S6E7, The Hunt for #2 - Part 2 (season finale). Team C final - Frigid Doom v Bob the Barbarian v the Duke

Champions and players	Kyle as Frigid Doom; Drock / “Big Papa Drak” as Bob the Barbarian; Sensei as the Duke (handles from Dried Blood; the description lists no guests)
Result	Bob the Barbarian (the last one fading at the final chaotic event; the Grandmaster revives him and declares him winner). He names the team the “Triforce Dong Danglers”
Arena	Emmery’s Tavern (the same tavern as Part 1; the werewolf is dead but its corpse is still there), under a transparent ceiling with the floating grandstands above
Hosts	Caustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer, Thea, Doug, chaos events); Mudcat (the Arbiter, narration, mechanics)
Watch	YouTube

What happens

Opening: Thea and the receipts (Dread Fortress)

1. 0:05:31 The show opens with “Welcome to D20 Deathmatch!” Bec calls it “our season finale.” She also teases that Mudcat is “not a young man anymore… Many gray hairs and wrinkles adorn your head.”
2. 0:06:09 A commotion deep in the Dread Fortress: things thrown, screeches, mumbling. Thea is frantically searching: “I found it! It’s okay!”
3. 0:06:35 The Arbiter as accountant. He comes in wearing small spectacles and carrying an old adding machine, the kind with a pull handle like a cash register, used by “an old style bookie.” He is crunching numbers. “Am I the only one who knows what the fuck this is?”
4. 0:07:06 Thea has been getting everything ready for the finale. The blue slushies are full, she got “some plizzies” [unclear], and Doug is yelling in the background. “I think I’m losing hair.” The Arbiter: “I don’t even have hair.”
5. 0:07:23 The receipts. The Arbiter asks if she saved the receipts. Thea: “I fed them to Doug.” Doug is yelling for more. She kept no receipts for the hot dogs, slushies or concessions. When they bought from Stone Cola she refused a receipt, “saving the trees by saying no to paper.”
6. 0:08:05 The Arbiter: “You’re about seven weeks old. I think it’s time for you to hear this. You fucked us.” “Tax day’s tomorrow and you fucked us.” The tax people “need to see everything… When you take a fart, they need to smell it.” Thea offers her jar of saved farts: “I’ve got some locked and loaded ready to go.” He postpones the problem until after the Deathmatch.
7. 0:08:54 Thea told the champions last week the finale “has to be really good.” She checked midweek and they were “enjoying their little vacation before they fight to the death tonight.”
8. 0:09:16 The missing Grandmaster. Thea forgot her. She explodes around the room looking under chairs and in jars. The Arbiter: “Just try the throne room.” Thea claps open a small portal to the throne room. The Grandmaster is waiting there; “a little note” told her to be early today.
9. 0:10:13 Thea wants a raise. Arbiter: “Well, zero times anything is still zero.” Thea: “Then you can tell the tax people that I deserve it, along with all the farts I give them.” She suggests they “tax deduct all the blood they’re gonna lose tonight.”

The champions arrive

10. 0:10:37 Thea claps in the three champions of Team C.
11. 0:10:46 The Duke enters first, to “grace the masses with my magic and my, well, fecal matter as usual.” His fecal matter currently holds “a couple of my enemies’ corpses, a bit of cheeses… I even acquired one from 1832.” He insists cheese ages like wine. Thea wants to sell some at the concession stands. The Duke: “Did I hear something about tax evasion?”
12. 0:11:37 The Arbiter: “I’m not evading shit.” The Grandmaster grabs the adding machine and throws it. It hits Frigid Doom.
13. 0:12:02 Frigid Doom brought snacks for everybody: “a fruit tray and some vegetables and chips and some sodas… ignore the nacho cheese. It’s still moving for some reason, but it should still be edible.” Thea looks to the Arbiter (“Sure, fucking knock yourself out”). Her jaw opens to the size of her whole body, “a door in and of itself,” and she devours the fruit salad. Frigid Doom: “I appreciate the way that you eat, Thea.” The Duke: “This will be the last meal that anyone will enjoy from Frigid Doom.”
14. 0:13:03 Bob the Barbarian has been hiding in Frigid Doom’s shadow, “chilling waiting to kick some ass.” Thea asks whether rats and fridges have asses. Bob: “Rats, every living creature has an ass somewhere. I’ll find his ass and I will kick it.”
15. 0:13:43 In response, the Duke pulls a “loaded diaper” out of his hat and puts it on as cushioning. Bob: “Cushion your ass as much as you want, rat boy. My boot’s still going up it.”
16. 0:14:17 The Arbiter praises their “team spirit” in preparing to murder former teammates.
17. 0:14:36 The team name. The Grandmaster reminds them that whoever wins names the team. It was “a major assignment.” None of them prepared names. The Duke was on vacation. Frigid Doom was raiding the concessions. Bob: “I live in Florida. I’m permanently on vacation.”
18. 0:15:16 Duval. The Grandmaster: “I knew it was a mistake sending them to Duval for the week.” Bob: “Once you go Duval, you never don’t Duval. Duval!” Frigid Doom calls Duval rotten and fetid, with a river covered in flammable sludge. Bob says only the paper-mill part smells bad, and “the rest is a beautiful paradise.” Frigid Doom got a Jacksonville magnet of a jaguar (after guessing puma, mountain lion and cougar). The Grandmaster and Arbiter discuss an off-season trip, perhaps “a little scouting mission” for local talent.
19. 0:17:04 The Grandmaster sends them back to Emmery’s Tavern, where their mission started.

The arena: Emmery’s Tavern

20. 0:17:17 The tavern is still disheveled even though the werewolf has been vanquished. Nobody has cleaned up. There are drunks, pools of dried vomit, and people passed out on tables. The ceiling is now transparent. Thousands of Acolytes in the floating grandstands scream names, throw blue slushies and punch each other. Emmery wipes the bar.
21. 0:18:23 The Grandmaster’s charge. The three must find out who is leader. “Whatever the outcome be, that is going to be the person you all follow, the decisions you will obey, the location you will follow to live at… You must show us why you’re worthy.”
22. 0:19:04 Bob says “With pleasure” during her dramatic pause. She is hurt: “It was a dramatic pause, you assholes.” The Arbiter: “She does this a lot.” The Duke offers to interrupt again. GM: “I now hate all of you equally.” She turns to the Acolytes: “I give you three annoying champions.” She tells them they are “the spirit of the Void as we bare our souls every time we enter the arena.”
23. 0:20:13 To Emmery: “This bar means nothing to me. He means nothing to me. Destroy this place.” She flies up to the stands. Emmery: “I do not have insurance.” Frigid Doom: “We’ll do our best to preserve your establishment… At least I’ll try. I won’t.” Emmery boards up the kitchen. The Arbiter flies through the transparent roof and flares his wings: “Acolytes, let’s see some blood!”
24. 0:21:25 Initiative: Frigid Doom (nat 20), then Bob, then the Duke.

Round 1

25. 0:21:49 Frigid Doom eyes Bob, the Duke, and the werewolf corpse “that they never removed for some reason.” “I’ll hit you both at the same time.”
26. 0:22:15 His jello arm coils like a spring and lashes a pungent, pointed jello spear at Bob’s chest. It is a nat 20 and hits. “I told you I was prepared.”
27. 0:23:08 At the Duke (“Bring it, you glorified cooler”) he misses: “I didn’t account for his small body.” The Duke rips out a plank being used to repair the tavern and shields himself with it.
28. 0:23:57 A turkey-leg club forms in Frigid Doom’s left hand and sweeps at the Duke. It misses. Duke: “You can’t attack me twice, that’s cheating.” Frigid Doom checks “the champion’s manual.” The Arbiter: “you can hit him twice if you want, we don’t give a shit.” The Duke writes a new rule on the spot that Frigid Doom specifically can’t: “It is canon now.” Thea flips through her notebook, which turns out to be scribbles: “maybe I can’t read.”
29. 0:25:27 Bob’s Viagra. “Many things that I’ve learned in my time in Florida… tonight you’re going to see them all.” From his jorts he pulls a bottle of sildenafil (Viagra), a trick from “the old people down here in Florida,” and pours three pills into his mouth. His muscles engorge: “Viagra opens up every capillary.”
30. 0:26:21 The trouser snake. “Let me introduce you to something I like to call my trouser snake!” His jorts rip open and a giant snake pops out and strikes Frigid Doom. It hits. Frigid Doom: “My pipes are being invaded by this strange trouser snake.” Bob: “My snake’s inside of you now, and it’s not coming out until I tell it to.”
31. 0:27:32 The Ass Jaguar. Bob mocks the Duke’s “rat-tillion” diaper-protected rump and summons a creature from the Florida swamps: “it’s the Ass Jaguar!” A giant jaguar explodes from the ground, sniffs out the rat’s ass and torpedoes at it. The Duke defends: his diaper is laced with metal and breaks the jaguar’s nose. Bob: “You sneaky rat bastard.” He recalls the Ass Jaguar into a Pokeball, then tosses the ball away. “He’ll be back.”
32. 0:29:17 The silver bullet. Bob chugs a Coors Light, crushes the can into a ball and throws it at the Duke’s head: “dodge this, Duke.” It misses.
33. 0:30:21 The Arbiter: “We already got a Jaguar involved, and that doesn’t usually happen until like round six or seven.”
34. 0:30:42 The Duke’s turn. “At least I’m not the one caught in a trap of mediocrity.” He throws a massive rat trap at Bob, baited with a can of Coors Light (“Just for you, buddy”). It fails. Bob just chugs the beer. “Coors Light only powers me up… Wasting a Coors Light, throwing it so, so perniciously.”
35. 0:31:57 He throws cards that become several dozen rats in overalls, hard hats and wrenches. They rush to Frigid Doom’s back panel (“Get out of there. You don’t belong in here”). They fail. Frigid Doom: “You might have a metal diaper, but my pristine metal body is far more superior.”
36. 0:33:00 The plushie gator. The Duke offers Bob a gift from his vacation shopping, a plushie gator with a string, to “make amends.” Bob pulls the string. It screams “Duval!” and explodes into rat men biting at him: “It’s a hoax, it’s a disguise, now die!” It misses. Bob: “Nothing betrays Florida Man that’s from the state of Florida.” The Duke retreats “back into the workshop.”
37. 0:34:46 Thea’s end-of-round roll is a 10: “which is average. Average is good… Add it to my tax report.” “Do you even know what taxes are?” “No, but I think they like it.”

Round 2

38. 0:35:34 Frigid Doom hates the “tiny little minions” trying “to violate my most sacred inner functions” and the trouser snake still circling inside him. His ice maker churns up razor pellets: “it’s time for you to chill, Bob.” He powers up a gatling ice machine. It misses, and Bob is iced down and made “slick and wet so I’m slipperier for this entire contest.”
39. 0:37:04 Spoiled food minions. Frigid Doom’s stomach opens on fruit like Thea’s devoured fruit tray. Apples sprout legs and green mold forms slug bodies, and a horde of spoiled-food monstrosities charges the Duke. It’s a tie, and both gain fatigue. The Duke bites the head off one (“The mold actually provides seasoning”) and grows sick. Frigid Doom: “I guess I should have considered that rats will eat anything.”
40. 0:38:53 An intestinal tract of sausage links flies at Bob’s throat. It misses. GM: “These are some sad snakes right now.” Arbiter: “Two limp noodles flopping around.”
41. 0:39:56 Florida swinging. Inspired by a pineapple among the spoiled fruit, Bob invokes another tradition of “the old people of the villages”: “love isn’t just between a man and a woman in Florida… the age-old tradition of Florida swinging.” This is a combined attack with the status effect venereal disease. Frigid Doom rolls a nat 1. Old swingers burst through his hinges, rummaging in his shelves and his crisper drawer, which “is no longer crispy.” Frigid Doom: “How can so many of you fit inside?… They’re all contortionists.” The Duke: “Is this a kid’s show? What rating are we going for?”
42. 0:42:39 The Floridian sinkhole. Bob screams at the sky, smashes the ground, and a Florida sinkhole opens beneath the Duke. It hits, and this is the Duke’s first damage. Duke: “This place sounds terrible. Why would anyone visit?” Bob: “You haven’t even begun to feel the power of this Floridian barbarian.”
43. 0:43:58 The GM and Arbiter discuss Florida. The Arbiter would never visit, “and I’ve been a lot of bad places.” On the iguanas: “I think they’re invasive.” GM: “I mean, Thea’s kind of cute.” Arbiter: “Yeah, also invasive.” The GM nearly skips the Duke because “You’ve been rolling so low.” The Arbiter mocks “upper management” telling “us working class folks how things work.”
44. 0:45:06 Nuclear strikes. The Duke: “For my next trick, I will make your chances of victory disappear!” From his hat he pulls an artillery system. Rat men spot Frigid Doom with binoculars and call in two nuclear strikes. Frigid Doom waves: “I’m right over here.” The first lands big. The Grandmaster bows to the Duke and apologizes for her earlier joke: “You have what it takes.” The second also hits, against a Frigid Doom nat 1. Frigid Doom sees the shell coming: “oh, fuck.”
45. 0:47:13 The New York hood rat. “I have faced scarier things in the sewers of New York City.” A card summons a giant rat bigger than the Duke, wearing size 16 Tims, a do-rag and gold chains, “a literal new york rat, a hood rat.” It fires two Glocks at Bob. Hit. “Feel the power of Brooklyn.”
46. 0:48:40 The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is a nat 20. The GM: “The Duke prepped you for that.” The Arbiter stands, flaring his white wings: “They said it was impossible, but not for me.”

Chaotic events: fireworks, then Grandma

47. 0:49:24 Fireworks. A projectile screeching “like a bat swallowed a whistle” leads a swarm of fireworks. The Acolytes kept them hidden in their pockets and under their chairs to celebrate the nat 20. Everyone saves.
48. 0:50:10 The Acolytes are upset that their fireworks did nothing and trigger a second event. The GM mocks them: “the tiny little black snake ones… pop rocks… snapdragons? Innocent. Childish.”
49. 0:50:58 Grandma. A grandma appears from the back with a plate under a silver tin, and each champion smells their favorite food. Bob: gator (transcribed “Aether!”; confirmed at 0:52:39). Frigid Doom: “the enchanting smell of Chinese takeout long past its due.” The Duke: “it’s ham, of course.” GM: “Ham? Not cheese?” The Duke crumbles in his hidey-hole. Only Bob fails: “That gator looked too good… Damn you, grandma. Damn you to hell.”
50. 0:52:49 Bob is a god. The GM asks how he can eat gator when Denise the gator is his pet. Bob: “I don’t just go out and kill my reptilian friends… I wait until they have died and then I prepare them as is want with their religion, for they want to be digested by me so that they can live on within me.” It happens “once every blue moon, which is approximately every two to three months when a gator dies.” The Arbiter asks: “does that mean you are their god?” Bob: “Of course.” GM: “If you beat him, you beat a god.” The Duke: “I’ll have a god as my henchman? Marvelous.” Frigid Doom: “I don’t think I’ve ever devoured a god, but here’s to trying new things.”
51. 0:54:10 Break. The Arbiter wants to see Frigid Doom eat a god, “but I don’t know that I can do it on an empty stomach.” He announces gator bites, new in the concession stand, half price for the finale. The break was cut from the mp3.

Round 3

52. 0:54:50 Two chaotic events so far; the next “is going to really hurt.” Thea: “Round number three! That’s all I can count to.”
53. 0:55:31 As the mushroom cloud settles, with the old people crammed inside his steel shell, Frigid Doom’s jello arms retract and his eye slit closes. “For a minute, he’s just a fridge,” rumbling and whirring. He clears two fatigues and his status effect.
54. 0:56:37 The priapism explosion. Bob has “been cooking up something special during the break.” In a barbarian’s blood time moves faster, so the Viagra has hit “the four-hour limit.” He runs at the Duke screaming “feel my power!” and his jorts explode in blood, “sick blood… bad blood because of all that time I spent with the old people in the villages” (a poison status effect). It misses. The Duke: “Life has many doors and many holes… You missed the wrong hole.” Bob: “I’ve never missed the hole in my life.”
55. 0:58:27 Crystal meth punches. Bob pulls a “crystal meth hand” from his jorts and punches the Duke. It hits. Duke: “God damn it. It’s addicting. I must have more… Give me more, Florida man.” A left-handed crystal meth punch follows. The Duke opens his mouth wide and takes it on a nat 1. Bob: “Finally, I did some damage.”
56. 1:00:33 The Duke is “high out of his fucking mind.” “Just like every good cheese, my plan has been aging to perfection.” He squeaks to a small rat, “squeaker,” who still wears his handyman suit, runs to Frigid Doom and installs crystal meth in place of the ice in his systems. Frigid Doom: “Beautiful, beautiful.” It hits with a status effect. Duke: “You are now addicted, brother. Join us.” (Table aside: does meth look like ice? Drew: “I haven’t seen Breaking Bad.”)
57. 1:02:04 Arbiter: “This whole team’s going to have a meth problem.” GM: “We don’t condone crystal meth, Acolytes. This team may be powered by it, but we don’t want it running rampant for the void.” Arbiter: “These are the best kind of employees because they’re going to need meth money.” Bob: “And I’ll keep serving it up.”
58. 1:02:26 The Duke zips around the room at breakneck speed (a dodge), then puts all his strength into “one shit-covered fist. Towards your asshole, Bob”, spending a heroic surge. GM: “you’re going to get shit punched, bro.” It misses. Bob: “Nobody gets through my jorts into my asshole except for me.” Arbiter: “Cannot penetrate those ironclad jorts.” Duke: “I did not calculate for his cheeks to be that strong.”
59. 1:03:58 The Grandmaster rolls. Her first roll is bad: “I’m warming up.” The Arbiter: “Maybe reroll then. Nobody saw it.” Her reroll is a nat 20. “If the Arbiter can do it, I can do it as well.”

Chaotic event: the mechanical gator (1:04:47)

60. “A great classic” with “a little mix up.” An illusion dims the lights and the floor turns sticky. A PBR is thrust into each hand, cigarette smoke puffs, and a mechanical gator rises under the three of them into a spotlight. “Roll to yeehaw, motherfuckers.” All three fail. Bob: “The mechanical gator betrayed me!” GM: “Gators are actually harder. They’re very wide.”
61. 1:05:55 Thea: “I can’t count that high… you never taught me bigger numbers.” She says the Arbiter can only count to 20. Arbiter: “Why would you need to count to more than 20?”

Round 4

62. 1:06:18 Frigid Doom awakens. He has been dormant since his ice was replaced with meth. Now, “like some hellish hermit crab made of casserole and body parts and crystal meth,” his front explodes outward in a mass of limb tentacles, and he trundles forward growling: “This will not stand. I will devour you all.” He clears his status effect and heroic-surges.
63. 1:08:33 He burns all three status effects in one attack for a permanent effect. Held aloft like a shell, his “elderly crystal meth pepperoni arms” smash Emmery’s floor, “doing everything that Frigidoom said he wasn’t gonna do.” He hovers over the Duke and shows a single eye and a gaping mouth with Dorito teeth, then vomits a torrent of acidic bile. The drug-hyped, dodging Duke avoids it. “Why are you so hard to hit?” “Because I’m in a hole.” His rats hold up a sign: “hit that guy.” Frigid Doom’s eye turns to Bob: “I’m coming for you next.”
64. 1:10:26 Bob: “I always come first.” He heroic-surges to heal, then sprints screaming and headbutts at one of Frigid Doom’s hinges. It misses. “Looks like nobody’s coming quite yet. But that’s okay, because I’ve just been edging.”
65. 1:11:19 Denise. “Denise, to me!” The gator explodes from the ground. Bob rides her, and she chomps the Duke’s right leg. It hits. Bob: “Good girl, Denise. Daddy’s proud of you. Daddy’s gonna eat you one day, but not yet.” The Duke: “My leg!”
66. 1:12:47 The Shitlord awakening. The Duke: “I’m hopped up on drugs, covered in shit, and also missing a leg.” He calls on “all of my shonen training logic”: “It is time to awaken. The shitlord.” He turns serious and glows golden, his hair turns from brown to blonde, and his hat grows so large he has to set it down. “Raise your hands, Acolytes, all my rat minions!” He throws the shit bomb, which the Arbiter rules hits both opponents. Bob is untouched because he was oiled up by the ice: “The shit slides right off me!” Frigid Doom is hit: “If only you hadn’t fed me all of these old people, I would’ve been more sleek.” Frigid Doom: “I didn’t want to be shitted alone.”
67. 1:15:50 The Ultra Instinct theme plays as the Duke goes “full anime” and spends his last actions dodging. Thea: “Nerd.” Duke: “I will win this fight and you will have to bow down to me.”
68. 1:16:26 The Doug roll. Doug, “this tiny little pug with one cyber eye,” pops out with a toy d20 and spits it out for a 15.

Round 5

69. 1:17:22 Frigid Doom is “pushed to the very brink”: “I feel I’ve been spoiled by your companionship, friends. No pun intended.” To Bob: “I wish I could say I could crack a cold one with you, but it’s been replaced with crystal meth.” A fist of crystal-meth ham under green jello “like some evil green salad” cracks into the center of Bob’s skull. It hits. “Is it the crystal meth that cracked? Is it his skull?”
70. 1:19:03 “My time in Duval… taught me how to play Roshambo.” He goes for Bob’s “sausage.” It misses. Bob: “Do whatever you want to my head, but not my beautiful, girthy, large sausage.” GM: “I love that your head’s fair game, but not the sausage.” Frigid Doom wraps his tentacles around his frame to defend. GM: “You store an extra one of those in the freezer?”
71. 1:20:54 Florida Man. Bob calls them “a bunch of pussies who like to hide.” “From the time I was a young boy, I was sent into the swamp. Made to fight for myself… the Florida man always finds his mark eventually.” With “Florida Man vision” he lands a quick Florida Man punch on the dodging Duke through disadvantage. Then “something that’s come to me as if out of a dream… child punch?” A small child’s hand comes out of nowhere and hits the Duke again. Then a child kick hits Frigid Doom (nat 1). “It was from a boy. Deep and dark in my dreams are past.” “My muscles are exploding larger and larger.”
72. 1:24:44 The Box of Chaos arrives. A screeching comet barrels into the middle of the tavern and explodes in pink and yellow flames. The Box of Chaos appears. A champion may trade a turn for a random item.
73. 1:25:31 The Duke: “It seems similar to my hat.” He Spartan-kicks the chest wide open. The hand inside protests: “What the fuck, guy? You can’t just kick my house like that… I don’t come to your house and fucking kick in your front door.” The Duke apologizes (“I was really getting into it and the whole anime”) and offers a band-aid. Asked what he wants: “I would like to win the Deathmatch.” “That’s not really how it works, pal.” He offers a ball of shit. The hand: “I’ve seen bigger.” The lid slams, the box shakes and shoots pink and yellow fire into the sky over the now very drunk Acolytes. The hand offers smelling salts, “enough to wake your ancestors from the dead,” which clear one status effect. The Duke has none yet (“both of them really do stink”). He thanks the box: “random chaos of box death thing.” Then he asks it to move left so he can get a shot, and the arm drags the box over.
74. 1:28:06 The Duke fires his “patented bazooka” at Frigid Doom. It misses. Frigid Doom: “Your explosives will no longer work on me.” Duke: “What’s the matter, Frigidoom? Freezer burn got your tongue?” His rats, already inside Frigid Doom, start throwing Molotovs. Frigid Doom rolls a nat 20 and crunches them all up, but his third nat 20 brings adrenaline-fatigue.
75. 1:30:18 The Arbiter rolls a 5 (“fitting… Sad and disappointing”). Thea hops up and rolls, claiming double his result and double his pay. It triggers a chaotic event. Thea: “It’s because of me, Thea.” Arbiter: “Have you never heard of showmanship?” “You just know the word.”

Chaotic event: Doug (1:31:27)

76. Doug sprints around the tavern knocking down chairs, lifts his leg on the tallest thing in the arena, then prances off with squeaky pug farts. “Roll for fresh air.” Frigid Doom succeeds: “This smell, it’s so familiar. It’s like home.” Bob and the Duke fail: “What the hell did that thing eat? Damn that pug.” Frigid Doom realizes he’s missing a can of dog food: “that’s where the smell came from. Good job, puppy.”

Round 6

77. 1:33:13 The cleaning cycle. Frigid Doom: “the true power of my beautiful, frigid body, my self-patented cleaning cycle.” His nuclear power reaches a fever pitch, and the grime, rust and damage heat up and shine until he looks brand-new. His jello limbs glow “an even more toxic, Caustic Green.” “Who’s ready for seconds?”
78. 1:34:14 His status attack at the Duke ties. Both gain fatigue: Frigid Doom reaches four (“One more and it will be your deathbed”) and the Duke three.
79. 1:35:09 Hot dust. “Open wide, Florida boy.” A blend of lime juice, jalapeño, hot sauce and hot-chip/Cheeto dust at the tip of his lash arm swipes Bob in the eyes. It hits. Bob: “The sting of Cheeto lime jalapeno dust juice into my eyes! Damn you, Fridge!” Kyle renames it “hot dust in my eyes.”
80. 1:37:05 Frigid Doom: “I’m not looking at the screen… I’m a fridge. I don’t do math.” Bob and chat push for bravery. “Bring the doom.” He clears his fatigue instead. Bob: “It was your decision, and that’s why you’re smart.” (Running gag: “smart fridge.”)
81. 1:37:58 The Denim Gator. Bob switches to third person: “This is the toughest battle that Bob’s ever fought.” “It’s time for the Denim Gator.” His jorts expand over his body as he spins like a top, with Denise in his right hand and the second gator in his left. He can’t remember the second gator’s name (Fred? Britney?). The Arbiter notes it was unnamed, so it is now “Fritney,” “a combination of Fred and Brittany.” The Duke: “Imagine forgetting your henchman’s names.” Bob: “They’re animals… they want me to. I am their god!” One combined roll hits Frigid Doom (with a status effect) but misses the Duke. Duke: “Your gators cannot hurt me… Rats are also superior.”
82. 1:40:49 Bob clears his status effect: “The gators licked it off as well. Thank you, Denise and Frickney. Return!” He puts them back in two Pokeballs and into his jorts.
83. 1:41:28 The nipples of justice. “Who has been a friend to Bob and who has been a foe?” “Let me rub the nipples of justice.” GM: “They are like diamonds.” “My diamond nipples. Let them cut deep into the flesh of… Frigidum, you son of a bitch.” Frigid Doom barely resists: “I will not be sundered.” Bob: “My nips, they hurt, they’re tender.” He sits down. Frigid Doom offers ice for his nipples, and Bob accepts. Arbiter: “Isn’t that ice crystal meth?” Bob: “Yeah, but I’m Floridian. It’s part of who I am.”
84. 1:43:36 A taste of New York. The Duke throws a giant New York pizza from his hat at Bob. It misses. GM: “Should have thrown a Chicago pizza.” Duke: “It’s basically sauce and not even actual pizza.” “Everyone knows it’s all about the Mets, baby”: a baseball player appears and hits Bob in the face with a fastball. GM: “You just have him on speed dial.” “My people thrive… within the Metro”: the hat enlarges and a subway train comes flying at Bob. Bob: “I took a trip to New York once and I rode that train straight out to the boardwalk.” The train comes in so fast it runs over the Duke’s own foot: “Your right foot is now maimed.” Duke: “I don’t have any legs. My other one was taken.” He takes his fourth fatigue. “I’m broken, I’m bloodied, but I’m not out yet! My heart’s still in it!”
85. 1:46:25 Thea rolls 14, “even higher than before.” GM: “I want this round to be hitting hard… I want someone dead.”

Round 7: the Duke is eaten

86. 1:47:01 Frigid Doom surveys the viscera: “Are you all not entertained? Are we not providing you sustenance?” To the legless Duke: “I’m not sorry for what I’m about to do to you… you’ll be going to a better place. You’ll be going to my stomach.” He throws the Duke into the mass inside the fridge (nat 20). Frigid Doom: “It tastes like lead in pizza.”
87. 1:48:40 The Duke’s last thoughts. “When he was a little rat child, of how eventually he would be able to lead over a massive army… in the name of the one true king, the shit lord. He saw him and he reached out to him like his own deity. But Bael [?], he is no shit lord. He is a simple rat man in a single outfit bought from a dollar store. He is no magician.” He dies with all his rat minions, who infest Frigid Doom’s insides. “Good luck with that.” Frigid Doom: “Oh, I’m suddenly full.” The Duke: “Why the hell is there a turkey sandwich in here? Whatever. Goodbye. I will return eventually.”
88. 1:50:14 Frigid Doom turns to Bob: “I’m going to taste what your Godflesh is like, Bob.” Bob: “Are you ready to be deep fried?… I’ve been waiting for you to say that all night long.”
89. 1:50:42 The GM reminds them that the Box of Chaos is still there. Bob: “Fuck the chaos. You versus me… Fridge versus man. Man versus fridge. Meth versus… Salt.”
90. 1:51:13 Frigid Doom: “Brothers in death. One mind, one mass.” His grapple into “a bloody embrace” fails, then his second try to eat Bob lands a nat 20: “Your glistening muscles, they are making my frame strain… Delicious Floridian flesh. More, more.” Bob’s defensive nat 20 also gives him adrenaline. Both are now low.
91. 1:53:10 The Publix tenders. “I go to a special place called Publix and I go to the deli and I order a heaping helping of chicken tenders… I’m gonna feed them to you after they’ve been rubbed inside my jorts!” They come out covered “in my shit! And crystal meth!” The first misses. Frigid Doom: “Those denim tenders are delicious.” The second and third hit. Frigid Doom: “I think the rats are eating the tenders.”
92. 1:55:16 The Duke from the grave. The Duke is now among the Acolytes (“eerily cheering on”; GM: “It’s hard, okay, everyone? Coming up with voices”) and may grant advantage. Since he’s already inside the fridge, he gives Frigid Doom “a bit of a tune-up”: a “little bit of Gundam,” installing rocket launchers, chainsaws, swords and any weapon, all controlled from “your new and improved smart touch screen.” He pitches it to the audience: “I can get you for $399. Please come to my store after the show.” Frigid Doom: “At long last, my touchscreen has come.”

Final chaotic event: the children (1:57:00)

93. The GM rolls a 9 for the chaos meter, and it’s enough. “A failure on this chaotic event would result in the death of either combatant.” Bob and Frigid Doom agree to die together, “holding hands as one.” Frigid Doom: “Frigidarian! We could be a Frigidarian.” They save the Duke’s advantage (“that’s bullshit”). The Arbiter rolls. Kyle: “If we both die, what happens?” Bob: “We named the team together.”
94. 1:58:24 The Acolytes hate the camaraderie. A small group of children in the far corner hurls insults: “Refrigerators are dumb!” “I hate Florida!” “Duval sucks!” “Put a refrigerator magnet over your mouth. Your knees look stupid.” “Britney is a dumb name.” “My grandmother makes crotch chicken better than that.” Their observations “categorize them quite clearly as big butthead.” Bob: “I can’t believe you children turned against me after I used your ancient techniques… Damn you children.” Frigid Doom: “See if you ever get midnight snacks again.” They swear to kill the kids if they survive, and roll together on three.
95. 1:59:58 Both fail. The words form arrows and pierce metal and flesh. Frigid Doom (nat 1) loses consciousness first: “That hard outer shell, it’s just for looks. Deep down inside, it hurts.” “They’re so mean. Bob, they’re so mean. I’m just a fridge.”
96. 2:01:08 Frigid Doom’s last thoughts. “I’m so glad that I was able to finally achieve my dream of getting a touchscreen. I had just wanted to be a modern fridge, a cool fridge… I now have crystal meth and a legion of rats inside of me, digesting slowly, but also improving my body. But those damn kids, we would have been the leftovers. Yes, that would have been the team, the leftovers. Perhaps in another time.” His tentacle arms stop wiggling.
97. 2:02:22 Bob fading. “Is this really how I go down? Beaten by a pack of children and not felled by a worthy foe? Fridge, you were worthy.” He hears his gators calling: “Papa’s coming home. Papa’s coming home.”
98. 2:03:30 The Grandmaster’s hand. As his fighting spirit slips to one, he feels a hand on his shoulder: “Bob. You’ve held out long enough.” His energy is restored. “You somehow inched out as our survivor. That makes you the winner.” She shakes him and slaps him across the face: “Get it together, Bob.” Bob: “My nipples, they’re back and they’re hard. My body filled with Viagra once more… they’re like lasers.”
99. 2:04:42 She claps, and his two teammates begin to revive beside him. “This is what you fought for! These are your teams!… But what will they be called, Bob?”
100. 2:05:09 The name. Bob: “For we are the Triforce Dongdanglers!” “All three of us. Dongs connected, dangling with intense power.” The Grandmaster lifts Bob’s wrist: “No longer Team C, but the… Triforce Dong Danglers!” The Duke pulls a flag from his hat showing three dongs connected, unified. Bob: “You truly are a magician.” Duke: “Now we will show them our dongs and how powerful they can penetrate any reach of the world.” GM: “May your dawns tingle forever or whatever. This is it, Acolytes. We now have our three teams. We’ll see you all next season. Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!” (2:06:46)

Dried Blood (after-show)

Out-of-character (creator notes)

• Drew: it’s the final Dried Blood of Season 6, “short season this season.” “We… met some new champions, or at least met their versions that exist in this reality. It gets really confusing with the lore, don’t worry about it.” This rules on canon: the Season 6 champions are this reality’s versions of themselves.
• Drew: Bob is “technically undefeated still.” Bob won by one fighting spirit and took zero fatigue.
• Bob’s player’s favorite moment was getting through three rolls at disadvantage. The “Viagra trouser snake… set the mood.” It was his first time playing the game. “Shout out to the villages.”
• Bec on the Duke’s Florida-vs-New-York theme. The Duke’s player has “never been to New York in my life.” Bec didn’t know which baseball team is in New York.
• Kyle (Frigid Doom) calls Bob’s player “Big Papa Drak.” Sensei names “Kyle and Drock,” and says he wanted to be on the show since he started D&D content.

In-character (canon, Dried Blood)

• Frigid Doom, on his nat 1s (2:09:07): “The warranty’s expired.” Bec: “Your warranty probably expired a very long time ago.” Frigid Doom: “I can’t really read the sticker, it’s kind of melted away now… I got my touchscreen.”
• Frigid Doom (2:10:58, in-character tone, inferred): “Fortunately the Dread Fortress has this really neato concession stand, and after the matches I kind of just go and refill, and occasionally I find a couple of scraps on the ground… Stuff comes in, stuff comes out. Keeps the whole thing clean.”
• The Duke (2:10:18): “I, the Duke, hail from the streets of New York, specifically Brooklyn.”
• Bob (2:13:45): “Oh, hell yeah. Can’t wait for next season.”
• Frigid Doom (2:14:48): “Our stomachs are full, our hearts are beating, and the Triforce Dong Danglers… We’re coming, we’re coming, and we’ll see you all later next season.” Said three times “because there’s three of them.”
• The Duke (2:15:55): “My master plan didn’t necessarily come to fruition. But in the next season, I will figure out a way to make an uprising… to eventually land myself in the leadership position. But for now, I will be a simple rat henchman, waiting and watching and plotting everyone’s demise. I hope you’re listening, Arbiter. I’m coming for your soul and your throne soon.” He also says it three times. Bec: “What a satisfactory ending.” Drew: “I’d like to see that happen… stay tuned.”

Who and what appears

Characters

Bob the Barbarian (Drock / “Big Papa Drak”). A Floridian barbarian and self-styled Florida Man in jorts.

• Lives in Florida, “permanently on vacation.” He grew up sent into the swamp as a boy to fend for himself.
• He learned power-ups and “ancient techniques” from “the old people” of “the villages.” He also had dreams from “a boy” that gave him the child punch and child kick.
• God of his gators. Their religion says they want to be eaten by him after they die, “once every blue moon” (every two to three months). His favorite food is gator.
  • Denise, his pet gator.
  • Fritney / “Frickney”, the previously unnamed gator.
  • Both are kept in Pokeballs in his jorts. The Ass Jaguar of the Florida swamps is also kept in a Pokeball.
• Moves: Viagra power-up (later a four-hour priapism blood explosion), the trouser snake, Coors Light “silver bullet,” Florida swinging (venereal disease), the Floridian sinkhole, crystal meth punches, the Denim Gator ultimate, diamond “nipples of justice,” and Publix deli tenders rubbed in his jorts.
• He has ridden the New York subway to the boardwalk.
• Winner. He named Team C the Triforce Dong Danglers. By the Grandmaster’s rule, the team follows him and lives where he decides.

Frigid Doom (Kyle). An irradiated, nuclear-powered stainless steel fridge.

• Body and powers:
  • Jello arms and tentacles, an eye slit, and an ice maker and dispenser (now full of crystal meth).
  • A stomach full of spoiled food he can animate into minions.
  • A “self-patented cleaning cycle” signature move. Later a “hermit crab” mass of limbs with Dorito teeth.
• Likes and habits:
  • Favorite food: Chinese takeout long past its due. Doug’s farts smell “like home.”
  • He’s missing a can of dog food.
  • He refills at the Dread Fortress concession stand (Dried Blood). His warranty sticker has melted off.
• Brought snacks, including moving nacho cheese. Holds the jaguar magnet from Jacksonville. Ate the Duke, his rats, and Bob’s tenders.
• His dream was a touchscreen to be “a modern fridge, a cool fridge.” He got it (and Gundam weaponry) from the Duke’s ghostly boon.
• His team-name idea was “the leftovers.” He died to the children’s insults and was revived.

The Duke (Sensei). A rat man magician with a bottomless hat, from Brooklyn, New York, and the sewers of New York City.

• Habits: his fecal matter holds enemies’ corpses and cheeses (one from 1832). He believes cheese ages like wine. Favorite food: ham.
• Tricks:
  • Rat minions in overalls with wrenches, and rat spotters with binoculars.
  • A metal-laced diaper, a rat trap, an exploding “Duval!” plushie gator, artillery and two nuclear strikes.
  • A giant New York hood rat with Glocks. A bazooka. Rats with Molotovs.
  • “Shitlord” awakening (golden glow, brown hair to blonde) with a shit bomb. Ultra Instinct dodging.
  • The New York combo: pizza, a Mets fastball, a subway train.
• Lost his right leg to Denise and maimed his own other foot with his train.
• Got smelling salts from the Box of Chaos. Writes his own rules (“It is canon now”).
• As a rat child he revered “the one true king, the shit lord” as a deity and dreamed of leading an army in his name. In his last words he calls himself “a simple rat man in a single outfit bought from a dollar store.”
• Eaten by Frigid Doom and revived. Vows to stage an uprising and come for the Arbiter’s “soul and your throne” (Dried Blood).

Thea (Bec). The Arbiter’s assistant, “about seven weeks old.” Can’t read and can only count to three. Fed the receipts to Doug, declined a receipt from Stone Cola, and saves her farts in a jar. Her jaw opens body-sized to eat. Wants a raise and rolls dice at round ends.

The Arbiter (Drew).

• Doing the books with spectacles and an adding machine for tax day tomorrow. Thea’s pay is zero.
• Rolled a nat 20 and flared his white wings.
• Never wants to visit Florida, “and I’ve been a lot of bad places.”
• Says Thea is “invasive.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec).

• Sent Team C on vacation to Duval and dislikes it. Was waiting in the throne room.
• Ruled that the winner leads the team, names it, and picks where it lives. Threw the Arbiter’s adding machine at Frigid Doom.
• Bowed to the Duke after his nukes. Rolled a “warm-up” and then a nat 20.
• Revived Bob with a hand on his shoulder and a slap. “We now have our three teams.”

Emmery. The tavern keeper. He wipes the bar, has no insurance, and boards up the kitchen.

Doug. A tiny pug with one cyber eye who yells, ate the receipts, rolls a toy d20, pees on the tallest thing in the arena and farts.

The Box of Chaos hand (Drew, inferred from speaker 03 at 1:25:51). It calls the box its house, hates being kicked, and takes the Duke’s ball of shit (“I’ve seen bigger”).

Grandma. A chaos-event Acolyte with a silver-tinned platter of each champion’s favorite food.

The children. A group of Acolyte children who taunt the final two to “death.”

The New York hood rat, the Ass Jaguar, the “squeaker” rat, the Mets player are summons.

Places

• The Dread Fortress: the Arbiter’s office area, the throne room (reached by Thea’s portal), and the concession stand.
• Emmery’s Tavern: the arena. Werewolf corpse, vomit, transparent ceiling. Smashed up by Frigid Doom.
• Duval / Jacksonville, Florida: where Team C vacationed. Sludge river, paper mills. A possible off-season scouting trip.
• Florida: swamps, the villages, sinkholes, Publix. New York / Brooklyn: sewers, the Metro/subway, the boardwalk.

Items

• The Arbiter’s adding machine and spectacles. Thea’s fart jar and notebook of scribbles.
• Blue slushies, hot dogs, gator bites (new at the concession stand), and Stone Cola purchases.
• Smelling salts from the Box of Chaos.
• The Triforce Dong Danglers flag (three dongs connected).
• The Jacksonville jaguar magnet.
• Frigid Doom’s touchscreen and Gundam weapon upgrade ($399 from the Duke’s store).

Lore statements

• The Grandmaster created three teams this season; Team C is now the Triforce Dong Danglers.
• The season’s champions are “their versions that exist in this reality” (Drew, Dried Blood creator note).
• Champions killed in the match were revived on the spot by the Grandmaster at the end.
• The Box of Chaos contains a hand that considers the box its home.

Quotes by character

Bob the Barbarian

• 0:15:25 “Once you go Duval, you never don’t Duval. Duval!”
• 0:26:21 “Now, Frigidoom, let me introduce you to something I like to call my trouser snake!”
• 0:28:13 “That’s right, it’s the Ass Jaguar! Ass Jaguar, to me!”
• 0:34:20 “Nothing betrays Florida Man that’s from the state of Florida.”
• 0:53:03 “I wait until they have died and then I prepare them as is want with their religion, for they want to be digested by me so that they can live on within me.”
• 0:58:27 “I’ve never missed the hole in my life.”
• 1:03:23 “Nobody gets through my jorts into my asshole except for me.”
• 1:12:12 “Good girl, Denise. Good girl. Daddy’s proud of you. Daddy’s gonna eat you one day, but not yet.”
• 1:20:54 “If there’s one thing I know, the Florida man always finds his mark eventually.”
• 1:39:28 “Exactly, because they want me to. I am their god!”
• 2:02:22 “Beaten by a pack of children and not felled by a worthy foe? Fridge, you were worthy.”
• 2:03:00 “My gators. Yes. Papa’s coming home. Papa’s coming home.”
• 2:05:09 “For we are the Triforce Dongdanglers!”

Frigid Doom

• 0:12:02 “Ignore the nacho cheese. It’s still moving for some reason, but it should still be edible.”
• 0:27:25 “I feel my water line, my pipes are being invaded by this strange trouser snake.”
• 0:36:04 “All your fiery spirit has me bubbling and bubbling and bubbling, but I think it’s time for you to chill, Bob.”
• 0:41:49 “How can so many of you fit inside? It doesn’t make any sense… They’re all contortionists.”
• 0:51:35 “Ah, the enchanting smell of Chinese takeout long past its due.”
• 1:07:12 “This will not stand. I will devour you all.”
• 1:17:22 “I feel I’ve been spoiled by your companionship, friends. No pun intended.”
• 1:32:12 “This smell, it’s so familiar. It’s like home.”
• 1:33:13 “The true power of my beautiful, frigid body, my self-patented cleaning cycle.”
• 1:47:40 “But understand that you’ll be going to a better place.” / 1:47:46 (Kyle narrating) “You’ll be going to my stomach.”
• 1:56:48 “At long last, my touchscreen has come.”
• 2:00:47 “They’re so mean. Bob, they’re so mean. I’m just a fridge.”
• 2:01:08 “We would have been the leftovers. Yes, that would have been the team, the leftovers. Perhaps in another time.”

The Duke

• 0:10:46 “I am here to grace the masses with my magic and my, well, fecal matter as usual.”
• 0:11:01 “A couple of my enemies’ corpses, a bit of cheeses every now and again. I even acquired one from 1832.”
• 0:24:48 “In the rules that I am writing right now, it says that you, Frigidoom, specifically can’t. I’ve made it. It is canon now.”
• 0:45:06 “For my next trick, I will make your chances of victory disappear!”
• 0:48:28 “Feel the power of Brooklyn.”
• 0:58:10 “Life has many doors and many holes… You missed the wrong hole.”
• 1:01:55 “You are now addicted, brother. Join us.”
• 1:12:47 “It is time to awaken. The shitlord.”
• 1:28:45 “What’s the matter, Frigidoom? Freezer burn got your tongue?”
• 1:46:04 “I’m broken, I’m bloodied, but I’m not out yet! My heart’s still in it!”
• 1:48:45 “He is a simple rat man in a single outfit bought from a dollar store. He is no magician.”
• 1:49:49 “Why the hell is there a turkey sandwich in here? Whatever. Goodbye. I will return eventually.”
• 2:15:55 (Dried Blood) “I hope you’re listening, Arbiter. I’m coming for your soul and your throne soon.”

Thea

• 0:07:35 “Was I supposed to do that? I mean, I fed them to Doug.”
• 0:08:20 “But I was saving the trees by saying no to paper.”
• 0:08:36 “I can start saving those now if you hand me the jar behind you.”
• 0:10:31 “That way, maybe you can tax deduct all the blood they’re gonna lose tonight.”
• 0:34:52 “It is a 10, which is average. Average is good.”
• 0:55:20 “That’s all I can count to, so don’t ask me to do the next round.”
• 1:30:31 “That is double what the Arbiter did, which means I get double his pay.”

The Arbiter

• 0:08:05 “You’re about seven weeks old. I think it’s time for you to hear this. You fucked us.”
• 0:08:29 “When you take a fart, they need to smell it.”
• 0:10:19 “Well, zero times anything is still zero.”
• 0:44:14 “It just sounds bad. And I’ve been a lot of bad places.”
• 0:44:29 “Yeah, also invasive.”
• 0:48:57 “That’s right, Acolytes. I have done it. They said it was impossible, but not for me.”
• 1:02:04 “This whole team’s going to have a meth problem.”
• 1:25:51 (the Box of Chaos hand, inferred) “What the fuck, guy? You can’t just kick my house like that.”
• 1:26:34 (the Box of Chaos hand, inferred) “I’ve seen bigger.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

• 0:15:16 “I knew it was a mistake sending them to Duval for the week.”
• 0:18:23 “That is going to be the person you all follow, the decisions you will obey, the location you will follow to live at.”
• 0:19:28 “I now hate all of you equally.”
• 0:20:13 “This bar means nothing to me. He means nothing to me. Destroy this place.”
• 0:46:11 “The Grandmaster bows to the Duke. I apologize. That previous joke was clearly uncalled for. You have what it takes.”
• 0:53:47 “If you beat him, you beat a god.”
• 1:02:07 “We don’t condone crystal meth, Acolytes.”
• 1:04:47 “Roll to yeehaw, motherfuckers.”
• 2:03:30 “Bob. You’ve held out long enough.”
• 2:05:41 “No longer Team C, but the… Triforce Dong Danglers!”
• 2:06:46 “May your dawns tingle forever or whatever. This is it, Acolytes. We now have our three teams.”

Emmery

• 0:20:34 “I do not have insurance.”

The children (Bec)

• 1:58:24 “Refrigerators are dumb!” / “I hate Florida!” / “Duval sucks!”
• 1:59:37 “My grandmother makes crotch chicken better than that.”