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S1E11 — Gift Horse — Cosmonius v El Hada Rocha

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tagsepisode, season-1

41 min read

Champions and playersRobertHartleyGM as Cosmonius; DeadAussieGamer as El Hada Rocha
Resultnone. Double KO: both champions die on the same exchange.
Arenathe Dread Fortress generator room (a metal platform above a floor of giant gears), later electrified
HostsCaustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer); Mudcat narrates and plays the Arbiter
WatchYouTube

What happens

Opening: the Grandmaster’s private study

  1. 0:00:01 Intro: “Welcome to D20 Deathmatch… tonight, we have a special deathmatch lined up.” The scene is the Dread Fortress, in the halls of Elusia Skypiercer. The Arbiter walks down a large corridor to a door so big you “can’t even fathom” it. The GM adds: “We’ve never seen a door this big before… Everybody who walks past it goes, wow, that’s a big door.”
  2. 0:00:41 Inside, the Arbiter sees “a tall, slender woman with blonde hair” looking through the books. He doesn’t recognise her and demands, “what the hell do you think you’re doing in the Grandmaster’s private study?”
  3. 0:01:04 — The hair. It is Elusia: “What are you doing talking to me that way?” He guesses a new dress. It is her hair: “Literally the opposite color.” He tries to recover (“It’s a nice dress, though… I have done nothing to my hair”). She calls him blind: “Please tell me that you have better luck seeing great champions than seeing the differences in me today.”
  4. 0:02:12 The Arbiter: “Grandmaster, I know when the champions change their hair. It’s kind of my job.” She asks whether he can see quality. He says he has brought quality, and admits he was judging the champions by their hairstyles. She insists hair shouldn’t matter (“They could come in with no hair and it’d still be great”). He offers to let her “just see the hair of the champions.”
  5. 0:03:05 She puts the book back, calls his talk “driveling,” sidesteps him and orders: “Bring the champions to me now.”

The champions

  1. 0:03:20 The Arbiter claps and opens a portal. He presents El Hada Rocha and Cosmonius.
  2. 0:03:52 — El Hada Rocha “comes from the Feywilds. I am about as wild as the Feywilds themselves.” His title is “the champion of the peacock spirit,” and he promises “all manner of feathery doom.”
    • Look: a very tight spandex outfit, bright hair, and a headdress over a luchador mask, with real peacock feathers sweeping backward in prismatic colors.
    • He flexes, and massive rainbow-colored dragonfly wings rip out of the back of the suit. He points at his opponent.
  3. 0:04:59 — Cosmonius trots out: “Pray tell, what is the meaning of this?”
    • Look: a large chestnut centaur with the torso of an olive-skinned, muscle-bound strongman, “the body of a Greek Adonis.” He canters like someone doing dressage. He has long flowing Fabio-esque hair “as if he’s just walked out of a shampoo commercial,” a silky handlebar moustache and beard, and soft leather fist wraps.
    • He was “simply enjoying myself back in my home of the Feywild” and sneers at “these colourful dandies.” He introduces himself as “the Galloping Grappler, Cosmonius” with a pugilist trot.
  4. 0:06:26 The Arbiter: “I told you, look at the hair.” The GM concedes she was wrong and circles both, entranced by their “absolute just majesticness.” She can’t pick a favorite.
  5. 0:07:03 — Flattery wins the GM. Cosmonius: “I haven’t seen someone so dashing since I was in the presence of the Seelie Court.” The GM: “Okay, I found my winner.” The Arbiter protests that she hasn’t heard the other one. Cosmonius: “You never trust the words of a fairy.”
  6. 0:07:22 El Hada Rocha mocks Cosmonius for showing up to deathmatches “in the nakedness that you present yourself with. Have some decency in front of the amazing Grandmaster, you cur.”
  7. 0:07:37 Cosmonius keeps trotting and gives finger guns to a non-existent audience. He is “always under the assumption that somebody somewhere is casting scry on him,” so he says his own name again in case anyone is “just tuning in to this scry.”
  8. 0:08:13 El Hada Rocha: “You may as well start calling yourself Glue. Send you to the [glue] factory.” Cosmonius: “I think not!” A puff of colorful leaves rises around his feet and becomes a green leaf cloak, then fades to a greenish aura: he casts Bless on himself through his fey touch. Drew: “Starting out strong. We’re not even in the arena yet."

"In-house”: the generator room

  1. 0:09:02 The GM can’t keep them from the crowd any longer and asks for “a place not too far from our home.” The Arbiter: “You want to do this in-house tonight?” Cosmonius: “And what a lovely house it is.” The GM: “Thank you. I built it myself. Well, the goblins offered a lot of help.”
  2. 0:09:28 The Arbiter holds out his hand. The floor stones rearrange themselves into a doorway to another room deep within the Dread Fortress. “After you, Grandmaster.”
  3. 0:09:49 — The arena. Much further down, it suddenly turns cold, “like an icy wind,” with metal all around and gears grinding. “This, dear champions, is our generator room. Everything here powers the Dread Fortress.” There is a viewing platform over the whole generator, ringed by three-foot railings, with a long drop below. She hopes they’ll be brave enough not to hide behind the railings too often.
  4. 0:10:50 Cosmonius: for “one of these fairy folk, the colorful cadavers, soon to be,” the railing will probably give full cover.
  5. 0:11:07 El Hada Rocha runs a hand over the pristine floor and apologizes that there are no drains for the blood “this Cholo [?]” will drop. He suggests the goblins clean up. Cosmonius kneels in a horse bow to the Arbiter and GM: “I am honored by your presence.”

The Arbiter’s bet and gift

  1. 0:11:50 The Arbiter: “I think tonight my money might be on El Hada Rocha. I mean, you can’t not trust a man who’s wearing a mask.” The GM: “Is that how your brain works, dear Arbiter?” He “would let him hold all of my money.” He tosses El Hada Rocha a coin purse: “There might even be something special in there, should you peruse.”
  2. 0:12:25 El Hada Rocha rattles it: “I accept, and I will add a challenge.” He ties the purse to his mask: “Why don’t you come and take it?” Cosmonius trots, his face changes, and he charges.
  3. 0:12:54 “Not yet!” The GM lands between them to stop him. If Cosmonius draws first blood, she will grant him inspiration, “but prove yourself worthy first.”
  4. 0:13:04 — The crowd. She raises her hands. The illusion of the crowd above grows stronger as the Acolytes are summoned: “these acolytes that have come just to witness your glory, your beauty, your fierceness, and your blood spilled on this ground.” The crowd grants both champions a hero point up front, and has already earned the first chaotic event. Cosmonius: “They must have heard that I was here.” El Hada Rocha: “The peacock spirit truly blesses us through you.”
  5. 0:14:27 Drew describes the floating grandstand magically placed above the generator. People scream names, throw popcorn and spill beer. Drunks from the tailgate pick fights. It’s “dollar hot dog night in the Dread Fortress,” and the crowd chants “CHAOS!”
  6. 0:14:56 The GM will hold the chaos event until round one ends. Cosmonius laughs along with her evil laugh and is told off: “Nobody laughs when the Grandmaster laughs.” She admits she is “a little scatterbrained this morning.” She flies up to her throne seat next to Doug the pug.
  7. 0:15:50 The Arbiter flares his white wings: “once again, you’ve come for dungeons, and dice, and deathmatches, and we will satiate your thirst.” He “bamfs” away.

Initiative and placement

  1. 0:16:16 El Hada Rocha wins initiative. For the follow-up roll, he flicks his hair and a swarm of fireflies that had been resting in his mask flies out as he bends luck on Cosmonius. A floor tile cracks under Cosmonius’s weight as he is about to charge. The GM: “You rolled your ankle too early in the fight.”
  2. 0:17:50 Cosmonius starts on the left side near a tower. El Hada Rocha starts on the far side, about 100 feet away.

Round 1

  1. 0:18:30 — The peacock blast. El Hada Rocha praises the peacock spirit. He spreads his wings, puts both hands behind his head and pelvic-thrusts at the sky. An Eldritch Blast flies out shaped like a huge peacock: the spandex suit becomes the neck and the headdress becomes the tail. The GM: “Let me see your peacock. Yes!” It misses. Cosmonius dodges with his hair flowing: “Thankfully for me, I’ve seen them before in the Feywild, knew how they would attack.”
  2. 0:20:00 — Ashardalon’s Stride. El Hada Rocha spins and his peacock feathers ignite in blue, turquoise and vivid green flame. His trail looks like “nine stretched-out tail feathers made of turquoise fire,” burning anyone he moves through. Cosmonius: “You’re turning yourself into the DeLorean.” “I don’t need metal floors.” He flies 30 ft.
  3. 0:20:58 — The 88 counter. Drew has El Hada Rocha keep a running d20 total, starting at 16. “When you get to 88 total, you get a luck. As you bend time.”
  4. 0:22:44 Cosmonius’s token won’t move: “My tech goblins like to follow me everywhere.”
  5. 0:23:15 — The charge. “Ha-ha!” He gallops in: “Prepare for pain as the galloping grappler arrives.” Five feet short, he spends ki on Step of the Wind (“That’s right, I am a monk”) and dashes “right up into your grill.” He pulls up “somewhat anticlimactically,” puts up his dukes and lands two punches to the face, one at max damage. The GM: “I forgot the movement that centaurs have. That’s insane.”
  6. 0:25:36 Flower petals stream off him as he gallops past and out of reach. He didn’t disengage, so El Hada Rocha takes an opportunity attack, a backhand, and misses. Cosmonius stops on the far side: “Come and get me, little man!” He flips around and plays to the crowd.
  7. 0:26:54 — First blood. The GM keeps her promise: Cosmonius gets a d6 inspiration. “Thank you, your ever-loving Grandmaster.”
  8. 0:27:08 At the ledge, Cosmonius sees a large platform of spinning gears 20–30 ft below, which runs the machinery.
  9. 0:27:30 — Hellish Rebuke. El Hada Rocha wipes purple blood from his lip: “You hit pretty well for someone who dresses like a poor person. But… the vengeance of the Peacock God is unforgiving.” Fire erupts from his mouth like a fire breather. Cosmonius would have saved, but El Hada Rocha bends his luck and he fails. The flame is purple, green and blue, “the peacocks’” colors. The GM: “Leave your mark, that way we all know it’s you.” Cosmonius quickly puts out his smoldering tail: “Singed well.”

Chaos events 1–2: the puppet strings and the Meemaws (0:30:02)

  1. Round one ends. The Arbiter: “Grandmaster, there’s now two chaotic events.” Cosmonius starts to laugh at her evil laugh and stifles it. “You will regret that.”
  2. 0:30:42 — The puppet strings. The first event is “truly a gift from one of our own acolytes, Kalindra.” “Dear Arbiter, do you think you can pull some strings for us?”
  • Threads run from each of the Arbiter’s fingers to the champions’ limbs. Both become his puppets. He makes one take a bow.
  • He makes Cosmonius punch himself in the face. The punch misses (“That’s hard for a monk”). Cosmonius: “Aha! Quite the trick you have there, Arbiter. Fantastic work.”
  • He makes El Hada Rocha untie the coin purse from his mask, take out a small healing vial and drink it. The vial was the “something special” in the purse.
  • “Dance, my puppets, dance.” The GM: “Cut the strings and let them loose.” The threads whisk away into nothing.
  1. 0:33:55 — The Meemaw attack wave. “Our acolytes do like to throw a lot, but… one item in particular… grandmas in the ring.” “Give us your Meemaws!” Chat throws in its grandmothers.
  • When they land, “for the Arbiter’s sake, they oddly look like goblins.” Names called from chat: Shirley, Isabelle (“your neighbor’s grandma”), Betty, Judith, Naomi, Marion, Suzanne, Lucille, Lucid, Lorna, and later Lorraine.
  • The Arbiter: “We here at D20 Deathmatch do not endorse the actual throwing of grandmothers.” “Unless they request it.” “Unless they deserve it.” The GM: “Grandmother has some history. She knows how to fight.” Anyone’s grandmother counts, and in Bec’s family past a certain age you’re a grandma anyway.
  • Ten grandmas are scattered on the field. Passing one means a coin flip: she smacks you with her purse, or kisses your cheek and heals you.
  • Cosmonius explains why they look like goblins: as people age they “get hunched forwards and they shrink down and they like to hoard things.” Grandma voices: “No, you’re eating well enough, darling.” “You’re wasting away.” The purse damage is really cheek-pinching. “You need to eat more.”
  1. 0:35:48 The crowd demands another chaos event for the chaos of the grandmothers. The GM puts it off until the next round. Drew: “this place is now a minefield of grandmothers… they don’t make grandmother tokens like they used to.”

Round 2

  1. 0:38:07 — The good grandson. Seeing the grandmothers, El Hada Rocha stops flying and dismisses his flame stride so he won’t set anyone on fire. He walks to the nearest grandma: “Abuela, it is too dangerous here. Come, I will show you to your grandson.” He offers his forearm to escort her to safety. “El Hada Rocha is, if nothing else, he is a good grandson.”
  2. 0:39:05 This grandma is “B. Harthur” (a chat name, Bea Arthur): “She is a legend for many reasons.” The coin comes up badly. Whack! “I can do this on my own, Sonny!” El Hada Rocha takes double damage from the “chancla [?]” and apologizes.
  3. 0:40:04 — The grandmas love Cosmonius. He trots past another: “Good day to you, grandmother!” “Oh, I wish you best, dear boy.” She kisses his cheek and heals him. “That ruffian over there almost set me on fire.” “My, you are very hot, aren’t you?” She fans herself.
  4. 0:41:20 — The Galloping Grappler. “You do well, abuela.” Cosmonius gets behind El Hada Rocha and trades his first punch for a grapple. It’s a natural 20. El Hada Rocha bends luck, but can’t escape. He’ll have a harder time breaking free next round.
  5. 0:42:47 — The trip. One front leg comes out behind El Hada Rocha and slams him down. Cosmonius spends his d6 inspiration. El Hada Rocha’s legs are swept out and he hits the cold metal floor hard, shedding a tuft of blue feathers and fireflies. Cosmonius keeps both his grapple and his hero point.
  6. 0:44:19 Next to another abuela: “Worry not, grandmother. I will protect you from this ruffian.” The GM: “It seems these grandmas really like the shirtless centaur.” El Hada Rocha: “It’s the handsome man from all of those telenovelas… when they’re all sitting there watching TV, it’s like, ooh.” She hands him a chocolate cookie (more healing). “It tastes delightful.” He doesn’t let on that it’s really stale.
  7. 0:45:15 — The Harrowing Hooves. El Hada Rocha is pinned prone and grappled. “You’ve found out why they call me the Galloping Grappler. Now discover why they call me the Harrowing Hooves.” The Arbiter: “This guy has a lot of nicknames.” Flurry of Blows: his free hoof stamps down twice, both hits. He adds Hand of Harm, which deals necrotic damage: “I’m a bit of a healer, and I’ve assessed his body for where his vital organs are.”

Chaos events 3–4: Peepaws and Grandma Siren (0:46:54)

  1. The crowd cheers for more blood. The GM: “I swear, if either of you give me another 13 and we have more grandmas on the field.” Cosmonius rolls 13: “The grandmas love me.”
  2. 0:47:36 — Peepaws. “Throw me your Peepaws!” Chat throws grandfathers: Don, Laverne, James. Five Peepaws hit the field. Each either heals you “with their kind wisdom words” or “gives you a spanking,” harder than the grandmas. Drew: “These are the Hobgoblins.” The GM: “Look like Mufasa on the field.”
  3. 0:48:42 Cosmonius: “Oh, sorry, I spilled a little of your blood there.” He uses El Hada Rocha to mop it up. Guttural swearing in Sylvan comes from El Hada Rocha, and his eyes ignite.
  4. 0:49:21 — Grandma Siren. “One of you throws in a very spicy grandma… cougar grandma… you don’t know how many children she has, but she’s got a lot.” She is “technically supposed to be a siren, but this is Grandma Siren,” a merfolk grandma (“Merfolks can be grandmas too”). She sings “Brick House” with shaking hips from the far edge and pulls them toward her. Cosmonius: “You have aged like a fine wine.”
  5. 0:51:12 Both are drawn toward her. Cosmonius drags the grappled El Hada Rocha by the hair, and they stop in front of the same grandma who had kissed Cosmonius. She is jealous to see him going after someone else: “Don’t you dare listen to that hussy!” She slaps them both. The slap breaks Cosmonius’s Bless: “She slaps the Bless right off your face.” “This woman liked me and now she doesn’t.” Cosmonius: “Your cookies bring all the boys to the yard.” “I can’t believe I just dropped Bless from a grandma slapping me for one point of damage. Welcome to D20 Deathmatch.”
  6. 0:53:03 El Hada Rocha’s 88 counter reaches 37.

Round 3 — the feather shield and the giant crab

  1. 0:53:13 — The Arbiter steps in. “I’m not liking this. This guy’s getting punched a lot and he needs some help.” With mage hand he plucks feathers from El Hada Rocha’s luchador mask and weaves them into a giant bird nest, which he gives him as a feather shield. Cosmonius: “I can’t blame you for that, Arbiter. He was going to get a pummeling after all.”
  2. 0:54:30 El Hada Rocha: “Your blessing, Arbiter, is most appreciative. I will use it as the bulwark for my victory.” The shield catches fire, and the fire spreads until his whole body is aflame. He misty-steps a little away. The fire takes the form of an immense coconut crab with massive pincers and blue peacock coloration, and a sound like a vise. El Hada Rocha burns his hero point for an extra turn as the crab. It is huge: Drew resizes the token “to a more appropriate size.”
  3. 0:56:50 The GM: “This does remind me that STDs, like crabs, are very rampant among the elderly, so check in on your family.” A pincer swings; Cosmonius knocks one claw aside: “You know how hard it is to get crabs out of this much fur?”
  4. 0:58:38 The crab is now big enough to draw two grandparents’ attention. The grandma is terrified, “screams and wets her pants” and attacks it. The grandpa is impressed: “Give them all you’ve got, sonny” (temporary HP). Grandpa (Drew): “I remember the first time I had crabs.” El Hada Rocha: “Papa, this is like Becca’s quinceañera. You can’t tell people about this when you’ve just met them.” Grandpa: “When two people love each other, sometimes crustaceans are involved… It’s all perfectly natural.” The GM: “Grandpa, I’m embarrassed. Please stop talking.”
  5. 1:00:02 — Cosmonius vs the crab. “Let me try and rid you of this crustacean problem, grandfather.” He dressage-hops between the pincers, rears and front-kicks the crab’s eyestalks, then a Stunning Strike. The crab rolls a natural 20 to resist: “The only thing that stuns me is your futility.” Drew rules that El Hada Rocha now understands the stun and has advantage against it from now on.
  6. 1:01:40 A second hoof hits the crab’s shoulder joint for max damage. Then Flurry of Blows: he steps on the shoulder, climbs up and launches into the air, bringing both back feet down. Both miss. He spends ki on Focused Aim. El Hada Rocha bends his luck; Cosmonius spends more ki. “The determination is there.” The hoof cracks the carapace, with Hand of Harm and max bludgeoning damage.
  7. 1:03:43 He drops between two elderly folk, “which I’m sure will love me.” Neither does. “Quit fighting near us.” Grandpa lands a heavy punch, “clearly an old veteran.” Drew: “Grandpa’s seen some shit.” Cosmonius asks what’s behind him: a lantern, “coolio green flame lantern,” “a fancy nightlight” (GM).
  8. 1:05:21 — The grandma-grandpa civil war. The grandparents are furious over whose cookies he ate: “My cookies are better! Your macaroni tastes like shit!” The quarrel spreads into “a grandma-grandpa civil war.” Voices (speaker 01): “I hate that you’re always playing old maid!” “We’re playing pubs [?]!” “If you hadn’t deliberately hidden all of the E’s [at Scramble]…” “Shut up, Audrey!… Ever since you arrived and started stealing all the men, you harlot!” “Oh, Gus, you need to keep out of it.”
  9. 1:06:38 The GM: “Enough… Take these hussies off of my floor right now.” The Arbiter opens a portal to Florida and shuffles all the grandparents into a retirement home. Break announced; welcome back immediately (cut).

Round 4 — the dropkick and the gift horse

  1. 1:06:43 “We are in the throes of an epic battle between Cosmonius and El Hada Rocha, who is now a giant crab, or has giant crabs, to be confirmed later.” Cosmonius: “It’s about to be giant crab meat.” “All of the grandmothers have been ushered off to Florida… the battlefield remains barren and empty except for the cookie crumbs left behind.”
  2. 1:07:36 — The crab drops. El Hada Rocha loses concentration. “Crab drop.” He returns to his own form, still wearing the feather-nest shield.
  3. 1:08:49 — The Phoenix Dropkick. He flies nearly flat on his back, spiraling, feet first: “Phoenix, dropkick!” Eldritch Blasts fire from the soles of his feet, a quickened second casting doubling them, “one for each foot.” Tides of Chaos gives advantage. “A Gatling gun of feet.” Every beam misses: seven misses in a row, despite a +9. “This is horrifying.” Cosmonius: “Arbiter, couldn’t you have found someone a little more on my level?” The Arbiter: “Listen, he promised me. He was wearing a mask… I trusted him.”
  4. 1:11:32 — Mercy from the GM. “The Grandmaster feels terrible for you.” She lets him redo one blast. Cosmonius drops his Dexterity from his AC: “Go on, hit me, hit me.”
  5. 1:12:18 El Hada Rocha lands and stomps out the fire on his feet like a cigarette. He walks right up to Cosmonius’s smug face, then spins a breakdance windmill into a flaming kick up toward his chin. It’s a glancing blow (the GM’s ruling: an attack that exactly meets AC deals half damage). He petitions for Tides of Chaos and adds Hexblade’s Curse: the flames turn red-purple. “I said hit me, not tickle my face.” A jet of flame from his hand on the ground pushes the kick through and up into the jaw. Cosmonius: “My jaw is misaligned… it’s ruining my pretty face.” “Very symmetrical, now it’s very asymmetrical.”
  6. 1:15:19 — Chopsbuster. “If you’re going to bring the pain… Let’s crack out the old CHOPSBUSTER!” A big right hook misses, then a left jab. The GM: “Apparently, taking a break really ruined everyone’s momentum.” He dances around dressage-style and horse-kicks with Flurry of Blows. Ki on Focused Aim still isn’t enough. The feather shield and mage armor bring El Hada Rocha’s AC to 20, and the hooves hit the shield instead.
  7. 1:17:11 — The title line. Cosmonius: “It seems like the Arbiter’s gift to you is the only thing keeping you here… you know what they say? Never look a gift horse in the mouth.” He ends his flurry by punching himself in the jaw with Hand of Healing. The GM: “I was like, are you hitting yourself?” Drew: “There’s a chaos event for that.” “Realign my jaw. Much better! We didn’t want to ruin this pretty face, did we?” He finger-guns the crowd.
  8. 1:18:18 — The chariot. “Why not take this on the road, shall we? Give the people a little tour.” On the opportunity attack, El Hada Rocha grabs Cosmonius’s long hair and swings up to stand on his back, circus-style, gesturing to the crowd. Drew: “the old one-two chariot.” He fails to actually grapple, but he’s riding. The GM: “Let me show you the world.”
  9. 1:19:38 Cosmonius gallops around the map, leaps over a corner and tries a shoulder shove to throw him off. El Hada Rocha hangs on by the hair and ends up side-saddle. “I’ll make it look fantastic… like I’m doing it on purpose… Tonto, jump on it.”
  10. 1:21:24 The Arbiter rolls a natural 1 on his own end-of-round d20. El Hada Rocha’s counter sits at 38: “He’s so far from 88.” Drew rolls a natural 20 for him and adds it: “You need all the help you can get.”

Round 5 — therapy, Thunder Step and the electrified map

  1. 1:22:24 Insults about grandmas. Cosmonius: “You wonder why grandmothers don’t like you?” El Hada Rocha: “Yes, I’m very jealous of this fact. Me and Poppy had a very bad relationship, but that is none of your concern.” GM: “These family ties hurt.” Cosmonius: “We start to just break down and have therapy in the middle of this deathmatch. What’s your earliest memory of your grandmother?” GM: “Seeing her sandal fly towards my face.” El Hada Rocha: “The earliest memory I have of my grandma is making tripitas.”
  2. 1:23:06 — Thunder Step on his back. Still riding, El Hada Rocha casts Thunder Step on Cosmonius’s back, a shockwave from “this very tiny form.” Cosmonius is bloodied and hobbles: his back is “a little bit broken.”
  3. 1:24:09 — The rhythm. El Hada Rocha dismounts and hovers aloft. He matches Cosmonius’s footsteps, using him as an instrument with clicking and finger cymbals (performance 17). Arbiter: “I like the dance that he’s doing.” GM: “It’s good to know your dance partner” (advantage on his saves against Cosmonius).
  4. 1:25:45 — The pit plan. Cosmonius builds a run with a hobble. He plans to leap over El Hada Rocha and back-kick him into the pit.
  5. 1:26:32 — Chaos event 5: the electrified map. The Arbiter interjects; the GM: “Bring on the sixth [fifth]… this map, it dulls me. Perhaps we can make it a little more electrifying.” The Arbiter crackles electricity through the air and pulls lightning down from somewhere high, shocking all the machinery in a giant electrical eruption from the middle. It looks like fireworks behind Cosmonius mid-leap. Anything within 15 ft of an electrified object takes electric damage. Both make a Dex save “for the sake of chaos. The Acolytes want the chaos.” Cosmonius takes half because he’s still in the air, not grounded; El Hada Rocha takes it all. GM: “Isn’t our map just so shocking?”
  6. 1:28:50 — The shove. Cosmonius lands and back-kicks the “ferryman” (fairyman) over the edge. El Hada Rocha accepts the shove, and his wings let him hover just above the precipice, over a 30-ft drop onto exposed gears. The second hoof goes for his chest.
  7. 1:30:02 The GM to the Acolytes: “Our counter was never expected to go above five.” “Chaos!” “The chaos reigns!” A wave of new subs. Cosmonius: “They must have known we were here… Cosmonius, the Chopsbuster, the Galloping Grappler, the Harrowing Hooves.” Arbiter: “I think we have to, contractually.”
  8. 1:30:58 — Chaos event 6: the donkey piñata. “This place looks like a party anyway.” A giant, brightly colored donkey piñata descends on a small string and hovers 15 ft up. “All piñatas hold something delicious and wonderful on the inside.”
  9. 1:31:58 Cosmonius looks up in victory and only then realises “this fairy has wings.” (Dried Blood: he thought they were decorative.) He bows low to an absent queen: “Oh, fairy queens of the Seelie Court, never have I seen such beautiful wonders. Take me to them, if you will.” He misty-steps onto the top of the piñata. The GM: “It’s a strong string.” El Hada Rocha: “I apologize to all the audience for having to watch an ass on an ass.”
  10. 1:33:14 “Complete chaos”: everything electrified, a centaur on a piñata. Initiative is rerolled and Cosmonius goes first.
  11. 1:33:58 — Lend me your ears. “Friends, acolytes, Grandmaster and Arbiter, lend me your ears.” He grabs the donkey’s two ears to tear them off, rolls a natural 20, and pulls the entire head off. He wears the donkey head as a helmet (“an ass’s nole [?]”), “making me look even more equine”, flimsy but worth +1 AC for a turn. GM: “This is like the most violent way to destroy a piñata.” El Hada Rocha: “I have a small family of little piñatas.” Drew: “I’m not sure that he knows what you’re supposed to do with the piñata.” Cosmonius: “I’m not standing below it. This guy’s flying below me… get my candy.” Since he’s the only one up there, only he gets the candy.
  12. 1:35:39 “Piñata King! I’m adding that to the list of names.” Inside are four full-size candy bars (“not the fun size… Ferrero Rochers, like the big, massive, fancy”). He tucks one down each hand wrap and tears one open and eats it to heal.
  13. 1:36:22 — The hoof dive. He jumps off the piñata down onto El Hada Rocha with two Flurry hoof kicks (one with “hoof of harm”). El Hada Rocha twists his luck, and the second becomes a glancing blow. Cosmonius explains a creature falling past you under gravity provokes no opportunity attack. El Hada Rocha is knocked and dips, but his wings hold. Cosmonius slow-falls onto a ledge and skids into a corner just outside the lightning’s reach, hoping to push him into it.
  14. 1:40:06 — Battered beauty. Cosmonius spins, hair whipping: his back still broken from the Thunder Step, “chocolate down my moustache now… I’m not looking quite as Fabio model as I once was. My hair’s still beautiful though.” El Hada Rocha is badly beaten: “his otherwise beautiful plumage has been plucked and torn,” feathers sagging, “multicolored stains of bruising and pixie blood over his tattooed body.” “You, you dare step on El Hada Rocha?” “Oh, I dare. I’m sorry, I didn’t even notice you beneath my feet.”
  15. 1:41:09 — The pylon. “How about I do something to get your notice?” Expeditious Retreat: his wings stretch further and sound like a low-flying aircraft. He flies into the electrified range, grabs a pylon with shocking grasp and pulls its electricity toward Cosmonius, the current forming a peacock’s wingspan around him. He uses no hero point (“I am just doing it and seeing what happens”). Cosmonius: “Essentially, it becomes a moth in a bug zapper.” He makes the Con save (Tides of Chaos again), takes some of the pylon’s shock himself, and channels it, spinning into an azure electric peacock. It hits. GM: “Your nipples are very, like, with the electricity.” Arbiter: “Your nipples are like Tesla coils.”
  16. 1:45:04 — Deflect Missiles. Cosmonius argues that El Hada Rocha flew at him like a projectile, so he slaps the hand aside and reduces the hit. The GM: “That’s fucking creative, so let’s do it.” The pylon’s lightning still lands in full.
  17. 1:46:22 — 88 miles per hour. The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll; then El Hada Rocha rolls a natural 20, doubled to +40: 98. “Past 88 miles per hour. You are the master of time and space. You now have a luck.” Two lines of electricity ignite a streak. Drew: “The clock tower gets struck by lightning and then poof, you’re off.”

Round 6 — the double KO

  1. 1:47:17 Cosmonius uses El Hada Rocha’s “hyperdrive” momentum to spin him round and slam him into the ground. It’s only a glancing blow, because his wings add drag. He hauls him into a headlock under his armpit (contested; El Hada Rocha has no bad luck left: “No more bad luck”). GM: “Right into the armpit. That always smells great.” He falls sideways with his whole horse body into a guillotine choke, adds Hand of Harm, and uses Savage Attacker to reroll the damage: 20.
  2. 1:49:43 “Before you get too comfy,” electricity surges in El Hada Rocha again. His insect wings transform into blue feathers of peacock energy that wrap the centaur in a third-level Hellish Rebuke, searing across his fur.
  3. 1:50:32 Cosmonius stands with El Hada Rocha still under his arm, rocks forward and horse-kicks at nothing, “so that I can chiropractically realign the spine that you basically broke” (Hand of Healing). GM: “You heal in the most painful way.” She reminds him the fight is bloody and he still has his hero point. “I’m holding on to it… I’ve got an epic ending in mind.”
  4. 1:51:55 — The last dive. El Hada Rocha slips the grapple. His insect wings are “kind of broken,” but blue flame holds him aloft. “You were a much more worthy opponent than I gave you credit for. One way or another, this is the end.” He spirals 50 ft up and dives “as fast as I can while rotating,” a flying arrow firing Eldritch Blasts from his feet: a miss, a glancing hit, and a critical hit as he lands in a large explosion.
  5. 1:54:31 — The capoeira sweep. Cosmonius spends his hero point to try to sweep El Hada Rocha’s foot out from under him just before impact, so that he takes the damage instead. The GM: the nat 20 makes it DC 20 acrobatics, for half the damage transferred. Arbiter: “It definitely makes sense.” Cosmonius: “I was inspired by his… capoeira spin kick before.” He rolls 17. “I don’t time it just right… I opened up my defenses, opened up my belly.” He takes all of it.
  6. 1:56:50 Both champions are on 4 hit points. El Hada Rocha asks about rerolling damage with his luck (no) and decides to leave it.
  7. 1:57:44 — The fist bump. Cosmonius stumbles and gets up: “I must say, little man, I fought your kind back at home multiple times, but you… A much more worthy opponent. It will be sad to see you go.” He offers a fist bump. El Hada Rocha’s hand is trembling and his fingers are broken, but he reaches up and bumps. They touch gloves “as if the bell’s just gone ding ding” and pace around each other.
  8. 1:58:44 El Hada Rocha stretches: “Shall we go out like men then? Put up your dukes.” Cosmonius: “No. Not like men. Like Fae. Like Fae!” A simple, straight right-in-the-face jab. He tries Savage Attacker to roll low enough to keep El Hada Rocha alive, but the minimum is too much, “so I might as well overkill.”
  9. 1:59:36 — The final rebuke. “In his last moments,” El Hada Rocha swings back with a last Hellish Rebuke from his final spell slot. Cosmonius: “Yeah, take us both out. I love it.” Lightning is still crackling in El Hada Rocha’s body along with the fairy fire, and Cosmonius fails the save. He stays standing for a second, then one hoof gives way and he topples forward.
  10. 2:00:31 The jab lifts El Hada Rocha off the ground and he floats backward into the metal wall. His flaming blue wings go out; one wing is basically torn off. He falls to his knees, and in his final moment he pulls off his mask, then hits the ground.

Aftermath

  1. 2:01:05 The GM: “Did that truly just happen to the two most beautiful champions we’ve had on our arenas?” Arbiter: “Grandmaster, it was an awful waste of hair.” Cosmonius: the fairy fire singed away “my beautiful locks and mustache.” El Hada Rocha: his long plumes are “short and cut and burnt away.”
  2. 2:01:36 Arbiter: “We’re supposed to have a champion, a winner. But, you know, at least they’re dead. I guess there was a death. I guess that’s the only rule technically.”
  3. 2:01:50 — The GM’s eulogy. She flies to the center of the arena among the Acolytes. “Dear acolytes, I fear I have no champion to give you.” Looking down at their crumpled bodies, “barely reminiscent of the fresh-faced champions that had entered the arena”: “I can give you no greater gift than the battle of today… keep their memories alive in your hearts. Tell those who were not here today… They may not be here standing, but their story will be etched in stone. Remember the names of El Hada Rocha and Cosmonius. You have witnessed true greatness. And next time I see you all in the stands, may your hair be just as glorious.” “Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”

Dried Blood (after-show)

In character (canon, Dried Blood). Drew invites “a final word to the Acolytes, either as yourselves or as your characters.” These read as in character:

  • El Hada Rocha (2:08:35): “To you, the acolytes who supported El Hada Rocha, know that beauty is not what you put on the outside, but your spirit and heart within, because that is where you find the true peacock god.”
  • Cosmonius (2:08:53): “And to you, my fans and acolytes, I say, remember me as I was, beautiful and flawless.”

Out of character (creator notes):

  • Both enjoyed the double KO, “such a dope way to end it.” Dag and Rob share a fan base and have been in close popularity contests before, so a draw meant “no one’s going to be disappointed.” There was a lot of smack talk before the episode; Bec recommends checking it out.
  • The crab: Rob thought he’d lost when it appeared (“triple my normal hit point max”). Dag had advantage on concentration checks he forgot to use. He’d planned to catch Cosmonius on top of the crab, then turn back mid-air while Cosmonius couldn’t use his monk movement.
  • Rob thought the wings were decorative until the pit shove. He had planned to leap the pit with El Hada Rocha on his back and misty-step away so he’d fall.
  • Bec had gears queued up below in case someone fell. Drew hoped someone would die on the gears. Rob: slow fall would have negated it; Dag would have been stranded on the gears.
  • Dag also thought about throwing Cosmonius down the pit with the crab, but the electricity “was a game changer.” It’s his second time playing with them; he praises Bec’s and Drew’s (“Becker and Mudcap”) creativity.
  • The puppet-master chaos event was invented by Calindria, a heavyweight-tier Patreon subscriber, and debuted this episode.
  • Dag’s seven straight Eldritch Blast misses: “All of those would have missed if I had an AC of 16.”

Who and what appears

Characters

Cosmonius (RobertHartleyGM). A large chestnut centaur from the Feywild.

  • Look: olive-skinned strongman torso; long Fabio-like hair; handlebar moustache and beard; leather fist wraps. By the end, his hair and moustache are singed and there is chocolate in the moustache.
  • Titles: “the Galloping Grappler,” “the Harrowing Hooves,” “Chopsbuster” (a named punch, then a title), “Piñata King.”
  • Abilities: a monk. Uses Step of the Wind, Flurry of Blows, Stunning Strike, Focused Aim, Deflect Missiles, slow fall, and Hand of Harm/Healing (“a bit of a healer”). Fey-touched (Bless, Misty Step, invoked by bowing to the fairy queens of the Seelie Court). Savage Attacker.
  • Habits: says his own name in case someone is scrying him; finger guns; dressage trot.
  • Has “fought your kind [fairies] back at home multiple times.”
  • His name may mean “Studier of the Stars” (speaker uncertain).
  • Grandmothers adore him, until they get jealous.
  • Wore the piñata’s donkey head; kept two full-size candy bars in his hand wraps.
  • Died to El Hada Rocha’s final Hellish Rebuke.

El Hada Rocha (DeadAussieGamer). A fairy luchador from the Feywild(s), “champion of the peacock spirit,” servant of “the Peacock God.”

  • Look: a spandex suit, worn until he rips it off. A luchador mask with a peacock-feather headdress. Rainbow dragonfly wings that later become blue flame-feathers. Fireflies live in his mask. He bleeds purple (“pixie blood”).
  • Rose tattoos across his torso, with a name under each rose, and an empty spot where he remembers opponents.
  • Family: speaks Spanish; “a good grandson.” Earliest memory: making tripitas with his grandma. Says “Me and Poppy had a very bad relationship.” Swears in Sylvan.
  • Magic: peacock-colored flame and blasts. Eldritch Blast, Ashardalon’s Stride, Hellish Rebuke, Bend Luck, Tides of Chaos, Misty Step, Thunder Step, Expeditious Retreat, shocking grasp, Hexblade’s Curse, mage armor. He transformed into a giant peacock-blue coconut crab.
  • Moves: “Phoenix dropkick”; breakdance windmill and capoeira kicks.
  • The Arbiter’s gifts: he carried the Arbiter’s coin purse (with a healing vial) and used the Arbiter’s feather-nest shield. He reached the Arbiter’s “88” time-bending luck.
  • Died to Cosmonius’s jab. He pulled off his mask as he fell.

The Arbiter (Drew).

  • Failed to notice Elusia’s new hair color.
  • Bet on El Hada Rocha because he wore a mask; gave him the coin purse and later the feather shield.
  • Controlled both champions as puppets (Kalindra’s event). Opened a portal to Florida to dispose of the grandparents. Electrified the generator room. Rearranges Dread Fortress stones into doorways.
  • Ran El Hada Rocha’s “88” time counter.
  • “Contractually” obliged to trigger chaos.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec).

  • Now has blonde hair, a recent change (“literally the opposite color”).
  • Says she built the Dread Fortress herself, with a lot of help from the goblins.
  • Has a private study with an enormous door. Has a throne seat beside Doug the pug.
  • Favoured Cosmonius after his flattery. Gave him first-blood inspiration, and gave El Hada Rocha a mercy reroll.
  • Ended the night without a champion and gave a eulogy for both.

The grandparents (chat-thrown; they look like goblins, and the grandpas like hobgoblins or Mufasa).

  • B. Harthur: smacked El Hada Rocha.
  • The kissing grandma: kissed Cosmonius, gave him a stale cookie, then jealously slapped both champions.
  • The crab-fearing grandma, the impressed grandpa (“I remember the first time I had crabs”), and the veteran grandpa who has “seen some shit.”
  • Grandma Siren, a “cougar” merfolk grandma who sang “Brick House.”
  • Named in the quarrel: Audrey and Gus.
  • Other chat names: Shirley, Isabelle, Betty, Judith, Naomi, Marion, Suzanne, Lucille, Lucid, Lorna, Lorraine; grandpas Don, Laverne, James.
  • All were sent to a Florida retirement home.

Kalindra / Calindria: an Acolyte (a Patreon heavyweight-tier subscriber) credited in-world with gifting the puppet-strings chaos event.

Doug the pug: sits by the GM’s throne seat in the stands.

The goblins: helped build the Dread Fortress and are proposed as blood-cleaners. Cosmonius’s “tech goblins” follow him everywhere (a table joke).

Places

  • The Grandmaster’s private study in the Dread Fortress, behind an unfathomably large door, full of books.
  • The generator room, deep in the Dread Fortress: cold, metal, grinding gears. “Everything here powers the Dread Fortress.”
    • A platform with 3-ft railings, a tower, green-flame lanterns, and pylons.
    • A floor of giant spinning gears 20–30 ft below.
    • No drains.
    • Electrified mid-fight.
  • The floating grandstand above it, on “dollar hot dog night in the Dread Fortress.”
  • The Feywild, home of both champions; the Seelie Court.
  • Florida (a retirement home), reached by the Arbiter’s portal.

Items

  • The Arbiter’s coin purse, tied to El Hada Rocha’s mask, with a small healing vial inside.
  • The feather-nest shield, woven by the Arbiter from El Hada Rocha’s mask feathers. It caught fire and became the crab.
  • The donkey piñata and its head (Cosmonius’s flimsy helmet). Four full-size candy bars (“Ferrero Rochers”) came out of it.
  • Grandma’s chocolate cookie; grandma purses and sandals.

Lore statements

  • The generator room powers the whole Dread Fortress.
  • The Grandmaster says she built the Dread Fortress, with goblin help.
  • Elusia’s hair is now blonde, a recent change.
  • The Arbiter can shape the fortress’s stones into doors, make puppets of people with threads, and portal to Florida.
  • The crowd’s chaos counter “was never expected to go above five.” This night reached six events.
  • “Death” is “technically” the only rule of a deathmatch (Arbiter).

Quotes by character

Cosmonius

  • 0:05:55 “You are in the presence of the Galloping Grappler, Cosmonius.”
  • 0:07:03 “May I say, Grandmaster, I haven’t seen someone so dashing since I was in the presence of the Seelie Court.”
  • 0:07:19 “You never trust the words of a fairy.”
  • 0:08:03 “In case somebody’s just tuning in to this scry, they need to know who they’re going to be seeing.”
  • 0:26:28 “Come and get me, little man!”
  • 0:45:15 “You’ve found out why they call me the Galloping Grappler. Now discover why they call me the Harrowing Hooves.”
  • 0:52:40 “Your cookies bring all the boys to the yard.”
  • 0:57:26 “You know how hard it is to get crabs out of this much fur?”
  • 1:17:11 “Never look a gift horse in the mouth.”
  • 1:33:58 “Friends, acolytes, Grandmaster and Arbiter, lend me your ears.”
  • 1:35:39 “Piñata King! I’m adding that to the list of names.”
  • 1:57:44 “I must say, little man, I fought your kind back at home multiple times, but you… A much more worthy opponent. It will be sad to see you go.”
  • 1:58:55 “No. Not like men. Like Fae. Like Fae!”
  • 2:08:53 (Dried Blood) “Remember me as I was, beautiful and flawless.”

El Hada Rocha

  • 0:03:52 “I am El Hada Rocha, and I come from the Feywilds. I am about as wild as the Feywilds themselves.”
  • 0:07:22 “Have some decency in front of the amazing Grandmaster, you cur.”
  • 0:08:13 “You may as well start calling yourself Glue.”
  • 0:27:30 “You hit pretty well for someone who dresses like a poor person. But… the vengeance of the [Peacock] God is unforgiving.”
  • 0:38:07 “Abuela, it is too dangerous here. Come, I will show you to your grandson.”
  • 0:54:30 “Your blessing, Arbiter, is most appreciative. I will use it as the bulwark for my victory.”
  • 1:01:07 “The only thing that stuns me is your futility.”
  • 1:08:49 “This is where I will remember your name. And who shall remember yours? The people!”
  • 1:09:10 “Phoenix, dropkick!”
  • 1:23:06 “The earliest memory I have of my grandma is making tripitas.”
  • 1:40:33 “You, you dare step on El Hada Rocha?”
  • 1:51:55 “You were a much more worthy opponent than I gave you credit for. One way or another, this is the end.”
  • 1:58:44 “Shall we go out like men then? Put up your dukes.”
  • 2:08:35 (Dried Blood) “Beauty is not what you put on the outside, but your spirit and heart within, because that is where you find the true peacock god.”

The Arbiter

  • 0:00:41 “What the hell do you think you’re doing in the Grandmaster’s private study?”
  • 0:02:12 “Grandmaster, I know when the champions change their hair.”
  • 0:11:50 “You can’t not trust a man who’s wearing a mask.”
  • 0:15:50 “Once again, you’ve come for dungeons, and dice, and deathmatches, and we will satiate your thirst.”
  • 0:35:07 “We here at D20 Deathmatch do not endorse the actual throwing of grandmothers.”
  • 0:53:13 “This guy’s getting punched a lot and he needs some help, Grandmaster.”
  • 1:11:50 “How was I, I trusted him.”
  • 1:30:42 “I think we have to, contractually.”
  • 1:46:49 “Past 88 miles per hour. You are the master of time and space.”
  • 2:01:17 “Grandmaster, it was an awful waste of hair.”
  • 2:01:36 “At least they’re dead. I guess there was a death. I guess that’s the only rule technically.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

  • 0:01:22 “You couldn’t notice the hair color difference?… Literally the opposite color.”
  • 0:01:54 “Good grief, you are blind.”
  • 0:07:10 “Okay, I found my winner.”
  • 0:09:22 “Thank you. I built it myself. Well, the goblins offered a lot of help.”
  • 0:09:49 “This, dear champions, is our generator room. Everything here powers the Dread Fortress.”
  • 0:15:12 “Nobody laughs when the Grandmaster laughs.” (exchange; mostly Rob’s line, with Bec’s “Yes”)
  • 0:33:55 “Give us your Meemaws!”
  • 0:47:46 “Throw me your Peepaws!”
  • 1:06:38 “Take these hussies off of my floor right now.”
  • 1:26:46 “Dear Arbiter, this map, it dulls me. Perhaps we can make it a little more electrifying.”
  • 1:30:02 “Our counter was never expected to go above five.”
  • 2:01:05 “Did that truly just happen to the two most beautiful champions we’ve had on our arenas?”
  • 2:01:50 “Dear acolytes, I fear I have no champion to give you… Remember the names of El Hada Rocha and Cosmonius. You have witnessed true greatness. And next time I see you all in the stands, may your hair be just as glorious.”

Grandparents (voiced by Bec unless noted)

  • 0:39:36 B. Harthur: “I can do this on my own, Sonny!”
  • 0:41:14 Kissing grandma: “My, you are very hot, aren’t you?”
  • 0:52:11 Kissing grandma: “Don’t you dare listen to that hussy!”
  • 0:59:02 Grandpa: “Give them all you’ve got, sonny.”
  • 0:59:25 Grandpa (Drew): “I remember the first time I had crabs.”
  • 0:59:44 Grandpa (Drew): “When two people love each other, sometimes crustaceans are involved.”
  • 1:04:37 Grandparents: “Quit fighting near us.”
  • 1:06:11 (speaker 01, uncertain) “Shut up, Audrey!… Ever since you arrived and started stealing all the men, you harlot!”

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