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S2E16, Pub Brawl - Broose Scorchtail v Dewdrop Grizzlebee

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tagsepisode, season-2

40 min read

Champions and playersswoleinitiativenetwork as Broose Scorchtail; TheShortNord as Dewdrop Grizzlebee
ResultBroose Scorchtail (Dewdrop drowns in beer after Broose’s bracing attack)
Arenathe Grandmaster’s brewery in the Dread Fortress (giant brewing tanks, barrel stacks, walkways 30 ft up, open transparent sky with the Acolytes above)
HostsCaustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer) and Mudcat (narration, the Arbiter)
WatchYouTube

What happens

Opening: the Grandmaster’s new hobby

  1. 0:00:00 Show intro narration. The heat of the lava contrasts with the cold stone inside the Dread Fortress. The Arbiter walks down a long corridor and hears clanking and banging metal coming from around a corner.
  2. 0:00:38 The Grandmaster calls him in: “Oh, good. You’re here. Get in here.” A storage space is now filled with giant steel tanks. She is sitting on the floor among piles of wheat, pipes and scattered papers: “I think I got all the wrong things.”
  3. 0:01:13 She explains that she is expanding into “another little hobby of a side business” by starting a brewery. She ordered a “brew kit” and suspects she got “the knockoff version.”
  4. 0:01:34 The brewery she forgot. The Arbiter reminds her that the Dread Fortress already has a brewery from the last time she wanted a side business. It was “last fall sometime,” and they built it downstairs below the kitchen. She asks if she named it. He doesn’t think so: “I think you lost interest somewhere around the second or third day.” It has been “fully operational the entire time.”
  5. 0:02:43 She vows: “This will not be a hobby that I give up.” The Arbiter suggests they take a break, do a deathmatch, “watch people die,” and come back with fresh minds. She agrees that switching between hobbies gets “the creative juices” going. She calls the arena, D20 Deathmatch, “my first hobby and wonderful business that has succeeded.”
  6. 0:03:25 The Arbiter: “worthy is always subjective… we’ve had our shares of… surprises.” He rips open a portal and announces the match: Broose Scorchtail versus Dewdrop Grizzlebee.

The champions

  1. 0:04:04 Broose greets the room (“How you going guys?”). He is here “for some R&R,” wearing “me nice poncho… for me holidays.” He is “a Herongorn [Harengon?] and I like fire a lot.” The Arbiter: “You and I have that in common. I also like fire.”
  2. 0:04:37 Broose looks at his opponent: “What is this?” The Arbiter: “You’re going to fight this fairy to the death.” The Arbiter insists he told Broose, and that Broose signed the documents. The Grandmaster sweetens the deal: he can use fire all he wants and prove himself. Broose: “Yeah, all right. Yeah, I’m game.” The GM: “Well, you’re easygoing.”
  3. 0:05:10 Dewdrop has been “studying quite a bit of the melee tactics that are expected of me.” He pronounces it “M’lee, M’lay… It’s pronounced differently in different languages.” The GM: “If you’ve only ever read it, you could pronounce it however you want.”
  4. 0:05:40 Dewdrop: “I’m here to fisticuffs with a rabbit.” Broose: “Take a guy out for a drink first, alright?” Dewdrop would actually like that, “but apparently there are rules, which I’ve jotted down and I have some thoughts on.”
  5. 0:06:01 The party poncho. It is pink, says “PARTY ON” on the front, and has purple ghost flames in the background. The GM: “One of a kind.” The Arbiter points out that it will be hard for them to go out afterwards, since one of them is about to die. Broose: “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, right?”
  6. 0:06:46 The Arbiter: “Maybe we should take him to get a drink.” “Arbiter, are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “I think that I am thinking exactly what you’re thinking, Grandmaster.”

The arena: the forgotten brewery

  1. 0:07:02 The Arbiter opens a portal, and out comes the stench of wheat, barley and grain. This is the brewery she had started. Her eyes open “as if… visiting a dream.” Everyone breathes in, and the air is warm and delicious: “Clearly, something is delightful and brewing very well.” The drinks aren’t ready yet: “Perhaps we’ll be able to bottle some by the end of this fight.”
  2. 0:08:00 The layout. Intricate pathways run around the barrels. The tanks are 30 feet tall, with a walkway on top and openings to peek in at the brewing batch, or to “take a small swift [swig?]… or maybe take a small dive.” Her warning: “I do hope to actually make a business out of this, so don’t ruin any of my batches.”
  3. 0:08:46 The Grandmaster’s charge. She is turning her brewery into an entertainment space, “drinks and a show, which is ultimately how I’m trying to expand my hospitality business.” She wants “amber drinks and blood flowing alongside each other.”
  4. 0:09:00 The space has no ceiling, only an open and transparent sky. The crowds of Acolytes cheering above have already summoned multiple chaotic events. She takes her seat next to Doug the Pug.
  5. 0:11:00 Placement. The champions start about 80 ft apart with no full line of sight, separated by a large drop of stored barrels for the Grandmaster’s ale. Initiative: Broose 26, Dewdrop 11. The GM to Broose: “Don’t let your tail get on fire.”

Opening chaos events (0:12:00)

  1. Both roll d20, and Dewdrop doubles his. Dewdrop says he is “a reader. I don’t do well in math.” The totals are Dewdrop 9 and Broose 2.
  2. 0:12:38 The bouncy castle floor (Dewdrop’s 9). The tiled floor gives way and rises, and the brewery floor becomes a bouncy castle for two rounds. Movement is halved and jump height doubled. Attacking from the air gives advantage; attacking from the ground gives disadvantage.
  3. 0:14:23 The mushrooms (Broose’s 2). Little mushrooms sprout along the high tops of the tanks. “It’s not mold. I don’t have mold growing in my brewery.” They may be good or bad. The GM: “No one call the health inspector.” Broose calls it a “Bounce house brewery,” which is incredible: “Party on, mate.” Dewdrop: “This is definitely not up to code. This is irregular at best.” The GM: “We don’t need any of that attitude from you, Dewdrop.”

Round 1

  1. 0:15:35 Broose casts Druidcraft and grows a carrot out of the ground. He chews on it: “This is a lot, guys.” He is six foot three. He rabbit-hops on the bouncy floor and rockets up 30 ft onto the tank walkway, landing beautifully. He takes the carrot out of his mouth: “How you going, mate? I mean, what’s up, doc?” Drew is glad the accent is “very different” from Bugs Bunny, “so this is not copyright infringement.”
  2. 0:18:35 Dewdrop writes down everything he sees (barley, wheat, hops, “and speaking of hops…”). “I would like to conduct research by stabbing you. I heard that’s why we’re here.” He jumps on the bouncy floor and steadies himself with his wings. He can’t fly in his heavy armor. The GM: “if you ever want to strip naked and go for it, you can.”
  3. 0:20:26 Dewdrop’s look: “an old, like, red-haired, out-of-shape man with, like, a monk haircut… Very retired Boston cop look.” The GM: “some people enjoy seeing the wrinkles… There’s no shame.”
  4. 0:19:38 “Sir Rabbit, I am so sorry to do this, but I must damage you in order to learn more of this wonderful couple we call the Arbiter and the Grandmaster. I’ve been studying them for ages.” His crossbow misses, and so does a thrown dagger, even with advantage (“16, 15, 16, 15”). Broose: “That last one was all poncho.” In midair Dewdrop corrects his angle: “Pythagorean theorem, that’s a word.” He calls Broose “carrot boy. The carrot kid.” Broose: “If you don’t come up here, I can’t get you a drink. So, like, clock’s ticking, mate.”

Gerald arrives (0:22:17)

  1. The Acolytes summon Gerald, the Box of Chaos. He drops north of Dewdrop as a pink and purple pillar of fire shoots into the sky. A dark shadowy figure crawls out of the lid and peers over the edge with his claws. He stays on the field.
  2. 0:22:51 The crowd grants both champions hero points and chants “Broose! Broose!” and “Dewdrop! Dewdrop!” Broose: “Who’s Brewdrop?” Dewdrop: “That’s me, you big-eared fool. You, you hair. You dummy. You rube.” Broose: “Ow, that last one hurt, mate.” Dewdrop: “I read Melee for Dummies, and I’m gonna put it to use.”

Round 2

  1. 0:24:25 The GM: you must have very good eyesight from eating carrots. Broose: “I guess I wouldn’t know what it’s like to not have my eyes.”
  2. 0:25:16 The haste mushroom. Broose wanders to a “mushy” and gives it a nice slobbery lick. Rolling a 6 gives him haste for his next turn (“haste from your taste”). “Crikey, Dewdrop, get on these, mate. These are fucking ripper.” Dewdrop: “I don’t partake in psychedelics, you silly rabbit… Those tricks are for kids.”
  3. 0:27:00 Broose does a running cartwheel and handspring off a tank (acrobatics 21, “10 out of 10”), sails through the air and lands perfectly in front of Gerald.
  4. 0:28:14 The free school supplies. Interacting with Gerald is free, “like when you go to the fair and you do all the free things first.” Gerald gives Broose a free ruler and pencil “for the school year,” eyeing Dewdrop, “the academic,” who might want a free notebook and folder.
  5. 0:29:15 (speaker uncertain; probably Gerald, voiced by Drew) “Well, what do you have? I don’t have all day.” Broose: “I want you to come party, mate. You gonna come party?” Gerald: “What’s in it for me?”
  6. 0:29:28 The flaming carrot. Broose summons his Wildfire Spirit, a giant flaming carrot. “It’s fire that looks like a carrot, not carrot that looks like fire.” Gerald sucks the spectral carrot into the box. The lid slams and flips open, and fire shoots up without heat. Out floats an alchemy jug that starts with one gallon of honey. The GM: “It’s not the liquid that I thought it would be.”
  7. 0:32:13 The honey. Broose holds the jug up and chugs, tapping “me little foot.” The Arbiter: “That’s honey straight from our bee farm… We use it in our honey mead.” The GM: “We have two of the best bee farmers that are out there.” She adds that local honey helps allergies.
  8. 0:33:03 The bee debate. Broose: “I just go straight to the source and eat the bees?” The GM: “The honey is not inside the bees. They make it.” Broose: “No, but then how does it get in the hive if it’s not in the bee?” The GM: “That’s a science lesson that if you survive, we might bother trying… It’s magic.” Dewdrop: “It’s magic.”
  9. 0:33:58 The honey is too sticky to swallow and Broose struggles to breathe. It gets everywhere: his fur, his swords, everything. He has disadvantage on his next attack. He pulls at his fur and a chunk comes away in his hand.
  10. 0:34:52 Dewdrop runs, dashes and leaps for an aerial attack: “Ah, hello, you little honeyed hair. And I’m going to cover you with more than that. It’ll be a sword.” He admits, “I only read melee tactics, not the banter part. I haven’t read that chapter yet.” Broose: “Grandmaster, I’m feeling uncomfortable right now.” Dewdrop tries again: “I’m gonna stab you.” The GM: “Better… straightforward.”
  11. 0:36:35 Dewdrop’s longsword slows in the honey and sticks in Broose’s fur. It doesn’t hurt. Broose reacts by throwing the free pencil and ruler at him: a glancing blow, half damage, 4 points. Drew: “you’re John Wicking this.” Broose: “This is a horrible misuse of school supplies.” “I suggest you come back more measured. I’ll measure you.” Dewdrop’s strength save (27) rips the longsword free, along with a little fur.
  12. 0:38:36 Dewdrop’s short sword attack is a nat 1. The short sword is lost in the honey and stays stuck to Broose’s fur. The GM: “I’m sorry, but you’re a loser.” Dewdrop: “Literacy has failed me.” The GM: “It’s not personal. You’re just not good.” The Arbiter: “The books didn’t prepare you for the honey-covered opponent.”
  13. 0:39:08 Dewdrop’s training. The GM: “Did you get a grant for your studies? Because I think it’s about to be revoked.” Dewdrop: “I paid a man a lot of gold to train me, and he gave me some books.” The GM: “Maybe you should have done an internship instead.” Dewdrop: “I wanted to fast track my melee skills.” The Arbiter: “is that pathetic attempt an attack over?” “I have expended all my energy for this moment.”
  14. 0:40:01 End of round 2. The bouncy floor hardens back into tile.

Round 3

  1. 0:40:35 Broose: “I’ve got a sword stuck on me but not in me. Which is preferable.” He uses the honey on his feet to walk up the wall to the top (“You are now a wall walker”). “How you going, mate? You’re having a rough one today.” Dewdrop: “I’ll get you, you rabbit. You silly trickster.”
  2. 0:41:39 Broose’s gentle poke is a nat 1, the third nat 1 in a row. Honey in his eyes, he walks forward off the edge, but the honey holds him to the wall. He is still within reach.
  3. 0:42:56 The jug changes to poison. It now holds half an ounce of basic poison. Broose dances it along his sword (“nice green glow”) and pokes. It hits for 13 (slashing plus poison), the first real damage of the fight. Dewdrop: “I read that the louder you yell your attack, the more ferocious it is.” He notes he was already hurt by the pen: “the one thing I can believe in, betrayed by my own tools.” The GM: “You can pull the pen out… Covered in your own blood.” Broose: “See, that’s how you poke.” Dewdrop: “Write that down.”
  4. 0:45:01 Dewdrop’s sacrifice. “My practical means I’m not getting any better, so let’s try this magic box… my fine Gerald of the box.” Gerald (Drew, inferred): “Don’t bullshit me, just give me shit.” Dewdrop hands over the notebook he writes everything in. “I clearly cannot learn from just paper alone. I need something to help me kill this gigantic rabbit.” The Arbiter: “you’re giving up something extremely valuable to your fighting style.” The GM: “This is who you are.”
  5. 0:46:18 The box slams and flames shoot up. A potion of speed floats into Dewdrop’s hand and he downs it immediately: “I don’t even care what it is. Clearly this is the power of champions.” He is hasted. “Thank you, Gerald of the Box.”
  6. 0:47:04 “I’m gonna make this big rabbit just a little bit less big.” He casts Reduce. The GM thought he meant cutting off Broose’s ankles. Dewdrop: “I’m a man of science, clearly not of the sword.” Broose resists; only his poncho gets a little snug, as if shrunk in the wash. Broose: “This is wool. I can’t get it wet.”
  7. 0:48:39 End of round 3. Doug gruffs and growls at the Arbiter. The Arbiter sticks his tongue out at Doug, and Doug sticks his out back, “though for a pug, it was already kind of out… The tip of it’s dry and kind of gross.”

Round 4

  1. 0:49:19 Salt water. The jug now holds 12 gallons of salt water (“Maximum jugs.” “Those are some nice jugs he got there.”). The GM: “Can you summon a whale?” Broose to “my friend Jerry” [Gerald]: “How you going, mate? You still here?” Gerald: “Yeah, what do you want?” Broose pours the salt water into the box. Gerald: “What are you doing? Stop it.” Drew: “He’s gonna give you a magic item just to get you to go away.” The GM: “Saltwater pools are very popular.”
  2. 0:50:51 A splash of ocean mist rises “like Little Mermaid” behind Gerald, and a potion of mind control floats out. The Grandmaster turns to the Arbiter: “You know, mind control doesn’t work on me because I have brain control.” Arbiter: “why exactly are we talking about this?” “No reason.”
  3. 0:51:58 Broose has already drunk it before the rules are finished. The Arbiter: “Do the two of you not, like, read any labels?” GM: “It’s a brewery.” Broose: “I’m on me holidays.”
  4. 0:52:21 Dominate Person. Woozy, Broose reaches out with his mind: “Are you a person?” Dewdrop: “Yeah, I’m a person. I’m alive. I’m a real fairy.” “I will cast dominate fairy person.” The GM: “This only works because fairies are real. Everyone, if you believe in fairies, clap.” Dewdrop uses Indomitable to reroll and rolls lower. He is charmed.
  5. 0:54:07 Broose: “So many options. I didn’t really think this far.” The GM suggests he make Dewdrop drink anything. Broose looks down at his empty jug and hangs his head sadly. He walks away, leaving honey footprints.
  6. 0:55:37 Dewdrop thinks. He spends his turn thinking: “Bruce is actually a pretty nice rabbit, but I came here trying to break the stigma that, you know, people of science can’t throw down. And well, I’ve kind of failed.” He climbs a ladder. His wisdom save with advantage succeeds, and the warm feeling toward Broose fades. “That Trixie Rabbit.” Broose: “It looks like after that thinking… your nose is bleeding a little bit.” Dewdrop: “I’m gonna make like a magician and make you disappear. I promise. I swear. By science.” He reaches the top.
  7. 0:57:54 The slowing mushroom. “Science be damned. Psychedelics, let’s do this.” He eats a mushroom, rolls a 5 and is slowed for one turn, cancelling his haste: “a little more normal.” Dewdrop: “That’s all I’ve ever wanted to be.” He contemplates giving up his diary to be fast, only to lose it. The GM: “You really just hurt yourself every step of the way.”
  8. 0:59:18 The GM calls a 10-minute break and tells the Acolytes to get fresh brews from the tap to support her hospitality business. (The break is cut.)

After the break, Round 5

  1. 0:59:35 The Arbiter: “a fierce battle of honey and salt water and… some nerd with his notes.” The GM notes Broose is still unharmed, apart from missing tufts of fur and a sword stuck to him.
  2. 1:00:13 The tortoise. Dewdrop: “Just remember the tortoise won the race, okay?… I’m kind of tortoise-shaped fairy, very bulbous.” The GM: “You’ve got a green shirt on, that counts.” Broose: “I’ve never met a turtle fairy.” The GM: “any creature can exist… You can be a turtle fairy if you’d like.” Broose: “We believe.” The GM: “I believe in turtle fairies.” The table can’t count rounds.
  3. 1:01:31 Moonbeam. Broose: “me mate up there is pretty hard to see.” He casts Moonbeam, which shines down through the Acolytes and spotlights Dewdrop. Dewdrop saves (21). The lines at 1:02:38 are mixed; probably Broose says “I just wanted to turn the lights on” and Dewdrop replies “All right, thanks. Things are coming up dewy. Good old Dewdrop.” The GM: “Don’t trust the moonlight.” Dewdrop: “I can’t fight the moonlight.” The Arbiter: “Not with that attitude.”
  4. 1:03:05 The sword returned. Broose rips Dewdrop’s stuck short sword off his side and tosses it up. The attack misses, but the sword lands at Dewdrop’s feet, with “a chunk of white fur stuck to the side of the blade,” covered in honey.

Round 6

  1. 1:05:09 Dewdrop: “If fine motor skills can’t get the job done, let’s let gravity do its work.” He leaps off and plummets: “There is nothing acrobatic about this body… Flap hard, eternal fairy. It may be a small muscle, but it’s all muscle.” His wings let him coast right to Broose’s face, attacking with advantage plus fall damage. He double stabs with the longsword and the picked-up short sword. Broose: “I’m glad you put it that way.”
  2. 1:06:16 One of his dice is another nat 1 (the Arbiter: “You gotta be shitting me, Mike”). The other is 23, his first real hit in “an hour and 17 minutes.” (“Will Wheaton?”) Broose parries with a superiority die (“Super bunny parry”; Dewdrop: “General Grievous over here”; the GM imagines Broose chopping through a giant carrot) and takes only 2.
  3. 1:08:37 The short sword: “This one’s got the hair on it. I’m return to sender, baby.” It hits for 10.
  4. 1:09:04 The psionic strike. “I’m gonna use my psionic strike using my big brain.” A mental dagger flies from his “little fairy brain.” He is “basically just a Psyduck in a fairy’s body.” The GM: are you a turtle unicorn fairy? “I am.” It misses.
  5. 1:10:15 The Grandmaster’s bless. “For the amount of studying that you’ve done, I figured something would have stuck.” She grants Dewdrop bless: “Use that stupid brain of yours. Come on.” Dewdrop: “You got it, Grandmaster. I will not fail you. I will not be a failure.” He starts to sob. GM: “a little tough love. I’m sure his mentor did the same thing.” Dewdrop: “Dad?” GM: “no one gets through grad school without crying at least once or twice.”

The Arbiter turns back time

  1. 1:11:08 “Round number seven! If you could, like, kill him this time, that’d be great, because I’m actually out of round cards.” The GM: “Do you have time magic, Arbiter? Just pretend that you had gone back.” Arbiter: “You know what, I could just turn back time… Round number one!” Broose: “do over.” Dewdrop: “Is this a Groundhog Day situation?” The GM: “I’ve been here before.” (The table calls the following rounds the “new” round 1, 3 and 4.)

New Round 1

  1. 1:11:49 Broose does fancy figure eights with his scimitar and walks forward. The Arbiter: “Bruce’s attacks are less swings and just more him running into stuff with the pointy end out.” Another nat 1. The jug is now leaking oil, so he slips and falls prone. The GM: “your little scorch tail is a little sore.”
  2. 1:13:01 Broose gets up: “Sorry mate, but someone’s got to deliver the eggs next year.” GM: “You’re planning in advance.” “Easter’s no joke.” GM: “This is probably the most important holiday.” He misses.
  3. 1:13:27 The Arbiter’s bless. “Grandmaster, these guys are pathetic.” The Arbiter grants Broose bless. The GM: “Honestly, it’s needed.”
  4. 1:13:47 Thorn Whip. Broose spends his hero point on Action Surge. He bunny-hops 15 ft and casts Thorn Whip: “a vine that’s covered in just carrots that are poking out that dig into you.” The GM: “Death of a thousand carrots.” It hits (with bless). Dewdrop raises a psionic protective field, and “you’ll see my receding hairline recede just a little bit more.” The GM: “There’s always a cost to knowledge.” Dewdrop takes 1 point.
  5. 1:16:25 The t-ball swing. The vine drags Dewdrop 10 ft closer. Broose readies a bracing attack and holds his sword like a baseball bat. Dewdrop: “I’m a boldest [bulbous?] little fairy.” The GM: like t-ball with the ball on a string. It hits for 13.
  6. 1:18:48 Faerie Fire and the insult. Dewdrop: “You’ve really messed up now, you big furry idiot.” His hair recedes more as he casts Faerie Fire. He flavors it as light shining out of him from the bat hit, “Like Pixie does.” It has no effect on Broose. The GM rules on the insult: Dewdrop’s persuasion (16) against Broose’s insight (21). “You ain’t no idiot.” Broose: “This just sounds like you’re compensating… I don’t think you’re a good example for other turtle fairies out there.” Dewdrop: “Well, you’re going to be coming dead.” Broose: “That’s a syntax error.” Dewdrop: “I’m the smart one. You shut up.”
  7. 1:20:15 The barrel. Dewdrop spends his hero point on psionic telekinesis to rip a barrel at Broose “like Magneto.” Broose: “Woodnito.” It misses: the barrel just touches Broose’s butt, and he can take a comfortable seat. Dewdrop loses more hair and uses Second Wind. Broose: “Mate, it seems like that hair is finite.” The GM: “You just have like one headband of hair left.”

The Arbiter’s chaos event: the beer flood (1:22:32)

  1. The GM says the Arbiter (“Mudcat”) now has enough for his own chaotic event. Arbiter: “this is getting pathetic.” He flies down, manifests an axe and says “Let’s see how you do with a little bit of liquid courage.” He swings the axe into one of the Grandmaster’s tanks. Beer sprays across the floor “like a beautiful amber fountain.”
  2. 1:23:17 The Grandmaster raises her glass: “Please pour one out for the battle that has not yet begun.” She dumps her drink, purposely trying to splash it on the Acolytes’ foreheads.
  3. 1:24:08 The beer spray hits both with force damage; Broose takes half. The GM: “These tanks are mine and you roll a measly 10?… My arena is dangerous. Show them how dangerous it is.” The Arbiter rerolls.
  4. 1:23:37 The Arbiter breaks open all the other vats, and the beer rises from ankles to knees and keeps rising. Each round both make a Constitution save or lose 2 AC as the beer seeps into their skin “through osmosis” and they get drunker from drowning in beer and its fumes. Both fail the first save. The Arbiter flies back up with his axe and scoops a mug of beer on the way. The GM (1:25:26): “There shall be fear [beer?] in my arena.”

New Round 3

  1. 1:25:36 Broose goes down and gulps up as much beer as he can, then swings twice. The GM chants “Beer the beer.” The first swing hits for 11. “Yeah, the power of beer, mate.” Dewdrop: “I can’t deal with all these libations just strewn about and I can’t think right.”
  2. 1:26:42 The nat 20. “I kind of trip over my own foot and it just kind of goes straight through the solar plexus and I’m like, oh shit, sorry mate, I didn’t mean to, oh wait, no, this is what we’re doing and then we get to drink.” The crit does 20 slashing.
  3. 1:27:52 Broose Action Surges for two more swings. The GM: “Bring blood. It adds flavor to the beer.” Drew: “I think that’s a health code violation.” Both hit for 9 each. Dewdrop uses “the little hair I have left” for another protective field. The GM: “I feel like we only have like five hairs left on Dewdrop’s head.” Drew: “That’s where all his power comes from.” Broose uses Second Wind: “Full health, mate.”
  4. 1:30:20 Dewdrop: “I read about this chapter of being stabbed… It was a very short chapter.” The GM: “You’ve been m’layed.” Dewdrop: “I have been m’layed. M’lady. M’lady me.”
  5. 1:30:47 The arm-hair dive. Dewdrop uses psi-powered leap for a flying speed (“unrelated to being a fairy, by the way”). He flies 30 ft straight up to fall again, “because gravity seemed to work the last time.” At the zenith he pulls out a bunch of arm hair as his spell component: “If I can’t come from my head, it’ll come from my arm.” His arms are “Robin Williams arms… covered in like red hair.” Broose: “sounds more like you’ve got bear arms.” The GM: “You’re a chimera… bear arms, unicorn horn, turtle body.” Dewdrop: “I’m like an old spud you left outside.” Drew: “Some sort of island of Dr. Moreau shit.”
  6. 1:32:19 The psionic attack hits (11 plus fall). The GM calls it “the most epic and bloody dive that we’ve ever seen yet on this show.” The longsword hits for half damage and the short sword for 7. Dewdrop: “Animal cruelty is not in my repertoire, but I’m trying to make it an exception, but I don’t have the willpower.” Asked if that ends his turn: “I would like a redo on life.” The Arbiter: “no, can’t do it.” The GM: “You probably should have majored in something else.”
  7. 1:34:34 On the Constitution saves, Broose just makes it (“You are one with the beer”). Dewdrop fails and loses 2 more AC. The beer reaches their necks, and their feet lift off the ground. The Arbiter corrects “water” to “beer”: “I don’t water my beer down.” The GM: “This is quality beer.”

New Round 4

  1. 1:36:07 Flame Blade. Broose sheathes his regular sword and pulls a fiery blade from the same place. It hits for 16 fire. The Arbiter warns that the beer will soon make fire ineffective. Broose: “That’s my whole deal.” He holds it high to strike down at Dewdrop’s face, “Right on the bald spot. It’s the whole thing at this point.” GM: “In between the five hairs, they form a nice little crown.”
  2. 1:37:42 As pure flavor, Broose bounces over Dewdrop’s head and singes a little hole in his horseshoe of hair with the fiery blade. Dewdrop: “It was already red, but now it’s burning with the desire to actually kill you, you big hair, ironically. I’ve been battling hair my whole life.” Broose: “It looks like you’ve been losing as well.” “That is also historically accurate.”
  3. 1:39:12 The toupee. The GM suggests a toupee made of Broose’s fur. Dewdrop takes the honey-covered chunk of Broose’s fur from the short sword and puts it on his head: “Wearing you like a hat.” The GM: “Looks very natural.” Broose: “I appreciate that.” Dewdrop: “I don’t think that’s the insult he thinks it is.”
  4. 1:39:45 Dewdrop swings his longsword two-handed and hits for 13. He swings back the other way and hits again (“You’re making waves in this beer”; Broose: “You’re all right, mate. You’re doing good. Calm down.”). The GM: “Melee away.” Dewdrop: “I’m gonna melee the rabbit away.” A psionic strike “with my new hair” misses.
  5. 1:41:25 “You’ve made me really mad now.” He Action Surges for two quick two-handed swipes: one misses and the other is another nat 1. Out of character: “Listen guys, out of game. This sucks.” The Arbiter: “That’s a great use of an action surge there.”

The Acolytes’ chaos event: the thunderstorm (1:42:11)

  1. The GM: “The Acolytes have demanded chaos. They want violence.” The d20 roll is a 5 (“Am I impressed? No, but it does work”). The moon disappears behind dark, ominous clouds, and lightning dances across the sky “like a beautiful electrifying spider web.” Lightning strikes both “thunder twins,” drawn “to the magnetism of both your personalities.” It is a Dex save, “a gift from the acolytes themselves.”
  2. 1:43:55 Broose saves and takes half (11). Dewdrop fails and takes the full 22: “we can see that full fairy turtle bear arm skeleton as it lights up, almost shining through this amber liquid.” Dewdrop: “Oh, problem potato. Potato with wings.”
  3. 1:44:32 Dewdrop: “This is not how I want to go out. Drowning in beer and being electrocuted is literally the worst way a scholar can go out.” Broose: “This is exactly how I wanted to go out. I wanted to take you out and drown in beer. This is what I’ve been trying to do all evening.” GM: “It’s a thing of beauty.” Dewdrop: “You’re a psychopathic rodent.”

Final round (Broose: “For round 97”)

  1. 1:45:31 Broose passes his Constitution save. Dewdrop rolls a nat 1 (“because at this point you just deserve it”) and loses 4 AC. The beer is now well above their heads. Dewdrop: “I’ll tell you what, this beer’s pretty good.”
  2. 1:46:02 The prison shiv. Broose’s flame blade goes out underwater. He picks up his regular sword and “prison shiv[s] him underneath the beer.” “I’ve been trying to get you to do this all night! I just want you to drink.” Both attacks roll 28 and deal 8 slashing each. The GM: “I think the dice have chosen a winner.”
  3. 1:47:20 The toupee thrown back. Dewdrop angrily rips off the fur toupee and shakes it at Broose: “This belongs to you. You keep this. Clearly it’s doing me no favors.” He throws the beer-soaked toupee in Broose’s face and casts his protective field, which only negates 2. GM: “My dude. You’re bad at this.”
  4. 1:48:12 Broose bunny-hops 20 ft back. There is no opportunity attack: “It’s a bunny feature.”
  5. 1:48:38 The drowning grapple. Dewdrop, “barely alive,” swims through the beer at Broose to grapple him and drag him under: “I’ve heard rabbits got small lungs.” He wins the strength contest (18 against 8; Broose’s strength is “negative one”). “Fairy fighting power activate.” Dewdrop will hold him “As long as I can. I feel the lifeblood leaving me.”
  6. 1:50:18 The killing blow. As he’s pulled under, Broose makes a bracing attack with his scimitar. It hits for 6, plus 3 from the superiority die. Dewdrop: “I had one hit point left… Before the superiority die. I’m out.”
  7. 1:51:27 Dewdrop’s death. The Arbiter: “as you float down… into the abyss of this beer.” Dewdrop: “I’d like to just bubble out as I’m drowning in the beer. I knew you were stronger because you had all the hair in the world. And I was jealous.” He bubbly-drowns and hits the bottom with a soft thud. The GM says he doesn’t float because he is all muscle. Dewdrop: “It’s just a potato. It’s a very heavy, dense potato.” The GM: “you had a big meal before this.”
  8. 1:52:35 Clearing the arena. The Arbiter raises a hand, and all the beer recedes back into the tanks, which mend and reform. He grabs Dewdrop’s body, “a little disgusted how hairy your wet forearms are” (“like strips of side grass”), and flies off with it.
  9. 1:53:09 Broose’s drink. The Grandmaster flies down to Broose eye to eye and hands him a fresh cold brew: “Here, you deserve this… You have earned this.” Broose: “Finally! This is what I’ve been waiting for.”
  10. 1:53:34 Broose: Dewdrop was about to pull him down “and we were gonna get drunk together, but he didn’t realize that I was holding me sword at me side. And he just kept going on it. And I was like, stop, mate.” The GM: “Well, we have no place for fools, do we?” Broose: “I’ll lose more friends that way.” The GM: “Well, let me give you some new friends.”
  11. 1:53:57 The toast. She rockets him up to the Acolytes, who all hold amber drinks. “Cheers! Everyone raise your glass to Broose! Our victor for this evening. May your drinks be full and your opponent’s blood ever running. Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”

Dried Blood (after-show)

Mixed. In-character lines are marked (Dried Blood, in character). The rest are creator notes.

  • 1:54:38 Drew opens Dried Blood with TheShortNord and Swole Initiative. He says “Dewdrop Drizzlebee” and adds, “You guys made the hardest names to remember.”
  • 1:54:57 On why there was so little fire for a “Scorchtail”: “everything got wet.” Broose’s tail lights up “if I set it on fire” (in-character banter). The table agrees that everything would be on fire if it was set on fire.
  • 1:55:51 (Dried Blood, in character) Dewdrop: “I like to think of myself as a record breaker. And I’ve broken the record of failing enough times. So in a way, I’ve succeeded in failing.” “Here we are, hairless and covered in beer.”
  • 1:56:20 Drew thinks this may be the record for most nat 1s in a single Deathmatch night. He adds that Dewdrop’s player’s “1-1-1 record on the show is now tarnished” (out of character, about TheShortNord’s prior record). Broose: “At least you’re first at losing, mate.” Dewdrop: “I took first and last. I’m the first loser.”
  • 1:57:09 (Dried Blood, in character) Broose: “because of the poncho, I’m actually quite lithe. If you go for the outsides of the poncho… you just miss, mate.”
  • 1:57:21 (Dried Blood, in character) Melee for Dummies. Each chapter ended with a practical test, and Dewdrop always skipped the tests: “that’s for gym rats.” He found the book at “a magic half-priced books… just laying on the floor.” The author is “Richard Stabbs.” Asked about the publisher: “Sorry.” The GM stops the “line by line argument”: “The Arbiter is not going to be looking for this.”
  • 1:58:43 (Dried Blood, in character) Broose hoped to come away with another drinking friend: “I thought you were just getting it ready and we were just killing time. I didn’t mean to kill a friend.”
  • 1:58:57 (Dried Blood, in character) The Grandmaster’s secret: “I’ll let you in on a secret. No one actually ever dies at the death match.” Dewdrop can come along later, but not to this party: “it ruins the name of it… If they think that, you know, death isn’t really a thing, they don’t always try so hard.” Broose: “Hey, Dewdrop, I’ll see you at the after after party.” The GM: “The afterlife party. Got it. Right, Arbiter?”
  • 1:59:39 (Dried Blood, in character) The Arbiter takes Dewdrop’s head and works his dead body like a puppet (“That’s right!”). The GM: “Don’t pay him any mind, he doesn’t always agree with my policies.”
  • 1:59:55 Dewdrop “retcons” the author to John J. Kilcullen, the real founder of the For Dummies series. Broose claims, in character, “that’s actually my pseudonym. I believe I wrote that book.” Dewdrop: “Well, no wonder you’re better at it than me.” GM: “You taught the teacher.” Dewdrop: “Classic rabbit tomfoolery.” Asked his age, Broose says: “I lost count after three.” (in character; the canon status of the author claims is unclear)
  • 2:00:42 Final words to the Acolytes (in character):
    • Dewdrop: “Whenever you’re studying, remember to be practical about it. Go outside, take a break, lift some weights.”
    • Broose: “Remember kids, only you can prevent rabbit fires.” The GM: “By murdering them, got it.”
  • Drew signs off: “we’ll see you all in the next episode of D20 Deathmatch.”

Who and what appears

Characters

Broose Scorchtail (swoleinitiativenetwork). A 6’3” rabbitfolk (“Herongorn,” likely Harengon) with an Australian accent (“mate,” “crikey,” “ripper,” “how you going”).

  • Look and personality:
    • Wears a pink “PARTY ON” poncho with purple ghost flames, made of wool. Says it makes him “lithe.”
    • White fur. Likes fire. On holiday for “R&R.”
    • Wanted to take his opponent out for a drink, and regrets killing a “friend.”
  • Gear and abilities:
    • Druid magic: Druidcraft (grows a carrot), a Wildfire Spirit shaped as a flaming carrot, Moonbeam, Thorn Whip (vines with carrots), Flame Blade.
    • Martial abilities: longsword/scimitar, superiority dice (parry, bracing attack), Action Surge, Second Wind, Rabbit Hop. His bunny feature means no opportunity attacks when he hops away.
  • In this episode: licked a haste mushroom and drank honey from the alchemy jug, then a potion of mind control, which he used to charm Dewdrop.
  • Jokes about himself:
    • Delivers Easter eggs (“Easter’s no joke”).
    • Claims (Dried Blood) that “John J. Kilcullen” is his pseudonym and that he wrote Melee for Dummies.
    • Lost count of his age “after three.”
  • Won by bracing attack while being drowned. He was given a cold brew by the GM and toasted by the Acolytes.

Dewdrop Grizzlebee (TheShortNord). A fairy scholar: “an old, red-haired, out-of-shape man with a monk haircut… retired Boston cop look.”

  • Body:
    • A receding horseshoe of red hair that recedes further each time he uses psionics, down to “five hairs.”
    • Very hairy “Robin Williams” forearms.
    • Self-described as turtle/tortoise-shaped, a “turtle fairy” and “turtle unicorn fairy,” “a Psyduck in a fairy’s body,” and “a very heavy, dense potato.”
    • Has wings but can’t fly in his heavy armor.
  • Background:
    • Has studied the Arbiter and Grandmaster “for ages.”
    • Learned to fight from Melee for Dummies (pronounces it “M’lee”). He found it on the floor of a “magic half-priced books”; the author is “Richard Stabbs.”
    • He paid a man a lot of gold to train him and got books.
    • Wanted to prove “people of science can throw down.” Is jealous of Broose’s hair.
  • Abilities: crossbow, daggers, longsword, short sword, Reduce, Faerie Fire, psionic strike, psionic protective field, psi-powered leap, telekinesis, Indomitable, Second Wind, Action Surge.
  • In this episode:
    • Gave Gerald his notebook for a potion of speed, then was slowed by a mushroom.
    • Was charmed by Broose and broke free.
    • Was blessed by the Grandmaster. Wore Broose’s fur as a toupee.
    • Rolled a record number of nat 1s. Drowned in beer.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec).

  • Her businesses:
    • Serial hobbyist. Started a brewery below the Dread Fortress kitchen “last fall,” lost interest within days and forgot it, then bought a knockoff brew kit to start another.
    • Calls the arena her first successful hobby and business.
    • Wants to expand her hospitality business: “drinks and a show.” Owns a bee farm with “two of the best bee farmers” whose honey goes into honey mead.
  • In this episode:
    • Claims mind control doesn’t work on her because she has “brain control.”
    • Blessed Dewdrop with “tough love.” Poured her drink on the Acolytes.
  • Dried Blood: “No one actually ever dies at the death match,” kept secret so champions try harder. Says the Arbiter “doesn’t always agree with my policies.”

The Arbiter (Drew).

  • The brewery: reminded the GM of her forgotten brewery, which he says has been “fully operational the entire time.” Says “I don’t water my beer down.”
  • His interventions:
    • Turned back time when he ran out of round cards.
    • Blessed Broose because “these guys are pathetic.”
    • Axed open the brewery tanks to flood the arena with beer, then restored the tanks and drained the beer at the end.
  • Small moments: stuck his tongue out at Doug. Puppeted Dewdrop’s corpse (Dried Blood).

Gerald, the Box of Chaos. Summoned by the Acolytes. A pink-purple pillar of fire and a dark shadowy figure with claws peering over the lid. Rude (“Don’t bullshit me, just give me shit”; “What’s in it for me?”). Called “Jerry” by Broose.

  • Hands out free ruler and pencil “for the school year.”
  • Trades: flaming carrot → alchemy jug; Dewdrop’s notebook → potion of speed; salt water → potion of mind control.

Doug the Pug. Sits beside the Grandmaster. Growls at the Arbiter and sticks out his dry-tipped tongue.

The Acolytes. Watch from the open sky above the brewery. They summon Gerald and a thunderstorm, and toast Broose.

Richard Stabbs. In-world author of Melee for Dummies (per Dewdrop, Dried Blood). Later retconned to John J. Kilcullen.

Places

  • The Dread Fortress brewery (the old one). Built “last fall” downstairs below the kitchen; unnamed. Giant 30-ft tanks with walkways, barrel stacks and ladders, and an open transparent sky with the Acolytes’ stands above. It became the arena.
  • The new brewing room. A former storage space off a corridor in the Dread Fortress, now filled with the GM’s knockoff steel tanks and wheat.
  • The GM’s bee farm. Mentioned only.
  • “A magic half-priced books.” Where Dewdrop found his book.

Items

Lore statements

  • The Grandmaster keeps a brewery and a bee farm, and makes honey mead.
  • The GM says no one ever truly dies in the Deathmatch, and that this is kept secret so champions try (Dried Blood, in character).
  • The Arbiter can turn back time (used for the round count) and can mend and drain the brewery with a gesture.

Quotes by character

Broose Scorchtail

  • 0:04:04 “I’m here for some R&R, right?… I’ve got my nice poncho on for me holidays… I’m a Herongorn and I like fire a lot.”
  • 0:05:40 “Take a guy out for a drink first, alright?”
  • 0:17:52 “How you going, mate? I mean, what’s up, doc?”
  • 0:26:37 “Crikey, Dewdrop, get on these, mate. These are fucking ripper.”
  • 0:29:51 “It’s fire that looks like a carrot, not carrot that looks like fire.”
  • 0:33:45 “No, but then how does it get in the hive if it’s not in the bee?”
  • 0:38:12 “This is a horrible misuse of school supplies… I suggest you come back more measured. I’ll measure you.”
  • 0:52:16 “I’m on me holidays.”
  • 1:13:01 “Sorry mate, but someone’s got to deliver the eggs next year… Easter’s no joke.”
  • 1:27:02 “Oh shit, sorry mate, I didn’t mean to, oh wait, no, this is what we’re doing and then we get to drink.”
  • 1:44:38 “This is exactly how I wanted to go out. I wanted to take you out and drown in beer.”
  • 1:53:28 “Finally! This is what I’ve been waiting for.”
  • 2:01:18 (Dried Blood) “Remember kids, only you can prevent rabbit fires.”

Dewdrop Grizzlebee

  • 0:05:40 “I’m here to fisticuffs with a rabbit.”
  • 0:15:11 “This is definitely not up to code. This is irregular at best.”
  • 0:18:35 “I would like to conduct research by stabbing you. I heard that’s why we’re here.”
  • 0:19:38 “I must damage you in order to learn more of this wonderful couple we call the Arbiter and the Grandmaster. I’ve been studying them for ages.”
  • 0:23:24 “That’s me, you big-eared fool… You rube.”
  • 0:35:22 “I only read melee tactics, not the banter part. I haven’t read that chapter yet.”
  • 0:38:57 “Literacy has failed me.”
  • 0:45:01 “I clearly cannot learn from just paper alone. I need something to help me kill this gigantic rabbit.”
  • 0:57:04 “I’m gonna make like a magician and make you disappear. I promise. I swear. By science.”
  • 0:58:39 “That’s all I’ve ever wanted to be.”
  • 1:09:51 “I’m basically just a Psyduck in a fairy’s body.”
  • 1:34:15 “Animal cruelty is not in my repertoire, but I’m trying to make it an exception, but I don’t have the willpower.”
  • 1:44:32 “Drowning in beer and being electrocuted is literally the worst way a scholar can go out.”
  • 1:51:52 “I knew you were stronger because you had all the hair in the world. And I was jealous.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

  • 0:01:13 “I thought, how hard could it possibly be to start a brewery?”
  • 0:02:43 “This will not be a hobby that I give up.”
  • 0:08:00 “I do hope to actually make a business out of this, so don’t ruin any of my batches.”
  • 0:08:46 “Show me something beautiful so that way we may have amber drinks and blood flowing alongside each other.”
  • 0:14:23 “It’s not mold. I don’t have mold growing in my brewery.”
  • 0:15:09 “No one call the health inspector.”
  • 0:39:00 “It’s not personal. You’re just not good.”
  • 0:51:35 “You know, mind control doesn’t work on me because I have brain control.”
  • 0:52:55 “This only works because fairies are real. Everyone, if you believe in fairies, clap.”
  • 1:10:15 “Use that stupid brain of yours. Come on.”
  • 1:23:17 “Please pour one out for the battle that has not yet begun.”
  • 1:53:51 “Well, we have no place for fools, do we?”
  • 1:53:57 “May your drinks be full and your opponent’s blood ever running.”
  • 1:58:57 (Dried Blood) “I’ll let you in on a secret. No one actually ever dies at the death match.”

The Arbiter

  • 0:01:34 “You know that we already have a brewery in the Dread Fortress, right?”
  • 0:02:05 “I think you lost interest somewhere around the second or third day.”
  • 0:03:25 “Worthy is always subjective.”
  • 0:04:40 “You’re going to fight this fairy to the death.”
  • 0:32:38 “That’s honey straight from our bee farm… We use it in our honey mead.”
  • 0:52:07 “Do the two of you not, like, read any labels?”
  • 1:11:30 “You know what, I could just turn back time… Round number one!”
  • 1:13:27 “Grandmaster, these guys are pathetic.”
  • 1:22:44 “Let’s see how you do with a little bit of liquid courage.”
  • 1:35:42 “I don’t water my beer down.”

Gerald (Drew, inferred)

  • 0:29:15 (speaker uncertain) “Well, what do you have? I don’t have all day.”
  • 0:29:26 “What’s in it for me?”
  • 0:45:01 “Don’t bullshit me, just give me shit.” (embedded in Dewdrop’s turn; inferred to be Gerald)
  • 0:50:21 “What are you doing? Stop it.”

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