S1 Ep1 — Ditch Em' Darrell v Eshrinn

Champions and players	endlesschad as Ditch Em’ Darrell; BDTeej as Eshrinn (YouTube cast list)
Result	Ditch Em’ Darrell. Eshrinn is killed, then secretly revived by the Arbiter (Dried Blood).
Arena	the Gilded Thresh Hollow (and the back of a dragon)
Hosts	Caustic Phoenix as the Grandmaster and Mudcat as the Arbiter

What happens

1. 0:00:31 — The Dread Fortress. A lava field “as far as the eye can see,” a humanoid skull made of rock with a giant open mouth leading underground. Inside, “this underground castle”: stone walls, sconces, tapestries, servants, and many paintings of the same very intimidating woman lining the halls. Meeting rooms, great halls for feasts, a large iron door.
2. 0:01:32 — The throne room. “An intimidating throne made of metal and bone.” A hearth, attendants. The Grandmaster sits throwing stones into a small circle out of boredom (“bocce ball for one”); servants fetch the stones back. She wears a gold and black silvery dress; two giant black feathery wings pop up behind her. She throws the rocks at the Arbiter’s feet: “You can give that little stupid monkey back her game of rocks.”
3. 0:02:19 — The Arbiter steps through a jagged tear in space in leather, black and white, sleeveless wizard’s robes, hood up, eight rings with gems of different colors, two champions behind him. “Grandmaster, the preparations have been made.” She: “Remember, you do not talk until I ask you something.” He: “What I’ve brought you tonight is a little bit better than rocks. Not by much.”
4. 0:06:01 — The champions. Ditch Em’ Darrell: “They call me Ditch Em Darrell… My battleaxe, well, we call her Ramona… me and Ramona, we love them and leave them. And how we love them is sweet, sweet violence.” He loves trinkets and shiny things and wants to “borrow” some of the Arbiter’s rings. Eshrinn: “master of spells and poisons. You are simple. I am experienced… the Grandmaster, as she is worthy of my love and respect, more so than Hocum and Grocom.” The Arbiter bets on Darrell (“strikes a chord with my more greedy side”) and half-promises him a ring; the Grandmaster picks Eshrinn because “whenever you choose something, I know to always pick the opposite.”
5. 0:10:12 — The Gilded Thresh Hollow. A secret location deep in the caverns: “all that glitters down here really is gold.” Waterfalls of gold, sapphires, diamonds; coins underfoot. Above, hordes of spectators in stands, throwing popcorn. The Grandmaster: “This show, this spectacle, I bring you that you may continue to worship at my feet as my worthy and loyal acolytes.” The Arbiter: “Acolytes, you have come for dungeons and dice and deathmatches… I want a dirty fight.”
6. 0:16:04 — Eshrinn’s runway. She snake-flips off a 10-foot ledge “like a ninja” and sticks a vogue pose, then catwalks “New York Fashion Week” across the gold, tossing colored vials, until her tail flips her cloak over her head (she pretends no one saw). She charms Darrell (“Who knew that refrigerated cigarette machines with heads are my thing?”), then casts animal friendship on the gem beetles (iridescent beetles that look like jewels) so they cover her like sequins and she shimmers “like a chandelier.”
7. 0:25:04 — Hero points. The crowd, split between “Darrell!” and “Eshrinn!,” awards each a hero point.
8. 0:28:55 — Darrell, charmed, digs through the gold and finds a golden pinky ring, kisses it and puts it on. “It’s all free… Ain’t no goblin saying don’t take my stuff.” The Grandmaster: “Fill your pockets with coins, but you’re not going anywhere.” The floor of the Hollow is a thin layer of dirt over gold that may go down for miles.
9. 0:33:41 — Three chaos events at once. The floor becomes a bouncy castle (movement halved, jumping doubled). The Arbiter swoops in with white glowing wings and hits Eshrinn with a cheap metal chair “with 10 or 20 years of repressed rage behind it” — “your favorite weapon, the metal chair,” the rusty one kept “for the Arbiter’s best friend” who “is not really supposed to be here.” Eshrinn rolls so it only stings her tail. Then the Grandmaster throws a chair at the Arbiter “for missing.” He: “One day I’m gonna show her. I’m gonna turn her into a metal chair and I’m gonna sit on her face.” (“We have no HR here.”) She asks him for “secret rolls” all episode toward a planned surprise.
10. 0:41:37 — Friends. Eshrinn bounces up to Darrell and casts friends: “Isn’t it easier to just be friends?” He gives her the pinky ring, wedging it on her finger. She eats one of her beetles (it’s poisonous; she’s immune but cracks a tooth), then secretly drops the ring into a vial of mysterious green liquid.
11. 0:53:28 — The Arbiter gets bored (“This isn’t the arena of friendships”) and throws a gold piece at Darrell’s head to break the charm. The Grandmaster calls a pause for popcorn and asks the Arbiter to give Darrell “the friendship talk.”
12. (0:59:27–1:09:54: break; spoof ads such as “dogsonly.woof” and the show’s intro video. See the intro below.)
13. 1:10:29 — “It’s time to wake up.” The Grandmaster strikes the ground with a staff; the Arbiter claps. A giant dragon rises from under the gold with both champions on its back and flies out of the cave over snowy mountains. Darrell’s mustache freezes; melting ice tastes of week-old KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce.
14. 1:14:42 — Darrell’s awakening. “We ain’t friends. We ain’t never been friends. And you use my mind against me? How dare you, Essie?” He slips on the icy scales: “I got old, brittle bones.” The Arbiter: “Get it together, Daryl, or there’s no rings for you.”
15. 1:16:01 — The ring trick. Eshrinn, “pretty much snake from the shoulders up” with a cobra hood, offers the ring back: “Your Arbiter may not give you any rings, but I will.” The vial was hideous laughter; Darrell collapses laughing. She spits acid on him (“a hot sizzling, like bacon at one of Daryl’s weekend gatherings”).
16. 1:21:24 — The Arbiter’s debt. “I need this. I need this money. I’m behind. I owe some people. I need you to win.” He gives Darrell inspiration to break out. Darrell: “We are no longer friends.” He hits Eshrinn hard with Ramona.
17. 1:25:43 — Eshrinn’s mood shifts from arrogance to anger. The Grandmaster: “In any other situation, this would be romantic… The perfect honeymoon.” Color spray blinds Darrell; ice knife; a poison dart from her blowgun; suggestion sends him out onto the wing. Darrell plays Ramona like a guitar and fires a brown Eldritch Blast from its pommel: “I’ll just be like Aladdin and show you the world.”
18. 1:46:07 — The Arbiter’s secret trick: he snaps his fingers, the dragon’s eyes go lifeless white and it flips upside down. Both hang on with nat 20s. The Grandmaster’s chaos event: the thunder twins, two lightning bolts, hit them both.
19. 1:51:19 — The coin. Eshrinn flicks the Arbiter “a very shiny, very heroic looking coin” (her hero point) for his help; her ice knife explodes at Darrell’s grip and he falls. Then she loses her own grip. Both fall into the golden pit, leaving craters and a pool of blood.
20. 1:57:47 — Darrell lays on hands for 50 (“very provocatively touch myself”). The dragon lands, eyes still white, and sits on the Arbiter’s command. “What’s his name?” “I’ll answer all your questions when you’ve won me my money.” Darrell pins Eshrinn’s tail with his foot (nat 20). The Grandmaster: “It is better than rocks… Survival in this arena does not mean that I will spare you.”
21. 2:01:12 — The end. Eshrinn misty-steps and climbs 30 feet up a cliff (nat 20: “Apparently snakes do climb”). The Grandmaster threatens to send the Arbiter in if nobody bleeds within three rounds; the Arbiter grabs Eshrinn with a giant mage hand and drops her in front of Darrell (“You wanted my help, didn’t you?”). Her poison spray hurts him badly, and she dashes 60 feet away. Darrell’s nat 20 Eldritch Blast kills her. He kisses her scaly forehead: “We could have been something. It would have been horrific and beautiful… me and Ramona, we gotta ditch you… Are you not entertained?” and shoves gold into his pockets.
22. 2:17:36 — The Grandmaster floats down: “Victory may hurt, but it lets us know that we are alive.” Darrell: “My granny always said you can’t make the biscuits without buying the bread.” “Help me congratulate and welcome our first champion, Ditch Em’ Darrell.” Snacks fly (“We’ll pick that up later. I know that’s littering”).

Dried Blood (after-show)

• First Dried Blood, with BDTeej (“Big Daddy Teej”) and EndlessChad. Out-of-character: Chad riffed everything (the axe-guitar, tobacco-spit blast, the love-story ending); TJ planned “kill them with kindness” and the ring trick; the dragon was Drew’s planned “secret roll” threshold event; the map is an animated Patreon map.
• Darrell’s farewell (in character): “Old Ditch Em Darrell, he didn’t expect to find love. He expect to find glory… his 50 some odd years living… life has twists and turns… this would be one thing that he wished he couldn’t have ditched, but he has to.”
• Canon epilogue (2:27:20): while the Grandmaster addresses the crowd, the Arbiter walks to Eshrinn’s body, snaps his fingers, and it sinks through the gold into a secret lair full of beakers and arcane equipment. He taps her chest, bringing her back to life: “I’ve got a plan for you.” (Transcript says “the Grandmaster and the body begin to sink”; context means the Arbiter.)

Show intro

“Far beyond the comforts of home, past the dimly lit taverns, the gently swaying fields, the tallest snow-clad mountain peaks, and above even the golden horizon itself, lies a dark void outside of all space and time. If you’re lucky, the Dread Fortress will call to you, drawing you out of the darkness and into the halls of the Grandmaster, Elusia Skypiercer. Though retired from battle, the Grandmaster yearns for the days of glory and bloodshed. She has tasked the Arbiter, her servant in all things, to curate a spectacle… Heroes, villains, monsters and beasts of all shapes and sizes are ripped from time and their plane of existence to fight for survival in her arena. You, Acolyte, are called to bear witness to D20 Deathmatch.”

Who and what appears

Ditch Em’ Darrell (endlesschad). Old (50-some years), walrus mustache full of KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce, chews tobacco; battleaxe Ramona that he plays like an electric guitar and fires a brown Eldritch Blast from; paladin/warlock (lay on hands, cure wounds, Eldritch Blast). Loves trinkets, rings and shiny things; calls the Grandmaster “manager” and the Arbiter “assistant manager.” Has a granny with sayings. Fell for Eshrinn, then killed her. First champion of D20 Deathmatch.

Eshrinn (BDTeej). Snake-woman (Bec and TJ say yuan-ti) “pretty much snake from the shoulders up,” cobra hood with ornate patterns, forked tongue, tail; hooded cloak; bag of colored vials; blowgun. Rogue/spellcaster, “master of spells and poisons”; immune to poison. Charmed and befriended Darrell; dressed in gem beetles; ate one. Invokes “Hocum and Grocom.” Killed; secretly revived by the Arbiter, one of his recruits.

The Grandmaster (Elusia Skypiercer). Bored; bocce for one; paintings of herself everywhere; gold and black silvery dress; black feathered wings; a staff; throws chairs at the Arbiter. “Victory may hurt, but it lets us know that we are alive.” Retired from battle (intro).

The Arbiter. Black and white sleeveless leather robes, hood, eight gem rings; white glowing wings; favorite weapon a metal chair; bets on champions; owes people money; resents the Grandmaster (“One day I’m gonna show her”); controls the dragon; revives Eshrinn in a secret lair. Has a “best friend” who isn’t really supposed to be at the arena.

The dragon. Slept beneath the gold of the Gilded Thresh Hollow; woken by the Grandmaster and Arbiter; flown over snowy mountains; the Arbiter’s snap turned its eyes white and flipped it; unnamed (“I’ll answer all your questions when you’ve won me my money”).

Gem beetles. Iridescent beetles living in the gold; poisonous to eat.

Places

• Dread Fortress: lava field, rock skull with an open mouth leading to an underground castle; paintings of the Grandmaster; meeting rooms and feast halls; the throne room (iron door, throne of metal and bone, hearth), the seat of the Grandmaster’s power and her home (Drew).
• The Gilded Thresh Hollow: a secret golden cavern with gold waterfalls, piles of gems, pillars, ledges; a dragon sleeping under the gold.
• The Arbiter’s secret lair beneath the Hollow (beakers, arcane equipment).
• Snowy mountains the dragon flies over.

Items

• Ramona, Darrell’s battleaxe.
• The golden pinky ring: found by Darrell, given to Eshrinn, dosed with hideous laughter, given back.
• The metal chair(s) in the Grandmaster’s back corner.
• Eshrinn’s heroic coin (her hero point, flicked to the Arbiter).

Quotes by character

The Grandmaster

• 0:03:28 “They told me bocce ball for one would be fun, but this is hard.”
• 0:04:23 “Remember, you do not talk until I ask you something.”
• 0:09:38 “Whenever you choose something, I know to always pick the opposite.”
• 0:12:00 “This show, this spectacle, I bring you that you may continue to worship at my feet as my worthy and loyal acolytes.”
• 1:10:29 “It’s time to wake up.”
• 2:00:45 “Survival in this arena does not mean that I will spare you.”
• 2:17:57 “Victory may hurt, but it lets us know that we are alive.”

The Arbiter

• 0:04:49 “What I’ve brought you tonight is a little bit better than rocks. Not by much.”
• 0:05:21 “They’re here, and I think they’re ready to fight. I think they’re ready to die.”
• 0:40:12 “One day I’m gonna show her. I’m gonna turn her into a metal chair and I’m gonna sit on her face.”
• 1:21:44 “I need this money. I’m behind. I owe some people. I need you to win.”
• 2:09:04 “Usually people die within the first five seconds.”
• 2:27:20 (Dried Blood) “I’ve got a plan for you.”

Ditch Em’ Darrell

• 0:06:34 “Me and Ramona, we love them and leave them. And how we love them is sweet, sweet violence.”
• 1:14:42 “We ain’t friends. We ain’t never been friends. And you use my mind against me? How dare you, Essie?”
• 2:16:01 “We could have been something. It would have been horrific and beautiful… Are you not entertained?”
• 2:18:22 “My granny always said you can’t make the biscuits without buying the bread.”
• 2:26:36 “He didn’t expect to find love. He expect to find glory.”

Eshrinn

• 0:08:00 “I am Eshrinn, master of spells and poisons. You are simple. I am experienced.”
• 0:16:47 “Be sure you pay attention to me. Otherwise, you might miss your death.”
• 0:42:54 “Isn’t it easier to just be friends?”
• 1:16:54 “Your Arbiter may not give you any rings, but I will.”