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Playtest 4 (Pre-Launch) — Mudcat Mahomes v Thunk

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tagsepisode, playtests

14 min read

Champions and playersCaptainRobear as Mudcat Mahomes; Radiomang as Thunk
Resultboth Mudcat Mahomes and Octothunk declared winners and spared. Mudcat killed the original Thunk and a younger Thunk; the Grandmaster took six of Octothunk’s arms for dabbing.
Arenathe Isolated Keep
HostsCaustic Phoenix as the Grandmaster and Mudcat as the Arbiter, co-running

What happens

  1. 0:00:03 — Opening narration (Bec): the same as Playtest 1, but here she says “we find the Game Master, weary from eons of absolute power.”
  2. 0:01:11 — Grandmaster and Arbiter. “The last entertainment you brought in here included a pig, a spider, and a small little boy who really did not belong here at all… That little boy was just crying. Also, I did not know pigs had that particular power.” The Arbiter: “They bled, didn’t they?” He has “fine specimen today, of nice breeding stock even”; she has no breeding facility (“It’s a startup cost… I’ve already invested a lot in the arena”).
  3. 0:02:41 — The champions. Thunk: “I was picking berries before I was here… I spend a lot of time on the mountain destroying things. I have a collection of necklaces… They’re fingers from everyone I’ve killed. I have more than I can count because Thunk can’t [count] very well.” Mudcat Mahomes, a catfish-man in a trench coat with nothing underneath and a “m’lady fedora”: he wants to get back to Kansas City for “some subpar barbecue.” He calls the Arbiter a roller-derby referee in his stripy shirt and asks if he’s her best friend; the Arbiter says yes; the Grandmaster: “I don’t pay my best friends… You are employed by me.” The Arbiter: “I didn’t fill out a W-2… you don’t know the complexities of our relationship.” The Grandmaster wants a finger necklace like Thunk’s.
  4. 0:06:11 — The arena: the Isolated Keep. “Stowed away from time and space… filled with portals that will grant you boons and bonuses, depending how lucky you are… There’s more than one thing that may bite.” A circular platform, walls about 15 feet high, a huge stone table, four portals. The Arbiter: “You can lead a horse to a portal, but you can’t make him travel through interdimensional space”; he’s writing “a short novel, some memoirs.”
  5. 0:08:58 — The anthem. “The people’s traditional national anthem.” The Arbiter “took the whole tune down a minor third” in the second verse; he “speak[s] every language.” The Grandmaster flies to a high perch with an ornate chair: “I want bones broken and I want blood spilt. If not, I shall keep you both here forever.” The crowd: a ring of bleachers, “getting wasted and slamming dollar hot dogs.” “You, Acolytes, you have come for dungeons and dice and deathmatches.”
  6. 0:12:03 — Mudcat’s opening. He folds his trench coat neatly “like daddy told me,” sets his hat on top and strings his bow, standing in his “catfish birthday suit.” His first banishing shot fumbles (nat 1); then two arrows hit Thunk.
  7. 0:15:32 — The portals. Mudcat looks into the time portal (stars, clocks spinning both ways, worlds created and uncreated). Going through any portal seems like nothing, but you come out of a random portal and its effect hits you on exit: the fire portal burns, the blood portal (bodies made of blood wriggling on the floor) deals necrotic damage, the green nature portal heals, the time portal messes with time. The Grandmaster: “If you thought you could escape my map that easily, you’re a fool.”
  8. 0:17:36 — The Arbiter mocks the name “Mudcat.” “Did you see what he was wearing? An edgelord.” The Grandmaster respects that he folds his clothes. Mudcat: “It’s not because I’m a catfish! … I think I’m nimble like a cat.” He calls the Grandmaster “Toots”; the Arbiter: “That is the Grandmaster you’re speaking to… This is an arena of death and inclusivity.”
  9. 0:21:21 — Thunk flexes the arrows out of his skin (“Thunk never miss leg day”), charges, and punches Mudcat’s gut, cracking ribs (“Gonna have me coughing up my old caviar”).
  10. 0:27:29 — Mudcat shoots the Grandmaster. He druidcrafts a floating “L” in Thunk’s face and fires an enfeebling arrow. The Grandmaster rewinds time “a bit like a Time Lord herself” so Thunk can try to catch it again; Thunk’s nat 20 catch is foiled when Mudcat curves the arrow into the Grandmaster’s arm. She is resistant to necrotic damage, pulls it out and snaps it: “Your little sticks don’t hurt me, nor do your words… You’re like a little mouse stuck in a cage here.” “I’ve ate a mouse before. Kind of overrated.”
  11. 0:32:37 — The rat. The Grandmaster has the Arbiter float a giant rat in front of Mudcat: “Eat the rat.” He swallows it whole like a pelican (it scratches his throat) — “Ozzy Osbourne style.”
  12. 0:36:02 — Thunk the gentleman. “You should not have shot at lady.” Swaths of the audience swoon; the crowd chants “Thunk!” He slips on the wet floor twice, falling prone; Mudcat druidcrafts a dunce cap with an L on it.
  13. 0:40:16 — Air guitar. The Grandmaster loves Mudcat’s air guitar (“I am a fan of musicians”) and grants him Bless for the round; the crowd switches to chanting “Mudcat.” He flips out his “Aaron Lewis fish hook” piercing. He walks through the green portal and heals, climbs onto a rock, and action-surges six arrows into the prone Thunk (two crits).
  14. 0:48:33 — The persuasion fail. “This is what you wanted! I gave you what you wanted!” The Grandmaster: “You do not believe your own words… you’re coming up a little lacking as a person.”
  15. 0:50:21 — Thunk drinks the rain, springs up with a 42-inch vertical, punches Mudcat in the shin, grabs low (“That’s not my whisker!”) and rains flurry-of-blows punches between his legs. The Grandmaster calls for a constitution check for a grab to the balls; Thunk can’t find them (“They were too small”).
  16. 0:55:43 — Chaos event: the singing portals. A soft voice from all four portals entrances both and draws them into the nature portal; they come out of the fire portal burning.
  17. 0:59:34 — The greased air. Mudcat flings himself onto the wall using fish slime (“I’ve never heard of greased air before and I love it!”) and shoots Thunk down. Thunk dies of his death saves, “bleeding out from what’s like 45 arrow holes.”
  18. 1:04:00 — Visages through time. A chill wind; the clocks of the time portal stop and reverse; a past Mudcat Mahomes and a younger Thunk walk out. The Grandmaster: “I brought you to the Isolated Keep because I can bring as many versions of you back as I want… Take a look at your past self, young, fresh, vibrant.” The Arbiter: “We don’t bow to the constraints of time… It’s a two-for-one special on fish night!” Then a bathroom/popcorn break (she gets one free refill; she spits popcorn kernels over the side: “the goblins will pick that up”).
  19. 1:09:21 — Mudcat banishes his past self (“that moment in The Program where the quarterback burns himself… I’ve been waiting to do this my whole life”) and kills young Thunk with arrows. The Grandmaster is furious: “Why did you bring a small child? … He had 40 HP… I’m putting this in your performance review… quarterly review.” Mudcat: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat!”
  20. 1:18:05 — Octothunk. The Grandmaster demands “Thunk, just from a different timeline… I want Thunk the Octopus.” Octothunk arrives with eight arms (double actions). He throws the huge stone table at Mudcat and punches holes in the Grandmaster’s new wall (“I just put it up last month… I paid for some really good contractors”); she’ll bill Thunk for the wall. Mudcat moons him.
  21. 1:20:49 — Past Mudcat returns from banishment, draws on Thunk, can’t bring himself to shoot, snaps his bow over his knee and jumps back into the time portal. “Something must have happened into that banishment portal. That boy needs therapy.”
  22. 1:28:54 — Chaos event: three portal creatures. A dryad from the green portal, a fire snake from the fire portal, and a blood elemental from the blood portal. The Grandmaster names the elemental “Hamster” (“I’ve been wanting to name something hamster for a while”), “or Stir for short.” She promises the Arbiter a Christmas bonus. Hamster attacks the dryad.
  23. 1:34:22 — The truce. Mudcat persuades Thunk to team up (“Let’s team up. We can make a truce. I don’t have to kill you a third time”); Thunk agrees, secretly planning to betray him. Mudcat shoots the fire snake through the eye (it’s sucked back into its portal) and hits Hamster, who turns to stare with tiny black hamster eyes. Mudcat tries a “triple Lindy” out of the arena and is thrown back through the time portal (“Everyone knows you can’t jump out of the tower”).
  24. 1:42:09 — Octothunk betrays the truce with eight-armed punches between Mudcat’s legs. A small section of the crowd is “100% only for Mudcat Malone” and throws crushed beer cans at Thunk as “medals.”
  25. 1:48:43 — Helena. On Mudcat’s taunting, the Grandmaster summons her pet dinosaur, Helena, through the time portal: “I’ve been saving a little pet of mine.” Helena (clicking sounds, sharp carnivore teeth) bites Mudcat and drags him into the portal; he’s spat out elsewhere. Hamster drains the dryad to dust.
  26. 2:01:21 — Grandmaster’s rules. She stops Hamster’s attack of opportunity on Thunk: “That’s hilarious that you think that I follow any precedents. In my game, in my arena, it’s my rules and whatever they feel like at that time.”
  27. 2:04:20 — The offer. “If you do manage to survive… to the end of round eight. I will spare both of you and allow you to return both to your picking of berries and little pond.” Hamster takes the shape of a blood hamster and slams Thunk. Mudcat banishes Hamster and dabs; the Grandmaster tells him not to dab; the crowd loves it (and thought “Hamster” was a stupid name). Octothunk dabs with eight arms; the Grandmaster removes six of his arms and his double action: “Don’t you ever dab here again.”
  28. 2:14:19 — The after-party. Thunk: “You’ve killed me before. You deserve to go home.” Mudcat invites him to his townhome (two-car garage, three levels, an easy chair): a 30-pack of Budweiser, Top Gun, or The Program unedited on VHS with deleted scenes. Thunk will bring Old English. Pork burgers and maybe beer mac and cheese. “Me and Fishman go home!”
  29. 2:16:15 — The Grandmaster spares both. She freezes time: “My champions, this budding romance… I am pleased with this performance. And as my heart grows a little less cold… I have chosen… to spare you both… on one condition. That I be invited to the after party.” She’ll bring the beer. “Arbiter… I wish to keep them both in the ledger. Note them both as today’s winners.” The Arbiter: “We’ll just pretend that those other Thunks never existed and had no families.” Octothunk will be returned to his octopus world (with his eight arms eventually): “I’ve never just had two arms before.”

Who and what appears

Mudcat Mahomes. Catfish-man (gills, scales, webbed feet, slime, “tiny balls”); trench coat with nothing underneath, m’lady fedora; folds his clothes “like daddy told me.” Archer (fighter, arcane archer: banishing, enfeebling and curving shots; sharpshooter; druidcraft). From/heading to Kansas City for “subpar barbecue.” Air guitar; an “Aaron Lewis fish hook” piercing. Lives in a three-level townhome with a two-car garage. Loves Top Gun and The Program on VHS. Ate a giant rat. Shot the Grandmaster with a curving arrow. Killed Thunk and young Thunk; banished his past self and Hamster. Declared a winner; spared. (Not the same as “Mudcat Malone,” “a whole different guy.”)

Thunk (the original). Goliath monk (the Grandmaster calls him a Goliath) from a mountain, where he picked berries and hung out with goats; necklace of fingers from everyone he’s killed; can’t count; “Thunk never miss leg day”; protective of “lady.” Killed by Mudcat.

Young Thunk. A younger visage of Thunk from the time portal, “young and supple and buff,” 40 HP; killed by Mudcat. The Grandmaster calls him a small child.

Octothunk. Thunk from an octopus world/timeline: eight arms, then two after the Grandmaster takes six for dabbing. Threw the stone table; damaged the wall (billed); betrayed the truce; agreed to the after-party. Declared a winner; to be returned to his octopus world.

Past Mudcat Mahomes. A younger visage; banished, then broke his own bow and fled into the time portal.

Helena. The Grandmaster’s pet dinosaur, kept in the past and summoned through the time portal.

Hamster (“Stir”), the blood elemental. Named by the Grandmaster; drained the dryad; took the shape of a blood hamster with tiny black eyes; banished by Mudcat.

The dryad and the fire snake. Portal creatures; the dryad was drained by Hamster, the snake shot back into its portal.

The Grandmaster. Rewinds time “like a Time Lord”; resistant to necrotic damage; bejeweled rings; wings; employs the Arbiter (performance and quarterly reviews, a Christmas bonus); keeps a ledger of winners; has a pet dinosaur; put up a new wall in the keep last month; goblins clean up after her. Followed no precedents: “my rules.”

The Arbiter. Stripy referee shirt; anthem arranger; speaks every language; writing memoirs; claims to be her best friend; summons creatures and visages; builds the portals (“so simple a child could solve it”). Doesn’t like the tech goblins (“They don’t like you”).

Goblins / tech goblins. Clean up and run the sound.

Places

  • The Isolated Keep: the Grandmaster’s “little secret,” stowed away from time and space; circular platform, walls, a giant stone table (“a table for giants”), slick wet floor, four portals (time, fire, blood, nature). Jumping out throws you back through the time portal. Ring of bleachers.
  • Kansas City and Mudcat’s townhome (his home world). Thunk’s mountain. The octopus world (Octothunk’s plane).

Unresolved references

  • “A pig, a spider, and a small little boy”: the Arbiter’s previous entertainment, a roleplay riff (Drew): canon as stated, never shown on screen.

Quotes by character

The Grandmaster

  • 0:01:26 “The last entertainment you brought in here included a pig, a spider, and a small little boy who really did not belong here at all.”
  • 0:05:16 “I don’t pay my best friends. He is not a friend. You are employed by me.”
  • 0:10:05 “Give me a fight. I want bones broken and I want blood spilt. If not, I shall keep you both here forever.”
  • 0:32:02 “Your little sticks don’t hurt me, nor do your words… You’re like a little mouse stuck in a cage here.”
  • 1:05:35 “I brought you to the Isolated Keep because I can bring as many versions of you back as I want.”
  • 2:01:47 “That’s hilarious that you think that I follow any precedents. In my game, in my arena, it’s my rules and whatever they feel like at that time.”
  • 2:16:15 “As my heart grows a little less cold, I’m inspired by this show of camaraderie, I have chosen in the kindness of my heart to spare you both.”
  • 2:18:44 “Arbiter! … I wish to keep them both in the ledger. Note them both as today’s winners.”

The Arbiter

  • 0:01:36 “They bled, didn’t they?”
  • 0:07:47 “You can lead a horse to a portal, but you can’t make him travel through interdimensional space.”
  • 0:21:08 “This is an arena of death and inclusivity.”
  • 1:06:52 “We don’t bow to the constraints of time. And so now, Mudcat Mahomes, it’s a two-for-one special on fish night!”
  • 2:19:00 “We’ll just pretend that those other Thunks never existed and had no families or any sort of loved ones to go back to.”

Mudcat Mahomes

  • 0:04:17 “I guess I’m going to have to kick somebody’s ass to get back to Kansas City, because I got some subpar barbecue to eat.”
  • 0:18:01 “It’s not because I’m a catfish! … I think I’m nimble like a cat.”
  • 1:17:32 “That’s right, bitches! You’re gonna need a bigger boat!”
  • 1:34:49 “Let’s team up. We can make a truce. I don’t have to kill you a third time.”
  • 2:14:40 “If you’d like to come over to my townhome… I could put Top Gun on.”

Thunk

  • 0:03:29 “My name’s Thunk. I was picking berries before I was here… I have a collection of necklaces… They’re fingers from everyone I’ve killed.”
  • 0:22:16 “Thunk never miss leg day.”
  • 0:36:02 “You should not have shot at lady.”
  • 2:14:19 “If you’re going to kill Thunk, then that’s okay. You’ve killed me before. You deserve to go home.”
  • 2:15:59 “You bring what you bring, Grandmaster! Me and Fishman go home!”
  • 2:19:28 (Octothunk) “I’ve never just had two arms before. This is fun.”

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