S3E15 — Sunday Slam — Belet v Derick


Champions and players	isfridayTV (“Friday”) as Belet; Nat1Fun (“Dan”) as Derick
Result	Belet (kills Derick with a longsword strike in round 5)
Arena	an ancient, long-lost battlefield, inside a crushed ring of wagons/chariots (a barricade from someone’s final stand)
Hosts	Caustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer) and Mudcat (narration, the Arbiter, Gerald)
Watch	YouTube

What happens

Opening — the Dread Fortress and daylight savings

0:07:09 Back in the Dread Fortress, the Arbiter wanders the halls “clanking his chains behind him,” looking for the Grandmaster. (“What is he always doing on a Sunday night wandering around? Nobody knows.”)
0:07:39 The Grandmaster comes running frantically down a stone hallway, opening and slamming doors and shouting for him. A huddle of little goblins follows her, carrying the charcuterie board (“because we always have one of those”). She is exhausted from running all over the fortress. She thinks the Deathmatch “was supposed to happen an hour ago” and that they’re late.
0:08:32 The Arbiter: “You do know that it was daylight savings time, right?” She freezes as it dawns on her. “We have our own plane. We could get rid of these stupid rules.”
0:08:58 — Bureaucracy. He points out she could abolish it right now. She refuses. She puts it on her agenda for Monday morning, because “It’s not official unless it’s done Monday through Friday between nine to five.” There is a procedure: it goes on an agenda, then the agenda is gone through and the act approved. “Is that how you think I rule this country? No. This plane? No. There is order and process.” The Arbiter: “I guess I’ll just have to defer to your incredible business acumen.”
0:09:45 She realizes they’re not late and smiles, slightly disappointed that she can’t be righteously angry anymore. “Did you bring anyone at least?”
0:10:09 The Arbiter claps. The sound waves visibly ripple through the halls, a portal tears open in time and space, fog rolls out and the champions step through: “Derick Taladin versus Belet Bladesimmer. Or something like that.”

The champions

0:10:48 — Belet. “I am Belet Blesamar of Waterdeep.” She struggles with the word “deathmatch.” The Grandmaster: “It’s warm, like a warm hug from this atmosphere.”
0:11:25 Belet is “the seventh in a long line of nobility,” so her parents “don’t give me shit.” She adventures for treasure instead, and learned to fight “killing evil dragons mostly.”
0:11:56 — Dragons. The Grandmaster asks whether most dragons are evil. Belet says no. Some “have a rough upbringing” and turn to crime or to subjugating the local people, “but there’s other dragons who are pretty nice.”
0:12:33 — Derick. “Hello. Welcome to me, Derick. I don’t know where I am exactly.” The Grandmaster thought the Arbiter had told them they were coming to the Dread Fortress. Arbiter: “I make them sign the release forms. It’s not my fault that they don’t read them.” Derick: “Of course. Now I remember… Right, and we’re fighting.” His weapon: “My lance.”
0:13:11 Derick hails from “the deep holes of space… like black holes and such. I move through space and travel along the rifts on my Spelljammer ship.”
0:13:37 The Arbiter found Derick “in a black hole in space” and Belet “in a dragon’s den.” Belet: it was nice to meet someone who wasn’t trying to kill her. Arbiter: “Trust me, I know exactly the feeling.”
0:14:02 — The terms. The Grandmaster asks them to show their fiercest form, or be sent “back down those black holes or to your family of generations.” Belet’s terms depend on pay. The Grandmaster: “I’ve been told that it’s adequate.” “So we are at least slightly above standards of adequacy.” Derick: “To battle!”

The arena — a battle long lost

0:15:12 The Arbiter cracks his back and knuckles (“Don’t worry, I got this. This is my thing”) and claps the portal open. It is dark and musty, smelling “of old wood and old death.”
0:15:36 — The Grandmaster’s welcome. “Welcome, champions, to a battle long lost.” Old weapons lie on the ground and they may use them. The grounds are ancient, gray and damp, and “this soil has hungered for blood for hundreds of years.” They stand inside a ring where some group made its final stand and lost. The barricade is crushed and beaten, 5–10 feet high in places, made of broken wood, and hard to get out of. Everything is damp and covered with broken bones and wood, “and maybe a few leftover people here and there.”
0:16:50 — Benefits. Belet asks whether they’ll get a tetanus shot, since it’s “very moist in here.” The Grandmaster promises great medical insurance, high coverage and benefits; a retirement fund if you make it out alive; and “a gym membership for the gym around the corner.” Belet: “Oh, don’t worry about gym. You don’t need to know who gym is. You’re already pretty big.”
0:17:25 Derick: “I am quite large in stature… I have been to worse places in the galaxy though. This is not even amongst the top five.” Belet asks about number three. “Maybe later… That is neither here nor there.”
0:17:54 — Mud. Offended that he called the place not intimidating, the Grandmaster throws a handful of mud at Derick. It hits (26) and he eats “four points of dirt, sucker.” It goes straight into his mouth, goopy and tasting like shit. “I got in my pipe!” (Derick, inferred from context). Belet: “maybe if you, you know, stop smoking mud, then you would be able to remember the things that you’re saying.” The Grandmaster declares it a no-smoking zone.
0:18:45 — Doug the pug. The Grandmaster hops onto a piece of wood. A small pug hiding behind her hops out, “a little beaten and worn”, and barks at each champion to tell them to be on their toes.
0:19:11 — The hag’s eye. Belet kneels and pulls a pouch out of her pack. She offers Doug “a hag’s eye,” an oblong eyeball still attached to muscle tissue: “It’s actually really tasty for little pugs. It’s kind of juicy.” Animal handling 22. Doug gobbles it down, dances between her feet and grants her a 1d4 inspiration. Belet: “My character build in prioritizing animal handling is finally paid off… I can’t wait to spread more joy across the universe by kicking ass.”
0:20:44 Derick: “What is this little, so annoying yapping noises?” (“Bodo bodo bodo.”) Animal handling 17: Doug respects that Derick likes his space, because he defends his own. He glares, then runs back to the Grandmaster, who picks him up and flies him into the sky.
0:21:15 — The Acolytes scream from above, “begging to see blood tonight.” There are rock fists in the air and “Doug’s bug [pug?] puppets” waving. The Grandmaster: “give them a fight worthy of remembrance. Let them know your name and that you will not be forgotten.”
0:22:28 The Arbiter spreads his glowing white wings and soars into the dark sky. The champions start on opposite sides of the ring of chariots, about 90 ft apart.
0:23:21 — Initiative. Belet gets 11 and Derick 3. Derick: “Slow and steady wins the race, they say.” Arbiter: “Who says that?” Belet: “Nobody that races says that.”

Round 1

0:24:15 — Javelins. Belet jumps up onto a banister and hurls a javelin across the ring at disadvantage. It hits. The Grandmaster says “I believe in you,” and Belet answers: “Most people, they don’t believe in me and it actually makes me quite sad… You better start believing in me, fucker!” The second javelin also hits (“I believe.” “Stop it!”).
0:25:33 — The splinter. She scrambles over the wreckage toward him and fails an athletics check (11). She takes a splinter to the shin as she slides down. The Grandmaster: “That’s the wound that you’re going to remember. It’s the splinter.” Derick: “It got between the toes.” Belet: “Ah, fate has cursed me again… My squire is going to have a hard time getting that one out.”
0:27:03 — Shala and the Big Nose Club.
- Belet’s squire is Shala, “People who do not speak my language pronounce his name as Charlie.” He is in the stands wearing a T-shirt with her face on it.
- She rescued him from “a small town known as Greenest”, which had been “pretty much destroyed.” She told the scrawny kid he could be super buff and fight dragons. He learns sword fighting from her, but mostly shines her armor.
- She picked him because he has a big nose like hers: “you got to join the big nose club.”
- Behind Shala, a group of other big-nosed people cheer: the Big Nose Club. “It’s a support group. It’s a movement.” Bec: it has been gaining momentum on social media and holds meetings every Tuesday at 6 p.m. Belet: smaller noses are welcome too, “If you feel like it’s big for you.”
0:28:52 “Oh, that’s right. I’m playing D&D, not just talking shit.” Belet gives Derick “the eyeballs” (intimidation 15). Derick has seen “a few in my time” and gives them right back.
0:29:48 — Derick’s turn. Derick pulls the javelin out of his chest plate. He raises his lance to the sky (“Give me power”) and has already forgotten Belet’s name. Belet: “Do we need a name tag system for this show or something?”
0:30:32 — The teacup. He casts spiritual weapon, which takes the shape of a giant cup of tea: metal, oversized, “decorated with the finest of filigree,” inlaid platinum. Drew has no teacup token and uses a hammer.
0:31:39 — Spill the tea. Belet invents a rule: “If you’re gonna attack me with a teacup, you have to spill some tea about you.” The Grandmaster upholds it (“Everyone knows that rule,” says the Arbiter). Derick has no tea: “I left my tea on the ship. I figured I’d be back before brunch.” The Grandmaster: “If you live, you will be.”
0:32:27 Instead she asks his favorite color. “Bronze, of course.” The Grandmaster: “Ugh, okay, yeah, that’s disgusting.” Belet: “Bronze, third place color?” The Grandmaster: “you’re not winning tonight.” Derick: “We will regret those words.”
0:32:56 “Spiritual weapon, ho!” The teacup misses. Derick clears the barricade (athletics 17).
0:33:40 — The javelin returned. He takes the javelin that hit him, still soaked in his own blood, flourishes it (“whatever one and a half is” of a 360), and throws it. It’s a critical hit. Belet staggers: “oh, I’m going to need to look at that healthcare pamphlet pretty soon.”
0:35:03 Derick bangs his lance against his shield to intimidate. It has “the worst cadence” (8 vs Belet’s 19 insight). The Grandmaster: “Do you have no rhythm?” Derick: “Come at me, madam.” Belet compares it to an old man trying to fit in with “the newest bop… hello my fellow kids.” This sets off a “bop” argument: is it still a word, and is the Grandmaster old? Derick sides with the Grandmaster: “I still say bop.”
0:36:32 End of round: the Arbiter’s d20 is a 4. Doug rolls his own plushy D20 for a 9, making 13. The Acolytes grant both champions a hero point (“drink that energy drink… find something to eat… re-roll that terrible roll”).

Round 2 — the wagon

0:37:46 Belet tosses the javelin aside. It is fine craftsmanship, “probably from the family plates [?]… Waterdeep,” with a special family inscription.
0:38:30 — “Suck my wagon!” She spends her hero point on a pushing attack against a wagon. The Grandmaster offers a choice: push it into him, or flip it on top of him? “We’ll do the second one.” Belet charges through the mud, squats deep and flips the heavy wagon over onto Derick (strength 24). “Suck my wagon!” Derick: “Dear heavens!” He passes the strength save, so he isn’t knocked prone. He ends up holding the wagon up on his shoulders, trapped underneath.
0:41:02 Belet vaults on top of the wagon and makes a lunging attack down through it, but misses. He can’t be seen and gets +1 AC for the cover. Belet: “Hey, quit moving.” Derick: “You’re quite heavy on top of this thing.” “Just doing my job.” The Grandmaster: “It’s all for the health benefits.”
0:42:16 Derick moves the teacup and it hits for minimal damage (“Ow! It wasn’t really an ow”). “I told you before the game, this is how it happens.” Belet: “Got creaky bones.”
0:43:40 — The trunk. The Grandmaster clarifies for the Acolytes that Derick is a hippo. Derick rips off his trunk, which turns out to have been held on with glue. The Grandmaster: “Are you no longer part of the big nose club?” Derick: “I have an even larger nose now.” Belet: “That was despicable. I can’t believe you would mock me and my people like that.” A section of the crowd gasps in horror and covers their noses. Children scream (“Not the nose!”) and mothers cover their children’s eyes.
0:44:41 Derick casts prayer of healing on himself. Belet uses Mage Slayer and stabs down at him through the wagon (“Stop speaking those magic words”), but misses. He heals 19.
0:46:18 — Nat 1. Derick tries to shake the cart and break it apart through the stab hole so Belet falls next to him. He rolls a nat 1. Belet: “I can hear your back breaking down there.” Derick: “The construction of this vehicle was much more than I expected.” His knees buckle and he nearly goes prone. While he holds the wagon he has disadvantage on weapon attacks.
0:47:59 With a “dirty 20” athletics check he gets out from under it and moves around behind Belet.
0:49:13 The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is 16: “Suck it, Doug.” The Grandmaster: “And Doug is sucking on a bone right now.”

Round 3 — the Box of Chaos

0:49:39 The Acolytes, and the Nose Club in particular, beg Belet to redeem their glory. To their “nasally chants” she “does the presentation.”
0:50:14 — The Box arrives. The Acolytes demand more chaos, and the Arbiter snaps his fingers. The Box of Chaos slams down from the sky into the wagon, breaking pieces off. Its lid flips open and pink and purple flames shoot up in a column with no heat: magical fire. Shadowy fingers creep over the rim, and Gerald pokes his yellow eyes out. Derick: “It seems they have sent us a care packet of sorts.” Belet: “I hope it’s organic trade or fair trade.”
0:51:35 — The coupons. Belet offers Gerald coupons for shows back in Waterdeep: three VIP coupons for musicals, plus-ones included (“I just know people… normally I go, but… I’m across the galaxy fighting people in the arena”). Gerald asks whether they ever do Les Mis. Belet: “That’s the one where… the people are kind of fighting for… labor rights?” Derick: “Yeah, with Jean Valjean.” Belet says her family wouldn’t approve because they’re “very like bourgeois. You know, I am a noble.” Gerald: “I’ll have to check it out.” The Grandmaster: “I can’t believe you offered him a coupon book… Gerald will get some time off.” Belet: “I can’t believe you’re so against the laborers who work so hard to bring this show to light” (aimed at the Grandmaster, inferred).
0:53:40 — Potion of storm giant strength. Gerald floats a small vial to her. The moment she touches it she knows: a potion of storm giant strength. She chugs it, and her Strength becomes 29 for the next hour. Belet: “this almost feels like abuse… now he’s really fucked.” The Arbiter: “Don’t worry, you can use the box too. If you’re not dead from being pummeled by it.”
0:55:04 — The feint. “Hey, well, now I’m over here. Now I’m over here.” Belet feints with her shoulders and arms (“It’s all in the head”) and hits hard. On the second swing she says, “I feel really bad about this because this is like picking on an old man.” Derick knocks her blade away with his lance. She uses second wind: “Oh, I’m a little tired, you know?” The Grandmaster: “the wind just captures it in the right way and your hair blows a little bit back. Pose.”
0:57:35 Derick: “Looks will only get you so far, madam.” He goes to the box himself.
0:57:50 — The pipe weed. Derick offers Gerald a half pound of pipe weed “gathered on the planet far, far from here. The oxygen levels there were quite high… it takes quite a little bit to go a long way.” Gerald snatches it. Belet: “You’re telling me you smoke weed and you’re against labor rights? What the fuck?” From inside the box: “I’m a complicated guy.”
0:58:54 — The blunderbuss. He rolls a 2 on the d100 (“I roll low even on the 100s… It’s unfortunate I don’t have divine intervention prep”). The Arbiter asks what weapon he pictures himself holding: “A blunderbuss.” Belet: “You’re gonna give a blunderbuss to this high hippo?”
0:59:39 The lid flips open again and no fire comes out, just a rolling billow of smoke. Gerald’s once-yellow eyes are bloodshot red. He sways back and forth holding a giant blunderbuss, tilts back, pulls the trigger by accident, and the shot goes right past Derick’s head. It is a +3 blunderbuss that uses Derick’s Wisdom. (“That’s surprising. No offense.” “I’m a cleric.”)
1:01:25 — Off to Les Mis. The smoke is so thick it lifts the Box of Chaos up and out of the battlefield, “not to be seen again until he comes down from that very high place. Off to Les Mis!” Belet: “Be free. Embrace your dreams. I dream to dream of time gone by. Let me know how you like the show.” The Grandmaster: he’ll come back with a souvenir drink cup, a T-shirt and a flag.
1:02:28 — Smashing the teacup. Derick smashes Belet with the floating teacup. Belet: “Normally, you have the T before you smash.” It does minimum damage again: “I am toying with my food at this point… That’s my 1,000 cuts.” The Grandmaster: “Might take more like 3,000 for you.”
1:03:55 He spends his entire pool of Lay on Hands on himself: 25 healing. “You can’t take that away from me! Dammit, dice!” Then: “This blunderbuss better fucking work!”
1:04:54 — The Arbiter’s nat 1. The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is a nat 1. The Grandmaster: “Consequences will be had. Many, many consequences.” Arbiter: “Suck my consequences.” Belet: “Are we free to go? Is this canceled?” The Grandmaster: “We’re going to pretend nothing happened… You all saw nothing.” The Arbiter: “I cast modify memory on everyone in the crowd.” Break (cut).

Round 4 — the chaos event

1:06:25 The Acolytes summon a chaos event. Derick rolls a d20 and doubles it (“If there’s anything Derrick can do, it’s math”): 24. Both champions feel a strange sensation start at their toes and creep up to their fingers. All their muscles flex at once, then release. Derick: “Oh, it’s the arthritis again.”
1:07:36 — Sweep the leg. “Following the words of the immortal sensei of Cobra Kai,” Belet ducks and makes a trip attack. It would hit (29), but her body betrays her (“stop hitting yourself”) and she sweeps her own leg, taking all the damage herself. She lands tailbone-first in the mud, and a light green magical dust shakes off her as she regains control. Belet: “I may be old, but I’m not a bumbling fool.” Derick: “Look at yourself.” Arbiter: “Welcome to the arena.”
1:09:17 “Well, that was very embarrassing and a complete waste of my superiority die.” She tries the trip again with her last die (“Are you practicing on yourself?”). This time it lands and Derick is knocked prone.
1:10:26 — The Arbiter intervenes. Belet action-surges, “offended that this arena… lets me harm an old man for this long. This is just cruel.” Arbiter: “This is cruel and inhumane. You’re absolutely right. This is pathetic.” He points a finger at Derick and forms a magical barrier around him. Derick’s body glows, and his AC rises by two. The Grandmaster: “Get up and fight! It’s because hippos are endangered.” Belet: “All of your proceeds while I’m kicking this hippo’s ass go to endangered wildlife across the galaxy.”
1:12:02 Derick’s reaction is to scream in pain. Performance check: loud, but not enough to stop her. Both action-surge swings land. Belet: “you must have gotten off at the wrong bus stop or something, old man.” The Grandmaster asks whether he has lookalike cousins they meant to pick up instead. The Arbiter asks whether he has “a younger, stronger son.” Belet: “Did you steal your… grandfather’s battlements? The future is now, old man.”
1:13:34 Derick: “I must admit, it’s been a while since I’ve one-on-one combated like such, but I’ve still got some breath in me.” Arbiter: “Barely.”
1:13:53 — The dried apples. Derick spends his hero point scrounging in the cart. Investigation 6 finds three measly dried apples. They heal 11 as he scoops them through the mud into his mouth one by one, lying on his back. Belet: “Of course the old guy who got lost on the way to bingo is terrible at investigation.” “I lost my monocle!” (Derick, inferred).
1:15:21 — The blunderbuss. He rolls onto his back: “Call the city guard, but not for me!” and fires. The shots are explosive.
- Shot 1: hits. Belet uses Indomitable to reroll the Dex save and passes (“Quick like cat”), so only the regular damage lands.
- Shot 2: hits. Belet fails, and the round explodes. The Arbiter: “Wow! Shut your mouth! I’m proud of you.”
- Astral Spark: Derick adds force damage with it, “a part of my being a hippo… attuned to being like cool.”
- Shot 3: as a war priest he fires a third time as a bonus action. It hits and explodes. Belet: “Starting to feel like the chaos gods may have overcorrected by giving this person the minigun.”
1:20:07 The Grandmaster: “At least health-wise, you both are looking like twins.” Everyone is bloodied. Derick realizes he forgot his Piercer bonus on his earlier crit (“Rip the dream”). He stands up out of the mud. The Grandmaster: “as a hippo, you are used to being in the mud.”
1:20:54 — Sad Doug. The Arbiter rolls 18. All round Doug has been whimpering at the edge of the throne. On the Arbiter’s nat 1, Doug’s plush D20 fell into the mud on the far side of the wagon, by the rotten apples, and he can’t reach it.

Round 5 — the end of Derick

1:21:53 Belet: “This is looking like it’s gonna be it either way… I think that perhaps you should take a gun safety course.” Her first swing misses.
1:22:16 — The forgotten teacup. Derick points out his spiritual weapon could still attack. Ruling: a coin flip decides whether his character remembers it. He calls heads and loses. Arbiter: “Alzheimer’s is kicking in.”
1:23:19 Belet uses Doug’s 1d4 inspiration (“see if I hit this fucker. I’m sorry, Derick”), but the Arbiter’s +2 AC stops her: “Because we’ve rigged the election. Remember to vote, kids out there.”
1:23:41 — The killing blow. Derick: “Calm down, calm down.” Belet: “I will be plenty calm when you just respect people’s right to a fair living wage.” Derick: “Oh, come on now!” Her swing lands for the kill. She makes a frustrated sound (“She’s French. She just makes weird noises sometimes”). Derick’s last word, as heard: “Parallel.” [?]
1:24:54 — The pamphlet. Belet leans over and tucks an AARP pamphlet into his shirt pocket. With his last breath he takes it out and rips it.
1:25:08 — Last thoughts. The Arbiter asks what is spinning in “that old noodle.” Derick: “I shouldn’t have taken my brother’s armor. He was much better at this than I was.” The brother’s name is Larry. The Arbiter: “Strong name.” The Grandmaster: “It’s a family name.” Derick: “We call them lighter [?]… He was a fighter.”
1:25:50 — Hippo steaks. The Grandmaster hops down, and Doug follows after picking up his plush D20. “Everyone, hold a drink up for the old hippo. For the blood that was shed in the hippo steaks that we will eat tonight.” Belet: “You’re cannibals?” Derick, with one last breath: “Huh? What?” The Grandmaster pushes his face into the mud and walks it back: “We’re not actually going to eat Derick.” Instead there will be little hippo-shaped cookies “in remembrance of” him, with tea. “Always remember Derick.” Arbiter: “Once you get that first taste, it’s addictive.” Dan compares them to “the little German hippo chocolate things.” She pushes his face further into the dirt.
1:27:16 — Victory. “Congratulations, my champion. Take my hand.” Belet: “You’re not going to try to eat me, right?” The Grandmaster flies her up to eye level with the Acolytes. Her squire and the Nose Club have taken their shirts off and wave them over their heads (“this is a PG-13 event”). “Free nipples all over in that section… let them be.” 1:28:04 “Welcome and goodnight to D20 Deathmatch.”

Dried Blood (after-show)

Lore drop (tone between in- and out-of-character; flagged):

1:35:25 Drew: “At the Dread Fortress, we do have several unions. We have a chinchillas union. There’s a goblin union. There may be one other union… we’re a pro union at the Dread Fortress.” Bec adds that the unions “are healthy and advocate for their individuals. So that’s why we have so many good benefits.” Drew: “The leader of the chinchilla union is kind of a dick though.”
1:34:27 Bec, continuing the PTO joke about Gerald: “we do have a great PTO program, so Belet, you will get advantage of that”:
- at least three extra days each week;
- an extra-long weekend once a month;
- a required two weeks off at some point in the year.
- Friday: “I should hope that I would get two weeks off after getting shot in the fucking gut.” Bec: “You still have that splinter too.”

Creator notes (out-of-character):

Friday: fighters don’t scale without magic items, and D&D is “totally not balanced for a PvP.” She likes improvising with the environment, and generally doesn’t play casters.
Drew: flipping the cart was brilliant, “we haven’t had a hero point to flip a cart onto an old man yet so that’s a first for the show.”
Dan: Derick was purely reactive. He burned prayer of healing and all his Lay on Hands in two rounds, and the gun was “one last grand hurrah.” He forgot to add +3 to the blunderbuss damage. He blew his early nat 20 on a ranged attack, so he couldn’t smite.
Drew: the show plays at level 10 and very non-traditionally to stay balanced. “You have a plan and it just goes out the fucking window.”
Drew on the storm giant potion: “I didn’t give shit… Gerald gave… I honored the dice.”
Dan pictured the blunderbuss like the three-barrel World of Warcraft one.
Dan meant to play the heel. Derick was capitalism against Belet’s unionizing; he wanted Derick to be rich and hated, and to want to kick the dog. Drew: “It’s hard to play the heel when you’re just getting the [crap] kicked out of you.”
Bec: “I like that Belet’s character comes from a rich background but only offered coupons.” Friday: “I’m the rebel rich kid.”
Final words. Dan: “I’m the nat one guy… if you roll a one in real life, know that there’s some way… you can turn it around.” Friday: “if you want to DM, you should try DMing.”

Who and what appears

Characters

Belet (isfridayTV / Friday). Belet “Bladesimmer”/“Blesamar” (surname uncertain) of Waterdeep.

A noble, seventh in a long line. Her family gives her nothing, so she adventures for treasure and mostly kills evil dragons (but some dragons are nice).
A fighter: Battle Master maneuvers (pushing, lunging, feinting and trip attacks), Mage Slayer, action surge, second wind, Indomitable. Longsword and two family javelins with a Waterdeep inscription.
Squire Shala (“Charlie”), rescued from the destroyed town of Greenest.
Founder (inferred) and member of the Big Nose Club, which meets Tuesdays at 6 p.m.
Pro-labor rights, which her bourgeois family wouldn’t approve of. Has musical connections in Waterdeep. Carries hag’s eyes as pet treats. Is good with animals.
“She’s French” (Friday’s aside).
Found by the Arbiter in a dragon’s den.
In this episode: won Doug’s inspiration, flipped a wagon onto Derick, got a potion of storm giant strength from Gerald, swept her own leg during the chaos event, was shot by the blunderbuss, killed Derick.
Still has the splinter.

Derick (Nat1Fun / Dan). Derick “Taladin” (surname uncertain).

An old hippo (Astral Spark comes from his hippo nature) with a trunk glued on as a fake nose, which he ripped off.
Travels the rifts and black holes of space on his Spelljammer ship.
A cleric / war priest who also has Lay on Hands (Dan mentions smite). Lance and shield.
Favorite color: bronze. Smokes a pipe and carried high-grade pipe weed from a high-oxygen planet.
Forgetful. Left his tea on the ship.
Wore his brother Larry’s armor; Larry “was much better at this… He was a fighter.”
In this episode: got Gerald’s +3 blunderbuss, and was given +2 AC by the Arbiter out of pity. Killed by Belet; to be remembered with hippo cookies.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec).

Believes in procedure: business is done only on business days, 9 to 5, with agendas. Plans to abolish daylight savings time on the plane on Monday.
Threw mud at Derick. Promises medical insurance, a retirement fund, a gym membership and PTO.
Proposed hippo steaks, then retracted it for hippo cookies.

The Arbiter (Drew).

Clanks chains while wandering the fortress on Sunday nights. Makes champions sign release forms.
Knows the feeling of everyone trying to kill him.
Took pity on Derick (+2 AC). Rolled a nat 1 and “cast modify memory” on the crowd.

Gerald (Drew). Lives in the Box of Chaos; yellow eyes and shadowy fingers.

Wanted to see Les Mis and took Belet’s coupons.
Got high on Derick’s pipe weed and his eyes went red. Fired the blunderbuss by accident.
Drifted off on the smoke “to Les Mis”; expected back with a souvenir cup, T-shirt and flag.

Doug the pug. The Grandmaster’s pug, “a little beaten and worn.” He grants blessings and inspiration, rolls a plush D20 at round ends, and chews a bone. He cried when his plush D20 fell into the mud.

Shala (“Charlie”). Belet’s big-nosed squire from Greenest. He wears a Belet face T-shirt and went shirtless in celebration.

The Big Nose Club. A support group and movement in the stands. Covered their noses in horror at Derick’s trunk.

Larry. Derick’s brother, a better fighter, whose armor Derick wore.

The goblins carrying the Grandmaster’s charcuterie board. The Acolytes.

Places

The Dread Fortress: stone hallways and the Grandmaster’s throne room (mentioned).
“A battle long lost”: an ancient gray, damp battlefield inside a crushed ring of wagons/chariots, littered with old weapons, bones and bodies. The soil has hungered for blood for hundreds of years.
Waterdeep, Belet’s home (shows and musicals). Greenest, a destroyed town where Shala was found.
Derick’s “black holes” and space rifts; a high-oxygen planet.
A gym “around the corner.”

Items

Potion of storm giant strength (Belet, from Gerald).
+3 blunderbuss with explosive shots (Derick, from Gerald).
Derick’s teacup spiritual weapon (platinum filigree). Derick’s lance, shield, pipe, glued-on trunk and Larry’s armor.
Belet’s family javelins, hag’s eye treats, three VIP musical coupons (traded) and an AARP pamphlet.
The flipped wagon. Three dried apples. Doug’s plush D20. The charcuterie board.

Lore statements

The Grandmaster’s realm keeps daylight savings time, for now. She calls it “our own plane” and rules by agenda and process.
The Dread Fortress has unions (chinchilla and goblin unions) and a PTO program (Dried Blood, see flag).
The arena’s champions are promised medical insurance, a retirement fund and a gym membership.
The Box of Chaos can fly off with Gerald inside.

Quotes by character

Belet

0:10:48 “I am Belet Blesamar of Waterdeep.”
0:11:25 “because I am the seventh in a long line of nobility, my parents, they don’t give me shit.”
0:11:56 “No, actually, you should actually get to know them a little bit and maybe give them a bit of a chance.”
0:19:11 “I have a hag’s eye for you. It’s actually really tasty for little pugs.”
0:24:49 “You better start believing in me, fucker!”
0:27:51 “you got to join the big nose club.”
0:31:39 “If you’re gonna attack me with a teacup, you have to spill some tea about you.”
0:38:36 / 0:39:11 “Suck my wagon!” (speaker uncertain: diarized to Bec’s line, context suggests Belet)
0:58:30 “You’re telling me you smoke weed and you’re against labor rights? What the fuck?”
1:11:46 “All of your proceeds while I’m kicking this hippo’s ass go to endangered wildlife across the galaxy.”
1:13:25 “The future is now, old man.”
1:23:41 “Because we’ve rigged the election. Remember to vote, kids out there.”
1:23:56 “I will be plenty calm when you just respect people’s right to a fair living wage.”

Derick

0:12:33 “Hello. Welcome to me, Derick. I don’t know where I am exactly.”
0:13:22 “I move through space and travel along the rifts on my Spelljammer ship.”
0:17:25 “I have been to worse places in the galaxy though. This is not even amongst the top five.”
0:30:01 “Give me power.”
0:32:12 “I left my tea on the ship. I figured I’d be back before brunch.”
0:32:32 “My favorite color? Bronze, of course.”
0:41:52 “You’re quite heavy on top of this thing.”
0:44:14 “I have an even larger nose now.”
0:57:37 “Looks will only get you so far, madam.”
1:07:18 “Oh, it’s the arthritis again.”
1:13:34 “I must admit, it’s been a while since I’ve one-on-one combated like such, but I’ve still got some breath in me.”
1:15:21 “Call the city guard, but not for me!”
1:25:24 “I shouldn’t have taken my brother’s armor. He was much better at this than I was.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

0:08:44 “We have our own plane. We could get rid of these stupid rules.”
0:09:06 “It’s not official unless it’s done Monday through Friday between nine to five.”
0:09:16 “Is that how you think I rule this country? No. This plane? No. There is order and process.”
0:15:36 “Welcome, champions, to a battle long lost.”
0:15:36 “this soil has hungered for blood for hundreds of years.”
0:18:13 “Eat four points of dirt, sucker.”
0:22:07 “give them a fight worthy of remembrance. Let them know your name and that you will not be forgotten.”
0:26:35 “That’s the wound that you’re going to remember. It’s the splinter.”
1:05:30 “We’re going to pretend nothing happened. Nothing has happened.”
1:25:50 “Everyone, hold a drink up for the old hippo. For the blood that was shed in the hippo steaks that we will eat tonight.”
1:26:49 “Always remember Derick.”
1:27:16 “Congratulations, my champion. Take my hand.”

The Arbiter

0:08:32 “You do know that it was daylight savings time, right?”
0:09:33 “I guess I’ll just have to defer to your incredible business acumen.”
0:12:45 “I make them sign the release forms. It’s not my fault that they don’t read them.”
0:13:59 “Trust me, I know exactly the feeling.”
0:49:13 “Suck it, Doug.”
1:05:21 “Suck my consequences.”
1:05:52 “I cast modify memory on everyone in the crowd.”
1:11:06 “This is cruel and inhumane. You’re absolutely right. This is pathetic.”
1:23:12 “Alzheimer’s is kicking in.”

Gerald

0:52:29 “Do they ever do Les Mis?”
0:58:42 “I’m a complicated guy.”

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