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S4E6 — The Hunt — Witch Hunter v Grickle

Properties1
tagsepisode, season-4

35 min read

Champions and playersnat1fun (Dan) as Grickle; That_DeAngelo (D’Angelo) as Witch Hunter (real name Ricardo)
ResultGrickle outlasts Witch Hunter, who drowns under the ice. The Shadow King then crushes Grickle with a giant black boot, so both champions die.
Arenathe Frozen Lake (an icy tundra miles from anything, with something moving beneath the ice)
HostsCaustic Phoenix (Elusia, the Grandmaster “but only a name”) and Mudcat (the Shadow King, narration and mechanics)
WatchYouTube

What happens

Opening — goblin bowling in the Shadow King’s throne room

  1. 0:00:44 — Elusia in the hallways. The Acolytes take their seats through portals across the Void. In the Dread Fortress, Elusia, “the Grandmaster, but only a name,” walks the hallways. Her heels are no longer the loudest sound. A loud cackle of a scream comes from the Shadow King’s throne room. She kicks down the dusty old doors.
  2. 0:01:51 — The bowling. At the far end of a long rug, a row of small, shaking goblins stands perfectly still. The Shadow King rolls a large bowling ball into them and knocks half of them down. Elusia runs in and starts setting Henry and Lucy and the others back up. The Shadow King: “I need to practice. I have a big tournament this weekend.”
  3. 0:02:17 Elusia says they’re “not even the right color” for bowling pins. He snaps his fingers and a goblin walks in with a bucket of paint. “What are they good for?”
  4. 0:02:37 She needed the goblins hours ago to get the Acolytes here and to prep the arena. She claps her hands. The goblins, “as if they were holding their breath,” scatter to their jobs. The Shadow King: “Their weight was all off anyways.”
  5. 0:03:03 — Elusia is fraying. Her hair has begun to fall out in little patches. Her left eye twitches a little more every time she has to deal with the Shadow King. She reminds him there is a Deathmatch every Sunday evening. He: “Well, there’s only 10 of them. I figured you could spare a few.” She: “Fortunately, you’re not very good at bowling and didn’t get any spares.” She tells him to “be a good, lazy king” and promises two champions; he can throw bowling balls at them if he likes. He sits on the throne: “Next time, lead with the good part.”
  6. 0:04:09 — The blood summoning. Elusia grasps the amulet around her neck. Its sharp edges cut into her hands, which bear many scars from summoning this way. Blood trickles down and a bright orange portal opens.

The champions

  1. 0:04:44 — Witch Hunter arrives. “Good to see everyone. Is this the bathroom?” Elusia told him to go before; she sends him to a corner. Witch Hunter: “It’s your fault you don’t have centaur accessibility in your building.” The Shadow King: “I’ve been telling her.” Elusia tells him to put it on his feedback form, which will be “filed along with HR, as with all paperwork, definitely read and never burned.” Shadow King: “And I definitely didn’t kill HR last week.”
  2. 0:05:31 — Grickle arrives. “Where am I? Is this the thing? This is the thing.” Witch Hunter: “Oh my god, you have a dump truck for a thorax.” Grickle: “You will live to regret that” (he fumbles it: “You will have to regret that… Well, I said won’t”).
  3. 0:06:03 — Maliki. Witch Hunter: “Has anyone ever took a moment to talk to you about our lord and savior, Maliki?” He pulls out a pamphlet. Grickle: “Get that out of my face!” “It’s fine, I have more.”
  4. 0:06:15 — Grickle’s display. His shiny carapace turns dull gray as his surroundings shift. A cape billows out from his shell and his wings spread for a moment.
  5. 0:06:38 — The marigolds. Witch Hunter: “When I find someone attractive, flowers bloom on me, and flowers are blooming.” Grickle: “I don’t understand what you talk about.” Elusia calls it a perfect match: “One who is ready to fight and hates the other, and the other loving the one who hates them.”
  6. 0:07:17 Elusia plucks a flower off Witch Hunter. It’s a marigold. She sniffs it and hands it to Henry the goblin, whose legs and shins are bruised from the bowling ball. Both champions give the Shadow King a thumbs up.
  7. 0:08:17 — To the arena. Elusia grips the amulet again. A blue portal opens. Witch Hunter: “Centaurs first.” He trots in.

The arena — the Frozen Lake

  1. 0:08:24 It is a tundra miles from anything else. The cold wind rips across their skin, and Grickle’s “outer shell. Carapace!” (Drew: “Carapace is a simple word.”) Elusia: “Carapaces don’t have… goosebumps.”
  2. 0:09:04 Elusia asks whether thri-kreen have eyelids. Grickle: “No.” So the wind pulls the moisture from his eyes and he cries as if something sad and awful has happened, yet stands bold.
  3. 0:09:21 Elusia: “I welcome you. To the frozen lake. It’s not creatively named, you know, after a while we just got tired with things.” Something is moving deep beneath the ice. “I want you to make sure that this landscape is painted in red.”
  4. 0:09:33 She opens her wings. The gust is so fierce that Witch Hunter has to stake his spear into the ground. She flies up, and where the sky should be, the Acolytes sit high above in a coliseum, cheering and screaming.

Chaos event 1 — “a cool ride, bruh” (0:10:25)

  1. A magical horse appears beneath each champion and attunes to them. It can shape into any beast they choose. Witch Hunter: “Technically this is my cousin.” Elusia: “You should not be riding your cousin.” Shadow King: “It’s okay, there’s no state laws here.”
  2. 0:11:35 — Bruce. Witch Hunter chooses a human: a naked 43-year-old with a dad bod and a very bushy mustache, friendly-looking, and big enough on all fours that the centaur’s hooves don’t touch the ground. He’s “like the people on TikTok that train to walk on all fours.” He names him Bruce.
  3. 0:12:28 — The beetle. Grickle rides a giant rhinoceros beetle, “the one with a giant nose.” It is not a dung beetle, though Elusia defends dung beetles: “They have jobs.” He names it Gricklebackackack(ack). The Shadow King: “That’s your name… Three gecks.” Witch Hunter: “So foreign and exotic, I love it… I don’t see a ring.”
  4. 0:14:05 Shadow King: “Interesting start before the match has even begun… Acolytes, are you ready to see some blood?” The crowd spills beers and punches each other.

Round 1

  1. 0:14:41 — Initiative. Witch Hunter rolls 18. Grickle rolls a natural 20. Bec: “Wait, aren’t you nat1fun? … This is not on brand. You have to roll again.” He still goes first.
  2. 0:15:16 Grickle: “Now you see me?” He makes the beetle’s wings open and flutter and hides behind them. His stealth is 26. Witch Hunter’s perception is 8: “He didn’t bring his glasses.” Elusia: he’s entranced by Grickle’s jaw. Witch Hunter: “His wings are so strong.” Grickle vanishes behind the wings “like a magician.”
  3. 0:17:51 — Scimitars from the wings. The beetle closes to 5 ft. The first scimitar misses Witch Hunter’s AC 18. Then the wings part and two scimitars come flying straight out of them: a hit with sneak attack (Drew counts the mount as an ally), 21 damage. Grickle has the Mobile feat, so he hops back onto the beetle and scatters 35 ft across the ice without an opportunity attack.
  4. 0:19:51 — “Grickle the Gek Gek Gek.” Bec keeps mangling the mount’s name. Drew: “It’s Grickle the Gek Gek Gek, I don’t understand why you’re so, why is it so difficult for you?”
  5. 0:20:33 Witch Hunter: “You got blood all over my mouth.” Grickle: “Naked Bruce.” Witch Hunter: “Blood all in his butt cheeks.”
  6. 0:20:39 — The paladin and the rogue. Witch Hunter “did play an unhealthy amount of World of Warcraft. So I, as a paladin, know very well how it is to fight a rogue.” Elusia: “I’m also imagining this is canon that your character played WoW.” Witch Hunter: “We play humans in households.” Elusia: “Wait, that’s called Sims.”
  7. 0:21:36 — Bruce away! “Oh, you slippery devil, you, try this on for size.” Witch Hunter slaps Bruce’s butt cheeks. They “shake and jiggle”; “every time he runs, those cheeks be clapping.”
  8. 0:22:54 — The natural 1. The glaive goes into the ground. Witch Hunter and Bruce flip over. He is dismounted, Bruce is prone, and Bruce’s “Ding-a-ling” is splayed out in the snow. The Shadow King: “I prefer Ding-a-ling, actually. The scientific term.”
  9. 0:23:24 — The smite. “May Maliki be with me.” His second attack hits (19). He adds a Divine Smite (“Smite his ass”), 25 more. Elusia: “Paladin abilities? Did you learn that in WoW?” “Exactly.” Elusia: “WoW leveling up levels is up in real life. I believe this firmly.” Grickle parries with a superiority die and knocks off part of the smite.
  10. 0:26:01 — The ledger of deaths. Drew: “Don’t shame him. The public school system here sucks.” Grickle: “I’m a bug. I don’t do math. I kill people.”
    • Elusia asks how he keeps count. The Shadow King holds up a blood-smeared journal, “the master logbook of deaths… a log of everything for everyone.”
    • It says Grickle has killed “one half.” Grickle: “That book is lying!” Elusia: “I thought you were an experienced killer.” Grickle: “I’ve read a few books.” Witch Hunter: “I think you’re doing great.”
  11. 0:27:30 Witch Hunter pulls his glaive from Grickle’s abdomen. Elusia asks Witch Hunter’s count: 69 (“Nice!”). “But most of that’s an orphanage, so. Not my fault. Didn’t mean to happen. Still counts, unfortunately.”
  12. 0:28:15 — The chains. The Shadow King’s end-of-round roll is 18. Elusia: “This is above average for you and not normal.” Shadow King: “Just because you’re my niece doesn’t mean I’m going to let you speak to me this way in front of all the Acolytes.” She: “What are you going to do? Kill me?” “Maybe. I’m thinking about it.”
    • He tightens the shadowy chains around her and pulls her toward the ground. “Listen, this is for your own good. It’s because I love you.”
    • Witch Hunter: “Is this generational trauma?” “Absolutely.” The chains keep tightening, then he finally lets go.

Round 2

  1. 0:29:41 Grickle attacks; Elusia notes “Grickleback” refers to himself in the third person. “What are pronouns?” The hit (26) slices Witch Hunter’s nipple right off “like a pepperoni.” Grickle: “I’m so sorry about that.” Witch Hunter: “It’s fine. It happens.”
  2. 0:30:22 — Food for the Acolytes. The nipple flies into the stands and the Acolyte Divinity D&D snatches it in their mouth. Elusia: “Food for the Acolytes!” Witch Hunter: “It’s refreshing, frankly.” Elusia: “You’ve been sweating, so it’s a little salty too.”
  3. 0:30:47 Grickle runs away again (“You’ll bravely run away”) and digs through his “carapace pockets” for his bow.
  4. 0:31:34 — The beetle dies. Grickle slips on the ice. His arrow goes straight up with a comical whistle and comes down to kill his own rhinoceros beetle (nat 1). The ledger updates to 1.5 deaths. Witch Hunter: “It do be like that sometimes.” Elusia: “No sadness, no regret as you murder your pet.” Drew suggests hiding inside the corpse “like a Tauntaun.”
  5. 0:32:48 Grickle action-surges and angrily shoots again: “That was clearly your fault!” The shot misses and hits the Acolyte Glass Flippers in the left arm. The Acolytes are now angry at him.
  6. 0:33:26 Witch Hunter: “Swiggity-swoogity, I’m coming for the booty.”

Chaos event 2 — the Box of Chaos and Glass Flippers (0:33:45)

  1. 0:33:50 The Shadow King stands: “It seems the Acolytes want a taste of chaos.” He snaps his fingers and a box falls into the middle of the arena with a thud.
  2. The death of Glass Flippers. A shadowy hand reaches into the crowd: “Well, he’s already damaged goods.”
    • He rips Glass Flippers into the air. A second shadowy hand karate-chops him and splits his whole body in two like a log. The Shadow King tosses the halves aside.
    • He grabs the floating black soul and slams it into the box. A column of pink and yellow fire shoots into the sky.
  3. 0:34:46 Shadow King: “The Box of Chaos is primed with a soul. You can make a sacrifice to it as a free action. And in exchange, you’ll get a magic item of some unknown rarity.” Elusia: the rarity “will be known once you get it.”
  4. 0:35:12 — Hero points. Elusia: “These are gifts from the Acolytes. Their energy, their hopes, their fighting spirit is poured within these hero points… so that at one point in time, you can go super saiyan… But the one thing you absolutely should not do is forget to frickin’ use it, man!”
    • Shadow King: “Something like Super Saiyan, but legally distinct. Our lawyers are having a field day.”
    • Grickle: “I will go super geck geck.” Witch Hunter: “Super geck geck times 10.” Drew: “See you in five weeks.”
  5. 0:36:35 — Lay on Hands. Witch Hunter heals 50 by “caressing myself gently… with oil.” Elusia: it makes the Acolytes “slightly uncomfortable, but also slightly aroused.”
    • Shadow King: “What kind of oil? Because we have a tradition of hibiscus lube in this arena.”
    • Witch Hunter: “Natural… organic. It’s from the flowers that bloom for me… It’s a recycle process.” Grickle: “So you use your own fluids. That’s great. We do that too.”
  6. 0:37:44 — The terrain. An archway arches over a small pond, breaking the ice, and gives cover. There is an elevated area he can climb.
  7. 0:38:38 — Bruce on break. Witch Hunter leaves him: “Take five, Bruce.” Bruce: “Bruce, Bruce” (“like a Pokemon”). Elusia calls him “Bruce Bruce” from here on, a 45-year-old. He curls into a ball and keeps his face warm in his own butt cheeks. Witch Hunter: Bruce is having an existential crisis. Shadow King: “Bruce is still figuring himself out.”
  8. 0:39:49 — Colors of the Wind. The glaive hits (25). Witch Hunter adds a 3rd-level Divine Smite: “I think Colors of the Wind from Pocahontas actually plays… I will stab you with my glaive with all the colors of the wind.”
    • The glaive leaves a gorgeous rainbow that wraps around Grickle, and marigolds bloom from his wounds. “It’s Disney, but it murders you.”
    • Shadow King: “We like seeing him get hurt, so it doesn’t matter.” Elusia: “I don’t trust him at all! Says the one who murdered his own steed.”
  9. 0:41:52 Glass Flippers’ hand reaches out of the Box of Chaos and motions both champions closer.
  10. 0:42:15 — The Shadow King’s face. He rolls a 19: “MOTHERFUCKING SHADOW KING!” Elusia decides he’s been replaced. Like the Scooby-Doo gang unmasking an impostor, she rips off his face.
    • Behind it is a black void of swirling shadow, with yellow eyes, teeth formed of shadow, and tentacles.
    • Horrified, she puts the face back, then puts a trash bag over it.
  11. 0:43:17 — The nipple dagger. Witch Hunter to Grickle: “Is it weird that my singular nipple is hard?” “Yes, that’s weird!”
    • Elusia rules that it is now sharp enough to pierce: “a small piercing nipple dagger,” because the Shadow King’s face turned him on.
    • Drew: “Some people are into Cthulhu face… I’m judging a little bit… King shame is my king shame.”

Round 3

  1. 0:44:23 Grickle runs again (“Go, go, Gadget Legs”; “a tactical retreat”). The crowd has a “coward’s corner” of little white-flag wavers. He takes an opportunity hit on the way to the box.
  2. 0:45:43 — The bread trade. The shadowy figure claws out of the box, confused: “What do you want? What do you have to trade?” Grickle: “I have bread?” “I like bread.” A d2 makes it stale bread, “hard as a rock”; Grickle “use[s] it as a bludgeoning weapon.” “I’m not picky.”
    • The figure takes it and slams the lid. Grickle hopes for “23 wolves.” Elusia: “There needs to be, because that’s chaos. Noted.”
  3. 0:47:31 — Iron Fang. The pink-and-yellow column fires again, a magical fire with no heat. A war pick floats out to him: the Iron Fang (+2 to hit, an extra d8 thunder). It’s two-handed, “but you can wield something else in your other two hands,” since he has four arms.
    • Elusia: when it hits, “sparkle damage” comes out. Witch Hunter suggests “glitter damage.” Grickle gets to name the effect himself later. Drew: “How about piercing or bludgeoning? What’s wrong with that?”
    • Elusia: “You can throw anything. You just don’t always get it back.”
  4. 0:49:22 — The thrown pick. “Yeah, buddy, let’s do this.” He holds his scimitar hands out to the sides, raises Iron Fang overhead with the other two, and throws it with an awful screech (Menacing Attack).
    • It’s a glancing blow and clips “just the tip of his other nipple.”
    • Witch Hunter is immune to being frightened. He takes 12. Iron Fang lands 5–10 ft behind him.
  5. 0:52:38 — The juggling. Grickle’s longbow shot misses. Elusia: he’s had his scimitars out all along “just for show.” Grickle: “I’m trying to impress the people.”
    • His performance is a 3. He keeps dropping the scimitars, and “not even the children in the stands are impressed.”
    • Witch Hunter: “I liked it.” With the reverse effect, Witch Hunter gets a d4 inspiration. “Are you available to be hired as a life coach?”
    • Grickle sprints away 40 ft: “Get me 40 feet away from this thing.”
  6. 0:54:58 — Spear fishing. “Leave me alone.” Witch Hunter: “I regret to inform you that I am a centaur.” He follows; his glaive has reach (“like spear fishing”). He leaves Iron Fang (great weapon fighting). Grickle: “That box was looking pretty tantalizing.” Elusia: “You should have thrown Iron Fang… in the box.”
  7. 0:56:17 — Matching ACs. He hits Grickle’s AC 18 exactly: a glancing blow. Elusia: “You all are twins. It’s like this was fate bringing the two of you together.” Witch Hunter: “Love story for the ages. Do you feel something?” Grickle: “Yeah, I feel my carapace breaking.”
  8. 0:56:56 — “Witch King.” Elusia slips and calls him Witch King. Witch Hunter: “I like that name.” Drew: “Battlefield promotion. All the way to king… Everyone else died. You’re the last guy.”
  9. 0:57:18 Searing Smite at 2nd level (“White hot, like your love for him”). Witch Hunter: “Do you think we have an OnlyFans?” Bec: “Excuse me while I make that into an advertisement.”
    • His next attack (a “dirty 20”) hits; he stabs and twists. Grickle: “Oh, dick twist! The old dick twist.”
    • Grickle can’t use his skirmisher reaction because Witch Hunter ended his turn just outside 5 ft. Witch Hunter: “I do have Misty Step, so if I wanted to.”
  10. 0:59:47 — Ricardo. Shadow King: “Is your first name Witch?” Witch Hunter: “My actual name is Ricardo.”
    • “I was a bounty hunter for a while until like an orphanage incident… then I had to rebrand and now it’s Witch Hunter.”
    • Shadow King: “It’s probably good you specialize, you kind of niche down to only witches.” Witch Hunter: “Anyone who doesn’t believe in Maliki and uses magic, witch, and I hunt them.”
    • Shadow King: “I have a similar mentality about mostly everyone, but, you know, witches be crazy for sure.”
  11. 1:00:33 Elusia, unsure where to take the conversation, calls a 10-minute break, “and definitely make sure no one here is a witch.”

Chaos event 3 — the paparazzi (after the break)

  1. 1:00:50 Shadow King: “We’re back. It’s us in the place doing the thing.” Elusia: “Magic trick… David Copperfield is the best out there.”
  2. 1:01:30 The Acolytes summon another chaos event. The fight is so big that “everyone is going to want to write about it.”
    • The paparazzi come out in droves, almost tackling the champions. “No, no, get off of me… Problem with being celebrities.”
    • Both must sneak away (DC 18). Grickle rolls a natural 1 at disadvantage. He asks whether Uncanny Dodge helps (“There’s no damage. You’re just blinded”) and whether he can use skirmisher to run from them.
    • Shadow King: “The Acolytes paid good money to see you suffer and you’re going to suffer.”
  3. 1:03:11 Both are blinded for the round by the flashes, slightly dazed, with little tweety birds floating around their heads. Grickle: “Am I good side?”

Round 4

  1. 1:04:05 — Running blind. Grickle: “Now’s my opportunity to run! Surprise! Who didn’t see that coming?” A d4 picks his direction, and he runs straight into his opponent. “Did we just kiss?”
    • He runs into the nipple dagger and takes 3 piercing. “My eye!” Elusia: “Well, I said a dagger! You chose your eye.” Grickle loses an eye (1:14:23: “Well, now you only have one”).
  2. 1:05:14 Witch Hunter swings at disadvantage and misses. Grickle scatters 40 ft and uses Second Wind (12 back).
  3. 1:06:49 Bruce Bruce, still curled in a ball, whimpers.
  4. 1:07:17 — The cockroach. Grickle: “Like a cockroach, I’m going to lie to the ground and suck myself really close to the ground.” Elusia: “I don’t know how blind people try to stealth.” Drew: “How do cockroaches try to stealth?”
    • Natural 20 (33). “It turns out being blind is your strength.” He’s completely immersed in the icy lake surface.
  5. 1:08:18 Witch Hunter turns toward the Shadow King’s voice: “Is this because I’m a centaur?” Shadow King: “That’s really a question for her. I don’t discriminate.”
  6. 1:08:31 Witch Hunter casts Cure Wounds (11), “as I caress myself once more.” Elusia: “Now you are slick and shiny, ready for a photo shoot yet again.”
    • He casts Shield of Faith, a shimmering field. The crowd chants “Do it, do it, do it. Kick his ass, Seabass.”
  7. 1:10:33 He tries to run where Grickle bumped into him; two d4s don’t match and he heads north. “I take the square root of this. Pythagoras here.”
  8. 1:12:06 — The musk. He sniffs aggressively for “the musk of Grickrick.” Grickle: “I smell wonderful.” Insight 16: he senses Grickle is near the Box of Chaos.
  9. 1:13:00 Elusia reminds him Bruce Bruce could be his eyes, “but his face currently is up his butt… He’s trying to keep warm!” Witch Hunter: “Well, he’s on break.” Drew: “Bruce is completely waxed.”
  10. 1:13:27 Witch Hunter throws a spear at triple disadvantage (Grickle, rules-lawyering: “because I’m prone”). Rolls 27, 23, 17; the 17 misses.
  11. 1:14:23 Elusia: “I don’t know much about the biology of a Thrakeen.” Grickle: he had only two eyes.

Chaos event 4 — the Shadow King’s storm (1:14:53)

  1. The Shadow King rolls 7, then 12. Elusia: “This is your turn. Make a mess. And I will allow your chaotic event of your own making to take place.”
  2. 1:15:13 Shadow King: “I’m a little bit warm in this space.” He raises a hand. Clouds roll in, thunder rolls, and freezing rain, sleet and snow begin to fall as the temperature drops. Both take cold damage at the start of every round. The blindness ends.
  3. 1:15:57 — Bruce Bruce freezes. Elusia: Bruce Bruce takes double cold damage because he is naked (“and clean-shaven, except for that mustache”).
    • Drew: “The condensation from his breath has now stuck his face in there permanently. I think he’s just stuck… Like licking a flagpole.”
    • Witch Hunter: “The job market’s hard nowadays, you know? We gotta get things where we can.”

Round 5

  1. 1:16:57 — From the snow. Grickle stands, locates his target and attacks with advantage. One die is a 1: “Had I not rolled with advantage, I would have never rolled a one.” Shadow King: “Yes, yes, it’s all my fault now.”
  2. 1:18:21 — The big hit. The second attack is a critical: “I don’t roll anything but 1s or 20s, baby!” It deals 39 damage plus a Trip Attack.
    • Elusia: “Is this like tripping up an AT-AT?” Grickle: “Tingle up the legs a bit.”
    • Witch Hunter is knocked prone, shot “right in the freaking ankle.” He takes 44 in all.
  3. 1:20:13 Grickle moves next to Bruce Bruce (“Is that something I should worry about?”). Witch Hunter fails his concentration save. Shield of Faith drops and his AC goes back to 18. Elusia: “He’s got you all sorts of flustered.”
  4. 1:21:33 “Sneaky sneak.” Grickle hides behind a big pillar (29).
  5. 1:22:18 — Bruce Bruce’s sacrifice. At the start of Witch Hunter’s turn, Bruce Bruce, face still frozen to his own butt cheeks, rolls “in donut form” looking for warmth and rolls into the Box of Chaos. He becomes a sacrifice. Elusia: “Poor Bruce Bruce. He’s like, I just need to get out of here.”
    • The d100 is a 95 (“95 wolves!”). The fire launches a greater healing potion into Witch Hunter’s hands.
    • Elusia: greater potions are just bigger: “You have a half a gallon of it.” Witch Hunter: “It’s great value, store brand.” Grickle: “This is a Sam’s Club healing potion.” Elusia: “Costco. Costco. Come on.”
  6. 1:24:14 — The allergy. Witch Hunter drinks it: “I’m allergic!” Elusia: “Players should be very careful of what they say… DMs never have to come up with anything if their players just keep talking long enough.”
    • He rolls a 10 on medicine, so he is allergic and takes half (6) instead of healing. His throat swells. Elusia: “You’re just actually allergic to the red dye that’s in it.” Shadow King: “Red dye number five.”
  7. 1:25:49 Witch Hunter casts Cure Wounds again (9). He stands up with half his movement: “I’m a centaur, so I have 40, so that’s 20.” He goes to the box instead of Grickle; Elusia: “Wait, wait, no!”
  8. 1:27:43 — The lucky charm. The shadowy figure claws out again. Witch Hunter trades his keychain with a lucky rabbit’s foot: “a family heirloom… it got me my family through some wars.” Grickle: “I gave him stale bread.” The figure: “It was delicious.”
    • The box gives him a normal healing potion, the same kind he’s allergic to. “Gluten-free? Is it gluten-free? … Is it wheat?” “Not every allergy is celiac.”
    • Grickle: “A piece of stale bread comes flying at you from the box. Whack!” He doesn’t drink the potion.
  9. 1:30:19 Elusia’s end-of-round roll is a 4. The storm deals more cold.

Round 6 — the ice

  1. 1:30:41 Grickle: “That book was a complete lie, by the way. That book was a complete lie. I know what I’m doing.” He pops around the pillar with his bow. The box gives no cover (“It’s like at your knees at the best”). One shot misses; another is a glancing blow with a superiority die.
  2. 1:32:39 Grickle asks whether the box looks explosive. Drew: “The box is not explosive.” Elusia: “The Shadow King would know. He used to be the box.” Witch Hunter: “It says not explosive on the side.” Shadow King: “It’s explosive, but not in that way.”
  3. 1:33:15 — Breaking the ice. Grickle: “He’s a centaur. He’s super heavy on this ice. I’m a little bug.” He spends his hero point to shoot the ice at Witch Hunter’s feet (18 with advantage). The ice cracks all around. Witch Hunter fails his Dex save and falls into the icy water. Misty Step isn’t a reaction.
  4. 1:35:12 Grickle, with “one good eye,” sees only cracking ice; Witch Hunter is now behind the Box of Chaos. Witch Hunter: “There’s blood pooling around the cold water… that happens sometimes.”
  5. 1:35:19 — The rescue. Grickle: “I’m going to play into the story we’ve created.” He runs over and tries to pull Witch Hunter out of the ice.
    • “I have four arms!” Drew: “But you’re standing on ice with no leverage.” “My feet have, like, claws on them.”
    • Athletics 16, plus Witch Hunter’s strength save. “Are you wanting to be saved? I’m confused. Like Titanic.”
    • Witch Hunter: “He has to grab my kidney, put that back in…” It’s too cold, slippery and wet. He keeps slipping and can’t be pulled out.
  6. 1:37:15 Grickle looks around: “Oh, man, my mom’s gonna kill me.” Elusia: “She’ll have a higher death count than you.” “Probably because I’m only two years old. If you don’t know anything about Thri-kreen, we don’t live that long.”
  7. 1:37:56 Witch Hunter’s insight (12): he is confused, but understands Grickle was trying to help and wouldn’t turn him away. Drew warns that he’ll take damage if he’s still in the water at the end of his turn.
  8. 1:39:27 Elusia: “The Acolytes from high above watch intensely, quietly, with breaths held, wondering… who will rise from the icy tundra to claim the title of champion, and who will sink to the bottomless depths below, frozen in time.”
  9. 1:39:51 — The last hero point. Witch Hunter spends it to climb out. It’s a messy flailing: he tries to help too, and they keep smacking each other’s hands away. Grickle: “It’s like trying to rescue a deer from the black ice.” Elusia: “This is the most awkward thing of a rescue mission.”
  10. 1:40:53 — Elusia believes. She looks at the Shadow King. “We all believe in him. Let this be to you! Oh, Witch Hunter Ricardo! Do not give up this fight tonight! Survive!” Grickle: “Sounds like a really good song.” She grants advantage.
  11. 1:41:55 — Witch Hunter’s last words. He looks up at Grickle: “This is my grandmother’s glaive. She, like, saved her family from this. Please, I would appreciate it if you could, you know, keep it going. You use it in your future battles, and I wish you all the best. And maybe in the next life, we can do laundry in Texas together.” In his heavy chainmail, he lets go and accepts the cold.
  12. 1:42:32 — The marigold funeral. As he sinks, his marigolds break off at their frozen stems and float to the surface “almost as a beautiful funeral,” leaving “little dollops of gold… a beauty to remember you.” The ledger changes to 2.5.
  13. 1:43:07 — Grickle grieves. He falls on his back on the ice and makes little snow angels, writhing in emotional pain. He holds the glaive close with the two small arms on his chest while the other two flail.
  14. 1:43:30 — The boot. The Shadow King dissipates into the shadows at his throne and reappears beside Grickle. “It’s okay. Don’t cry. Your pain’s almost over.” - He snaps his fingers and a giant black boot falls from the heavens, crushing Grickle and splattering his guts across the ice.
  15. 1:44:07 Shadow King: “Welcome, and good night, to D20 Deathmatch!”

Dried Blood (after-show)

  • D’Angelo: “I’m gonna write fanfic about our relationship.” Dan on the ending: “Why is this emotional? … D’Angelo just has the ability to pull heartstrings from nowhere.” Both are writers; D’Angelo flirted with the character because “if I’m going to play with someone so good looking…”
  • Why no Misty Step out of the water: D’Angelo had used all his 2nd-level spell slots. Dan: a hero point could have bought the slot back. Bec: every player wonders “can I ask this?”
  • D’Angelo always plays an Oath of the Ancients paladin, usually an orc. This was his first centaur.
  • Dan: the mount’s name started as a bug sound, and “I named my animal literally my name, but a little bit longer.” Drew: the other mount was “a human named Bruce.”
  • Drew’s Box of Chaos table: 95+ on the d100 was a potion of greater healing, and 2–50 was a regular potion. Witch Hunter rolled a 1 on the d10 both times and got both potions.
  • D’Angelo has played TTRPGs since 2008 and rarely gets to be a player, so he goes weird. Dan picks unusual races; Drew notes Dan “was a giff last time”: “you’ve been making your way through the Spelljammer book.”
  • Bec on how players’ descriptions (allergies, juggling) give DMs things to play with, and on PvP letting players see their opponent “as a person.”
  • Dan: D’Angelo was super nice to his character, so Grickle had a change of heart mid-game. “The fact that he’s super young” fed into the rescue.
  • D’Angelo compares it to the WWE/ECW antagonist style. Drew mentions the TikTok arm-wrestler who whispers encouragement; Drew imitates him: “You’re so strong. You’re a big guy.”
  • Casting: Drew says they look for guests who know each other. Dan and D’Angelo have played together before. They discuss table cohesion, vetting, the pre-show boundaries form, “lines and veils,” and “good losers.” Bec mentions Reddit horror stories, session zero, and Game of Thrones on uncomfortable content. They joke about pitching a panel on trust.
  • Closing advice:
    • Dan: content creators are people; “always be your best self.”
    • D’Angelo: play flawed characters with depth. He lists Witch Hunter’s traits: “he did have celiac disease and he became a paladin, no longer has that” and “has romantic feelings towards bug people.” Player-stated, so treated as canon for Witch Hunter.

Who and what appears

Characters

Witch Hunter / Ricardo (D’Angelo). A centaur paladin.

  • Faith and origins:
    • Worships Maliki and carries pamphlets about him.
    • Real name Ricardo. He was a bounty hunter until “an orphanage incident,” then rebranded. He hunts “anyone who doesn’t believe in Maliki and uses magic.”
    • His kill count is 69, “most of that’s an orphanage.”
  • Body and gear:
    • Marigolds bloom on him when he finds someone attractive. He uses their oil for Lay on Hands.
    • Wields his grandmother’s glaive and wears heavy chainmail.
    • Lost one nipple to Grickle’s scimitar. The other was clipped by Iron Fang, then turned into a piercing “nipple dagger.”
  • Quirks:
    • Played World of Warcraft (Bec: “canon”).
    • Allergic to the red dye in healing potions.
    • Once had a gluten intolerance, cured by becoming a paladin.
    • Never learned to swim; had no father figure.
    • Called “Witch King” after a “battlefield promotion.”
  • In this episode: drowned under the Frozen Lake after giving Grickle the glaive.

Grickle (nat1fun). A thri-kreen fighter with rogue-like tricks (sneak attack, Uncanny Dodge, maneuvers, Mobile).

  • Body and gear:
    • Four arms, a shiny carapace that can shift to dull gray, a cape-like display and wings. No eyelids.
    • Only two years old (“we don’t live that long”); “my mom’s gonna kill me.”
    • Two scimitars and a longbow; gained Iron Fang.
  • In this episode:
    • Killed his own beetle and wounded Glass Flippers.
    • Lost an eye to Witch Hunter’s nipple dagger.
    • His ledger count was ½ → 1.5 → 2.5.
    • Tried to rescue Witch Hunter, then was crushed by the Shadow King’s boot.

The Shadow King (Drew).

  • In the Dread Fortress:
    • Bowls with goblins and has “a big tournament this weekend.”
    • Calls Elusia “my niece” and tightens the shadowy chains he keeps on her (“It’s because I love you”).
    • “Definitely didn’t kill HR last week.”
  • His face: behind it is a black void with yellow eyes, shadow teeth and tentacles. Elusia covered it with a trash bag.
  • His powers in the arena:
    • Keeps the master logbook of deaths, “a log of everything for everyone.”
    • Primed the Box of Chaos with Glass Flippers’ soul and summoned the freezing storm.
    • Bec: “He used to be the box.”
  • The finish: he ended the match by crushing Grickle with a giant black boot.

Elusia, the Grandmaster “but only a name” (Bec).

  • Under the Shadow King, she does the real work of running the Deathmatch.
  • Her hair is falling out in patches and her left eye twitches.
  • She summons portals by cutting her hands on her amulet; her hands are scarred from it.
  • Ripped off the Shadow King’s face, and cheered for Witch Hunter at the end.

Bruce / Bruce Bruce. Witch Hunter’s shape-changed chaos mount.

  • A naked, waxed, mustached dad-bod human (43, later “45”). His butt cheeks clap when he runs. He says “Bruce, Bruce.”
  • His face froze into his own butt cheeks. He rolled into the Box of Chaos as a sacrifice.

Gricklebackackack(ack). Grickle’s giant rhinoceros beetle mount. Shot dead by Grickle’s own arrow.

The goblins: ten workers who prepare the arena and bring the Acolytes. Henry (bruised shins, given the marigold) and Lucy are named.

Glass Flippers (Acolyte): hit by Grickle’s arrow, then split in half by the Shadow King. His soul primed the Box of Chaos and appears as the shadowy figure that trades from it. He likes bread.

Divinity D&D (Acolyte): caught Witch Hunter’s nipple in their mouth.

Places

  • The Shadow King’s throne room (Dread Fortress), with dusty old doors and a long rug.
  • The Frozen Lake: a tundra “not creatively named.”
    • Something moves beneath the ice.
    • An archway over a small pond, a pillar and an elevated area.
    • The Acolytes’ coliseum hangs in the sky above.
  • The “coward’s corner” in the stands.

Items

  • The Box of Chaos: primed with a soul, it trades a magic item for a sacrifice, with a pink-and-yellow heatless fire. “Not explosive, but not in that way.”
  • Iron Fang: a war pick, +2, extra thunder, with “sparkle/glitter damage” (Grickle to name the effect).
  • The greater (“half a gallon”) and regular healing potions, which contain red dye.
  • Witch Hunter’s grandmother’s glaive, his heirloom lucky rabbit’s foot keychain, the stale bread, and the master logbook of deaths.
  • Elusia’s cutting amulet and the shadowy chains.

Lore statements

  • Elusia is the Shadow King’s niece (stated by him).
  • The Shadow King “used to be the box” (Bec, in table banter).
  • There is a Deathmatch every Sunday evening. The goblins help bring the Acolytes.
  • Hero points are the Acolytes’ energy, hopes and fighting spirit, gifted to the champions.
  • The arena has “a tradition of hibiscus lube.”
  • Thri-kreen have no eyelids and live short lives (Grickle is two).

Quotes by character

Witch Hunter / Ricardo

  • 0:04:44 “Good to see everyone. Is this the bathroom?”
  • 0:04:57 “It’s your fault you don’t have centaur accessibility in your building.”
  • 0:05:42 “Oh my god, you have a dump truck for a thorax. Has anyone ever told you that?”
  • 0:06:03 “Has anyone ever took a moment to talk to you about our lord and savior, Maliki?”
  • 0:06:38 “I must warn you when I find someone attractive, flowers bloom on me and flowers are blooming.”
  • 0:11:11 “Technically this is my cousin.”
  • 0:27:42 “But most of that’s an orphanage, so. Not my fault. Didn’t mean to happen. Still counts, unfortunately.”
  • 0:40:37 “I will stab you with my glaive with all the colors of the wind.”
  • 0:43:17 “Is it weird that my singular nipple is hard?”
  • 0:59:51 “My actual name is Ricardo… I was a bounty hunter for a while until like an orphanage incident.”
  • 1:29:23 “Not every allergy is celiac.”
  • 1:41:55 “This is my grandmother’s glaive… And maybe in the next life, we can do laundry in Texas together.”

Grickle

  • 0:05:31 “Where am I? Is this the thing? This is the thing.”
  • 0:15:16 “Now you see me?”
  • 0:26:05 “I’m a bug. I don’t do math. I kill people.”
  • 0:27:01 “That book is lying!”
  • 0:32:59 “That was clearly your fault!”
  • 0:45:59 “Trade? I have… I have bread?”
  • 0:49:22 “Yeah, buddy, let’s do this.”
  • 0:56:28 “Yeah, I feel my carapace breaking.”
  • 1:04:05 “Now’s my opportunity to run! Surprise! Who didn’t see that coming?”
  • 1:07:17 “Like a cockroach, I’m going to lie to the ground and suck myself really close to the ground.”
  • 1:30:41 “That book was a complete lie. I know what I’m doing.”
  • 1:37:15 “Oh, man, my mom’s gonna kill me… I’m only two years old.”

The Shadow King

  • 0:02:13 “Set them back up. I need to practice. I have a big tournament this weekend.”
  • 0:03:34 “Well, there’s only 10 of them. I figured you could spare a few.”
  • 0:04:04 “Next time, lead with the good part.”
  • 0:05:24 “And I definitely didn’t kill HR last week.”
  • 0:28:37 “Just because you’re my niece doesn’t mean I’m going to let you speak to me this way in front of all the acolytes.”
  • 0:29:07 “Listen, this is for your own good. It’s because I love you.”
  • 0:34:46 “The Box of Chaos is primed with a soul. You can make a sacrifice to it as a free action.”
  • 0:36:59 “We have a tradition of hibiscus lube in this arena.”
  • 1:00:25 “I have a similar mentality about mostly everyone, but you know, witches be crazy for sure.”
  • 1:03:07 “The Acolytes paid good money to see you suffer and you’re going to suffer.”
  • 1:33:02 “It’s explosive, but not in that way.”
  • 1:43:30 “It’s okay. Don’t cry. Your pain’s almost over.”

Elusia, the Grandmaster

  • 0:02:17 “You can’t just throw things at them and turn them into goblin bowling pins. They’re not even the right color.”
  • 0:03:39 “Fortunately, you’re not very good at bowling and didn’t get any spares.”
  • 0:06:58 “One who is ready to fight and hates the other and the other loving the one who hates them. It’s truly something beautiful.”
  • 0:09:21 “To the frozen lake. It’s not creatively named, you know, after a while we just got tired with things.”
  • 0:09:33 “I want you to make sure that this landscape is painted in red.”
  • 0:11:15 “You should not be riding your cousin.”
  • 0:30:34 “Food for the Acolytes!”
  • 0:35:12 “These are gifts from the acolytes. Their energy, their hopes, their fighting spirit is poured within these hero points.”
  • 0:56:17 “You all are twins. It’s like this was fate bringing the two of you together.”
  • 1:39:27 “…who will rise from the icy tundra to claim the title of champion, and who will sink to the bottomless depths below, frozen in time.”
  • 1:40:53 “Oh, Witch Hunter Ricardo! Do not give up this fight tonight! Survive!”
  • 1:42:32 “Those flowers of marigold release… almost as a beautiful funeral… A way, a beauty to remember you.”

Glass Flippers (the figure in the Box of Chaos, voiced by Drew)

  • 0:45:51 “What do you want? What do you have to trade?”
  • 0:46:10 “I like bread.”
  • 1:28:34 “It was delicious.” (speaker uncertain: Bec’s line, possibly as the figure)

Bruce

  • 0:38:40 “Bruce, Bruce.”

Canon notes

  • Deaths under the Shadow King are permanent unless a later season brings someone back.

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