D20 Deathmatch Wiki

S2E14 — Shrooms — Ulfgar Greyblade (Mcswiggins) v Snoop & Dog

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tagsepisode, season-2

35 min read

Champions and playersRunawayRobot_ as Snoop & Dog; bonus_stage_rob as Ulfgar Greyblade, “Mcswiggins the Everthirsty”
ResultSnoop & Dog (Mcswiggins falls into the hole)
Arenaa lost plane “for those things that are lost”: squishy, testicle-like membrane ground, fart-stench air, curving S-shaped walls with shimmering shelves; later a giant hole (the “toilet”) manifests
HostsCaustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer); Mudcat narrates and plays the Arbiter, Gerald, the lions and the Aeorian Reverser
WatchYouTube

What happens

Opening — the Dread Fortress

  1. 0:00:00 Intro: “Welcome to D20 Deathmatch! We have returned to the Dread Fortress!” A table gag: someone screams the intro out (“I could do this all fucking day”). The GM declares Tuesday night screaming night and “jots it down on her calendar.”
  2. 0:00:42 The Arbiter walks the halls of the Dread Fortress. His heels clack, servants scurry, goblins chatter in the corners, and the air is damp. He peeks into the Grandmaster’s throne room: “Grandmaster, are you here this week?”
  3. 0:01:07 The Grandmaster is pacing with her hands behind her back: “Where have you been?” She heard the clacking down the hall: “Are you wearing tap shoes?” He says they’re Italian leather.
  4. 0:01:39 — The dead man’s shoes. The Arbiter took the shoes from a man he killed, whose dying words were “take care of my Italian leather shoes.” A perception check (19) shows metal pieces on the soles. GM: “He’s a liar. He’s a dead liar, but he’s a liar.” The Arbiter calls the dead man “a shyster” and refuses to keep wearing them, so he takes them off and goes barefoot.
  5. 0:02:30 — Shoe policy. The GM rules that shoes are required in the arena (“spikes and gross stuff on the ground, blood… It’s a safety thing. It’s insurance.”). The Arbiter snaps his fingers and puts on vacation sandals, also taken from a corpse: “I have a fine collection of shoes from all the people I’ve killed.” GM: “I don’t want to know.”
  6. 0:03:34 — Introductions. The Arbiter announces “Ulfgar Greyblade versus Snoop & Dog.” Snoop can’t find where the Arbiter’s voice is coming from (“I’m standing literally right here”).
  7. 0:04:02 — Snoop. Snoop’s own fine Italian leather shoes have heels to make him a couple of inches taller (“makes people think more of me”). “Hi, I’m Snoop. This is my dragon dog. He’s a silver dragon.” It’s hot in here, and he has never done this before. He says Dog is very well-versed in battle and “really the backbone of this partnership.” Snoop relies on him for his day-to-day routine.
  8. 0:05:10 — “How high are you?” The GM means his height. Snoop hears the other meaning: he ate magic mushrooms on the way in and is “incredibly” high. “I’m really not sure where I am right now… the world takes care of everything.” His height is about four foot six and a half. He stands on his toes for extra height. Arbiter: “Sounds about fighting height to me.”
  9. 0:06:05 — Ulfgar / Mcswiggins. He addresses Dog as if Dog were Elusia; he’s disoriented and has clearly “had more than a few.” “Ulfgar Greyblade. You may know me as Mcswiggins, the Everthirsty, the toughest son of a bitch in Drakboldor [?], and the pride of the drunken master.” The GM points out her very large, bedazzled crown: “It’s okay, dog, we’ll get you a crown.” He starts his introduction again from the top and loses track of whether he already said it.
  10. 0:07:27 — The name mix-up. “What is a Mcswiggins?” He sees “Ulfgar” written up somewhere and insists it’s Mcswiggins. The GM sidebars: did the Arbiter write the wrong name? The Arbiter: “This is what happens when you put out a general call for people to fight to the death… their friends sign them up… I’m not in charge of the sign-up list… This guy’s obviously drunk. He doesn’t even know his own name.”
  11. 0:07:43 — Mushrooms. Snoop wonders whether it’s the purple mushrooms. Mcswiggins asks if he’s still holding. The mushrooms are in Dog’s saddlebag. Snoop explains: purple mushrooms make you light and happy; red ones he takes right before a fight, and Dog says they help him fight better. “I think he calls it a blood frenzy?” He gives Mcswiggins “the biggest one I have left. You’re kind of a big guy.” Mcswiggins is a broad dwarf of about 4’8”, so he looks up only slightly, “at an angle.”
  12. 0:09:40 Mcswiggins asks Snoop, whom he takes for an audience member, about Dog’s fighting style. The GM hushes it (“you don’t have to give that away”). Snoop: “We’re the ones, we’re fighting. You and me, and Dog.” Mcswiggins: “I’m fighting two people? That hardly seems fair.” Arbiter: “To be fair, one’s not a person.” The Arbiter promises to make it up to Mcswiggins afterwards “if you’re not dead.” Mcswiggins: “No one ever dies.” GM: “Well, one of you will have to die tonight… challenge your opponent to draw their very last breath.”

The arena — a lost plane

  1. 0:11:08 The Arbiter rips open a portal, and dank, moist, stale air flows out. The ground is squishy like a membrane, crossed by vines, and the air is hot and thick, “as if you were walking through someone’s fart.” The GM revises the image: “it looks like you’re walking on a testicle.” Mcswiggins: “You should write poetry.”
  2. 0:12:20 The walls weave in curves, making S’s. Their nooks hold shelves that shimmer, but nothing is visibly on them. GM: “I’ve decided to take you to an interesting plane. Lost plane for those things that are lost. But even here, they can be hard to find. So search around and perhaps you might be able to find that which has been forgotten.”
  3. 0:13:07 As she opens her wings and flies up, the fog briefly clears and the cool air feels heavenly. Above sit the Acolytes, whose farts are falling down onto the arena. A science check: farts are heavier than air, so they sink. GM: “Welcome to the arena of lost farts.” She promises fighters “short in stature” but epic fights, “and there’s also a dog that’s not a dog.”
  4. 0:14:37 — Is Dog a dog? Snoop: “He’s a dog. Look at him.” Mcswiggins: “It’s a very scaly dog.” “Dogs are scaly. Why do I feel like the crazy person here?” GM: “a hairless, scaly dog.” Dog: “Woof.” Doug the Pug, seated next to the Grandmaster, barks back, and his whole body shakes when he barks.
  5. 0:15:26 Snoop: “Why do I feel like I’m walking on testicles?” Arbiter: “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.” GM: “Someone lost theirs.” Mcswiggins: “Those are some big nuts.”
  6. 0:15:54 The Arbiter flies up: “There are ponchos underneath your seats for those of you in the front row. Mind the splash zone.” Both champions start in the S-pockets of the map, with no line of sight to each other. The Acolytes demand the Box of Chaos and a chaos event.
  7. 0:17:12 The initiative loser rolls the chaos event. Mcswiggins gets 15 and Snoop & Dog 14.

The Box of Chaos — Gerald arrives

  1. 0:17:45 As a consolation prize, the Box of Chaos slams down next to Snoop. Pink and purple flames shoot up in a column but give no heat. The lid creaks open, and two bright yellow eyes and shadowy claws reach over the side. Snoop: “I’ve been down this alley before, man. I don’t want any.” The box speaks: “Why does this place look like a testicle?” Snoop: “Wait, you can talk… the last one I saw didn’t talk. Do you want some mushrooms?”
  2. 0:18:35 The GM rules that interacting with the box is a free action. Snoop objects to “loser”: “The non-winners.” He rolls a 17.

Chaos event — metal chairs (0:19:14)

  1. The Grandmaster pulls two metal chairs from behind her seat and hands one to the Arbiter. Both fly at the champions to open with a chair shot.
  2. 0:20:11 Mcswiggins is in the middle of “the extremely long piss he’s taking against the wall of the testicle arena.” “I will not be caught down with my pants again. Wait, no, caught with my pants down.” The Arbiter’s chair hits Mcswiggins (“Got off light, sucker”).
  3. 0:20:59 The Grandmaster’s chair gives Snoop a glancing blow, scraping down his shin with a little rust, for half damage. Snoop: “My fine Italian shoes.” Snoop: “I don’t want to play anymore.” Arbiter: “Too bad. I win. Chaos has been served.”

Round 1

  1. 0:22:01 — The rage. Cold-cocked by a chair, Mcswiggins rages, and ancestral protectors emanate from his axe: “Oh, hear me, Jamison, Johnny, and Jack. I call upon you, we’re on the attack.” He sprints out of his crevice and looks for his opponent.
  2. 0:23:17 Snoop shushes Dog (“Woof. Woof.”). Mcswiggins gets a perception of 20 and spots the side of Snoop’s Italian leather boot sticking out from cover. “I know Italian leather anywhere. Come here, you chair-wielding menace!” Snoop: “Wait, that wasn’t me!” The sprint uses Mcswiggins’ whole turn.
  3. 0:24:02 — Snoop befriends Gerald. “Box guy!” “My name’s Gerald.” Snoop offers the happy kind or the blood-rage kind of mushroom. Gerald wants both, so Snoop dumps both bags of shrooms into the box. Gerald’s eyes turn into yellow spirals. “I’ll be right back.”
  4. 0:25:39 The box shakes, and Gerald can be heard tripping over all the stuff inside. He comes back up: “this is all I can find.” He hands over a pair of golden lion figurines, figurines of wondrous power; each can become a lion for up to an hour. Mcswiggins: “I didn’t realize I was fighting a menagerie.” GM: “This is Matt Damon with his zoo.”
  5. 0:26:56 — Guard lions. Snoop summons both lions to guard Gerald (“Gerald is mine now”). “Look at these fucking lions, dude! Gerald and I are gonna chill over here.” He sends Dog around the back to bite ankles.
  6. 0:28:41 — Dog’s ankle bite. Dog is Snoop’s Drake companion. Dog rolls a natural 20 and bites Mcswiggins’ ankles with piercing and lightning. “Dog knows how to bite them ankles.” “Woof.” Dog gets a token: “It’s not white, but… It’ll do.”
  7. 0:31:34 The lions obey spoken commands. GM: “This is dog. Meet cat.” Snoop: “Bite those ankles! Go, cat!” GM: “Why do you hate ankles so much?” Snoop: “Because I’m very short and it’s all I can see.”
  8. 0:32:38 — Doug rolls. The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is bad. Doug hops onto his pedestal with a green plushy D20 in his mouth, spits it out and rolls a 6, for a total of eight. Snoop: “What is that non-dog doing with the green thing?” GM: Doug “glows with ethereal ability… Doug is our high roller. So every time the Arbiter fails us, Doug’s here to save the day.” Arbiter: “You forgot last week when Doug rolled like shit… Doug’s a piece of shit. Don’t let him fool you.” Snoop: “Doug is a very cute lizard.” GM: “Look at Doug. Cute lizard.”

Round 2

  1. 0:34:00 The Acolytes award each champion one hero point. GM: “If you die before using it, I’ll kill you again.” Snoop: “Gerald and I are gonna chill over here. You can just… fuck off.” Mcswiggins: “Many a time, but not today!”
  2. 0:35:02 A lion pounces at Mcswiggins and misses.
  3. 0:35:28 — The slam dunk. Mcswiggins, “tipsy turvy,” plants his axe in the lion’s jaw. With his hero point he twirls the lion around, slam-dunks it into the Box of Chaos and elbows the lid shut. His strength check gets advantage for the hero point and comes up 22. GM: “All those mushrooms made Gerald hungry. Gerald’s gonna eat the lion!”
  4. 0:37:29 The table asks whether there’s a body of water. “It’s inside the testicle, clearly… he is stored in the balls… It’s biology.”
  5. 0:37:57 — The lion tattoo. The lid flips open and the lion’s bones fly out onto the floor. The pink flames wrap Mcswiggins’ arm and burn a lion symbol into it: a barrier tattoo. It’s the lowest rarity, which would leave his unarmored AC unchanged or worse, so Snoop’s player argues on his behalf. The Arbiter concedes +1 AC: “You get a cool tattoo.” Snoop: “Man, that’s a super sick tattoo there, dude.” Mcswiggins: “You’re gonna see it up close, nice and personal.”
  6. 0:39:54 Snoop: “Gerald ate one of my fucking lions… I thought we were bros, Gerald.” Gerald: “I didn’t know it was your lion. It could have been anybody’s lion.”
  7. 0:40:13 Mcswiggins sidesteps the other lion and goes at Snoop. Dog’s opportunity bite misses because of the new +1 AC. Arbiter: “I gave that to you! Remember, you advocated for that.” Snoop’s player: “I want my friend to have fun.”
  8. 0:41:05 A reckless greataxe swing hits Snoop. “Fuck, dude! Jesus! Watch where you put that shit!” The rage damage is sorted out mid-swing (Beyond20 toggle).
  9. 0:43:18 — The handshake. Snoop begs him not to swing again: “You killed my lion and get to attack me twice… I gave you mushrooms and stuff.” It’s persuasion against insight. Mcswiggins seems swayed: “You did give me mushrooms.” “Put her there.” He reaches out his hand, then lands an unarmed strike, a sucker punch: “Gotcha. They said to the death.” The GM lets him roll stealth to see whether anyone noticed the hand coming in from the side. He gets 21, and “barbarian sneak attack” adds a small bonus. Snoop: “What the fuck, dude? What is this shit?”
  10. 0:45:45 The remaining lion bites Mcswiggins and draws blood. “Good job, cat!” It wags its tail. “Wow, you’re as long as a dog!”
  11. 0:46:49 — Snoop’s revenge. “Fuck you, dude. I’m gonna fucking stab you.” His voice gets higher the angrier he gets (Arbiter: “as if someone was walking on your testicles”). One strike hits and the second misses (“Mcswiggins is wise to your second swing”).
  12. 0:47:43 — Invisibility. “Now I know a little bit of magic as well.” Snoop turns invisible. Mcswiggins tries his Mage Slayer reaction: “This is why they call me Mage Bane!” It’s ruled a trait, not a spell, so nothing triggers. Snoop: “It’s all the farts. I’m gonna leave now. You can’t see me. Buh-bye!”
  13. 0:48:48 Snoop slips past at disadvantage because of his armor. Mcswiggins’ opportunity attack also has disadvantage, and it misses. “You slippery little bastard!” Snoop: “Doug, cover my retreat!” Mcswiggins: “I can hear him! My god, I will never stop hearing him! But I can’t see him!” Dog holds his ground to guard the space.
  14. 0:50:34 The Arbiter’s roll is 13 (“at least three above average”). Doug rolls anyway, prances on his fluffy pillow, and his chair floats up so his head sits higher than the Arbiter’s. “That’s a good lizard.”
  15. 0:51:30 — Break. The GM says the Acolytes need to eat more to “produce our atmosphere” and asks what kind of food farts they’re offering. Mcswiggins: “Oh, it’s just like being home.” Break cut: “welcome back” at 0:52:08.

Chaos — the Acolytes’ farts (0:52:20)

  1. Chat offers its farts: fish farts, beer farts (“Professional Guinness drinker here. It’s awful”), Doritos and cheese farts, peanut farts, a bear eating popcorn, and chili. “The buttholes are on fire.” Both champions make constitution saves.
  2. 0:53:44 Mcswiggins rolls a 20. GM: “You were basically born in this atmosphere… oh, I’m home.” Mcswiggins: “You merely adopted the farts. I was born in them. Molded by them.”
  3. 0:54:11 Snoop fails and takes necrotic damage from the thick fart fog. “That’s more than he hit me with an axe for.” He loses invisibility, hacking and throwing up.

Round 3

  1. 0:55:10 Mcswiggins pats the nearby lion: “ah, good kitty”, then sprints at Snoop. The lion’s opportunity bite misses. Snoop: “Spin your shit around and actually bite him next time!” Dog’s guarding bite lands. The GM rounds damage up: “We’re here for blood… We ain’t nice.”
  2. 0:56:51 Mcswiggins attacks “shrecklessly” with the greataxe and puts an Eldritch Smite on the hit. Snoop takes a heavy blow. Mcswiggins swings again where Snoop recoiled: “hold still the two of you!” Snoop reminds him that reckless attacks get advantage: “Thanks, Dad!”
  3. 0:59:02 — The Arbiter’s bet. “Snoop, you’re an honorable fighter and I like that.” Snoop: “I fucking turned invisible and ran away! Honorable!” The Arbiter has placed bets on Snoop and gives him a 1d4 bonus for one roll “for being truthful.”
  4. 0:59:33 — Pets and therapy. Mcswiggins sneers at summoning cats and dogs. Snoop: pets “can really help with your mental health.” Mcswiggins: “My mental health is just fine. I’ve got drink for that… Eat, drink, be merry. I do all three of those all the time.” Snoop suggests therapy. GM: “That’s a lifestyle.”
  5. 1:00:24 The “busted lion” misses again. GM: “This is like secondhand lions… This one needs to be retired… Taken to the farm.” Arbiter: good, “my Italian leather shoes are falling apart and I could use some more glue for the soles.” GM: “You mean your tap shoes.” Arbiter: “The men of Italy like to be heard when they enter a room. It’s a status thing.” Mcswiggins: “The men of Italy. I love that band. They’re bards and they all have magnificent mustaches.”
  6. 1:01:23 — Snoop goes all out. “Snoopaloop!” “Mcswiggins, I’m super sorry about this… I’m gonna have to go all out! Just this once!” He summons his guard drake to his side and mounts Dog. “You’re gonna be my favorite enemy for a while.” His spear strikes hit, and he uses Fury of the Small once. Description: Dog leaps into the air while Snoop stabs downward; “it’s very clear that he has taken one of the red mushrooms now.”
  7. 1:03:33 “Dog, unleash the lightning!” A large cone of lightning bursts from Dog’s mouth. Mcswiggins saves with Danger Sense and takes half. GM: “Yippee-ki-yay, cowboy!”
  8. 1:04:45 — The beer ice. As a reaction, Mcswiggins is encased in ice that looks like it’s made of beer, slightly amber, rising from the ground, and gains a big pool of temporary hit points. The Arbiter identifies it as “the tomb of Lastavus” [Levistus]. Inside, he’s incapacitated and vulnerable to fire. GM: “You can see him on the inside licking his frozen beer.” Snoop: “Oh, it tastes like victory… my faithful steed.”
  9. 1:06:28 The Arbiter rolls 17. GM: “good enough that Doug doesn’t even need to get up.” Arbiter: “Stay where the fuck you are, Doug.” GM: “Check that [attitude] for a hot second.”

Round 4

  1. 1:06:52 Mcswiggins is “just vibing.” He cracks open his flask, magically enchanted to keep refilling, and takes five.
  2. 1:07:26 — The drunk lion. At the end of his turn the beer ice melts onto the floor. The lion drinks it and attacks at disadvantage: natural 1. The GM slams her hand down: “I am taking this lion out. It is out of commission. I am going to put it out in a nice place where it can retire happily.” She lifts it out of the farts and seats it next to Doug, who licks its wounds like a kind nurse. It later falls asleep drunk.
  3. 1:08:41 — Snoop vs Gerald. “Gerald, what the fuck, dude? You gave me two defective lions, and he got a sick tattoo!” Gerald: “Hey, hey, hey, man. You’re kinda harsh on my buzz.” Snoop: “I gave you the buzz!” Gerald: “they’re your lions… Lions can either be ferocious or they can fit in your pocket. You can’t have both.” Snoop: “Why not?” “I don’t know, man.” Gerald shuts the lid and the box disappears. Mcswiggins: “Gerald, you and I have to talk next round… No, no, Gerald, we were going to hang.”
  4. 1:10:05 Snoop closes the distance. His hit is ruled a glancing blow on top of rage, so quarter damage. Arbiter: “We don’t make the rules, we just enforce them. And we also make them.” GM: “Tell no one.” Arbiter: “She makes the rules, I enforce them.” Dog bites for a small amount.
  5. 1:11:42 The GM calls for animal handling: “You seem to be losing control of your animals.” Snoop gets 25, slipping “Doug and I are one” (he means Dog). Mcswiggins: “You don’t even know his name.” The GM grants Dog advantage next round. Snoop: “I’m just having a minor panic attack.”

Chaos — the Aeorian Reverser (1:12:40)

  1. The Arbiter rolls 19: “Enough! Begin the summoning, Arbiter! You have hit the threshold!” The testicle-ground shakes and the walls wiggle. Mcswiggins: “Are you, is that happening, or am I just fucked up?”
  2. 1:13:09 “This is a place of lost and forgotten things.” Potions and carvings that weren’t there appear on the walls. A giant hole manifests, and an Aeorian Reverser climbs out of it. Mcswiggins: “Another kitty.” Arbiter: “You’re not gonna like this one, trust me.” Time and space distort, so initiative is rerolled. Snoop: “I am sufficiently spooked!”
  3. 1:14:50 — Snoop saves Dog. The Reverser lands a critical bite on Dog. Snoop uses Mounted Combatant to take the hit himself: “You’re goddamn right I’m taking the damage for Dog… Dog, go on without me.” The GM offers a heroic parry roll-off. He spends his hero point for advantage and slides in front, kicking Dog back, and gets 23 against the Arbiter’s 22. “Dog, I’ve got you!” “Wow! You saved Dog!” He negates the crit and stabs into the Reverser’s mouth. GM: “A hero point for the animals!”
  4. 1:18:10 — Truce. Snoop: “All right, Mcswiggins, fuck this dude, and we can finish our fight later. This is some bullshit.” Mcswiggins: “I gots me an idea brewing in the old brain box.”
  5. 1:18:30 Snoop circles around for “a booty shot.” GM: “Smack that ass.” He switches his favored foe from Mcswiggins to the Reverser. Dog rolls another natural 20 bite, and the lightning gets through its magic resistance because it’s just dragon lightning. “Dog is the real MVP.” GM: “We’re really bad at this chanting thing.” Snoop: “Mcswiggins! Finish it off!”
  6. 1:20:47 — The failed ride. “Mcswiggins is going to try and get on the reverser.” GM: “I love this idea. I like how this guy thinks.” In a strength-off, the Reverser rolls a natural 20, grabs Mcswiggins, uses his momentum and throws him at Snoop. It misses Snoop, and Mcswiggins hits the ground. “I have my own worthy steed for this elegant combat. No, epic combat.” Arbiter: “He really pulled the reversal on that one.” GM: “at least he didn’t get ridden.”
  7. 1:22:48 Mcswiggins lays a Hexblade’s Curse on it: “I say, fuck the ever loving fuck out of that thing. You’re a dick… I thought we were cool, man. You were gonna be my steed.” He has completely forgotten Snoop exists.

Round 6

  1. 1:24:10 The Reverser claws and bites Mcswiggins, including force damage that rage doesn’t halve. The table jokes about “lion totem”, since he has the lion tattoo: “Just so happens lions are resistant to force damage… Always have been.”
  2. 1:25:50 — Snoop kills the Reverser. His first strike misses. His second is a natural 20, and he obliterates it. Snoop to Mcswiggins: “I feel like they’re cheating up there. Like, we’re supposed to be fighting each other, and they send this monster in after us, and you’re not even paying attention to me anymore.” He had to “casually stab the dude up in the throat while he’s having the conversation.”
  3. 1:26:46 — Take five. Mcswiggins: “I kind of have to piss again. I think I broke the seal.” Snoop: “Do you want to take five?… I’m going to give Dog a snack.” “Does he drink?” “Sometimes… a little bit off the top.” Mcswiggins: “Hold my flask. I’m going to go rock a piss into that hole.” Snoop declines the opportunity attack. He gives Dog some alcohol from Mcswiggins’ flask, takes some himself, and gives Dog temporary hit points. In “corner-ring pep talks,” Snoop tells Dog: “Good job, Doug… Now it’s just us against Mcswiggins… That monster really fucked him up.”
  4. 1:28:35 — HR. Arbiter: “This is an informal fight to the death, but… this is not a toilet… We have HR. You can’t just whip your dick out anywhere in this arena.” “There’s a line.” Mcswiggins: “Wait, but I don’t see a line. Where’s the line?” Snoop: “Shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it.” Snoop politely lets Mcswiggins rage again before they resume. A surprise unpleasant noise follows, and GM: “you are not a rogue, quit surprising us.”

Round 7 — down the toilet

  1. 1:30:13 Snoop charges and makes a Shield Master shove to push Mcswiggins into the hole. “Down the toilet! Put that piece of shit where he belongs!” It succeeds.
  2. 1:31:01 Mcswiggins gets a strength save to catch himself and hangs on the rim, “your hands now soaked with… a little bit of dribble because you hit the rim.” Snoop: “What the fuck? That’s not cool, man.”
  3. 1:31:49 — “Long live the king.” Snoop climbs off Dog, goes to the edge and clenches Mcswiggins’ hands for “the Scar moment”: “Long live the king!” In the strength roll-off Mcswiggins wins, so the two end up holding hands with fingers interlocked.
  4. 1:32:33 Dog bites (dirty 20) and latches onto Mcswiggins, hanging from his feet. Mcswiggins makes another save at disadvantage and fails. He says back: “Long live the king.” Snoop: “I heard that in a movie once.” Mcswiggins: “I have to go down at least. I’m taking one of the fighters with me.”
  5. 1:33:56 OOC: Snoop can clap his hands and Dog will disappear and reappear beside him. Mcswiggins doesn’t know that.
  6. 1:34:09 — The fall. “Mcswiggins, you fall into this dark hole, this dark abyss, falling through space and time, what feels like forever.” Mcswiggins: “I peed so far, and fought so hard, and in the end, it was fucking awesome. I’m at peace.”
  7. 1:34:51 “Dog, come back!” Dog pops back next to Snoop. “You thought I was just going to hit him off the edge? No.” Mcswiggins: “No longer at as much peace, but whatever… It wouldn’t be the first time I landed in a pool of my own piss. There’s worse ways to die.”
  8. 1:35:13 GM: “As you fall, spiraling into the abyss of the forgotten. Arbiter, clean up that mess.” The Arbiter snaps a plunger into his hand and dives headfirst into the abyss with it: “someday you’re gonna clean the fucking toilets.” Mcswiggins: “So they were toilets is what you’re saying.”
  9. 1:35:44 — Victory. The Grandmaster flies down to Snoop & Dog: “Have you fought bravely?” Snoop: “Yeah, bravely. Absolutely super brave.” She holds out her hand. Snoop reaches way up to take it. She flies him straight up and spins him around “like a carnival” so all the Acolytes can see, as they chant “Snoop & Dog! Snoop & Dog!” The fresh air returns and the farts in the arena dissipate: “That’s a victory on its own.” “Goodnight to D20 Deathmatch!”

Dried Blood (after-show)

In character (canon, source: Dried Blood)

  • 1:38:11 — Snoop’s sports interview. “You go in with a game plan. The coach has always got your back… The plan was from the beginning, take some shrooms. After that, really just feel out how it was going to go. Turn invisible, run away a whole lot. We gave 110%… we’re looking for the championship this year… I hope to be back real soon.”
  • 1:38:59 On the lions: “We really just didn’t get much practice in. They were new to the team… And then Mcswiggins coming out of left field, immediately dunking one of those lions into Gerald. And here I thought Gerald and I were friends… Gerald owes me, like, at least insurance money payout on that.” He has to “go out onto the scouting grounds and find another companion.”
  • 1:39:48 — Mcswiggins. “First of all, I thought his name was Greg” (Gerald). “Fuck that dude anyway.” He thinks it should have been a true 1v1, “but I’ve never been a Sir Loser, so I’m not gonna start now. I think the little guy was scrappy.” “For about 30 minutes there, I thought I was hallucinating on mushrooms. Then I remembered that this was in fact real and I didn’t take the mushrooms.” The GM invites him to take one now: “You’ve got time for eternity.”
  • 1:41:14 — The Arbiter catches Mcswiggins (canon scene, narrated by Drew). Mcswiggins has been falling “for a while” through space and time, where time loses meaning. He takes the mushrooms and freaks out, and sees an angel-like figure above: the Arbiter catching up, flaring his wings, plunger in hand. Mcswiggins: “Mom?” Arbiter: “No. I mean, what’s your mom look like? Is she hot?” “I don’t know. She’s a nice lady.” “That’s good enough for me.” He sticks the plunger to Mcswiggins’ head, opens a portal and flies him into his lair. He sits him down, hands him a tankard of ale and says: “You stay right there. I’m going to have a use for you very soon.” The scene fades to black. (“Mystery. Magic.”)
  • 1:45:16 — Snoop’s favorite moment (in character): the menagerie plan, with Dog “doing the work.” The shield shove “came to me in a bit of a vision… I’m gonna hit this man like a truck… Dog had to assist… and long live the king, the king is now me.” GM: “You can have a crown, but it just won’t be as big as mine.” Snoop: “My head is significantly smaller.”
  • 1:46:18 — Mcswiggins’ favorite moment: “the mutual moment where we were both like, fuck that thing and wherever it came from. And in our own way, sort of teamed up against it.” Snoop praises the maneuver where Mcswiggins “got up around his neck to distract him.” (This is a generous retelling of the failed mount.) Arbiter: “Great tag team.”
  • 1:47:38 Snoop’s parting message to the Acolytes (in-character register): “fucking stop with the farting. It’s disgusting… Most of you just do not need to be eating nachos, and the cheese is really ruining your digestive system.”

Out of character — creator notes

  • 1:42:26 — The Aeorian Reverser. Drew found it on D&D Beyond that day while looking through monsters, because “Reverser” sounds like a wrestler name. It’s from Explorer’s Guide to Wildemount. Its stat details as read: a large monstrosity created by experimentation; doesn’t age; lusts for violence and attacks any creature it sees, but never harms its own kind; perfect recall of its life. It has magic resistance and a bite/claw multiattack. Its reversal reaction cancels healing within 30 ft and deals force damage instead. Bec: “It reverses you inside out”; “God of War on these creatures.” Robot: “Where the fuck is Aeoria?” Rob: “would have been pretty sweet if I could ride it.”
  • Robot is learning D&D Beyond as he plays this character (“I don’t know what this character does, I’ll be honest”).
  • Plugs: RunawayRobot_ (Twitter runawayrobot_) is a hireable DM. bonus_stage_rob (“your cool bisexual vacation dad,” Twitter/Twitch/Instagram bonus_stage_rob) is a writer, producer, TTRPG personality and GM with a “say yes” mentality (Pathfinder, Monster of the Week). Rob and Robot have played together before (“so glad you could play with me again”).

Who and what appears

Characters

Snoop (RunawayRobot_). A short adventurer, about 4’6½”, who wears heeled Italian leather shoes to look taller.

  • Mushrooms: he arrived high on magic mushrooms kept in Dog’s saddlebag. Purple ones make you happy; red ones cause a “blood frenzy” and he takes them before fights. He ate a red one before Fury of the Small.
  • Fighting style: a Drakewarden-style rider who mounts Dog. Spear, shield (Shield Master shove), invisibility (a trait, not a spell), favored foe, Fury of the Small, Mounted Combatant.
  • Personality: laid-back, friendly, voice gets higher when angry. Calls himself “the non-winners,” not losers. Recommends pets for mental health. Mixes up “Doug” and “Dog.”
  • Lore: “I’ve been down this alley before” with a Box of Chaos, and “the last one I saw didn’t talk.”
  • In this episode: befriended Gerald, gained and lost two lions, saved Dog with his hero point, killed the Aeorian Reverser, and shoved Mcswiggins into the hole with the “long live the king” line. The Arbiter bet on him.

Dog (RunawayRobot_). Snoop’s “dragon dog,” a scaly silver dragon drake companion that says “woof.” It bites ankles, breathes a cone of lightning, can be ridden, and can be clapped back to Snoop’s side. Two natural 20s; “the real MVP.” Snoop calls him “the backbone of this partnership.” Everyone else insists he is not a dog.

Ulfgar Greyblade / “Mcswiggins, the Everthirsty” (bonus_stage_rob). A broad dwarf, about 4’8”, a barbarian with warlock (Hexblade) abilities.

  • Titles: “the toughest son of a bitch in Drakboldor [?], and the pride of the drunken master.”
  • Name: he insists he goes by Mcswiggins. The sign-up said Ulfgar; the Arbiter blames friends signing people up.
  • Gear and powers:
    • Greataxe holding ancestral protectors he invokes as “Jamison, Johnny, and Jack.”
    • An enchanted, endlessly refilling flask.
    • Mage Slayer (“Mage Bane”), Eldritch Smite, Hexblade’s Curse.
    • Beer-colored ice tomb (“tomb of Lastavus”).
  • Personality: drunk and confused; at home in fart air (“born in them”). Pees on the arena wall and into the hole. “Eat, drink, be merry”; treats his mental health with drink. Thought Gerald was “Greg.” Loves “the men of Italy,” a band of mustached bards.
  • In this episode:
    • Got a lion barrier tattoo from Gerald.
    • Sucker-punched Snoop during a handshake.
    • Tried to ride the Reverser and was thrown.
    • Fell into the abyss.
    • In Dried Blood, the Arbiter caught him with a plunger and took him to his lair, “I’m going to have a use for you very soon.”

Gerald (Drew). The creature in the Box of Chaos: yellow eyes, shadowy claws.

  • Talks.
  • Ate both bags of Snoop’s mushrooms, and his eyes turned to yellow spirals.
  • Rummages through a cluttered box interior.
  • Gave the golden lions, then ate one.
  • Defends himself: “It could have been anybody’s lion”; “Lions can either be ferocious or they can fit in your pocket.”
  • Left mid-buzz.

The golden lions. A pair of figurine-of-wondrous-power lions. One was slam-dunked into the box and eaten. The other, the “busted lion”/“cat,” missed repeatedly, drank the melted beer, rolled a natural 1, and was retired by the Grandmaster to sit beside Doug, where it fell asleep drunk.

The Aeorian Reverser. Summoned out of the lost plane’s hole. It nearly crit Dog, threw Mcswiggins, and was killed by Snoop.

Doug the Pug (Bec). Sits beside the Grandmaster on a fluffy pillow and pedestal and rolls a green plushy D20 when the Arbiter rolls badly. He “glows with ethereal ability”; his chair floats higher than the Arbiter’s head. He nursed the retired lion. Snoop calls him a “non-dog” and a “very cute lizard”; the Arbiter says Doug “rolled like shit” last week.

The Arbiter (Drew).

  • Wears dead men’s shoes: “Italian leather” tap-like shoes, then corpse sandals; a fine collection of shoes from all the people he’s killed.
  • Hit Mcswiggins with a metal chair.
  • Bet on Snoop.
  • Enforces “this is not a toilet… we have HR.”
  • Plunged into the abyss, and in Dried Blood took Mcswiggins to his lair.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec).

  • Throne room in the Dread Fortress; very large bedazzled crown.
  • Declared Tuesday screaming night and made the shoe rule (“insurance”).
  • Chose the lost plane, chaired Snoop, and retired the lion.
  • “She makes the rules.”
  • Flew Snoop up to the cheering Acolytes.

The Acolytes. Their farts sink into the arena. They chose fish, beer, Doritos/cheese, peanut and chili farts. Front-row ponchos.

Places

  • The Dread Fortress: halls with servants and goblins; the Grandmaster’s throne room.
  • The lost plane (“for those things that are lost”; “the arena of lost farts”):
    • Membrane/testicle-like ground with vines; S-curved walls with shimmering empty shelves.
    • Potions and carvings appear when reality shifts.
    • A giant hole leads into a dark abyss, falling “through space and time, what feels like forever” (“the abyss of the forgotten”). It’s called a toilet.
  • The Arbiter’s lair (Dried Blood): reached by portal.
  • Drakboldor [?]: Mcswiggins’ home turf.

Items

  • The golden lion figurines; Mcswiggins’ lion barrier tattoo.
  • The metal chairs.
  • Snoop’s purple and red mushrooms; heeled Italian leather shoes.
  • The Arbiter’s metal-soled “Italian leather” shoes, corpse sandals, and plunger.
  • Mcswiggins’ refilling flask; Doug’s green plushy D20.

Lore statements

  • The arena can be a lost plane where lost and forgotten things gather and can appear.
  • Gerald can talk, eats, gets high, and can choose to leave.
  • The Arbiter places bets on champions.

Quotes by character

Snoop

  • 0:04:02 “Hi, I’m Snoop. This is my dragon dog. He’s a silver dragon. He’s pretty cool.”
  • 0:05:17 “There were some magic mushrooms on the way in. So, like, incredibly. I’m really not sure where I am right now.”
  • 0:08:28 “The red ones, though, so I take those right before a fight… I think he calls it a blood frenzy?”
  • 0:14:45 “Dogs are scaly. Why do I feel like the crazy person here?”
  • 0:18:26 “Wait, you can talk. Oh, the last one I saw didn’t talk. Do you want some mushrooms?”
  • 0:32:14 “Because I’m very short and it’s all I can see.” (speaker ID 06, contextually Snoop; uncertain)
  • 0:46:49 “Fuck you, dude. I’m gonna fucking stab you.”
  • 1:02:20 “You’re gonna be my favorite enemy for a while.”
  • 1:08:41 “Gerald, what the fuck, dude? You gave me two defective lions, and he got a sick tattoo!”
  • 1:15:10 “You’re goddamn right I’m taking the damage for Dog… Dog, go on without me.”
  • 1:18:10 “All right, Mcswiggins, fuck this dude, and we can finish our fight later. This is some bullshit.”
  • 1:31:49 “Long live the king!”

Mcswiggins / Ulfgar Greyblade

  • 0:06:05 “Ulfgar Greyblade. You may know me as Mcswiggins, the Everthirsty, the toughest son of a bitch in Drakboldor, and the pride of the drunken master.”
  • 0:10:18 “I’m fighting two people? That hardly seems fair.”
  • 0:22:31 “Oh, hear me, Jamison, Johnny, and Jack. I call upon you, we’re on the attack.”
  • 0:23:40 “I know Italian leather anywhere. Come here, you chair-wielding menace!”
  • 0:44:22 “Gotcha. They said to the death.”
  • 0:49:36 “I can hear him! My god, I will never stop hearing him! But I can’t see him!”
  • 0:54:01 “You merely adopted the farts. I was born in them. Molded by them.”
  • 0:59:49 “My mental health is just fine. I’ve got drink for that.”
  • 1:01:15 “The men of Italy. I love that band. They’re bards and they all have magnificent mustaches.”
  • 1:23:23 “Hold my flask. I’m going to go rock a piss into that hole.”
  • 1:33:40 “I have to go down at least. I’m taking one of the fighters with me.”
  • 1:34:24 “I peed so far, and fought so hard, and in the end, it was fucking awesome. I’m at peace.”

Gerald

  • 0:18:22 “Why does this place look like a testicle?” (speaker ID 04; attributed to Gerald from context)
  • 0:24:07 “My name’s Gerald.”
  • 0:39:56 “I didn’t know it was your lion. It could have been anybody’s lion.” (ID 04, speaker uncertain, likely Drew as Gerald)
  • 1:08:49 “Hey, hey, hey, man. You’re kinda harsh on my buzz.”
  • 1:09:17 “Lions can either be ferocious or they can fit in your pocket. You can’t have both.”

The Arbiter

  • 0:01:39 “I was assured by the man I took them from that these were Italian leather.”
  • 0:03:17 “I have a fine collection of shoes from all the people I’ve killed.”
  • 0:08:11 “This is what happens when you put out a general call for people to fight to the death.”
  • 0:15:54 “There are ponchos underneath your seats for those of you in the front row. Mind the splash zone.”
  • 0:59:02 “Snoop, you’re an honorable fighter and I like that… I’ve placed bets on you.”
  • 1:01:05 “The men of Italy like to be heard when they enter a room. It’s a status thing.”
  • 1:10:37 “We don’t make the rules, we just enforce them. And we also make them.”
  • 1:28:35 “This is an informal fight to the death, but… this is not a toilet… We have HR.”
  • 1:35:26 “Someday I’m gonna… you’re gonna clean the fucking toilets.”
  • 1:41:52 “Is she hot?” (Dried Blood)
  • 1:41:58 “You stay right there. I’m going to have a use for you very soon.” (Dried Blood)

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

  • 0:01:07 “Where have you been? I thought you’d never arrive… Are you wearing tap shoes?”
  • 0:02:17 “He’s a liar. He’s a dead liar, but he’s a liar.”
  • 0:12:20 “Lost plane for those things that are lost. But even here, they can be hard to find.”
  • 0:13:58 “Welcome to the arena of lost farts.”
  • 0:33:22 “Doug is our high roller. So every time the Arbiter fails us, Doug’s here to save the day.”
  • 0:34:13 “If you die before using it, I’ll kill you again.”
  • 1:00:35 “This is like secondhand lions… This one needs to be retired.”
  • 1:08:08 “I am taking this lion out… I am going to put it out in a nice place where it can retire happily.”
  • 1:12:47 “Enough! Begin the summoning, Arbiter! You have hit the threshold!”
  • 1:17:59 “A hero point for the animals!”
  • 1:35:13 “As you fall, spiraling into the abyss of the forgotten. Arbiter, clean up that mess.”
  • 1:46:05 “You can have a crown, but it just won’t be as big as mine.” (Dried Blood)

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