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S3E8, The Gauntlet 2 - Floyd of the Pink & Luci v Hurdey & Gurdi

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tagsepisode, season-3

34 min read

Champions and playerscarefulcantrip (“Dave”) as Floyd of the Pink; mendarii as Luci; roberthartleygm (“Rob”) as Hurdey; deadaussiegamer (“Dag”/“Doug”) as Gurdi
Resultambiguous. Gurdi “technically” wins by touching the gold in death. Floyd claims the treasure, a golden body pillow. Floyd and Luci are the survivors.
Arenaa craft-built gauntlet map made by the Grandmaster in the Dread Fortress basement. It runs from a quaint tavern on a small island, to storm-broken docks and two ships, to a Kraken at sea, to a graveyard-and-temple island.
HostsCaustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer, the bartender, gauntlet narration); Mudcat (the Arbiter, rulings, the pirate captain, the Kraken, the skeletal minotaur)
WatchYouTube

What happens

Opening: the Grandmaster’s craft basement

  1. 0:00:54 The Arbiter clanks down the halls of the Dread Fortress with his chains dragging behind him, looking for the Grandmaster, “because she’s always running around doing weird shit.”
  2. 0:01:21 The craft project. From the lowest levels, below even the dungeon, come clanging, building and sawing. The whole basement is covered in craft supplies: tools, hammers, nails, glue guns, glitter. The Grandmaster holds pieces of felt and fabric. “It’s about time you got here. We’re trying to finish the last-minute touches of our freaking gauntlet.” She wanted “a really epic battle map.”
  3. 0:02:23 The Arbiter didn’t know there would be arts and crafts: “I thought it was just gonna be… they go, they fight, they die.” She has “built a special world for them.” Goblins drape purple satin over a giant map along the back wall. She keeps it secret so the champions must improvise: “This is going to be the battle map that will end all battle maps. Maybe.” A last bit of tiny gold glitter drops off the side.
  4. 0:03:57 The champions arrive. The Arbiter opens a portal, and fog, smoke and (inexplicably) laser lights pour out. He announces “Floyd of the Pink! With his partner, Luci!” and “Hurdey! With his faithful partner, Gurdey!”
  5. 0:04:42 Hurdey and Gurdi. Hurdey is a bipedal humanoid bear. A red bird, Gurdi, sits in his backpack and looks over his shoulder. Their first speech is unintelligible to the Arbiter (“I don’t speak whatever that was”). The Grandmaster reads it as “I’m here for victory and for death!” but missed the rest “because I was too slow at reading.” The red bird pops out: “Very well.”
  6. 0:06:16 Floyd’s introduction. “Fools! Are you not aware of the greatness of Great Mistress Luci? For she has found me on street corners for no more than fifty pence. Took me back and taught me everything she knows. You will bow before her before the night is through. So said Floyd of the Pinketh.” Why pink? “Because it is a very pretty color.”
  7. 0:06:54 The cape. The Grandmaster agrees it is gorgeous. A goblin drapes shimmering pink satin around Floyd’s shoulders as a cape and fastens it with a glue stick.
  8. 0:07:43 Luci. A satyr with pink-to-red hair, grayish-reddish skin and big jet-black antlers, in a chain mail shirt. She looks down her nose at everyone and says nothing. She rests a big maul on her shoulders and gives Floyd a little smirk.
  9. 0:08:57 “M’lady.” Floyd falls to his knees, “Blessings to the great mistress,” tips his nonexistent hat and says softly, “m’lady.” Arbiter: “Grandmaster, we got another one. Another m’ladyer.” GM: “Normally they wear fedoras, so they’re much easier to spot in the wild, but this one was hiding.” Arbiter: “Fedora in our hearts… One time someone told him to shove that fedora right up his ass and he did. It’s gone forever now.” GM: he “keeps it there in his safety pocket.”
  10. 0:10:04 The fedora burden. As fair warning to all, a goblin brings a sparkly glittery fedora, stacked three high, and puts it on Floyd’s head. It weighs about 10 pounds: “a little extra burden for you so that you may be aware of the burden you put on the rest of us every time you say m’lady.” Floyd is roughly 5’9½”.
  11. 0:11:14 The gift of speech. Hurdey and Gurdi appear to be choking. Gurdi rifles in the backpack for a super-large candy, pops one in his own mouth and wing-feeds one to Hurdey. “Oh, it seems to have given us the gift of speech… the locked words aren’t following us anymore.” “Strange words have always been a bane on my existence… For whom doth the word bite?”
  12. 0:12:13 Their first understandable threats: “Shall we tear their heads off and bathe in their blood? Oh, yes, and let’s lay eggs in their stomach. You’re going down. I’m gonna put my bear claw right through your eye socket.” Then: “I will find that fedora inside you.” Arbiter: “I’m not sure if it was better before or now.”

The tavern: Flippy Cup

  1. 0:13:22 A cool summer breeze comes through the portal. They arrive at a quaint, busy tavern on a small island, full of noise, drinking, laughter and music. A bartender works with his little apprentice kitty cat beside him. “Welcome! Are you travelers?” Hurdey/Gurdi: “We want the pop of murder!”
  2. 0:14:05 The bartender: “Murder may be on your way, but there’s adventure to be found as well… I’ve been talking with the Grandmaster, and we’ve set up a bit of adventure.” To get the map, each team must finish the drinking challenge. Teams sit at a north table and a south table, with five giant jugs each. The Grandmaster observes one team and the Arbiter flies over to the other (the south side: “I’m always on the south side, you know that.” GM: “You do like going down.”).
  3. 0:15:40 The bartender changes the game: “Let’s make this my old college game,” and brings out more cups. It becomes Flippy Cup: chug, then flip with sleight of hand. A failed flip costs the drinker a point of Constitution or Dexterity.
  4. 0:17:26 The toast. The Grandmaster raises a large chalice. The Arbiter: “It’s kind of hard to drink with these chains on. You mind taking them off?” GM: “Be stronger. This is a good strength exercise for you. Quit being a pansy.” “Worth a shot.”
  5. 0:17:51 The tavern ceiling is almost see-through, and the Acolytes cheer from the stands high above. GM: “To my acolytes, I have brought you a gauntlet that will test the very means of every part of their nature.” Devil horns go up and drinks are raised. Because the acolytes are cheering, she grants inspiration dice of d8, d6 and d4 for the first three drinks.
  6. 0:18:50 Setup. Hurdey chugs and Gurdi flips for him; Hurdey takes the consequences. Luci drinks (“I’m going to just shove it all down”) and Floyd flips (“I will flip for you, my lady, like I do on a regular basis.” “I don’t wanna know”).
  7. 0:21:08 The rounds.
    • Floyd’s first flip lands perfectly (“I’m done m’lady proud!”). Hurdey/Gurdi’s first also succeeds; the drink “tastes like honeycomb.”
    • On the second, Gurdi flips, slams it down, and does a wings-out backflip (acrobatics 16, landed). Gurdi dabs.
    • While drinking her third, Luci flips them off the entire time (“Flip the bird! Flip the bird!”).
    • Hurdey chugs two drinks at once. With the d8, the flip lands right on 17.
    • The fourth round is a success for both sides (“my fingers are very dexterous”).
  8. 0:25:07 The waterfall. Floyd rolls a nat 20 on the last flip and splashes the spilled drinks across to the other table. The wet table gives the other team disadvantage. Hurdey, oblivious, is balancing his pint glass on his head to tip it into his mouth. Gurdi’s flip fails. Hurdey loses a point of Dex. Someone cries “Ah, Butter Wings!” and the pair can’t stay mad at each other: “we can both stay mad at them! Let’s tear their head off!” (speaker split uncertain).
  9. 0:27:08 Luci makes a beeline for the bartender. He hands each team a rolled parchment sealed with a skull-and-crossbones wax symbol. Floyd: “Lady, this seems to be the work of pirates.”
  10. 0:27:51 The sneeze. As Gurdi hands the paper to Hurdey, he fake-sneezes (“ah, ah, ah”) a Burning Hands at their rivals’ map. Luci dodges (19). Hurdey/Gurdi: “They’re just awful this time of year… that’s because you picked up those phoenix feathers.”
  11. 0:28:49 Frostbite. Floyd pats Gurdi on the back, says Gesundheit, and casts Frostbite on him: “It’s all right, my friend. Allergies are horrible this time of year.” Gurdi fails: “Did someone leave a window open? I thought I felt a gentle breeze.”
  12. 0:30:11 A golden feather glow comes from Gurdi’s wings. He spreads them in front of both of them while Hurdey casts Absorb Elements. Hurdey makes a striking claw attack back, dealing Floyd’s own cold damage: “No hard feelings here.”
  13. 0:30:37 The Grandmaster intervenes. She slams her goblet down: “Enough of this! I gave you an adventure! Go on this! You will not wreak havoc in my adorable tavern!” The patrons are adorable; she built the map. Luci asks if she made all the little papier-mâché guys. “They all have personalities and ages and names… So don’t you dare hurt any of them or ruin their drinking time.” “They started. We’re sorry.” Hurdey runs outside.

Chaos event 1: pillows (0:31:20)

  1. The acolytes summon two chaotic events (“Chaos!”). Stepping outside, every weapon turns into the holder’s own sleeping pillow for two rounds. Pillows hit easily and deal “fluffy damage.” “No one’s resistant to fluffy damage.”
  2. 0:33:21 The pillows.
    • Hurdey’s claws go thick and fluffy. His pillow is a hibernation nest of moss and soft vegetation, and he can curl up on the backs of his hands.
    • Gurdi has a multicolored red, blue and purple down-feather pillow wedged onto the tip of his beak like a marshmallow, like a child-safety bumper, because he’s always bumping into things.
    • Luci has a Pillow Pet shaped like the Cult of the Lamb lamb, a little demonic goat-lamb. The GM adds glowing red eyes, which she uses as a flashlight for the bathroom at night. Luci is “hella infernal looking.”
    • Floyd’s scimitar grows to body length and becomes his favorite bedtime body pillow, showing a young girl with very large eyes and cat ears. Floyd’s face goes very red. GM: “Listen, we all love to snuggle with our favorite anime characters.”
  3. 0:36:08 They go down wooden stairs past a beautiful little orange tree to the docks. A storm has broken the bridge to the ships: “Good luck champions. May the race continue and may you be swift.”

Round 1: the docks

  1. 0:37:28 Luci goes first despite her −1 initiative. She runs to the middle of the bridge.
  2. 0:38:35 The knife seagulls. “Mine? Mine? Mine?” A “horde” of seagulls in tiny helmets, carrying knives in their talons, swoops in. The GM refuses to call them a flock. Luci takes a heavy slash. Floyd: “Not the murder seagulls. Vicious creatures with the large knife talons. Be careful of the rare switchblade variety.” One gull lands on a rock and flips a butterfly knife while making unending eye contact with Floyd. Arbiter: the others are behind him smoking cigarettes. Rob: a matching gull faces the other way, so it looks like two evil eyes.
  3. 0:40:46 Luci casts Hold Person on Gurdi. Gurdi fails, then claims a counterspell. Luci: “You can’t fail and then be like, this is a counter spell!” The Arbiter makes him roll sleight of hand to get it off in time, and he succeeds. The golden wings flare again for a moment of invulnerability. Arbiter: “It’s a good thing we’re at the beach because there’s enough salt for the fish and chips.”
  4. 0:42:46 Hurdey charges through the gulls with Gurdi’s head poking out of the backpack and gets slashed. Gurdi uses Mounted Combatant to take the hits instead. The GM gives Gurdi a bane for not listening to the pre-show (no hero points this time). Hurdey’s charging shove tries to knock Luci off the pier, but she wins the contest: “She’s got fucking goat feet. She just stands there and is like, I’m not moving, bitch.” The GM points out there are two ships. Hurdey moves to block Luci’s path anyway.
  5. 0:48:03 Floyd casts Hold Person on Hurdey; Hurdey counterspells with the gold wings. Floyd moves to the other dock and stares down the seagulls (“I’m watching you seagulls”). They respect him. They put the switchblades away, line up about ten strong like a choir, nod unblinkingly, cheer him on and bow (“They’re all like m’lady”). Floyd: “My stepfather was a seagull.” GM: “Must have been a gentleman.” The gulls won’t attack him.
  6. 0:50:44 Gurdi carries the bear. Gurdi swan-dives into the backpack. Two chicken-like feet pop out, flip them over so Gurdi is on the bottom and Hurdey on top, and run so fast the wood starts to burn. Then Gurdi (a monk) walks across the water carrying Hurdey. They checked his carrying capacity against a bear’s weight in advance. GM: “Is it rude to ask how heavy you are, Hurdey?” “Very rude. I don’t ask you your age, Grandmaster.”
  7. 0:52:52 Disengaging, Gurdi squawks to the birds: “At ease, my avian allies. We ask for your aid against these egg-eating motherpluckers before they eat your eggs.” The gulls are already neutral.
  8. 0:53:44 The captain now. Gurdi does a double, then triple, flip onto the deck and descends slowly with his wings up. “Look at me, look at me, I am the captain now.” The bartender comes out and holds up a 10 out of 10. With the bane, Gurdi can’t budge the anchor. He tries biting the metal chain; the GM says he’d break all his teeth.
  9. 0:56:21 The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is a 4. GM: “Doug doesn’t even care. He just laughs at you in a little pug chuckle.”

Chaos event 2: the golden butterfly (0:56:21)

  1. From behind the trees by the tavern comes a huge golden butterfly that sparkles and leaves a trail of glitter. It’s fragile in nature but massive, and its shadow is big enough to hide under. It comes if called (a free action). On the map it’s “a pink square, but pretend it’s a butterfly.”

Round 2: the ship swap

  1. 0:58:02 Luci backs up, sprints, jumps onto a rope and mirthful-leaps over to Floyd’s dock “like a gazelle leaping over the plains.” She gives Floyd a knowing look (“Are you ready?”) and holds her move. She summons a spiritual weapon onto the rivals’ boat. Gurdi redirects it to himself and takes a crushing critical: “I regret nothing.”
  2. 1:02:27 Hurdey steals their boat. Hurdey leaves the stuck anchor: “They can come and get this one.” He plucks one of Gurdi’s red feathers, which sparkles and jolts Gurdi, and casts Haste. He jumps the 10-ft gap onto Floyd and Luci’s ship, raises its anchor and sets the sails. At the helm he flips Gurdi upside down so Gurdi can flip them the bird, then puts him back.
  3. 1:05:00 The pirate captain and the map. A one-eyed pirate captain is already at the wheel: “Oh, hey, we’re going here… Yeah, I can get you there.” Inside the map are three lines, two of them blurred. The first reads: “For those who hunger for gold, your feet must touch the land of dead and bold.” The ship pulls out.
  4. 1:06:35 Floyd and the hooves. Floyd rushes in front of Luci and bows: “My lady. Only the greatest of fans are worthy of these hooves. This trivial water in front of us is no longer worthy.” He casts Water Walk. He sees the butterfly: “The greatest weebs of house Tumblr spoke of giant butterflies.” Luci pushes his face out of the way and walks off across the water toward the boat.
  5. 1:07:38 Butterfly kisses. Floyd sings to the butterfly in a warm tone. It comes down and gives him butterfly kisses (“Like dad”), granting temporary hit points. “I love butterfly kisses.” GM: “Was your dad a butterfly and your stepdad a seagull?” Floyd: “It was complicated. My mother was… friendly. Very friendly, apparently.”
  6. 1:08:09 The seagull war. Floyd calls his “good friends, the Knife Seagulls”: “Brothers, I beg of you, your aid. Do you see that other strange looking bird over there? No, no, not the bear, the other one. Get them, my champions.” Hurdey and Gurdi counter like air traffic control, with Gurdi waving his wings while Hurdey talks: “I had chicken for breakfast. I’m going to have turkey for dinner, but I’m happy to swap that out for seagull if you get any closer.” The GM turns that into intimidation, and Floyd wins by one. The gulls dive at Hurdey and Gurdi, but Hurdey has evasion through Gurdi, and they take nothing. Floyd boards the remaining ship, which is still anchored.
  7. 1:11:46 The table jokes about the “circle of friendship/trust” when Floyd accidentally draws a circle on the map (table talk).
  8. 1:12:31 The Kraken. Near the island, the water ripples, and giant tentacles burst up around the boats. A Kraken roars (“I haven’t met a Kraken in person yet”). Harpoon guns on the boats can spear the tentacles and reel them in. The pillows turn back into weapons.
  9. 1:14:21 The egg barrage. Gurdi’s butt pops out of the backpack and he fires flaming eggs (Ancient Way of the Egg) at a tentacle. All four hit and explode in big flaming yolks. The Kraken roars (“I don’t like that!”). Arbiter: “I don’t want to hear anything the next time I make dragon sounds.” GM: “The sound is traveling underwater.”
  10. 1:17:24 The GM has been staring at a lot of water and needs the bathroom, so they take a break (cut).

Round 3: kelp, fire and Clanky

  1. 1:17:44 Luci hauls up the anchor and the second captain sails them out. Floyd’s fedora grows two pounds heavier for the earlier m’lady: “Oh! My neck! It’s gonna be horrible for my beard.” Luci moves the spiritual weapon to a tentacle and hits for max damage.
  2. 1:21:23 The golden ward. With his hasted action, Hurdey spends five of his golden feathers to give Gurdi a protective ward. He harpoons a tentacle and obliterates it: “you slice it in half and pieces of it go everywhere. Suction cups litter the floor of your deck.”
  3. 1:23:15 Clanky. Hurdey looks overboard: “Clanky, remember that time we helped you out? Now it’s time to return the favor.” A metal construct shark rises behind a tentacle. It has a golden tooth and, for some reason, a blowhole (“because it’s poorly designed”). It’s actually only medium-sized. Both its bites miss. It does “that shark thing where its nose is right up against the tentacle, but its mouth is doing this.”
  4. 1:26:06 The kelp garden. Floyd strides to the starboard side (“Yes, I am very nautical and awesome at the same time”). He casts Plant Growth under the rival ship. Rob points out that they’re actually on Floyd’s port side. A massive underwater kelp bush slows the rivals’ ship and blocks their forward harpoon shots. GM: “Just go trim the bushes.”
  5. 1:28:23 Boo-woo. At the prow, Floyd calls: “Lord of all tentacles, hear my prayers. Those who try and attack you will do you harm… And in so, I speak the great word, boo-woo. Boo-woo.” He fails. The Kraken turns her gaze directly on his ship, unhappy. “She’s no lord, but ruler of the ocean.” “I should have known better.”
  6. 1:29:43 Burning sails. For the first time today, Gurdi flies out of the backpack in an eruption of red feathers. He fires a flaming egg into Floyd and Luci’s sails, which go up “like they’re made of gasoline.” Their ship slows and trails smoke. Gurdi: “Sticks and stones will break your bones, but bird eggs will bloody burn ya!” (transcribed as “Drops and stones”). Then he fly-by-bombs the tentacles Clanky is chewing, “like the Valkyrie,” and dives back to the deck. The rival ship is still caught in the kelp.
  7. 1:32:17 The Kraken slam. The Kraken rears and slams tentacles down on both ships. Gurdi dodges, and evasion shields both bird and bear. The others are hit hard.
  8. 1:33:42 The crop-dusting. The butterfly notices that three of them never called to it. “You are now going to experience the butt in Butterfly”: it crop-dusts Hurdey, Gurdi and Luci. They all save, but their noses burn and they can taste “clearly what this butterfly has been eating.” Then it flies off.

Round 4: reaching the island

  1. 1:35:07 Luci, “demonic ass looking satyr with fire behind me,” learns the island is 60 ft away past a Kraken with ten tentacles, spaced 10–15 ft apart. She mirthful-leaps off a plank moved to the prow, flies about 20 ft in an arc, lands water-walking and dodges. A tentacle slaps the water and misses: “It just looks like it’s playing in the water.”
  2. 1:40:13 Rob slips and refers to himself as “Banjo.” The table chants “Ope!”
  3. 1:41:35 Lethargy. Hurdey realizes Haste and Summon Construct both need concentration. Haste ends and lethargy hits him. He quickens a Dimension Door to the island, flavored as: “Gurdi, I’m feeling a little stunned.” Gurdi’s legs run up the much-too-steep netting to a little red platform with a red symbol, then they jump off and “fly” to the island.
  4. 1:42:37 Floyd is alone on a burning boat. He looks at his mistress in amazement: “It is true what they say. It is not about the mirth, but the motion in the ocean.” He uses Hidden Paths to teleport 60 ft to the island. Then he casts Control Winds to drive “Hurdle and Gurdle” down into the Kraken’s waters. Hurdey: “My name is Hurdy Gurdy and you’re not going to do shit.” He counterspells it at 5th level. He knew the spell’s level because he has it prepared himself.
  5. 1:45:21 Everyone reaches the island, where a different boat is already beached.

The island: the riddles

  1. 1:45:37 Second clue: “The dead miss their tunes. Sing them a song with twos to find your next clue.” Wisdom saves; at least one on each team passes. Both members of a team must sing the same song.
  2. 1:46:24 The duet. Hurdey and Gurdi are both proficient in the hurdy-gurdy. They swap to a four-stringed, long-necked instrument with a round, vellum-skinned body. Gurdi tunes his (“ding ding ding…”) and they scat at length. Floyd objects that he heard no singing. “Scatting is singing.” They only made the sounds while moving the instruments: “we can’t play instruments.” The performance succeeds.
  3. 1:48:44 The anthem. Floyd: “Are you ready, mistress? We’ve practiced long and hard.” Luci puts her arm around his shoulders and they sway. Floyd sings “Oh, say can you see?” and Luci answers “By the dawn’s early light.” Their performance succeeds too.
  4. 1:49:38 From now on, teams act together on one initiative. Hurdey and Gurdi roll a nat 1: “You’re way too busy focusing on your music.” They lose a round, so Floyd and Luci get two turns first. “Are you rushing or are you dragging?… Not quite my tempo.”
  5. 1:50:43 Final clue: “You may only have one treasure at a time, so you must give the heart of your ally as a fine. Burn their passion and you will find the treasure you seek in kind.” Hurdey: “I think we have to kill each other.”
  6. 1:51:28 The island. It has lots of sand, small seagulls, a bird, a hawk and a few monkeys. An old graveyard with scattered bones leads up to a temple flanked by two giant but low pillars, each with a platform marked with a scale.
  7. 1:52:16 Floyd and Luci dash up to the pillars (“we shall move together the swiftness of the bond that we share.” “What?”).
  8. 1:53:12 The minotaur. The Arbiter rolls a nat 20 (“Did we just get laid? Or murdered?” “It depends on what you’re into”). He raises a hand toward the graveyard, and the skeleton of a dead minotaur bursts out of the sand with a large axe. It hits Floyd hard. Arbiter: “Welcome to the Thunderdome.”
  9. 1:56:09 The waifu sacrifice. Luci: “I would like to take Floyd’s body pillow. I would like to cut it open and set it on fire on one of the pillars.” Floyd: “If mistress wants this, then mistress wants this.” A single anime tear rolls down his cheek. Luci finally swings her “big boy maul” and hits the minotaur twice; bones crack and crumble.
  10. 1:59:13 She lit the pillow with her tinderbox, candles and incense, because she’s “technically a religious person.” As it burns, the waifu seems to become animated for a moment and a tear drops from her face. Then: ash. Nothing happens. “She burned my waifu pillow for nothing?” Luci: “Wildly unfortunate. Well, I guess you know what we gotta do, bud.”
  11. 2:00:22 In rage over losing his waifu, Floyd grabs the undead minotaur’s wrist and casts Inflict Wounds. The bones go brittle, and blood splatters from the skeleton (“The blood is in the bones.” “Don’t ask questions”).
  12. 2:01:26 The sandworms. Floyd hunts for bugs and finds two sandworms: mealworm-like, hard-shelled, with a hundred legs (“I guess I’m describing a centipede to you.” “It may look like a centipede, we call it a sandworm”). He casts Giant Insect on them. One misses the minotaur. The other lands a weak hit that “goes up and tickles the bones… tap, tap, tap.” It then moves halfway toward Hurdey and Gurdi and lies in wait.
  13. 2:04:57 Beak Buster. “It’s okay. We’ll practice later in rehearsal.” A giant green circle with chicken legs drawn on it appears in front of Hurdey. He jumps on it, Gurdi’s legs spring them high (Jump), and they come down in the middle of the group. Gurdi’s beak slams into the ground with a thunderclap (Beak Buster). It’s loud but weak, and everyone saves (“Wow, oh no, you potato”). Luci: “For a sorcerer? You fucking weirdo.” Rob: “I’m not playing a sorcerer. I’m playing Hurdey.”
  14. 2:07:14 The heart burned. Gurdi shakes his beak and launches an egg from his cloaca straight up. It catches the wind, veers back and hits Hurdey “straight in the heart.” Gurdi channels it into a Burning Hands that engulfs Hurdey, the minotaur, Floyd and the sandworm. Hurdey: “Is this because I keep using your head to pound the ground?” Gurdi: “That’s because you said you didn’t like my music.” “Bird brain.” Hurdey willingly takes the full blast. Floyd: “You know what they say, there’s no fire in team.” GM: “What fortune cookie did you open up?”
  15. 2:10:36 Hurdey’s death. “Oh, this is more painful than anything I’ve ever felt.” The GM asks him to describe his death. Everything goes quiet in his mind. A slow, serene fire burns, and the crackling throws sparks that become little musical notes with faces. They smile, dance and bounce around his head like cartoon birds. He looks up at them: “Well, I guess I’m not going to be in the sequel.” Then he hits the ground.
  16. 2:11:57 A sad tear drops from the acolytes high above, almost like rain, mourning his death. His heart is completely disintegrated. Only Gurdi can see the two chests that now appear behind their enemies. “Chests can be dangerous. So choose carefully.”
  17. 2:12:42 The breathing chest. Gurdi studies them closely. The one on the right is very slightly breathing; its lid rises a centimeter and falls. To avoid Luci’s opportunity attack, he moves around her and grabs the chest that isn’t breathing.
  18. 2:15:29 Mimics. It’s a mimic. “The one that was breathing is a baby mimic, because it doesn’t know how to hold its breath as well.” It has a little pacifier in its mouth, with odd-angled teeth around it. Dag adds that the pacifier “is also a tinier baby mimic.” Gurdi, flustered, cries “ow!” as the big mimic’s tongue lashes and misses. He slaps the mimics aside and sees something shiny and gold underneath them: “As long as you touch it, you claim it.”
  19. 2:17:42 Rob asks whether Floyd’s head is on the ground yet from the fedora. Floyd: “It is 16 pounds tall. No fedora could ever hold me down.”
  20. 2:19:20 The foster attempt. Only Hurdey’s feet and fingertips remain. Floyd takes one of Hurdey’s feet, kneels and offers it to the baby mimic: “It’s okay. You’re okay.” It eats the foot. With his poor roll, “now it knows you are food. Food comes from you.” It eyes his feet (“there’s no meat on these feet… very tiny feet”). Floyd: “Listen, I can foster a mimic, okay? I’ll fill out the paperwork.”
  21. 2:21:24 The nipple. The acolytes scream “breastfeed it.” Floyd, already shirtless: “I will suckle it to my bosom.” The mimic crits, biting his nipple for piercing and acid damage. “My nipple is gone! I needed that nipple!… This is what I get, Acolytes, for trying to spread my love.” GM: “Don’t shove your nipple in random animals’ faces.”
  22. 2:22:38 Luci finishes it. Luci and the minotaur just watch: “huh, that was something.” Luci, re Floyd: “Hey, you paid 50 cents for this show, okay? Listen, he’s a cheap fighter.” She runs at Gurdi and swings her maul at his beak with a Divine Smite. Hurdey’s golden-feather ward absorbs most of it. Her second swing and last smite drop him: “That’s what I built this lady for.” Gurdi: “No, no, I’m not, because I’m a chicken. And not a coward like some people.”
  23. 2:27:05 Gurdi’s death. The smite knocks Gurdi flying into the big mimic’s mouth, where he is chomped and torn apart. But one of his wings snaps off, floats to the ground and touches the gold beneath the mimic, which only he could see.
  24. 2:27:55 The ruling. GM: “Technically, as you have touched the chest first in your moment of death, you have won. Your soul and Hurdey’s soul will be at rest. However, the treasure of the inside of that chest will not belong to you.” The mimics, full from the nipple and from Gurdi, wander off. The golden chest opens, pushing Gurdi’s wing aside.
  25. 2:28:42 The treasure. A golden long body pillow showing a beautiful figure with adorable ears and a tail. The tail is separate and wraps around you while you hold the pillow. Floyd: “Something, something, the friends we’ve won along the way bullshit. Body pillow’s mine.”
  26. 2:29:17 Sign-off. GM: “So ends our gauntlet. Blood has been shed. We have pushed ourselves to the ultimate limit. And even in death, have we found ourselves still going that extra mile. Remember my acolytes, never give up. May you remember the lessons you’ve learned here at the Dread Fortress. Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch.” A long scream follows.

Who and what appears

Characters

Floyd of the Pink / “of the Pinketh” (carefulcantrip)

  • Luci’s devoted servant; calls her “my lady,” “mistress,” “Great Mistress Luci.”
  • She found him on street corners for fifty pence. He’s about 5’9½”, has a beard and goes shirtless.
  • A “m’ladyer.” He now wears the Grandmaster’s glued-on pink satin cape and a triple-stacked glittery fedora that grows two pounds per “m’lady” (10 lb, then 12; he claims 16).
  • Family: his stepfather was a seagull; his father was perhaps a butterfly (“It was complicated”); his mother was “very friendly.”
  • His favorite bedtime pillow is an anime cat-eared girl body pillow (his “waifu”). Luci burned it.
  • Befriended the knife seagulls. Tried to foster a baby mimic and lost a nipple to it.
  • Spells used: Frostbite, Hold Person, Water Walk, Plant Growth, Hidden Paths, Control Winds, Inflict Wounds, Giant Insect.
  • Survived. Claims the golden body pillow.

Luci (mendarii)

  • A satyr: pink-to-red hair, grayish-reddish skin, jet-black antlers, chain mail shirt, a big maul. “Hella infernal looking.”
  • Mostly silent and haughty. A paladin (“technically a religious person”), with a tinderbox, candles and incense.
  • Has mirthful leaps and goat feet (“I’m not moving, bitch”).
  • Her pillow is a demonic goat-lamb Pillow Pet with glowing red eyes.
  • Burned Floyd’s waifu pillow. Killed Gurdi with two smites. Survived.

Hurdey (roberthartleygm)

  • A bipedal humanoid bear who carries Gurdi in his backpack. At first he spoke an unintelligible language, until the candy gave him “the gift of speech.”
  • Proficient in the hurdy-gurdy and in animal handling (taken because he handles a bird).
  • Uses golden feathers (invulnerability flashes, a ward) and red feathers (Haste).
  • Once helped Clanky the construct shark, who owed him a favor.
  • Dex lowered by the Flippy Cup loss. “Not playing a sorcerer. I’m playing Hurdey.”
  • Killed by Gurdi’s egg and burning hands, a heart burned to fulfil the riddle. “Not going to be in the sequel.”

Gurdi (deadaussiegamer)

  • A red bird who lives in Hurdey’s backpack. A monk: walks on water, has evasion, fires flaming eggs from his cloaca, does Beak Buster.
  • Can sprout chicken-like legs and carry the bear (Strength 18). Has Mounted Combatant and takes hits for Hurdey.
  • Dabs, backflips, “I am the captain now.”
  • Killed by Luci. Swallowed by the mimic, but his wing touched the gold first, so he “technically” won.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec)

  • Built the gauntlet map herself as a giant craft project in the Dread Fortress basement, with goblin helpers.
  • Made the tavern’s papier-mâché patrons, who all have names, ages and personalities.
  • Gave Floyd the cape and fedora. Refused to remove the Arbiter’s chains.

The Arbiter (Drew)

  • Wears chains in this episode; he asked to have them taken off to drink and was refused.
  • Raised the skeletal minotaur with a nat 20.

Doug: a pug who laughs at the Arbiter’s bad roll with “a little pug chuckle” (0:56:21). Whether he is in-world is unclear.

The bartender (Bec): runs the island tavern with his little apprentice kitty cat. Works with the Grandmaster, calls Flippy Cup “my old college game,” and scores Gurdi’s landing 10/10.

The one-eyed pirate captain (Drew): already at the wheel of the ship Hurdey steals. A second captain sails Floyd and Luci’s ship (unnamed).

Clanky: a medium metal construct shark with a golden tooth and a blowhole, summoned by Hurdey.

The knife seagulls: a “horde” in tiny helmets with knives and switchblades in their talons. They respected Floyd and fought for him.

The golden butterfly: massive, glittering and fragile. Gives butterfly kisses (temporary HP) and crop-dusts anyone who ignored it.

The Kraken: called “she” and “ruler of the ocean,” with ten tentacles. Blocked the way to the island.

The skeletal minotaur: raised by the Arbiter from the graveyard sand. It bleeds from its bones.

The sandworms: hundred-legged, centipede-like island creatures; two were made giant by Floyd.

The mimic and the baby mimic (the baby has a pacifier). They ate Hurdey’s foot, Floyd’s nipple and Gurdi.

The witch (backwards name, uncertain): heard laughing at Floyd.

Places

Items

  • Floyd’s pink satin cape and stacked glitter fedora.
  • The super-large candy, which grants speech.
  • The skull-and-crossbones-sealed parchment maps with their three-line riddle.
  • The pillows from chaos event 1.
  • Harpoon guns.
  • The golden body pillow with a separate wrap-around tail (the treasure).
  • Hurdey’s golden and red feathers, and the vellum-skinned four-string instrument.

Lore statements

  • The Grandmaster can build a “special world” for a gauntlet by hand. Its inhabitants have names and personalities.
  • The Arbiter is in chains at this time.
  • The acolytes watch from stands visible through the tavern’s see-through ceiling and can summon chaos events. Their tears fell like rain at Hurdey’s death.
  • Gauntlet rule as ruled: touching the treasure first, even in death, means you “technically” win and your soul is at rest, but the prize doesn’t go to you.

Quotes by character

Floyd of the Pink

  • 0:06:16 “Fools! Are you not aware of the greatness of Great Mistress Luci? For she has found me on street corners for no more than fifty pence… So said Floyd of the Pinketh.”
  • 0:06:46 “Because it is a very pretty color.”
  • 0:08:57 “Blessings to the great mistress… m’lady.”
  • 0:28:49 “It’s all right, my friend. Allergies are horrible this time of year.”
  • 0:39:54 “Not the murder seagulls… Be careful of the rare switchblade variety.”
  • 0:50:21 “My stepfather was a seagull.”
  • 1:06:35 “Only the greatest of fans are worthy of these hooves.”
  • 1:28:23 “Lord of all tentacles, hear my prayers… I speak the great word, boo-woo.”
  • 1:42:50 “It is not about the mirth, but the motion in the ocean.”
  • 2:20:30 “Listen, I can foster a mimic, okay? I’ll fill out the paperwork.”
  • 2:21:46 “My nipple is gone! I needed that nipple!”
  • 2:29:07 “Something, something, the friends we’ve won along the way bullshit. Body pillow’s mine.”

Luci

  • 0:59:08 “Are you ready?”
  • 1:49:14 “By the dawn’s early light.”
  • 2:00:06 “Wildly unfortunate. Well, I guess you know what we gotta do, bud.”
  • 2:22:44 “Hey, you paid 50 cents for this show, okay? Listen, he’s a cheap fighter.”

Hurdey (Rob; 01-labelled lines speaker uncertain between Hurdey and Gurdi)

  • 0:12:13 “Shall we tear their heads off and bathe in their blood?… I’m gonna put my bear claw right through your eye socket.” (01)
  • 0:12:48 “I will find that fedora inside you.” (01)
  • 0:52:40 “Very rude. I don’t ask you your age, Grandmaster.” (01)
  • 1:09:52 “I’m going to have turkey for dinner, but I’m happy to swap that out for seagull if you get any closer.”
  • 1:23:15 “Clanky, remember that time we helped you out? Now it’s time to return the favor.”
  • 1:44:08 “My name is Hurdy Gurdy and you’re not going to do shit.”
  • 1:51:14 “I think we have to kill each other.”
  • 2:10:50 “Oh, this is more painful than anything I’ve ever felt.” (01)
  • 2:11:05 “Well, I guess I’m not going to be in the sequel.”

Gurdi (Dag; 01-labelled lines speaker uncertain)

  • 0:12:04 “Oh, it seems to have given us the gift of speech.” (01)
  • 0:53:01 “At ease, my avian allies. We ask for your aid against these egg-eating motherpluckers before they eat your eggs.” (01)
  • 0:54:38 “Look at me, look at me, I am the captain now.” (01)
  • 1:31:01 “Drops [sticks?] and stones will break your bones, but bird eggs will bloody burn ya!” (01)
  • 2:08:38 “That’s because you said you didn’t like my music.”
  • 2:26:39 “No, no, I’m not, because I’m a chicken. And not a coward like some people.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

  • 0:01:21 “It’s about time you got here. We’re trying to finish the last-minute touches of our freaking gauntlet, and you’ve been where?”
  • 0:02:42 “This is going to be the battle map that will end all battle maps. Maybe.”
  • 0:10:39 “A little extra burden for you so that you may be aware of the burden you put on the rest of us every time you say m’lady.”
  • 0:17:38 “Be stronger. This is a good strength exercise for you. Quit being a pansy.”
  • 0:17:51 “To my acolytes, I have brought you a gauntlet that will test the very means of every part of their nature.”
  • 0:30:37 “Enough of this! I gave you an adventure! Go on this! You will not wreak havoc in my adorable tavern!”
  • 0:36:08 “Listen, we all love to snuggle with our favorite anime characters.”
  • 1:08:06 “Was your dad a butterfly and your stepdad a seagull?”
  • 1:34:03 “You are now going to experience the butt in Butterfly.”
  • 2:22:25 “Don’t shove your nipple in random animals’ faces.”
  • 2:27:55 “Technically, as you have touched the chest first in your moment of death, you have won… However, the treasure of the inside of that chest will not belong to you.”
  • 2:29:17 “Remember my acolytes, never give up. May you remember the lessons you’ve learned here at the Dread Fortress.”

The Arbiter

  • 0:02:23 “I thought it was just gonna be, you know, kind of like, they go, they fight, they die, but this seems like a little bit extra.”
  • 0:09:14 “Grandmaster, we got another one. Another m’ladyer.”
  • 0:09:42 “Perhaps we have judged him unfairly. Fedora in our hearts.”
  • 0:09:58 “One time someone told him to shove that fedora right up his ass and he did. It’s gone forever now.”
  • 0:15:18 “I’m always on the south side, you know that.”
  • 0:17:28 “It’s kind of hard to drink with these chains on. You mind taking them off?”
  • 1:54:35 “Welcome to the Thunderdome.”

The bartender (Bec)

  • 0:13:22 “Welcome! Are you travelers?”
  • 0:14:05 “Murder may be on your way, but there’s adventure to be found as well… I’ve been talking with the Grandmaster.”
  • 0:15:40 “Let’s make this my old college game… We’ll turn this into Flippy Cup.”

The one-eyed pirate captain (Drew)

  • 1:05:00 “Oh, hey, we’re going here… Yeah, I can get you there.”

Canon notes

  • Winner: whoever didn’t die wins, so Floyd of the Pink & Luci. By the rules Hurdey & Gurdi won, but “we cheat all the time.”
  • The witch’s name is unknown; leave as heard.

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