S1E5, The 2v2 - Chuck Solid Gold Dragon Biff & Richardo v Steely Dan & Thass'Lok

Champions and players	talesofpesh as Chuck Solid Gold Dragon Biff; carnisideshow (Chris) as Richardo; the4thculture as Steely Dan; Forgeling as Thass’Lok
Result	Chuck & Richardo (team victory). Steely Dan is killed by Bull One’s pillow; Thass’Lok is clubbed to death with Steely Dan’s body.
Arena	the Clock of the Lost (a giant column of spinning clockwork gears)
Hosts	Caustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer); Mudcat narrates and plays the Arbiter
Watch	YouTube

What happens

Opening: soaps and the mail (Dread Fortress)

1. 0:00:25 The Grandmaster lounges on her throne of cushy red velvet seats, “watching TV.” The TV is four goblins. Two hold up a cardboard TV screen while two behind it reenact a soap opera they heard someone else describe. They use a pile of props: tennis rackets, wigs, basketballs, a phone, and “a dove for some reason.” She is entranced. “What is it that could be by far more important than my soaps right now?”
2. 0:01:16 The Arbiter: “your very important mail has arrived.” “Oh, the mail! I love mail time!” She says “click” into a remote, and the goblins drop everything and sweep the props aside. She holds out her hands “like an impatient child.”
3. 0:01:43 The Arbiter floats the letter to her telekinetically (“with my brain powers”) from three feet away. GM: “Getting your telos mixed up?… Weird flex, but thank you.”
4. 0:02:13 Among the bills is a beautiful scroll with a small emblem. The Arbiter claims he can’t read: “I, I, no, I, I can’t read.” It is from “the Dreaded GM.” The Arbiter asks, “Is he that guy that sells the falafel at the carnival?” GM: “No, that’s Teddy. That’s Teddy. Very different.… No, this one has dreads.”
5. 0:03:17 The invitation. The Dreaded GM is running “this absolutely amazing opportunity over on his stream” (though “he actually doesn’t quite know what’s going on on his stream”). He has invited them to put on a small arena show on his channel. The Arbiter asks, “Does that mean we get to have a deathmatch?”
6. 0:03:43 The endless scroll. The rest of the scroll unrolls past her feet, down through the room and out into the hallway. It is completely blank, “purely length for length’s purposes… a total power move,” because “who can afford that kind of postage?… That’s a commentary on the post system here.”
7. 0:04:20 The event is “a very secret donation charity event… for the Dreaded GM on his channel to help him out for some of the hardships his family is going through.” GM: “you know how much Dreaded has just done for the community here… We love Dreaded.” The Arbiter: “maybe we could get some of that falafel on the way.” GM: “we’ll drop by Teddy’s and get the falafel.”
8. 0:05:09 The champions. The Arbiter rips space open with his hands, and four champions walk out into the Dread Fortress. GM: “You really just had those in your back pocket, didn’t you?” Arbiter: “some people collect pogs and stones… I like to collect people that fight to the death.” GM: “Everybody’s got a hobby.”
9. 0:05:54 GM: “Champions, you’ve found yourself inside the Dreaded Fortress. This is my home. And I welcome you to it.” She sizes them up: “Odd choices, but I think this will work.” The Arbiter: “I don’t know if they’re worthy. We just met. I found some of these guys at the 7-Eleven.”

Introductions

10. 0:07:17 Chuck Solid Gold Dragon Biff. “You can call me Chuck.” He spends his once-a-day fire breath into the air as a show of force. His intimidation is 11; GM: “I’ve seen bigger… he’s bringing a little bit of heat.” She asks the Arbiter to add s’mores to the list. The Arbiter rips open time and space and pulls out a bag of marshmallows. GM calls him “Dragonborn Biff.” Chuck explains that “Solid Gold” is “what they call me in the circuit of ass whooping.” Arbiter: “There’s a circuit for that?… We’ll have to get that on the TV.” GM: “I will make sure the goblins know that that is the channel we have to have.”
11. 0:08:54 Thass’Lok. “The ocean, it has made a choice that it would send me to you, but the bloods have not been thick as they need to be. I will find it for her.” Asked why he is worthy: “My own arena. The bays. The black water bays. And I drown those and serve the mistress in there. I must understand that the world is its own arena and I am her product.” Arbiter: “This is dark… I don’t know what any of that means, but I like all of it.” GM: “I love it… an excellent pick.”
12. 0:10:07 Richardo. “My name is Richardo, and I am here to regale you with a spectacle of violence and love, and maybe some sex, huh? But first, I’m going to kill you with my good looks.” He poses. The Arbiter would prefer actual killing, so Richardo casts Summon Beast: a giant spectral bull appears. He pulls out a red cloth: “Olé!” The bull does floating, spectral dashes. “My bull and I will very much kill anybody who put before us.”
13. 0:10:57 Bull One. It is “the first time we’ve had a bull in the Dread Fortress.” GM: “I don’t know why no one else has ever brought a pet.” Richardo: “I just made him, but we’ll call him Bull One.” GM: “We’ll get that embroidered for him on a collar.” Arbiter: “It’s like Air Force One, but different.” GM: “Is it French?” Richardo: “Yes. Sure.”
14. 0:13:15 GM: “Did he just bring like his own narrator?” Arbiter: “I think he is the narrator.” GM: “he’s a walking cassette tape… who wouldn’t want to be a boombox in real life?” Arbiter: “has he not heard of a Zune?” GM: “I need you to add some new songs to my Zune.” “I will update the Zune promptly.”
15. 0:13:49 A sparkle on Steely Dan’s chest reveals many mini discs embedded in his armor. Asked about floppy disks, a reply comes: “I’m all magnetic.” (speaker uncertain, likely Steely Dan).
16. 0:14:26 The Grandmaster’s charge. “Champions, you have my seal of approval… You are here representing me, my name, the Grandmaster… You will not hold back. You will put on a show and you will spill blood.” Steely Dan’s tape: “It’s the eye of the tiger and I’ve filled my tights.” Arbiter: “Are you a warforge wearing tights?” Dan: “You don’t appear to see any tights at this very moment.”
17. 0:15:27 The first 2v2. The Arbiter proposes “for the first time ever in your arena… a 2v2.” GM: “You and I, same mind… Remind me to give you a small pay raise.” “I will look for that on the first paycheck.” “I don’t pay you.”
18. 0:16:13 Thass’Lok: “It’s under the impression that we wouldn’t be fighting alongside others.” GM: “you don’t have to necessarily like them… but maybe be less inclined to murder them first.” Arbiter: “We’ll just murder your teammates second.”
19. 0:16:42 Pairing. Each rolls a d20; the two highest pair up, the two lowest pair up. Richardo rolls 19, the 17 goes to “Solid Gold,” there is a 5, and Steely Dan’s roll is a “secret 15.” The resulting teams: Richardo & Chuck v Steely Dan & Thass’Lok (“the other guy whose name is really hard to say… the whispery guy”).

The arena: the Clock of the Lost

21. 0:18:33 The Arbiter claps. A psychedelic wave rolls across their vision, and they stand atop spinning gears in a giant column of clockwork: grinding gears, metallic clanking, pistons, and squeals of distant machinery.
22. 0:19:19 GM: “Welcome, dear champions, to the Clock of the Lost.” A steady ticking runs constantly in the background. They stay “until there is only one team remaining, or perhaps only one of you left.” The copper-tainted wheels are all one level; anything silver is above or below. “These gears will not stop until a magic word has been said… If you are not quick on your feet, you might find yourself crushed by the gears.”
23. 0:20:15 The Grandmaster lands on a gear. Her massive wings have a blue hue that shimmers off the gears. “Do not let the environment be that which takes your life. Or I will not allow you to return home, victor or not.”
24. 0:21:07 The stands. High above are stands filled with Acolytes. GM: “I see you, my chat, my acolytes… Dan, oh no, you’re just cheering for yourself in chat… If you can’t cheer for yourself, who are you going to cheer for?” Their cheers “may light a fire in them… may give them advantage.” She flies to her seat, where goblins wait with her footstool, popcorn and soda.
25. 0:22:58 Placement. Chuck and Steely Dan land in the bottom quadrant, Thass’Lok and Richardo in the top. “One member from each pairing is facing off against each other on a cog.”
26. 0:24:27 The Arbiter to the floating grandstands: “Acolytes of the Grandmaster, you have come for dungeons and dice and deathmatches, and you will have blood.”
27. 0:24:50 Richardo rolls a nat 1 on initiative. He makes a preemptive Dex save to avoid falling and rolls a nat 20, so he stays on his feet but goes last. Turn order: Thass’Lok, Steely Dan, Chuck, Richardo.

Round 1

28. 0:26:14 Lizardfolk to lizardfolk. Thass’Lok to Richardo: “You are the same breed. These numbers mean nothing. These teams mean nothing. I will return to where I need to be. Why would you oppose me?” Richardo: “I don’t oppose you specifically. We just, we are putting on a show.” Thass’Lok: “stay out of my way.” Richardo: “Fine… New teams.”
29. 0:27:01 Thass’Lok: “This is clearly the Dominion of the Belt [?], the one of the Warforged. I say he has an advantage here. Let’s bring him down.” Richardo: “I’ll wait and watch.” Thass’Lok strides gallantly but low to the center gear. He raises his shield toward the warforged, his own partner, holds his rapier slightly behind him, and keeps one eye on the other lizard.
30. 0:28:22 Steely Dan. Tape: “I’m Terry Wogan. It’s all in me.” He makes an Int save “for a couple of neurons” (“wooden stuff inside his mind”), chunks toward Chuck, and throws a deck of playing cards in Chuck’s face: “Gin or glaive.” Chuck: “I understood that reference there, Tin Man.”
31. 0:30:16 Dan shrugs, “friends till the end,” and piles on Chuck to grapple him. He rolls a nat 1. He screeches across the floor, tapes fly out of him, and he scrabbles on hands and knees among the spools, “oh, no, no, oh, what,” because “that’s his entire vocabulary.” He patches a tape back together with magic tape.
32. 0:31:43 Chuck. “Well, nobody told me this was going to be a walk in the park.” His kick to Dan’s head goes “clang.” Tape: “Forever dumb, I want to be forever dumb.” Then a judo chop to the neck lands, and Chuck grapples him as a bonus action (Tavern Brawler), winning the strength-off. Tape: “Like a virgin, touched for the 35th time.” Chuck: “I’m going to need you to stop that. You’re making it weird.” He holds Dan by the back of the neck.
33. 0:34:26 Richardo. He looks the bull in the eyes: “meet me over there. I’ll be waiting for you.” He takes a running jump 10 ft into the middle of nothing, then Misty Steps 30 ft. Arbiter: “I thought he was just going to jump into the gears.” He rolls a d4 to pick a target and shoots the warforged for 7.
34. 0:36:04 The mixtape. Dan is just about to slot a cassette back in when the arrow spikes through the center of it. “Great!… You should feel ashamed of yourself, young man.” GM: “Feeling a little ganged up on?” Dan: “That was an original mixtape.” Richardo: “I had no idea. I’m so sorry.” Bull One dashes 60 ft past Thass’Lok. (Thass’Lok’s player drops from the call here.)
35. 0:37:51 End of round. GM: donations and “a whole thing of subs” have maxed out the chaos meter, which triggers the first chaotic event. Dex saves for the moving gears follow. Dan, grappled on the ground, doesn’t need one (“a lower center of gravity”). Richardo and Chuck stay up.

Chaos event 1: the mushrooms (0:40:16)

36. Chuck rolls a 2 (“I like the shininess of the gold”). Mold in the corners grows bigger and brighter: “Fantastical fungi of mysterious origin” sprout in six spots around the map. “If you come to them, you may choose to interact or not.” The Arbiter makes a secret roll (14). GM: “Normally you’re an absolute embarrassment when it comes to rolls… I’m very proud of you.”
37. 0:42:14 The invisibility sheet. Thass’Lok has vanished, so the GM throws a sheet down from her perch. It covers him in invisibility, and he loses his turn under her protection. “Round two, fight!”

Round 2

38. 0:43:13 Steely Dan puts in the broken tape, now slowed down “DJ Screw” style: “Take me down with a pair of nice titties.” He slashes his glaive across Chuck’s face, smites, hits again, and adds a Polearm Master butt-end strike with another smite: about 52 damage in all. Dan: “Nothing but a flesh wound.” Arbiter: “Things are not looking good for Solid Gold… First cut is the weakest.”
39. 0:46:51 Chuck. He holds on one-handed while being cut up and spits blood down his chin: “I wanna make you regret that, Tin Man.” With his free hand he pulls a pair of sunglasses out of his trunks and whips them on. He rages. He tries to turn the grapple into a pin, but Dan rolls a nat 20 and gets advantage on breaking the grapple next time. Tape: “sometimes you need some time on your mom [?].” Chuck appeals to “Richard” for a hand.
40. 0:49:11 Richardo. “We were once teammates. And now, I guess we can still be teammates. Sure. I will, uh, shoot you. Your friend, I mean.” He puts Hunter’s Mark on Steely Dan. He asks whether the mushrooms must be eaten (“You can choose to interact with them however you like”) and shoots a mushroom instead. It shakes and “spores poop out of it”: a 10-ft poison cloud. Dan (warforged, resistant) takes 3. His second arrow hits Dan.
41. 0:52:27 Karaoke. The arrow presses another play button: “mushroom, mushroom man. I would like to be a mushroom man.” GM: “I was really hoping you’d sing the Badger Badger Mushroom song… Do you take requests?” Dan’s head pivots a full 360, and “Steely Dan karaoke” appears on his forehead as a glamour, showing completely incorrect lyrics. Richardo: “Oh please, Despacito.” GM rates it “six out of ten… it beats most karaoke nights.” Arbiter: “Very large curve.”
42. 0:53:50 Bull One’s charge. Richardo calls to Chuck: “do you want this to be broken, or do you want to hold on?” Chuck doesn’t answer, which he later frames in character as “my way of saying, I don’t want to talk to you.” Bull One rolls a nat 20 on the strength-off and rams Dan into the mushroom cloud (4 poison). GM chants “Bull One, Bull One, Bull One. It’s much easier to chant than I thought it would be.” Dan: “your poison running through my lane.” GM: “Do Warforged really care about pride?”
43. 0:56:38 Thass’Lok returns. The GM’s wing-gust blows the cloak of invisibility off him. “Take center stage and make this your domain.” Thass’Lok: “This isn’t my domain. This belongs to the Warforged.” He charges 30 ft straight past his comrade, smiles at a dagger, “Now, return to what was yours,” and throws it at Steely Dan, his own teammate. It hits, with Colossus Slayer (“unfortunately”).
44. 0:57:42 Arbiter: “Does he know the warforge is on his team?” GM: “I think he does, and he does not care. Oh, I love the heartlessness… This is better than the goblin soaps.” “Those goblins are never willing to go the distance.” Arbiter: “I’ve tried to see about enrolling them in Juilliard, but… it’s a very political process.” GM suggests an improv class; Arbiter: “I think there’s one down at the YMCA.” Dan’s blood is “red colored oil.”
45. 0:59:48 End of round. The Dex DC “keeps climbing each round.” Chuck fails. The Grandmaster lifts him with a burst of her wings before he falls face-first into the gears: “Chuck, I was really rooting for you… You’re supposed to be the golden boy.” She grants him Bless for the next round. “I’m cheering for you, you little underdog. If you want to be the true gold winner, make sure you earn it.” Chuck: “Why do you always choose the underdog? Don’t you worry, Grandmaster. The cream is gonna rise to the top.” Dan: “If you fall, I will catch you. You’ll be ice cream time after time.”
46. 1:01:51 All champions and the Arbiter roll d20s for chaos (4, a natural 1, 17, 18). GM: “Fine, waste your one here on the field.” She is “very bad at math and I need more fingers and toes.” She summons goblins to hold up their fingers while she adds. Break: “Name that monster!” The Arbiter suggests the Acolytes “threw the popcorn at our contestants in a show of solidarity.”

Round 3

47. 1:04:05 Thass’Lok (top of the order again) casts Zephyr Strike, runs past Chuck into Dan and the poison cloud (“Just eat it. Take it all in”), and aims his rapier at one of Dan’s tape receptacles, the little plastic windows where you could see the tape move. “I know what the Grandmaster said, but you are way too loud. It’s time to shut you up.” Tape: “Guilty Peter’s got no rhythm.” Both strikes glance off. Tape: “You might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove.” He catches his breath and takes 7 poison. “You made me invisible, but you made me blind [?].” GM: “I’m never fair about these things… I can play favorites, but I didn’t in this case.”
48. 1:07:03 Favorites. Arbiter: “Clearly, Chuck is your favorite.” GM: “he could easily die, and then I would choose a new favorite… Bull One actually might have my heart right now.” She is building Bull One his own cape: “everybody keeps rolling capes in front of him. Maybe he just wants his own.” “I have fully believed that capes should be part of everyday fashion.”
49. 1:07:46 The mushroom club. Dan picks up the 4-ft mushroom. With Int of one, “he’s not going to remember a name.” GM: “Thass’Lok, remember his name.” Dan: “Bad ears.” Spores puff over everyone as he beats Thass’Lok over the head with the mushroom, singing “shake it like a horny white preacher.” Thass’Lok raises his shield, then ducks and weaves under it, and the spores rain on him. Dan tosses the mushroom into the center of the gear.
50. 1:10:36 Dan uses Action Surge for two glaive chops, checks “his paladin thing… that thing that all paladins do” (+2 to damage) and smites both. Thass’Lok uses Uncanny Dodge on the first. He takes 37. The butt-end strike: “We built this city on logs and coal.” GM: “You don’t have either of those here. There’s only gear.” Dan: “Only gear in the far future.” It misses. Thass’Lok turns and stares, blood drenching his mostly naked body, with the poison cloud behind him.
51. 1:13:45 Chuck’s trash talk. “I don’t blame him for turning on you when you can’t even remember his name. At least I have the decency to remember Richard’s name.” His rage ends, and he rips his glasses off: “You are a poor excuse for a little tin man. I’m going to fold you up like an old wallet. I’m gonna press you into such a small singularity. They’re gonna be looking for pieces of you within the floddy stone [?] for centuries to come.” Dan rolls a 20 on the save against Intimidating Presence (and likely has a fear aura). Dan: “Young man, there’s no need to feel down… there’s a place you can go when you feel so stupid and slow.” Arbiter: “Do, do, do, do.” GM: “I gotta tell ya, Golden Boy, you ain’t doing so hot.” Chuck stands staunch and takes 10 poison. Dan steps out of the cloud while staying in glaive range.
52. 1:17:03 The Arbiter’s bet. “Show me something! I have a lot of money riding on you with some really nasty people. I really should stop betting.” GM: “You’ve got a problem. We’re going to get you help after this. You’re going to join a club, okay?”
53. 1:17:27 Richardo’s betrayal. “You have been allies, but also enemies. And what is a good show? A drama without a little betrayal. I’m sorry, but also not sorry.” He casts Wind Wall across Steely Dan and Thass’Lok, angled to spare Bull One. “I’m sorry, but this only ends with one of us alive.” GM: “That wind may blow but Steely Dan does not move… He knows where his feet belong.” Both take half. “18 divided by 2 is 9. I can do that much math.”
54. 1:19:47 “Bull One, get out of there. There’s no need for you to be here. Come back to me.” Richardo drops his bow, pulls out both short swords and charges screaming “Ah!”, stopping short of the poison. Arbiter: “Ah la la la!”
55. 1:20:28 End of round. Only Chuck saves (with advantage). Everyone else starts their next turn prone, dizzy from the gears. Dan: “Gears on the floor go round and round.”

Chaos event 2: the haunted doll (1:21:47)

56. The roll is a 14. The Grandmaster is drinking rum (“Grandmaster, you’re drinking on the job.” “It’s rum.”). Dan: “White rum, oh boy.” GM: “You guys are gonna need a drink for this one.”
57. 1:22:15 The clock’s rhythm mixes up and freezes. A cold presence comes through, the gears tremble and stop and start, the lights flicker, and a small doll appears in the corner. Eyes wide, unblinking, a small steady smile. “Come play with me… Come be my friend.” Arbiter: “Oh no, not this again.” GM: “welcome to our nice little haunted doll who has joined the stream… Be very careful with your choice.”
58. 1:24:06 Initiative is rerolled. Richardo, who opened with a nat 1, rolls a nat 20. “You can’t write these things. I’m now ready to play the game.” GM: “this is the redemption arc… you are the only one still with full health on the field.” “You didn’t need to point that out.” New order: Richardo, Chuck, Thass’Lok (“Ghost in the Bay”), Steely Dan.

Round 4

59. 1:25:15 Richardo: “Holy shit, what is that doll? And I’m going to shoot it.” (Chris has “an aversion to scary, creepy dolls. My aunt had a room full of them.”)
60. 1:25:39 Dan saves the doll. “Steely Dan is completely immune to fear.” He heroically throws himself in front of the arrow “because that’s a cute little doll.” Thass’Lok’s prone opportunity attack at his ankles (“I pelvic thrust that way”) misses. GM: “the wasted nat 20 breaks my heart.” The arrow goes through Dan’s forehead or the side of his ear as he rises, and a small cassette pops out. GM: “That’s so thoughtful, sacrificing your brain.” “He doesn’t have one.” “He wasn’t using it anyways.” Tape: “I love you, you love me, we’re a violent family.”
61. 1:28:23 The friendship rune. GM: “Is this you accepting the doll’s friendship?” “Yeah.” The doll touches Dan’s shoulder. A burning rune appears (2 damage) as a bond of friendship, and she becomes his companion. Dan: “Love is a burning thing. And it makes a fiery rune.” GM: “that’s how you brand your friends… Some people get matching tattoos.” “We’re wonderful friends.” The GM moves and rolls for the doll; Dan dictates what she does.
62. 1:29:44 Richardo’s second arrow hits the doll for 10. Then he casts Healing Spirit beside “my original comrade” Chuck (“Bull 2 appears, but not actually a bull”). “I may have to kill you after, but for now, we need to take out that doll.” GM: “The power of friendship.” Chuck heals 3, then 1 on his turn, then 5 more when Richardo realizes he upcast it.
63. 1:32:43 Chuck. He gives Richardo “that 80s end-of-the-movie nod,” puts his glasses back on and rages again. “All right, Richard, let’s wrap this up… It’s about time we leveled the playing field.” He tries to wrench Dan’s glaive away but rolls a nat 1 on Sleight of Hand and grabs the glaive by the sharp end (1 damage). GM: “that’s not how you grab a glaive. Don’t do it like that.” The Arbiter wants Dan to smite through it; GM: “No.”
64. 1:35:13 Thass’Lok’s turn. “The nations are bonding together. We should do the same despite your betrayal, Ricardo.” Richardo: “Yes, I feel we are outmatched.” Thass’Lok: “Stand in their environment. And yet they will be the ones to fall.” He marks Dan with Hunter’s Mark, stands, and drives his rapier into the pits and joints of Dan’s plating: 20 damage.
65. 1:37:08 The CDs. His blade runs along a groove, “click, click, click,” and a compartment opens. CDs fall out: “Now 27, greatest hits of 1992. Now 28, greatest hits of 1993. Now that’s what I call soft rock… Platinum best.” GM: “You need one of those nice CD cases. I have an old one I can dust out.” Dan does an infomercial: “you can’t buy these CDs in the shops. All 30 CDs come to you with a subscription of just $3.99… from the 90s.com.” GM: “I’ll subscribe at that point. But for now, I would like a battle.”
66. 1:38:28 “my attempt to shut him up”: he forces the blade in with the back of his shield (27) for 24. Dan is badly bloodied. Thass’Lok: “If you would lead, I’d send him to the oceans. But I need to take my time.” He limps away.
67. 1:40:13 Chuck substitutes a grapple for his opportunity attack and grabs Thass’Lok by the belt (21 vs 10): “Get back here! I’m not done with you!” An exchange follows (“What’s I’m done with? Steely Dan.” / “Then be done with him first.” / “No, don’t worry. Coming right up.”), speakers uncertain.
68. 1:41:32 Steely Dan. He is broken, with bits falling out of him and one side of his head almost exploded, but two prongs remain. He fits a tape on them and twirls it with his finger: “We’ve known each other for not long… then I’m gonna give you up, then I’m gonna let you down, then I’m gonna run and hurt them.” “I would like to execute the traitor.” “Get TP’d now!” One glaive hit lands on the grappled Thass’Lok with his last smite, halved by Uncanny Dodge. He then takes Second Wind.
69. 1:45:05 The doll’s bite. Asked if she should help, the tape answers “Raspberry Sorbet” (yes). The doll poofs and reappears behind Richardo. Her mouth opens wide, a little jaw appears, and she sinks her plastic rotting teeth into his skin for 11. She soaks in his lifeblood and transfers it to her best friend as extra HP for Steely Dan. GM: “My BFF.” Tape: “DOL!” The crowd chants “DOL! DOL! DOL!”
70. 1:46:47 GM: “Nobody else seems to know how teamwork works except for Dan and this doll.” Chuck: “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Grandmaster. I got nothing but respect for Richard.” GM: “That is a fair point… he did help heal you… I apologize.” She gives Chuck advantage on his next turn. “Perhaps you’ll hit something. Not grab a glaive by the sharp point.”
71. 1:47:33 End of round. The Dex DC is 15. Richardo and Chuck go prone. Arbiter: “it might be a 2v1, v1, vdoll situation.” The Arbiter rolls a 2; GM: “I actually really do need you to do better.”
72. 1:49:40 The secret slips. Dan: “Grandmaster, is this a chaos moment?” GM: “It is not yet… Don’t ask me questions about secret things because I’m really bad at keeping secrets… Fine. You ask questions. You’ll get what you wanted.” She throws herself back in her throne.

Chaos event 3: the Arbiter’s wrench (1:50:29)

73. The Arbiter: “I have an idea.” He creates a giant wrench in the air and throws it into the gears. Everything comes crashing to a stop. The gears shift askew, gears fall from the sky and the architecture begins to fall apart. No more spinning plates. The champions take falling-gear damage; raging Chuck takes half. GM: “If it’s odd, we round up, because we hate you all. We’re mean and cruel and we have no feelings.” Initiative is rerolled, and Chuck goes first.

Round 5

74. 1:53:28 GM: “Remember, I want blood. I want gore. I want you to end lives.” Chuck: “I won’t disappoint you, Grandmaster!” He rises from prone and pulls a great club out of the back of his trunks, stashed there the whole time: “Seeing as the two of you have been non-compliant with my phony wrestling moves, I’m going to have to get 18th century on your behinds.”
75. 1:54:18 With advantage, he clubs Steely Dan, then Thass’Lok, then Dan again with a Frenzy attack. Steely Dan goes down. Chuck throws one hand in the air with blood dripping, and the crowd yells: “Give it up! Give it up for Solid Gold Dragon Biff! And Richard, he’s helping too.”
76. 1:55:41 Down but conscious. The ruling: a downed champion is “dying but conscious” and can roleplay but take no actions. Dan: “I can just throw shade, basically.” He passes a death save. Tape: “and now the end is… near.”
77. 1:57:05 The doll’s farewell. Dan to the doll: “Be safe, eat face.” She pops over, kisses his forehead and brings him back to 1 HP. The rune on his shoulder disappears. She has left this plane of existence. “Thank you, friend.”
78. 1:58:29 Thass’Lok. “I can trust any of you. Very disappointing.” He disengages, moves 30 ft and casts Fog Cloud (20 ft) to hide.

Chaos event 4: the pillow fight (1:59:21)

79. Chuck: “Grandmaster, I’d like to point out there’s a madman in the crowd giving out gifts to everybody.” GM: “this calls for a surprise chaotic event.” The first roll is a 5. All weapons turn into big fluffy pillows for the rest of the round. Pillowcases look however the champions like. Attacks are contested: if the defender rolls higher, the defender deals the damage. It’s “fluffy damage,” and “if you are a barbarian, fluffy damage is not something that you are resistant to.” “Floppiness ensues.”
80. 2:01:36 Richardo is “seriously conflicted”: he allied with Thass’Lok, “yet his buddy… He’s the one calling him Richard.” Bull One is stuck under a fallen gear, a single hoof sticking out (Chuck’s narration). Arbiter: “He’s got pool noodles on his horns.” GM: “Its horns are covered in tiny pillows.”
81. 2:02:33 Richardo turns on the Grandmaster. “Brothers, why should we fight amongst ourselves and not take it against our oppressors?” He fires his pillow bow at the Grandmaster. She defends: her pillowcase is full of quarters, it clanks, and she fails to let go in time and swings it into the Arbiter instead. Arbiter: “It’s fine, Grandmaster… I’ve been hit with a sack of quarters before.” Richardo’s attack beats hers, so his pillow hits her in the face. “Fine, you’ve made your point.” Richardo: “Yes, I feel much better.”
82. 2:04:45 Richardo pillow-shoots Dan, but Dan wins the contest and returns the pillow, with a smite behind it. “Smite pillow.” GM: “I’ve never thought about a smite pillow before.” A poof of feathers goes everywhere.
83. 2:06:15 Death by pillow bull. Bull One, now “a pillow bull,” charges Dan and wins the contest. “A giant pillow just rampages towards you and poof, and it just body slams you. While it is incredibly comfortable and soft… filled with duck feathers… it does hurt just enough that you fall and are dead yet again.” Steely Dan dies. Tape: “baby fart, doo doo doo doo doo.”

Final round

84. 2:07:36 GM: “This, dear champions, will be your final round. Show me what you’re worth.”
85. 2:07:48 The Steely Dan club. Chuck’s great club has become an anime pillow with a girl on it. “What the hell?” He throws it over his shoulder, picks up Steely Dan’s body as the nearest solid weapon, flings it over his shoulder and runs at Thass’Lok in the fog. Dan’s corpse can’t give him the Help action. Reckless Attack plus the GM’s earlier gift turn disadvantage into advantage, and his strength check hoists the body. Tavern Brawler makes him proficient with improvised weapons, “in this case it being Steely Dan!” Dan’s player rates himself “D12 to D20”; the GM gives 2d12. It hits for 20.
86. 2:10:06 Thass’Lok: “There’s nothing I can do. I’m going to be clobbered by Steely Dan. Might as well face it.” Dan’s line: “You’re a dick with a glove.” Thass’Lok: “Lady of the Ocean, take me.” His body crumples, and blood spews onto the gears. Thass’Lok dies.
87. 2:10:29 Victory. GM: “Enough! The team has clearly made victory.” She glides down, right hand to Chuck, left to Richardo.
88. 2:11:00 The name. “Your name’s Ricardo?” “Yes, it has always been Ricardo. Don’t worry about it.” Chuck: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I’ve been calling you Richard this entire time.” Richardo: “Oh, it’s fine. I think I was calling you Chuck.” (Chuck is his name.)
89. 2:11:20 GM: “To our winners… a team who did not know each other beforehand, but truly trusted in each other, Chuck and Ricard[o].” She raises their hands and flies them up into the air: “Acolytes, I give you your champions, your winners, your survivors.”
90. 2:12:12 Chuck’s final words. “Thank you for the dreaded GM for summoning us all to his channel for this battle royale, and thank you to my teammates, Richard, for not turning his back on me… I hope I was a worthy tribute.”
91. 2:12:41 Richardo’s final words. “I know that I said there would be violence followed by sex, so I hope we can make that happen. Also, we all know who the true winner is. Bull won, so thank you.” The crowd goes crazy. “Thank you all for coming to D20 Deathmatch!”

Dried Blood (after-show)

In-character (Dried Blood, canon)

• 2:22:58 The GM asks for one sentence of advice “from the perspective of your characters”:
  • Chuck: “Damage resistance is invaluable.”
  • Thass’Lok: “Stay out of range, stay out of sight.”
  • Richardo: “have fun, have sex, and live long.”
  • Steely Dan: “I like big butter can of limes.”

Out-of-character (creator notes)

• Team jokes: “2v1, v1, v1… plus” the doll.
• Richardo’s player: “I didn’t want to kill anybody except for Steely Dan… you bring a Paladin Warforged to a fight?”
• Dan’s player chose not to use Lay on Hands even at 60 HP.
• Someone says “Just gotta say though, Ramji [?], I love that character.” The name is unclear.
• Bec: three of the four were scaled (two lizardfolk, one dragonborn) and she expected them to bond, “and then y’all just didn’t even touch that.”
• Drew loved Chuck’s Macho Man Randy Savage delivery. The player says he gets “Nigel Thornberry a lot.”
• Chuck was built around unarmed wrestling moves and improvised weapons (“maybe we’d be like grabbing chairs”). The gears setting seemed to rule that out, and slapping Thass’Lok with Steely Dan was the payoff.
• Steely Dan’s name is a William Burroughs reference (a steam-powered dildo); “Steely Dan III” is the third after the dildo and the band. “Being slapped around the face by a Steely Dan” gets a second meaning.
• Forgeling on Thass’Lok: “the most stupidly edgy character I’ve ever played… killed by getting… turkey slapped.” Drew got “Batman vibes.”
• Thass’Lok’s backstory (player-stated): “he slaughters people in the bay and he does it himself and he does it in his environment.” Seeing gears and a warforged, “he is now threatened because someone’s in their element… purely a survival thing.” It “went exactly as it should have.”
• Dan’s player’s favorite moment was scrabbling for his tapes: “I can’t speak without them.”
• Richardo was “a giant stereotype.” His favorite part was the spirit bull. Bull One’s name is a pun: “Bull Juan” (J-U-A-N).
• Drew: “I’m always surprised… how much narrative we can fit into… everyone just killing each other.”

Who and what appears

Characters

Chuck Solid Gold Dragon Biff (talesofpesh). A dragonborn barbarian and wrestler. “Solid Gold” is his name on “the circuit of ass whooping.”

• Fights with Macho Man-style wrestling moves: grapple, pin, judo chop, Tavern Brawler, Frenzy, Reckless Attack.
• Has a once-a-day fire breath.
• Keeps sunglasses in his trunks (on when raging) and a great club stashed in the back of his trunks.
• Called Richardo “Richard” all match.
• Saved from the gears and blessed by the GM (“you little underdog,” “golden boy”).
• Won by bludgeoning Thass’Lok with Steely Dan’s corpse.

Richardo (carnisideshow / Chris). A lizardfolk ranger: bow, two short swords, Hunter’s Mark, Misty Step, Wind Wall, Healing Spirit.

• Promises “violence and love, and maybe some sex.”
• Bullfighter flair (red cloth, “Olé”).
• Betrayed both enemies with Wind Wall, then healed Chuck.
• Shot a pillow at the Grandmaster herself and hit her in the face.
• Says his name is Ricardo (“it has always been Ricardo”). Co-winner.

Bull One (Richardo’s summoned spectral bull; “Bull Juan”).

• Floats when it runs.
• Won a strength-off with a nat 20.
• Ended up stuck under a gear with pool noodles on its horns.
• Killed Steely Dan as a pillow bull.
• The GM is making it a collar and a cape; it “might have my heart.”

Steely Dan (the4thculture). “Steely Dan the third, the victor of the cosmic dragon’s duel.” A large warforged paladin with a glaive, Polearm Master, Sentinel, smites and Action Surge. Immune to fear.

• Speaks only through cassette tapes of misheard lyrics loaded into his chest. He rewinds them with a pencil.
• Mini discs are embedded in his armor, and a compartment holds “Now That’s What I Call…” CDs.
• He can project karaoke lyrics on his forehead.
• Intelligence of one; can’t remember Thass’Lok’s name.
• Befriended the haunted doll, which branded him with a rune and revived him once.
• Killed by Bull One’s pillow, then used as a club.

Thass’Lok (“Ghost in the Bay,” per the GM; Forgeling). A lizardfolk with rapier, shield, daggers, Hunter’s Mark, Colossus Slayer, Uncanny Dodge, Zephyr Strike, Fog Cloud and fancy footwork. Mostly naked.

• Serves “the mistress,” the Lady of the Ocean. He drowns people in “the black water bays.”
• Saw the gears as the warforged’s domain and betrayed his teammate from the first turn. Later felt betrayed by everyone.
• Died saying “Lady of the Ocean, take me.”

The haunted doll (chaos event; voiced and rolled by Bec, directed by Dan’s player).

• Wide unblinking eyes and a steady smile: “Come play with me.”
• Bonds by burning a rune into her friend’s skin.
• Teleports, and bites with plastic rotting teeth to drain HP into her friend.
• Revived Dan to 1 HP with a kiss and then left this plane.
• The Arbiter: “Oh no, not this again.”

The Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec).

• Watches goblin-reenacted soaps on a cardboard TV and loves mail time.
• Calls the Dread Fortress “my home.”
• Owns a Zune, a pillowcase full of quarters, and rum.
• Admits she is bad at maths and bad at keeping secrets.
• Her wings have a blue hue.
• Does not pay the Arbiter.

The Arbiter (Drew).

• Claims he can’t read. Collects people who fight to the death; found some at a 7-Eleven.
• Pulls marshmallows out of time and space.
• Has a betting problem (“money riding on you with some really nasty people”).
• Threw the giant wrench into the gears. Got hit with the GM’s sack of quarters.

The Dreaded GM. The sender of the invitation (a scroll with an emblem). He has dreads, and the match was held on his channel for a secret charity event (see Real-world references).

Teddy. Sells falafel at “the carnival”; the GM plans to stop at “Teddy’s.”

The goblins. The GM’s servants: soap-opera actors, finger-counters, and the holders of her footstool, popcorn and soda.

Places

• The Dread Fortress / “the Dreaded Fortress”: the Grandmaster’s home, her hall and throne (red velvet seats).
• The Clock of the Lost: a giant clockwork column, “a little place far, far out.” Copper gears are on one level; silver gears are above or below. The gears spin until “a magic word” is said (instead, they were stopped by the Arbiter’s wrench). Floating stands sit high above.
• The black water bays: Thass’Lok’s home “arena.”
• The circuit of ass whooping: Chuck’s fighting circuit.
• Teddy’s falafel stand at the carnival.

Items

• The endless blank scroll invitation.
• The goblins’ cardboard TV and the remote (“click”).
• The bag of marshmallows (s’mores list).
• Steely Dan’s tapes, mini discs and CDs.
• The invisibility sheet/cloak.
• The fantastical mushrooms (poison spores in 10 ft for three rounds).
• The friendship rune.
• The giant wrench.
• The fluffy pillows and pillow bow.
• The GM’s quarter-filled pillowcase.
• Chuck’s anime-girl pillow.

Lore statements

• Acolytes’ cheers can give champions advantage. Donations and subs fill the chaos meter; a gifter in the crowd can trigger a surprise chaos event.
• Ruling: a downed champion is “dying but conscious,” able to roleplay but not act.
• The GM: if the environment kills you, “I will not allow you to return home, victor or not.”
• This was the first 2v2 “ever in your arena,” and the first bull in the Dread Fortress.

Quotes by character

Chuck Solid Gold Dragon Biff

• 0:07:17 “You can call me Chuck, although my name is Chuck Solid Gold Dragon Biff.”
• 0:08:22 “The [solid] gold is what they call me in the, uh, in the circuit of ass whooping.”
• 0:29:57 “I understood that reference there, Tin Man.”
• 0:34:04 “I’m going to need you to stop that. You’re making it weird.”
• 0:46:51 “I wanna make you regret that, Tin Man.”
• 1:01:32 “Why do you always choose the underdog? Don’t you worry, Grandmaster. The cream is gonna rise to the top.”
• 1:13:55 “I don’t blame him for turning on you when you can’t even remember his name. At least I have the decency to remember Richard’s name.”
• 1:14:14 “I’m going to fold you up like an old wallet. I’m gonna press you into such a small singularity.”
• 1:46:52 “I got nothing but respect for Richard.”
• 1:53:49 “I’m going to have to get 18th century on your behinds.”
• 1:55:32 “Give it up for Solid Gold Dragon Biff! And Richard, he’s helping too.”
• 2:11:07 “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I’ve been calling you Richard this entire time.”
• 2:12:12 “Thank you to my teammates, Richard, for not turning his back on me… I hope I was a worthy tribute.”

Richardo

• 0:10:07 “My name is Richardo, and I am here to regale you with a spectacle of violence and love, and maybe some sex, huh?”
• 0:10:57 “My bull and I will very much kill anybody who put before us.”
• 0:11:07 “I just made him, but we’ll call him Bull One.”
• 0:26:31 “I don’t oppose you specifically. We just, we are putting on a show and we better make it good.”
• 0:49:11 “We were once teammates. And now, I guess we can still be teammates. Sure. I will, uh, shoot you. Your friend, I mean.”
• 1:17:27 “What is a good show? A drama without a little betrayal. I’m sorry, but also not sorry.”
• 1:18:18 “I’m sorry, but this only ends with one of us alive.”
• 1:25:15 “Holy shit, what is that doll? And I’m going to shoot it.”
• 1:31:05 “I may have to kill you after, but for now, we need to take out that doll.”
• 2:02:33 “Brothers, why should we fight amongst ourselves and not take it against our oppressors?”
• 2:11:00 “Yes, it has always been Ricardo. Don’t worry about it.”
• 2:12:41 “We all know who the true winner is. Bull won, so thank you.”

Steely Dan (mostly tape lines)

• 0:12:48 “It’s up to you, Steely Dan, the third… the victor of the cosmic dragon’s duel.”
• 0:29:00 “Gin or glaive.”
• 0:36:04 “You should feel ashamed of yourself, young man.”
• 0:36:31 “That was an original mixtape.”
• 1:00:12 / 1:01:41 “If you fall, I will catch you. You’ll be ice cream time after time.”
• 1:05:55 “You might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove.”
• 1:12:35 “We built this city on logs and coal.”
• 1:28:04 “I love you, you love me, we’re a violent family.”
• 1:28:54 “Love is a burning thing. And it makes a fiery rune.”
• 1:37:56 “Now you can’t buy these CDs in the shops. All 30 CDs come to you with a subscription of just $3.99.”
• 1:42:25 “I would like to execute the traitor… Get TP’d now!”
• 1:57:10 “Be safe, eat face.”

Thass’Lok

• 0:08:54 “The ocean, it has made a choice that it would send me to you, but the bloods have not been thick as they need to be. I will find it for her.”
• 0:09:28 “My own arena. The bays. The black water bays. And I drown those and serve the mistress in there.”
• 0:26:14 “You are the same breed. These numbers mean nothing. These teams mean nothing.”
• 0:26:41 “What you can do, stay out of my way.”
• 0:57:10 “This isn’t my domain. This belongs to the Warforged.”
• 0:57:12 “Now, return to what was yours.”
• 1:05:19 “I know what the Grandmaster said, but you are way too loud. It’s time to shut you up.”
• 1:35:13 “The nations are bonding together. We should do the same despite your betrayal, Ricardo.”
• 1:39:45 “If you would lead, I’d send him to the oceans. But I need to take my time.”
• 1:58:29 “I can trust any of you. Very disappointing.”
• 2:10:06 “I’m going to be clobbered by Steely Dan. Might as well face it.”
• 2:10:18 “Lady of the Ocean, take me.”

The haunted doll (Bec)

• 1:22:59 “Come play with me… Come be my friend.”

The Arbiter

• 0:02:39 “Do I know who it is from? I, I, no, I, I can’t read.”
• 0:03:00 “Is he that guy that sells the falafel at the carnival?”
• 0:05:41 “Some people collect pogs and stones and things like that. I like to collect people that fight to the death.”
• 0:06:45 “I found some of these guys at the 7-Eleven.”
• 0:24:27 “Acolytes of the Grandmaster, you have come for dungeons and dice and deathmatches, and you will have blood.”
• 0:58:13 “I’ve tried to see about enrolling them in Juilliard, but, you know, it’s a very political process.”
• 1:17:05 “I have a lot of money riding on you with some really nasty people. I really should stop betting.”
• 1:22:55 “Oh no, not this again.”
• 1:48:52 “I think it might be a 2v1, v1, vdoll situation.”
• 2:04:10 “I’ve been hit with a sack of quarters before.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

• 0:01:09 “What is it that could be by far more important than my soaps right now?”
• 0:02:08 “Weird flex, but thank you.”
• 0:03:03 “No, that’s Teddy. That’s Teddy. Very different.”
• 0:05:54 “Champions, you’ve found yourself inside the Dreaded Fortress. This is my home.”
• 0:14:26 “You are here representing me, my name, the Grandmaster… You will put on a show and you will spill blood.”
• 0:16:00 “I don’t pay you.”
• 0:21:07 “Do not let the environment be that which takes your life. Or I will not allow you to return home, victor or not.”
• 0:57:45 “I think he does, and he does not care. Oh, I love the heartlessness.”
• 1:01:20 “I’m cheering for you, you little underdog. If you want to be the true gold winner, make sure you earn it.”
• 1:07:11 “Bull One actually might have my heart right now.”
• 1:49:47 “Don’t ask me questions about secret things because I’m really bad at keeping secrets.”
• 1:53:28 “Remember, I want blood. I want gore. I want you to end lives.”
• 2:10:29 “Enough! The team has clearly made victory.”
• 2:11:20 “A team who did not know each other beforehand, but truly trusted in each other.”