| Champions and players | Caustic Phoenix as Michael (a headless iron golem); Mudcat as Victoro Cassalanter |
| Result | no death. Victoro banishes Michael for a minute and leaves the arena; Michael returns alone and adopts the barking dog |
| Arena | the same forest map as Playtests 3 and 5 (cliff, trees, rocks) |
| Hosts | none; Mudcat and Caustic Phoenix are both PLAYERS, using ready-made monster/NPC sheets (CR 10) |
What happens
- 0:00:03 — “The Headless Iron Golem versus Victoro Cassalanter.” The golem talks through slits in its palms: “It is a mouth in my hand,” not a hand puppet (“That’s for children”). Victoro: “For a fellow with no head, you talk quite a lot.” Victoro shows off his saggy, wide “butterfly” pants and wide hips.
- 0:02:56 — The job offer. “I was going to kill you but I think maybe you would be good working for me instead… we have great benefits… 14 days of vacation a year, 401k matching.” He uses his Rod of Rulership to charm the golem, who is immune: “Michael has no need for rulership. Michael free!” “Your name is Michael?” “Yes, my name is Michael… It’s a strong name.” “Put that back in your pocket, sir. Your giant flowing butterfly pockets.” Victoro realizes he’s “a devilishly handsome half-elf who likes coin and power.”
- 0:06:01 — Michael is blind and deaf (headless). He can’t find Victoro, so he walks zombie-style with his hand-mouths out like a surround-sound system, rips a tree out of the ground and throws it (“Here, catch!”); it hits the rocks and he dances in victory. He keeps dancing for most of the fight.
- 0:12:05 — Flame strike. A 40-foot pillar of fire hits Michael; he keeps dancing. He’s immune to fire; the radiant part makes his rocky shell glow, and “he looks good dancing.”
- 0:15:31 — Michael finds him by swinging his big sword at what he thinks is a tree and catching Victoro’s “oversized buttock.” “I found you! … Come give hug!” (He can’t hear Victoro’s scream but wants to.)
- 0:19:01 — Blink. Victoro blinks into the Ethereal Plane. Michael grabs a tree, thinks it’s Victoro glued to the ground by magic (“I have the best hugs. Michael is angry”), and throws it far away, birds and all (“a harsh lesson for the birds”). He finds Victoro by tasting the air with the tongues in his hands. Victoro taps him on the arm (“Good try, bud”) and blinks again.
- 0:28:37 — The tree whip. Michael pulls up a dead, supple tree and swings it like a whip, hula-dancing with his hips, and smacks Victoro in the face when he reappears. Victoro: “Nobody hits Victoro in the face. Especially not you, faceless person.”
- 0:33:38 — The T. rex. Victoro polymorphs into a Tyrannosaurus rex, still wearing the wide-hipped pants. Michael senses the vibrations in the ground, cha-chas around to face him, and hits him hard, breaking a claw on one tiny arm (“You are going to have to visit a nail tech”).
- 0:38:41 — Chaos event: the barking dog. A dog somewhere on the map barks nonstop; everyone is deafened until it’s found and fed. Michael is already deaf. The deafened T. rex spins around missing. Michael punches him in the nostrils with his iron fists (cartoon lightning). The T. rex’s tail does nothing (Michael is immune to bludgeoning). “Come back! I give you hug! … Come back! I miss you!”
- 0:47:58 — The Kool-Aid Man. Michael tries to run up a tree, which snaps and falls on Victoro; he bursts out of the forest (“Oh yeah!”) and “hugs” him with fists, because he doesn’t know how to open his hands to hug (“This is turning into Of Mice and Men really quickly”). The polymorph breaks. Victoro: “Get off of me, you ignorant, stupid metal man. Michael is a dumb name.” (Michael can’t hear it.)
- 0:53:08 — Dimension door to the top of the cliff. Michael punches the cliff to bring it down; Victoro, bowing smugly (“until next time”), falls like the Roadrunner with his giant pants flapping and lands at Michael’s feet, badly hurt. “Those butterfly pants are all look and no skill.”
- 0:57:23 — Barbara the barbed devil. Victoro summons a barbed devil between them: “Barbara.” Barbara (Bec’s voice): “Victoro, what do you want? I was soaking my feet in the tub.” “My sciatica.” Her hurled flames don’t land. Michael picks Barbara up and hugs her: “New friend!… Friends forever!”, shaking her “like a Polaroid picture,” ignoring her spikes.
- 1:02:53 — Chaos event: sunburn. Victoro’s thick clothes protect him; Michael’s metal heats in the sun, loosening his bolts. Victoro flame-strikes again; Michael heals from fire and squeezes Barbara harder, then takes a little radiant damage.
- 1:08:10 — Barbara tries to get inside Michael. “Let go of me, you giant swine.” She reaches down his neck hole: “There’s nothing there. I am a hollow shell… Why do you think I’m trying to fill it with friendship and dancing?” She tries to unscrew his arm. He finally sets her down and hits her with his sword: “No touch anymore… Bad like bug!” She tries to climb into his neck again; he yanks her off.
- 1:14:03 — Banishment. Victoro casts banishment. The crowd chants “Hero point!” and Michael hears it through the vibrations: “I will not leave you, friends! … I have friends!” He misses the save by one. “Goodbye, friends! Don’t forget me!”
- 1:17:17 — Victoro leaves. “Is this what you wanted? You wanted to see Victoro die. But I will not die today. Today, I will go to the pants store. And I will purchase the largest, fattest pants that I can find.” He poofs away and later turns up at JCPenney. Barbara is left alone: “Who’s gonna pay for my Uber home?”
- 1:18:22 — Michael in exile. He picks “the plane of flowers and daisies,” the most beautiful place in existence, which he can’t see or smell. He holds hands with himself, sad and alone, waiting for “his new next friend.”
- 1:19:17 — The dog. After one minute Michael returns to an empty battlefield. The barking dog finds him and licks his metal body. “Puppy? Puppy!” Michael licks the dog back with his hand-mouths and pets it. Michael now has a dog.
Who and what appears
Michael, the Headless Iron Golem (Bec). No head; blind and deaf (but somehow has darkvision and passive perception); speaks and tastes through mouths with tongues in his palms; a rocky iron shell; big sword with 10-foot reach; iron fists. Immune to fire (and healed by it), bludgeoning, piercing, charm and much more; advantage on saves against spells. Loves dancing (hula, cha-cha) and hugs; wants friends; “a hollow shell” trying “to fill it with friendship and dancing.” Named himself Michael (“It’s a strong name”). Befriended Barbara (briefly) and adopted the barking dog. Banished for a minute to a plane of flowers and daisies.
Victoro Cassalanter (Drew). “A devilishly handsome half-elf who likes coin and power.” Huge wide “butterfly” pants, wide hips. Rod of Rulership; ring of protection; glamoured studded leather. Spells: flame strike, blink, spiritual weapon (a floating rapier), polymorph (T. rex), dimension door, banishment; summons a barbed devil. Offers jobs with benefits. Left to buy bigger pants. (An official D&D character used here as a champion.)
Barbara (“Barb”) the barbed devil. Summoned by Victoro from soaking her feet; sciatica; hugged by Michael; abandoned on the field, needing an Uber home.
The barking dog. Chaos-event creature hidden on the map; deafens everyone until found; ends up as Michael’s dog.
Places
- The forest arena (cliff partly brought down, several trees uprooted and thrown).
- The plane of flowers and daisies, where Michael chose to be banished.
- JCPenney (where Victoro shops for pants afterward).
Quotes by character
Michael
- 0:01:27 “It is not a hand puppet. It is a mouth in my hand.”
- 0:04:46 “Michael has no need for rulership. Michael free!”
- 0:18:17 “I found you! … Come give hug!”
- 0:46:37 “Come back! I give you hug!”
- 1:01:03 “New friend!”
- 1:08:34 “I’m empty. Why do you think I’m trying to fill it with friendship and dancing?”
- 1:15:23 “I will not leave you, friends! … I have friends!”
- 1:16:41 “Goodbye, friends! Don’t forget me!”
- 1:19:41 “Puppy? Puppy!”
Victoro Cassalanter
- 0:02:56 “I was going to kill you but I think maybe you would be good working for me instead… 14 days of vacation a year, 401k matching.”
- 0:33:30 “Nobody hits Victoro in the face. Especially not you, faceless person.”
- 0:51:08 “Get off of me, you ignorant, stupid metal man. Michael is a dumb name.”
- 1:17:17 “You wanted to see Victoro die. But I will not die today. Today, I will go to the pants store. And I will purchase the largest, fattest pants that I can find.”
Barbara the barbed devil
- 0:58:26 “Victoro, what do you want? I was soaking my feet in the tub.”
- 1:08:10 “Let go of me, you giant swine.”
- 1:18:06 “Who’s gonna pay for my Uber home?”