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S1E6 — Belly of the Beast — Viago v Tetra

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tagsepisode, season-1

37 min read

Champions and playersfabled42 as Viago; theshortnord (called “Mike” at the table) as Tetra Kincaid
ResultViago (a kick to Tetra’s back; the Arbiter’s gelatinous cube eats her body)
Arenathe Siren’s Nautilus, a living sunken ship-creature at the bottom of the ocean. The fight starts in its ballroom and moves to its stomach, which holds a glowing green pit and a gelatinous cube.
HostsCaustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer); Mudcat narrates and plays the Arbiter
WatchYouTube

What happens

Opening — rock, paper, scissors in the throne room

  1. 0:00:02 In the subterranean castle of the Grandmaster, Elusia sits on her throne playing rock, paper, scissors with her goblins, and is not doing well. Bec takes over the story. Elusia glares at the goblins, and they change their hands so that they lose to her. “I win every time. No one ever beats me at this. I’m the best there is in this entire fortress.”
  2. The goblins file past one after another. One goblin hangs his head and goes to the back of the line behind the other seven, so she can beat each of them in turn. She explains that there is strategy to it: “You have to go fast and you have to out-think them… You have to know who your opponent is.”
  3. 0:01:05 — The Arbiter is challenged. He says he is “merely an observer to your glorious rock-paper-scissors technique.” She calls him up to a spot at her feet anyway. He asks whether it’s “one, two, three, and then shoot.” She says no: “Why would you have the extra time?”
  4. 0:01:49 They play several rounds. The first is a tie (“a nice warm-up”). Then she accuses him of being slower and of cheating, and smacks his hand away. She says he was “a whole two and a half seconds slower.”
    • 0:02:29 The Arbiter: “What you’re experiencing is video delay.” She doesn’t accept it.
    • He offers to close his eyes. She has him lead “since you’re blind.” He then declares: “You win, Grandmaster.”
    • “Is my fortress what I say goes?” “Yes, I 100% agree with that.”
  5. 0:03:18 — Why he came. “It is time for some people to die.” She thought it was laundry day. Laundry day is tomorrow: the deathmatch comes first, “just in case there’s any blood on the clothing.”
    • GM: “I’m glad I didn’t hire you, but I brought you here, so that works as well.”
  6. 0:03:50 She does something to a goblin’s leg (the transcript says “shoot”; possibly “shoo” or “smack”). She tells it: “You always choose rock. It’s fine… It’ll help me win later.”
    • She warns the Arbiter: “If you tell me again it’s from like the 7-Eleven or TGI Fridays, I swear I’m going to be upset.”
  7. 0:04:18 — The champions under sheets. “I ripped the finest warriors from all space and time.” This time he doesn’t use a portal. Two figures stand covered in decorative sheets like statues, and he rips the sheets off dramatically: “Grandmaster, I give you Viago and Tetra.”
  8. 0:05:08 — Viago presents himself. “Viago here. I hear there’s some blood that needs to be shed. And I’m ready to do it in your honor.”
    • Asked how he wins: “First off, I do it with a lot of rage.” He throws up a rock sign: “This is too much rock and roll for one hand.”
    • GM: “Part of it is just pure intimidation alone… I like this champion.”
    • 0:06:12 Where he was found: “the wilderness.” Pressed, the Arbiter insists it is “a place called the wilderness… a very small location.” GM: “No, that’s not lazy at all.”
  9. 0:06:57 Viago heckles while Tetra hesitates: “He’s frightened of me. He can’t even speak.”
  10. 0:07:03 — Tetra presents herself. “My name is Tetra Kincaid, and I don’t need to do all the yelling and all of the bones. Disgusting. You’re very gross. I like to just keep it simple and murder.”
    • On her training: “I was trained as far as many people could train me, and then I did figure out more myself.”
    • Asked about her kill count (“under your belt? Or tail?”): “It is more than him, I’m sure.”
    • “Anything for someone so beautiful as you, my dear.”
    • GM: “This is the one I’m cheering for. The flattery will get you everywhere… especially here in this court.”
  11. 0:08:24 — Where Tetra was found. The Arbiter: “the most foul, gut-wrenching, blood-infested place you could imagine.” The GM guesses “McDonald’s?” It was “The parking lot outside of Disney.” GM: “If anyone can survive there, they’ll certainly do well in this arena.”
  12. 0:08:41 — Rock, paper, scissors with the champions. Each champion must play her once before entering.
    • Viago loses or lets her win: “Viago’s going to do very well, and I’m glad you know your place.”
    • Tetra throws the same hand she does: “There! Excellent!”
  13. 0:10:27 The Arbiter claps and rips open a portal of green and purple hues.

The arena — the Siren’s Nautilus

  1. 0:10:45 GM: “Welcome, welcome to the Siren’s Nautilus.”
    • They are in the ballroom of a sunken ship. She has made an air bubble for them. If they go outside or pierce the walls, “you might find yourself swimming with the fishes,” and there’s no swimming to the surface.
    • The overgrown ship begins to move and breathe. “This ship is a living being that you are inside of… my precious beast. I use it to scour the seas and claim whatever happens to fall to its death.”
    • The ground is electrified like a jellyfish, dangerous skin to skin.
    • The floor is luminescent purple tile with pearls along the edges, with puddles of water.
    • There are exits at either end, “but you do not know where they will take you.”
    • “Be careful. This ship may bite back.”
  2. 0:12:31 — The crowd. She flies up through the ceiling, which ripples like water. Above, “almost like a SeaWorld tank,” the crowd circles and looks down “as if through a glass boat bottom”: “These are your acolytes… this show is for them. Win their hearts and you might make it out alive.”
  3. 0:13:38 — Placement. The d4 rolls put both champions in the same spot, nose to nose.
    • Viago: “She won’t look for four sides, boy.” Tetra: “Yes, you idiot.” GM: “I know we struggled to count to two.” Counting jokes at Viago’s expense run through the whole episode.
    • GM: “Start off face to face, lips to lips.” Arbiter: “Eye to eye in a slow dance of death… we want a dirty fight.”
    • The crowd gives Viago a hero point. Tetra: “I knew he would need a leg up.”
  4. 0:15:58 Initiative: Viago 17 (with advantage), Tetra 13.

Round 1 — cat versus dog

  1. 0:16:19 — Viago transforms. He rages and turns into a dire wolf.
    • The GM asks for “that iconic dire wolf howl.” The sound cut out, “so we got these cute little pup pal clips instead.”
    • He is resistant to everything except psychic damage: “I’m a totem barbarian.” That carries into wolf form.
    • GM: “Cat versus dog.” Viago: “That was not intentional.”
  2. 0:17:58 — Tetra’s astral arms. “I love killing these stupid canines.” She spends ki on Arms of the Astral Self: big glowing astral arms around her own feline arms, dealing force damage with extra reach. They hit Viago as they appear (he fails the Dex save).
    • Then: “You need to see what the real claws look like.” Two claw strikes: a hit, then a nat 20. “Yeah, bitch.” “Please tell me how you’ll deal with this, you stupid dog.”
    • The wolf drops to 16 HP. She looks at her bloody claws and picks the little hairs out.
  3. 0:22:05 The fans give Tetra a hero point too.
    • GM: “Claws are out right from the get-go… Changing to dire wolf, bringing out massive kitty arms.”
    • The GM asks for her end-of-round “secret” d20 (a 7). Arbiter: “Is it really a secret?” Viago: “I don’t know what you’re doing.” GM: “He can’t count higher than three probably.”

Round 2

  1. 0:23:23 — Wolf bites. One of two bites hits. The rolls were hidden from the table until the Arbiter revealed them. GM: “How dare you keep secrets from us? I require transparency on my field.”
    • Tetra makes every one of the bite’s Strength saves with her Wisdom (18s), thanks to the astral arms.
    • Tetra: “Classic fight between the dexterous and the dumb.” Arbiter: “We’re gonna have to remember that one.” GM: “I will be the dexterous and you can be the dumb.”
  2. 0:25:16 — The quarterstaff to the nose. Tetra pulls a quarterstaff from behind her head and claps the wolf on the nose: “You’ve been a bad boy.” The wolf gets a bloody nose.
    • “Yes, I love waking up to that sound.” She lands a second bop (she says “boob”; she means bop).
    • The GM rules that halved damage rounds up, “because we are terribly cruel and unfair and cold-hearted monsters.”
    • 0:26:56 Tetra: “Was you a cat in your last life, Grandmaster?” (transcript: “How do you show you want a cat”). GM: “I’ve lived many lives, so you might be onto something there.”
  3. 0:27:14 Her flurry of blows rolls a natural 1, and the miss costs her the second flurry. Tetra: “So distracted by the beautiful harmony of his squeals.”
  4. 0:27:55 — The GM’s warning. “Don’t be enchanted by your own abilities… I picked you early on, so that means you cannot lose, or I will have to avenge my own wrath upon this field.” “No more nat ones. Those are not allowed here.” To Viago: “Cute little puppy, isn’t it time for you to grow up?”
  5. 0:28:52 — The hostile workplace. The Arbiter rolls a 5, and the GM mocks it: “Couldn’t even make it to the double digits.”
    • Arbiter: “This is becoming a hostile workplace, I think maybe I should talk to HR.”
    • GM: “It’s really funny that you thought we had an HR, because we don’t. Also, it’s not a workplace.”
    • He doesn’t get paid. It’s “like a partnership.” He is “rewarded in leftover cold popcorn,” he gets to boss the goblins around sometimes, and “You get to do my laundry, so win-win.”
    • Arbiter: “I’ll just take my payment in blood in round three.” GM: “You can collect some vials after this… Or else then I might have to pay him.”

Round 3 — the spotlight moon and the metal chairs

  1. 0:30:05 Viago lands two more bites. Tetra makes both saves with consistent 18s.
    • GM: “Maybe just all bark and no bite… Perhaps you should put on a better show.”
    • She summons a moon that rises and shines down on Viago like a spotlight: “Let’s see the wolf inside you.”
  2. 0:31:42 — The wolf’s performance. He pounces with both paws onto Tetra’s shoulders, howls and growls in her face, and drops back to all fours. Performance 15. “The Grandmaster is appeased.” She blesses him for one round.

Chaos event — the metal chairs (0:32:56)

  1. The Arbiter: “Our acolytes have demanded chaos.” The GM lets him “redeem that sad five.” He rolls an 18.
    • Laughing, she goes behind her throne. There is shuffling, then a clinging and harshing of metal dragged across the floor. She brings out two metal chairs, one for the Arbiter and one for herself.
    • The rules: each champion calls a coin flip. The Arbiter’s chair is for Viago, and the Grandmaster’s is for Tetra, “my prize champion.” Call it right and you don’t get hit.
    • They use a 1d2: “we haven’t gotten the Arbiter to get us cooler coins yet.” The Arbiter: “I’m working on it, Grandmaster.” GM: “Viago can only count from one to two.”
  2. 0:35:56 Tetra: “Tails never fail, so I’ll go with a two.” She’s right. The GM throws her chair to the ground in frustration.
  3. 0:36:06 — The dive. “Grandmaster, have mine.” The Arbiter hands over his chair.
    • She holds it over her head and asks the Acolytes: “Do we give him the chair?” She gets them hyped: “Give him the chair! This is for you!”
    • She flies above center stage and circles until she makes a small tornado. Then, “like a falcon skydiving,” she brings the chair down on Viago’s head.
    • The damage is “metal chair damage,” which nothing resists: “It is a unique brand.” Viago: “It’s a celestial metal chair. I am still a wolf, technically.”
    • The rusty chair gives way, and Viago’s head goes through the seat. He now wears it as a necklace. “Think of this as a collar. If you can break free, perhaps you’re as wild as you deserve to be.” “That chaos is for you.”
    • Tetra: “Very well done. And Inquisitor, good manners.” (She calls the Arbiter “Inquisitor” several times; see below.)
  4. 0:38:09 — The neck twist. Tetra grabs the chair around the wolf’s neck and twists its head. It hits (26).
    • 0:38:39 Drew narrates (tagged 02): “You watch as you snap that neck, it growls in pain, and in your hands you watch as the seven-foot-tall orc, Viago…” The wild shape ends, and Viago is back in his own body.
    • Tetra: “Oof, I may have made a terrible misstep… Somehow you’ve gotten uglier from a dog.”
    • Arbiter: “He’s not smart enough to have feelings.”
  5. 0:39:43 Tetra: “Let’s try to make you a little more prettier with that face.” Her claw misses.
  6. 0:39:58 — The Sentinel. Tetra spends ki on Step of the Wind to disengage and run 60 ft.
    • Viago has Sentinel, so she still provokes. “That’s not just a nice axe, that’s a great axe.” The greataxe hits for 16, and her speed drops to 0.
    • Tetra: “Oh, well, you are quite an asshole. Fine, I will stay here, but I’m not happy about it.”
    • GM: “I feel like we just got a glimpse into the true Tetra.” Tetra: “I don’t even want to take it no more.”
  7. 0:42:06 The Arbiter rolls a 13. GM: “It’s one of my favorite numbers, so you are a bit in my good graces.”
    • The two are stuck in one corner, so she suggests: “We might have to talk to the ship soon, see if she can move them around… the contents inside her might be getting a little stale.” Arbiter: “I’ll have a conversation with the ship.”

Round 4 — the teeth

  1. 0:43:25 Viago wipes blood off his lip: “I’m glad you think I was stupid. That was the idea. Now here comes the pain.” One of two hits (13 slashing): “I don’t like this kitty.”
    • The bless has already lapsed. GM: “You think I would give you the blessing for all of eternity?… Everything comes from a cost here. Remember, flattery will get you everywhere.”
  2. 0:45:05 — Viago’s smile. He grins at Tetra. His teeth are horrible. Tetra: “I may have to pick some of that mold off of your tusk.”
    • Arbiter: “We do have a dentist on staff, but he’s more adept at ripping teeth out than putting them right.”
    • GM: “He’s done a few dentures in time… Fake teeth are not cheap, so it’s only if you win you can get replacement teeth.”
    • Tetra: “No HR department, but great benefits.” GM: “Terrible business structure. Don’t follow what we do.”
  3. 0:46:29 — Stunning Strike, saved by the hero point. Tetra: “This is absolutely hard to look at. Let me fix it with that staff.” She lands a two-handed quarterstaff hit and spends ki on Stunning Strike.
    • Viago fails his Con save (12), then spends his hero point to reroll (16) and beats the DC by one.
    • GM: “The fans push Viago to play through it and strengthen himself.”
    • Tetra: “You are just big asshole. You are the worst.” Another staff hit, then Patient Defense.
    • “Last time I tried to move, he was asshole. Last time I tried to hit him, he was asshole… It is asshole moment.”
  4. 0:49:24 — The Arbiter’s bet. “A classic cat versus dog situation… My money would be on Viago. Based on the fact that he is bleeding less.”
  5. 0:49:53 — The GM on getting hurt. “On my arena, getting hurt is part of it. That’s part of what makes you alive. That’s what makes you a champion. When you see the scars, the blood flowing from your skin, it awakens something in your soul.”
    • She says Viago turns deep cuts into scratches and isn’t “getting the full experience of the fight… life on the line… Sorry, I haven’t read many books.”
    • Arbiter: “I promise you, you will see blood from Viago tonight.”

Round 5 — the healing word and the muscles

  1. 0:51:07 At disadvantage, Viago misses twice. Tetra: “Oop, oop, cat sidestep.”
    • Viago: “Why don’t you stop playing around and fight me like a little kitty.” Tetra: “Big Bad Dog has some bark in him.” His intimidation (17) loses to her insight (19): “That threat is real, but it doesn’t quite get you.”
  2. 0:52:37 — Viago heals his opponent. “Because I heard the Grandmaster and everything she was saying.” He drops his rage and casts Healing Word on Tetra for two points: “I don’t want you to die too fast.”
    • GM: “So sure, so confident of his abilities! He even heals his opponent! This, this is the arrogance I love to see!”
    • He is now resistant to nothing. Tetra: “Well, that took the wind out of my sails… I am Confucian [confused].”
    • Tetra: “This is very nice of you, big ugly tusk man, but I still have to hurt you.”
  3. 0:54:38 A staff hit, then another Stunning Strike. Tetra spends her hero point. She asks to give Viago disadvantage, but the GM rules a hero point is a positive for its user, so she raises the DC by 2 to 17 instead. Viago rolls a 20 and isn’t stunned.
  4. 0:55:53 — Body of the Astral Self. More ki: both astral arms out, deflection of energy damage, and Empowered Arms (+d8).
    • Arbiter: “Is there anything else you want to add to that list?” GM: “Like a large fry…” “Flex, you said you got muscly arms.”
    • 0:57:03 The black pants. Tetra: “Yes, I wear black because it is slimming. I don’t want to embarrass Big Tusk Man here.” Then: “You’re not even wearing shirts, you big elf.” Viago is shirtless and looks at his black pants. “You wear black pants because they’re slimming. You don’t want to embarrass anybody… How thoughtful.” GM: “The kindness continues.”
    • Tetra: “You are very funny for big gross man. I just want big buff arms like him.”
  5. 0:57:52 GM: “This has drawn attention to an area of Viago I was not prepared for. I was thinking behind, but apparently we were talking about in front.” She calls a break to refill her drink. Arbiter: “I already forgot about it, Grandmaster, and you will too.”

After the break — round 6

  1. 0:58:28 GM: “Welcome back… I brought my popcorn.” Arbiter: “We have popcorn. We have fresh blood.” Round six is “more than two twos,” a jab at Viago’s counting.
  2. 0:59:35 Viago: “I’m going to hit him in the face.” GM: “Knock his pretty teeth out!”
    • Two greataxe hits land, though her astral body softens them. The GM admits she “just nodded” through Tetra’s list. Arbiter: “Someone at your station shouldn’t have to listen to lists.”
    • Viago heals himself with Healing Word.
  3. 1:01:38 — The white fur and the sack shot. Tetra: “You have gotten blood on my fur, which I just got cleaned and it is white… I hate you for this.” She goes for his “face… or scrotum, whichever is closer.”
    • Viago is about seven feet tall. Arbiter: “I guess it’s a sack shot then.” Tetra: “I go for scrotham… It is like speed bag.”
    • The claw hits: “I do 11 damage to testicle, specifically left one.”
    • GM: “I don’t know much about orc anatomy. Are there two?” Tetra: “Well, rule 34 of internet says three.” Viago: “Well, I can count to two.” GM: “We’ve been doing a lot of math lessons. I didn’t know if it was time for a science lesson.”
  4. 1:03:50 — Buff kitty. Her second claw misses. Her flurry of blows rolls a natural 20 with her “buff arms” d8, for 28. Viago: “That’s way too many numbers.”
    • Tetra: “It’s called new math. They introduce it like assholes to children nowadays.”
    • The second flurry adds “seven points more of my claws in scrotum.” Viago: “A little to the left. Oh, there you go.” GM: “This is like some Addams Family, like, I like pain.” Arbiter: “You gotta burn him out.”
    • Tetra: “I have terminated your scrolls. If you can move now, please move.”

The ship tilts — the stomach (1:07:18)

  1. The GM asks the Arbiter to “whisper in her ear and tell her to just shake things up.” The Arbiter blinks out of existence for a moment.
    • The ship tilts sharply and shoots straight up through the water, vertical. Both champions are thrown through an open doorway into another chamber: the creature’s stomach.
    • In the middle is a large, glowing green fountain. The walls are coated in slime and ooze and lined with “the somewhat living mummified bodies of sailors” the creature swallowed.
    • The floor is sticky fluid that eats at the soles of their shoes.
    • GM: “Welcome to the bowels of this ship. Find your place here, or you might just be devoured.”
  2. 1:09:22 New placement puts them on opposite sides of the fountain. Viago: “How does a digital dice get cocked?” GM: “Anything is possible.” Initiative is rerolled, and Tetra goes twice in a row.
  3. 1:10:27 — “Inquisitor.” Tetra thanks the “great Inquisitor and Grandmaster.” Corrected, she offers: “I would be happy to put you through an Inquisition if you’d like.”
    • GM: “He goes by any name… Listen, you got yourself into this boat.”
    • Arbiter: “This is not really my type. Usually something less feline.”
    • Tetra: “Yes, strong, powerful woman. I understand.” GM: “A strong, powerful woman is all that I’m about. We get it. He doesn’t get it.”
  4. 1:11:23 — Darts. “I do something new.” Two darts hit Viago, one in each “eye hole.” Viago: “Look, I don’t have three digits of HP anymore.” She uses Patient Defense again: “Big, strong, burly, dart eye man.”
  5. 1:13:27 — The mummy. Because of where she landed, Tetra makes a Strength save (using Wisdom) and succeeds. A squirming mummified humanoid behind her reaches out to pin her against the wall, but she gets away. Tetra: “Oh my god, that thing’s moving.”
    • Viago: “I think someone’s about to touch your bits.”
  6. 1:14:22 Viago boxes her in so she can only escape past “the guy who’s touching her bits.” His reckless swing misses (a 2), then one lands.
    • “See, these are real muscles. Those are pretend ones. Those are like fantasy ones.”
    • He heals himself for “two little points of pokey pokey.”
  7. 1:16:03 GM: “It is a bit of a hungry and devouring sort of location.”
  8. 1:16:39 — Stomach acid. Con saves. Tetra rolls a nat 20 and is safe this round and the next. Viago takes 1 acid damage as the acid seeps through his boots.
    • Viago: “You think that’s acid? Try that.” He spits on the stomach, and Drew notes the stomach takes one point of damage.
    • Viago: “We’re both gonna get digested here, you know that, right?” Tetra: “You will get digested. I am going to dance my way out of this gross stomach.”

Round 7 — the shove and the grapple

  1. 1:17:39 Tetra rushes Viago and tries to shove him toward the pit. “It turns out real muscles really do count”: Viago wins, 16 to 15.
    • She tries Step of the Wind again. Sentinel hits her again, and she can’t move.
    • Tetra: “You are doing more damage to me on my turn than you are doing damage to me on your turn. Everyone in crowd, [Caligari?], he is asshole.”
    • The crowd laughs, half agreeing. “Assholes or not, you’re not winning is the point they’re giving you.”
    • The GM hears barking in the stands: “Clearly the hounds have their own cheer… They felt their kindred spirit out on the field.”
    • Tetra: “I don’t even feel like cat dancing this round… In my mind, I chose to do this.”
  2. 1:21:45 Viago throws his arms out: “What do you wish, Grandmaster?” He rages again and grabs Tetra by the throat to lift her (athletics 21). She rolls a nat 20 and slips free. Arbiter: “Dude, you’re on fire tonight.” Tetra: “I’ve been dancing, you big ape.” Viago: “He just reversed my finishing move.”

Chaos event — the bouncy castle (1:23:17)

  1. The crowd is fired up: “Muscles mean nothing if you don’t have the speed to match them.” Tetra rolls for the chaos event.
    • The first roll lands on 18 again. GM: “I already broken one metal chair. I need to order more. Add more to the list, all right, Arbiter?” Tetra: “How about half of 18?” It becomes 9.
    • The acid floor fades and turns soft and springy. “The ground is now a bouncy castle!” Walking is halved and jumping is doubled. Attacks from the ground have disadvantage, and jumping attacks have advantage. It lasts one round for each of them.
  2. 1:25:52 — The triple bounce. “You have given me a great gift, Grandmaster.” Tetra double hops and comes down with the quarterstaff on Viago’s tusks. Then a triple bounce: she puts the staff away mid-jump and comes down claws first, for another natural 20.
    • Viago: “Good God, it’s disgusting.” Out of character: “I’ve never been this lucky in my life.”
    • “I come down with the fury of a thousand kittens. They have kittens, not cats… very small, but they pierce like needles.”
    • A flurry follows, including a “dirty 20.” GM: “Can we still recognize Viago’s face? I know he had that really nice skull helmet.”
    • “Everyone knows cats always land on all fours.”
  3. 1:30:11 Viago drops his rage, casts Jump on himself, and rages again, and does not attack. He asks how high the ceiling is: 30 ft. GM: “I see wheels turning.”
  4. 1:31:15 Tetra uses Feline Agility to double her speed to 120 ft. She lands two bare-pawed strikes (“Now you only get bare knuckled cat.” GM: “Soft paws coming at you”), then disengages.
    • Viago lets her go without an opportunity attack. Arbiter: “He must be preparing for some sort of final move.”
    • Tetra climbs the 30-ft wall “like a spider” and does “a cat’s wiggle dance on the wall.”
  5. 1:34:03 — The leap and the suplex. With tripled jump, Viago runs, leaps to Tetra on the wall, grabs her from behind, and drives a belly-to-back suplex all the way to the ground. Reckless; he wins the contest with a dirty 20.
    • The 30-ft fall: Tetra uses Tabaxi slow fall as a reaction. The GM rules it slows Viago too, since he is holding her.
    • “It suddenly turns into this very romantic soft moment.” Viago: “You smell lovely.”
    • Tetra: “I actually use a very good herbal mixture of hibiscus and mint… mint, it actually opens your pores.”
    • Arbiter: “Hibiscus, Grandmaster, we keep hearing about hibiscus. We might have to first the lube, now this.” GM: “No, no, no, let them have a moment.”
    • Both land prone, and Tetra is still grappled, his face by her ear. “Hey, you feel that?” (speaker uncertain, probably Viago). Tetra: “I feel the weight of this conversation on my psyche at the moment.”
    • Arbiter: “A smooth, slow, touching moment as you fall down.”

Round 8 — the pit and the gelatinous cube

  1. 1:38:11 Tetra: “You are very strong, powerful man, and usually I am looking for this in life, but this is not the moment.”
    • She rolls a natural 1 to escape, which costs her bonus action too.
    • “I used Accept Fate, which is a special move. I’m kidding. I’m just accepting my fate.” Viago: “AKA gives up.” He is “bear-hugging the shit out of her.”
  2. 1:39:30 — Into the pool. Viago stands her up, steps back, and suplexes her over his shoulder into the green pool, trying not to go in himself: “Either she’s gonna die or she’s gonna turn into some big bad and I’m gonna die.”
    • She deflects all the acid damage with Body of the Astral Self.
    • But she is now knee-deep in a gelatinous cube, which starts to engulf her. GM: “The gelatinous cube!”
    • Arbiter: “Usually found in dungeons, it is a slow-moving object dealing acid damage and engulfing its prey, devouring it slowly.”
    • Tetra’s Dex save is a natural 20. She pops out and kicks the cube, then climbs onto the edge. The cube follows her out of the pool after “what it thinks is its meal.”
  3. 1:42:27 — One life out of nine. Tetra takes stock: “Internally, that falling moment, very weird, deal with that later. Externally, bleeding very much on all of the nice fur that I’ve been growing for decades… What is one life out of nine, right?”
    • She sprints around to tackle Viago into the cube. GM: “Jello fight! In the ring!” Tetra: “Everyone wants to see it. He is shirtless. I am clearly a 10.”
    • She spends ki to try again, but Viago’s chest doesn’t move: “it’s a wall.”
    • Tetra: “This has just gotten more awkward as I power arm your pecs.” Viago: “You understand why I wear the black pants now, right?” “No, I don’t. I don’t like any of this.” She compares it to “the scene from Captain America where… she just lightly touches him.”
  4. 1:45:09 Viago’s axe is “still in me back,” so he punches her twice, recklessly: once in the face, then he bends her over and hits again.
    • Tetra: “I am very close to death… me touching your chesticles, your chest.”
  5. 1:46:28 — The second healing word. Viago drops his rage again and heals Tetra two points, and slaps her on the backside: “You like it like that?” This line is tagged 00 but is Viago’s.
    • Tetra: “That is so very, very rude and condescending of you… But you’ve given me the strength and anger to get up and slash your face for a final time.” Viago: “Sorry, this is terrible. I feel terrible.”
    • He steps away from “the gooey bits” as the Arbiter brings the cube out of the pit: “This is a hungry cube.”
  6. 1:47:49 The stomach acid returns. Tetra fails her Con save and deflects it with her astral self.

Final round

  1. 1:49:18 Tetra: “I am feeling like an asshole at this point.”
    • Viago honestly tells her she has advantage because he attacked recklessly. “Thank you for your honesty.”
    • A tie gives a glancing staff blow. “I’m very exhausted… why even continue with this?”
    • GM: “Keep fighting. Keep your spirit. Demand respect. Even if you die, Tetra, keep your dignity.”
    • The Arbiter’s wager: “If you’re going to die, maybe wait till the next round, because I’ve placed some late fight wagers. I need you to go to the 13th.”
    • A 28 hits for 12. Her last Stunning Strike is met with another 20-plus Con save. Tetra: “Cannot be stunned, Viago, the Stunless.”
  2. 1:51:41 — The kick. Viago shakes his head and looks up at the Grandmaster, the Arbiter and the cube. Then he spins around and kicks her hard for six bludgeoning.
    • Tetra: “Well, it was fun, but that is me and I go down.”
    • GM: “After all these moves, epic in nature… Foot to back, kicks for Tetra where she’s vulnerable and she goes down. A mere simple kick is all it took.”

Aftermath

  1. 1:52:15 — The frozen cube. The Grandmaster floats down and lands on the gelatinous cube, which freezes into an ice block under her feet. It becomes a stand. “Come, join me center stage.” She and Viago rise toward the fans, leaving the Arbiter and Tetra on the ground.
  2. 1:53:34 — Tetra’s end. The Arbiter kneels by Tetra, “dying from blunt force trauma to the chest,” and unfreezes the cube:
    • “Normally, I would reserve a specimen such as you for my army. But in this case, my pet is hungry.”
    • The cube engulfs her body and starts devouring her bones. Her fur dissolves: “The beautiful fur.” Perhaps she gives “a Terminator 2 thumbs up” as she goes under.
    • The Arbiter poofs her, the cube and himself out of the arena.
  3. 1:54:43 — The victor. GM: “Dear Acolytes, you had asked for a fight of epic proportion… But only one survives. One truly poured their soul out on this field, showed their true grit, and brought creativity to our fight.”
    • “Viago!” The crowd throws up rock fists and screams his name, “just as reckless as every single attack… no rhythm.”
    • “Viago, you have truly brought greatness to my field. You have brought blood and violence… You will join me as we retreat.”
    • “Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”

Dried Blood (after-show)

  • Drew: “I definitely got to learn to push the audio buttons better.”
  • In-ish character (Dried Blood):
    • Viago (2:56:49 area, 1:56:49): “I did the right stretching and I ate all the good vegetables before the match. And I did an ample amount of trash talking.”
    • Tetra (1:57:47): “He was being quite the big asshole… I let him have it, because sometimes every dog needs their day.”
    • Tetra’s parting words (2:02:57): “Do not fight asshole at bottom of ocean.”
    • Viago’s parting words (2:03:06): “Trust your gut. And if anybody was just trying to run away from you, you stop them in their tracks.”
  • On the kick: Viago’s player thought Tetra had more left. He was trying to insult her into fighting back.
  • The nat 20s: Mike says he has never rolled so many in his life: “It’s the only reason I survived as long as I did.”
  • Stun rules: Drew says the show has homebrew rules for Stunning Strike in 1v1 PvP so no one is stun-locked. They never came into play.
  • The map: from Animated Dungeon Maps (Patreon). Its animation (the beings reaching out) startled Mike. Mike’s prep sheet showed a fire-themed starting page, so he didn’t expect “a beast under the ocean… you put a cat in water.”
  • Water: Viago’s player hoped the room would flood (“octopus, activate”). His backup wild shapes were a giant octopus or a giant toad. Mike had a line ready: “You’re just one arm short of my nine lives.” Drew: “If we ever reuse this map, that’s happening.”
  • Viago’s race (player-stated): in the player’s homebrew world, Viago is an Orochiath, half orc and half Goliath. Both cultures usually despise each other, but this line was “bred through love”: the founders were shunned by their clans and started their own. On this show he is played as half-orc (half human). Bec: “The spirit’s there though.”
  • Mike built Tetra small and fast after seeing Viago’s art: “a Manny Pacquiao situation.” Both agree that Sentinel “is disgusting.”

Who and what appears

Characters

Viago (fabled42).

  • Body: a seven-foot-tall half-orc (“orc” in narration). Shirtless, with black pants. A skull helmet. Moldy, horrible teeth and tusks.
  • Fighting: a rage-based totem barbarian (“resistant to everything but psychological”), with a greataxe and the Sentinel feat.
  • Druid magic (multiclass inferred from Wild Shape, Healing Word and Jump):
    • Wild Shape into a dire wolf.
    • Healing Word, used twice on Tetra and on himself.
    • Jump.
  • Found by the Arbiter in “the wilderness”, which he insists is a real, small place.
  • In this episode:
    • His rock-and-roll hand sign.
    • The running jokes that he can only count to two.
    • Performed for the GM’s moon and was blessed.
    • Was hit with the metal chair and wore it as a collar.
    • Healed his opponent out of arrogance.
    • Suplexed Tetra from the wall and into the pit.
    • Won with a kick.
  • Earned the nickname “Viago the Stunless” (from Tetra).
  • Dried Blood: an Orochiath in his player’s homebrew world.

Tetra Kincaid (theshortnord, “Mike”).

  • Body: a feline Tabaxi monk (Way of the Astral Self) with white fur she has grown “for decades” and uses a hibiscus-and-mint conditioner on.
  • Style: wears black because it’s slimming. Speaks with a heavy accent and broken English (“he is asshole”) and says “my dear.”
  • Gear: a quarterstaff kept behind her head, claws, and darts.
  • Abilities: Arms and Body of the Astral Self, Stunning Strike, Patient Defense, Step of the Wind, Feline Agility, climbing, and slow fall.
  • Found by the Arbiter in “the parking lot outside of Disney.”
  • The GM’s favorite this episode (“I picked you early on”).
  • Hates canines.
  • Calls the Arbiter “Inquisitor” and flirts with both the GM and the Arbiter.
  • Rolled many natural 20s.
  • Fate: defeated by Viago’s kick. The Arbiter fed her body to his pet gelatinous cube instead of keeping her for his army.

The Arbiter (Drew).

  • Humors the GM at rock, paper, scissors.
  • Does her laundry (laundry day follows the deathmatch).
  • Is paid in leftover cold popcorn, gets to boss goblins, and “takes payment in blood.”
  • Can talk to the living ship and make it move.
  • Has a pet gelatinous cube.
  • Stated: “Normally, I would reserve a specimen such as you for my army.”
  • Bet on Viago and placed “late fight wagers.”
  • Says there is a dentist on staff.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec).

  • Plays rock, paper, scissors with her goblins and cheats.
  • “I’ve lived many lives.” 13 is one of her favorite numbers.
  • Owns the Siren’s Nautilus.
  • Keeps metal chairs behind her throne. She broke one and needs to order more.
  • Can summon a moon as a spotlight, freeze the gelatinous cube by standing on it, and make a tornado by circling.
  • Believes getting hurt “is what makes you alive.”

Elusia’s goblins: at least eight, lined up to lose to her. One always picks rock.

The gelatinous cube: lives in the pit in the ship’s stomach. It is the Arbiter’s “pet,” and it ate Tetra’s body. The GM froze it briefly. Drew called it a “Bombastic gelatinous cube.”

The mummified sailors: the “somewhat living” bodies of people the ship swallowed, lining the stomach walls. One tried to grab Tetra.

The staff dentist: unnamed. Better at ripping teeth out; has made a few dentures. Replacement teeth are only for winners.

Places

Items

  • Metal chairs from behind the GM’s throne. One was thrown down; another became Viago’s collar.
  • The GM’s summoned spotlight moon.
  • Tetra’s quarterstaff and darts; Viago’s greataxe and skull helmet.
  • The bouncy-castle floor (a chaos event).
  • The GM’s popcorn.

Lore statements

  • The Arbiter keeps “specimens” (fallen champions) for “my army” (his own words, 1:53:34).
  • The ship is alive, and the Arbiter and the GM can direct it.
  • Champions who win can get replacement teeth from the staff dentist.
  • The fortress has no HR. The Arbiter is unpaid; the GM calls it “a partnership.”
  • The Arbiter rips warriors “from all space and time.”

Quotes by character

Viago

  • 0:05:08 “Viago here. I hear there’s some blood that needs to be shed. And I’m ready to do it in your honor.”
  • 0:05:35 “First off, I do it with a lot of rage… This is too much rock and roll for one hand.”
  • 0:10:02 “I know what kind of cat he is. He’s a copycat.”
  • 0:43:25 “I’m glad you think I was stupid. That was the idea. Now here comes the pain.”
  • 0:51:44 “Why don’t you stop playing around and fight me like a little kitty.”
  • 0:52:37 “I don’t want you to die too fast.”
  • 1:15:14 “See, these are real muscles. Those are pretend ones. Those are like fantasy ones.”
  • 1:17:15 “You think that’s acid? Try that.”
  • 1:21:45 “What do you wish, Grandmaster?”
  • 1:36:49 “You smell lovely.”
  • 1:44:40 “You understand why I wear the black pants now, right?”
  • 1:46:54 “You like it like that?” (tagged 00; context shows Viago)

Tetra Kincaid

  • 0:07:03 “My name is Tetra Kincaid, and I don’t need to do all the yelling and all of the bones. Disgusting… I like to just keep it simple and murder.”
  • 0:08:00 “Anything for someone so beautiful as you, my dear.”
  • 0:17:58 “I love killing these stupid canines.”
  • 0:25:16 “You’ve been a bad boy.”
  • 0:24:43 “Classic fight between the dexterous and the dumb.”
  • 0:41:12 “Oh, well, you are quite an asshole. Fine, I will stay here, but I’m not happy about it.”
  • 0:49:01 “Last time I tried to move, he was asshole. Last time I tried to hit him, he was asshole.”
  • 0:57:03 “Yes, I wear black because it is slimming. I don’t want to embarrass Big Tusk Man here.”
  • 1:27:40 “I come down with the fury of a thousand kittens.”
  • 1:42:27 “What is one life out of nine, right?”
  • 1:43:11 “Everyone wants to see it. He is shirtless. I am clearly a 10.”
  • 1:52:09 “Well, it was fun, but that is me and I go down.”

The Arbiter

  • 0:02:29 “Grandmaster, I think that what you’re experiencing is video delay.”
  • 0:03:18 “It is time for some people to die.”
  • 0:04:18 “I ripped the finest warriors from all space and time.”
  • 0:08:38 “The parking lot outside of Disney.”
  • 0:29:15 “This is becoming a hostile workplace, I think maybe I should talk to HR.”
  • 0:29:47 “I think that I’ll just take my payment in blood in round three.”
  • 0:45:35 “We do have a dentist on staff, but he’s more adept at ripping teeth out than putting them right.”
  • 0:50:49 “I promise you, you will see blood from Viago tonight.”
  • 1:00:34 “Grandmaster, someone at your station shouldn’t have to listen to lists.”
  • 1:10:59 “This is not really my type. Usually something less feline.”
  • 1:50:34 “If you’re going to die, maybe wait till the next round, because I’ve placed some late fight wagers.”
  • 1:53:34 “Normally, I would reserve a specimen such as you for my army. But in this case, my pet is hungry.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

  • 0:00:29 “I win every time. No one ever beats me at this. I’m the best there is in this entire fortress.”
  • 0:03:52 “If you tell me again it’s from like the 7-Eleven or TGI Fridays, I swear, I swear I’m going to be upset.”
  • 0:08:04 “The flattery will get you everywhere… especially here in this court.”
  • 0:11:38 “This ship is a living being that you are inside of… I use it to scour the seas and claim whatever happens to fall to its death.”
  • 0:12:31 “Be careful. This ship may bite back.”
  • 0:13:22 “Win their hearts and you might make it out alive.”
  • 0:29:20 “It’s really funny that you thought we had an HR, because we don’t.”
  • 0:37:24 “Think of this as a collar. If you can break free, perhaps you’re as wild as you deserve to be on this field.”
  • 0:49:53 “Getting hurt is part of it. That’s part of what makes you alive. That’s what makes you a champion.”
  • 0:53:15 “He even heals his opponent! This, this is the arrogance I love to see!”
  • 1:50:26 “Keep fighting. Keep your spirit. Demand respect. Even if you die, Tetra, keep your dignity.”
  • 1:55:41 “Viago, you have truly brought greatness to my field.”

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