D20 Deathmatch Wiki

S7E8 — Private Bathrooms — Livid Lady Lin v Gandor Thalion Umbrae

Properties1
tagsepisode, season-7

30 min read

Champions and playersEmily Graymoor (@unbalancedencounters) as Livid Lady Lin; Patrick Perini (@unbalancedencounters) as Gandor Thalion Umbrae
ResultLivid Lady Lin (kills Gandor with a bounced-back lightning bolt). The Arbiter then kills her with Power Word Kill.
Arenaa giant snowy mountain peak, reached through a portal the Arbiter opens on top of the Grandmaster’s toilet
HostsMudcat (narration, the Arbiter) and Caustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer, Thea, chaos events)
WatchYouTube

What happens

Opening — the Grandmaster’s private bathroom

  1. 0:00:43 Bec narrates the Acolytes’ arrival at the fortress itself: “not the hut, not the cabin.” They come deep underground, through the wide-open skull, into empty hallways. The Grandmaster is nowhere to be found. The clacking of the Arbiter’s “disgusting Italian shoes” echoes as he opens door after door. “Grandmaster, it’s Deathmatch Day. I need you.” Bec scolds him for not screaming as cued.
  2. 0:01:41 A yelp comes from behind a heavy wooden door. The Grandmaster: “I’m pooping!” Arbiter: “Oh, yeah, no, I smell that now.” She asks if he brought toilet paper. She sent Thea for toilet paper 30 minutes ago: “It’s an emergency.” The Arbiter says that’s on her, given how often she scolds him for sending Thea on errands. He just saw Thea running around the lava fields, so she won’t be back soon.
  3. 0:02:16 The GM explains it is “meant to be a private bathroom”. Thea doesn’t pay attention to that. She begs him to use his “fancy little hands” and magic, or she’ll be late to the Deathmatch.
  4. 0:02:44 — The toilet paper. The Arbiter walks a roll over and sets it on the floor under the stall door, just far enough that she has to lean awkwardly off the toilet to reach it, “just to make you uncomfortable.” “The smell is very strong. This is as close as I’m getting.” She tips forward on her toes, the seat cracks, and her fingertips miss. “Come on!” He kicks it toward her.
  5. 0:03:27 — Champions in the bathroom. The Arbiter claps, rips a portal open in the bathroom, and introduces Livid Lady Lin and Gandor Thalion. “Welcome to the Grandmaster’s private bathroom.”
  6. 0:04:04 — Lin’s introduction. Livid Lady Lin is a five-foot “wizard machine”, very hench under blue and black robes. Her spellbook looks small on her because she’s so buff, and she uses it as a weight. She sparks a little flame on her thumb, like a match, to air out the bathroom.
  7. 0:04:52 — Gandor’s introduction. “My name is Gandor Thalion Umbrae, and you will address me as such using the entire thing every time.” “You have three names?” “I have many names. These are the three that are the most expedient for the likes of you.” Arbiter: “What, are you planning to shoot a president or something?” Gandor: he has not yet “gazed into the orb of time” to see if that is his fate, “but it is not outside the realm of possibility.” Arbiter: “I’m not going to remember that.”
  8. 0:05:32 An eye peeks through the stall gap: “Just one more minute… Shake hands or something.”
  9. 0:05:49 — Old rivals. Gandor: “We know each other too, too well.” Lin: “I would say nice to see you again, Gandalf, but it ain’t.” Gandor: “You’re looking as pugnacious as ever, Liv.” “Why, thank you.” “That was not a compliment.” Lin: “I don’t use my book learnings for learning words. I use it for learning spells to kick your ass.”
  10. 0:06:19 The toilet flushes and the door pops open. The GM washes her hands, nods to Lin (“Nice to meet you”) and to Gandor. “There’s no smoking in the bathroom.” Gandor: “What kind of establishment is this?” “A private one.” She ate 12 Brussels sprouts today “and everybody’s gonna pay for it.” She asks for fresh air.
  11. 0:07:06 — The arena. The Arbiter’s portal opens directly on the Grandmaster’s toilet. They jump through to a giant snowy mountain region. Millions of Acolytes fill the grandstands above, throwing blue slushies and ripping their shirts off, “nipples hard in the cold weather.” They chant the champions’ names, except Gandor’s: it’s too long, too many names. Gandor: “I will remember this, all of you.”
  12. 0:08:02 The Arbiter flares his wings: “Acolytes, are you ready for some blood?… Sorry, Grandmaster, not for you.” The GM comes through last, closing the portal and the toilet seat behind her.
  13. 0:08:11 — The GM’s speech. They are on this peak “not for the view” but for spilled blood, broken bone and torn flesh. “Show us who you really are in every hit, every spell. Give us a story so that when your bones do lay to rest under this snowy peak, it is your name that will be remembered… that will sprawl down this mountainside like an avalanche for all of eternity.” She flies up among the Acolytes. “Do not disappoint me.”
  14. 0:09:31 — Initiative. Gandor rolls 19 and Lin rolls 8. Gandor: “I shall be undefeated.” The GM checks that everyone agrees 19 is higher than 8.
  15. 0:10:00 The Arbiter shoves Doug, asleep in his chair, out of his seat. “The dog was here first. Fucking Doug.”

Round 1

  1. 0:10:23 Gandor levels his staff at Liv: “Today, we settle this once and for all. Have at thee!” A crystalline orb congeals between his whirling hands. “Orb of Infinite Ponder!” (Confounding Shadows). Lin fails the Wisdom save. Table: “Were they children’s books?” “I don’t read books for learning… I read them for hurting.” Her gaze is absorbed by the levitating orb, so she can’t see him. He steps back into the mountaintop mists. GM: “All right, John Cena.” “Love a game of hide and go seek.”
  2. 0:12:44 — Biological warfare. Lin: “You know what I do to things that I can’t see?… I use biological warfare.” Arbiter: “Breaking the Geneva Convention.” Popeye-style, she squeezes a can of baked beans, swallows them down and casts Gust of Wind (“Baked Beans”), a horrific wind in every direction. Bec: “Be one with the wind!… This is very eco-friendly.” Lin: “It’s a good thing we’re in the toilet.” A stuck template on screen becomes, per the GM, the expelled wind “solidified into a giant brick”, a “60 foot long shit brick.”
  3. 0:15:06 Gandor fails the Strength save and is blown 15 feet away. Moving toward her costs double for one minute, “while I concentrate on farting very, very loudly.” The GM adds a d4 of noxious poison damage “because it was the beans”: it rolls a 4, “but it burns the nostrils.” Patrick: in the windy haze, a little light tries to go up on Gandor’s pipe.
  4. 0:16:44 — Thea. A small pink impish pig-like creature off to the side vacuums up the scent: “I’m going to turn this into a candle!” GM: “This is the strangest wizard versus wizard duel I have ever seen.” Arbiter: “I’ve seen stranger, but that wasn’t [was in?] Tijuana.” GM: “Buckle in… this is gonna beat Tijuana.” The Arbiter literally pulls a seatbelt out of his chair. “This is not a rollercoaster ride.”

Round 2

  1. 0:17:40 “Dos en Spanish!” The GM says “Gandor Thalion, hombre!” and it echoes across the mountain. Gandor: “Thank you for getting it right. Liv, what is wrong with you?” “Everything.” “Foul creature, give me your blood!”
  2. 0:18:15 — “Give Me Your Blood” (Blood Bolt, with advantage from being unseen). It hits. The orb shatters into “a trillion pieces”, raking her skin and cutting her veins. Gandor grabs her blood out of midair, then realizes he has this woman’s blood all over his hand: “Why is it thick?… Do you need a doctor?” He gains temporary hit points.
  3. 0:19:44 Lin: “Listen, I don’t know if you know much about women, but once a month…” She thanks him for helping her “pass through things very quickly”: “Can I sign up next?” Table: a women’s health clinic. Arbiter: “He moonlights as a gynecologist.” Gandor goes pale and sallow. “Liv, you are undeserving of the tower. You are a foul creature and you will lose.” “That’s not a nice thing to say to a lady.” “A lady, of course.”
  4. 0:20:41 — “You Wouldn’t Hit a Woman, Would You?” (Mage Armor). After a sheet hunt, Drew adds the spell to her list. Lin asks “Patrick, did you remove my…” and Patrick answers “You can’t prove I touched any stuff.” To Gandor, the buff, gruff champion is replaced by a mirage of a frail, petite, cute person, and her voice comes out tiny: “You wouldn’t hit a woman, would you?” Patrick: “Genuinely speechless. Confused. Perhaps aroused.”

Chaos event — the chinchilla avalanche (0:23:06)

  1. The Arbiter says the Acolytes demand a chaotic event. The table chants “Chaos!”
  2. 0:24:00 The mountaintop goes eerily quiet, then rumbles. A peak to the north casts a shadow and collapses into an avalanche, but it isn’t snow. It’s a herd of giant fluffy white chinchillas. The GM: “in our world, we call them chinchillas” (heard as “chinkillas”). DC 16 Dex. Both are trampled by hundreds of tiny paws. “Get him off!”
  3. 0:25:01 At the front is a small chinchilla in a hard hat, smoking a cigarette: “Get him, boys!” Then “Chinchilla latch!” A whistle blows in the distance: “That’s lunch, boys.” They wander off very casually. Patrick: “Union regs on these chinchillas.” Lin: “Always take your fucking breaks.”
  4. 0:25:48 Lin thought they were for lunch: “chinchilla tacos.” One chinchilla gives her a big side-eye and a middle finger before scampering off. Gandor: “Hey, no overtime. A matter of regulation. I approve.”

The tower

  1. 0:26:23 The GM asks what this “tower” is. Lin: “My tower. Look, I’m ready to move in. I got my boxes ready.” Gandor: “We all have boxes.” Lin: “At least I got balls in my boxes.” Arbiter: is this “some sort of weird sexual euphemism?” Gandor: “It’s a literal wizard’s tower and I will have it.”
  2. 0:27:04 Lin: the tower is hers, and so are all the adventurers who’ll come into it and all their gold. “If you’re not in the tower business as a wizard, then you’re doing something wrong.” GM: “Does it have a pool, though?” Lin: “One of the West Wings has a pool.” Gandor: “It has reflecting pools, it has pondering pools, it has summoning pools.”
  3. 0:27:36 Lin: “Oh, shut up with your pondering pools.” Gandor: “I will ponder what I like, woman.” Lin: “Didn’t your mom ever tell you if you ponder too much, you’ll go blind?”
  4. 0:27:51 — “Shut the Fuck Up” (Zip It), cast as a reaction to her vocalizing. Lin’s mouth fuses shut, “smooth like a Ken doll.” The DMs rule it lasts at least two turns.
  5. 0:29:08 Mouth fused, Lin casts Mold Earth to write “fuck you” in the snow (inferred from “So right in the snow, in the ground, fuck you”). Arbiter: “Good recap.” GM: most spells need a verbal component. Arbiter: “Listen, I could do it, but that’s me.”

Round 3

  1. 0:29:49 GM: “You’re the only one talking, so say a lot!” Gandor: “I plan on it.” Patrick: finally she can’t speak over him, “you best believe I’m about to pontificate.” Arbiter: “He casts this only because he wants the monologue.”
  2. 0:30:20 It takes “100% of my voltage” to push through the wind wall and close the 15 feet. Gandor: “You have no business taking occupancy of a sage’s tower. You have no right to inherit its tomes. You are not worthy of its orbs and its many pools. Have at thee!” He swings his quarterstaff (“just vengeance”) and misses.
  3. 0:31:32 — The mouth. Liv catches the staff, glares, takes out her dagger and cuts her own mouth open, taking slashing damage. The GM asks if her lips come back. Lin: no. It’s like the Mouth of Sauron from the Lord of the Rings extended edition. Arbiter compares it to “that guy from Hellboy… Clockwork guy.” She spits a glob of blood: “Gandor, we need to talk.” GM: “Your teeth have got to be so dry not having lips.”
  4. 0:34:49 GM: “There’s not enough Lord of the Rings references… I will definitely be stealing ‘I will diminish you into the West.’” Arbiter: it needs a “bitch” at the end.
  5. 0:35:16 — Knockoff Gandalf. GM: “Let’s roll into the next round for knockoff Gandar, Gandoff…” Gandor: “He’s a Gandoff clone.” GM: “You don’t even have a long enough beard. It’s too dark of a gray.” Gandor: “It is not my fault that your pixel editor only had one color gray.” Arbiter: you can change the saturation in settings. Gandor: “I’M NOT THE COMPUTER GUY, MAN!… I AIN’T NO ORBS!” GM: “That’s a different wizard, an IT wizard.” Arbiter: “He only knows orbs and orb related subject matter.” Lin: “Orbs and orb related activity. Orb iOS.” GM: “Hard to get funding in those areas of research.”

Round 4

  1. 0:36:41 — “The Big Sad” (Intrusive Despair). Gandor grabs the wrist of her stabbing hand and pulls her in, though he’s “weak as hell” and she doesn’t move at all. “You are the most undeserving spellcaster I have ever encountered. And the fact that we are the two finalists for this lease is unacceptable. You will capitulate.” She must make a Wisdom save (DC 17) before each of her next three actions or attacks. Lin has +0 Wisdom.
  2. 0:38:38 — The Acolytes’ slushies. The Arbiter tells her the Acolytes have given her five blue slushies, a +4 to everything (“until they don’t like you”). She succeeds with 23. Asked how she rejects the doubts: “She just doesn’t hand them.” Patrick: “There’s just nothing going on up there.” Gandor gets so angry his orb explodes. GM: if he can’t get the tower, “there’s an empty space up here in Lynn’s head… You can move in there.” Lin: “If anyone wants to pay me rent, there’s plenty of room.”
  3. 0:40:25 — “I think it’s time we called your mom” (Summon Draconic Spirit). Lin mimes a phone call: “Hello, Mrs. [Gandor?]… he’s been a right fucking terror… he was swearing… he’s smoking, and I caught him pondering his orbs again… I’ll see you in five.” The GM lets her describe the draconic spirit however she likes.
  4. 0:41:21 — Gandor’s mother. An old woman steps out of a portal in a pink fluffy bathrobe, curlers in her hair, a cigarette pinched between her lips. “I thought I told you to stop pondering them orbs!” She takes off a slipper and throws it (the breath weapon). Gandor panics: “This is an illusion! You cannot hit me without my consent!” and casts Shield (“You Cannot Legally Hit Me Without My Consent”). It’s a Dex save, so Shield doesn’t help.
  5. 0:42:57 The slipper matches the bathrobe and has little floppy bunny ears. In a Matrix move, Gandor leans back and it skims across his chest, so he takes half. He snaps back up face to face with his opponent and his mother.
  6. 0:43:44 — Adrenaline vs fatigue. The Arbiter explains that Lin’s five adrenaline means maximum damage plus the roll, and Gandor has five fatigue on top. The half-damage slipper deals 31. “The Acolytes have chosen who they’re cheering for tonight.” Bec: “The effort to gift was equal, but in different directions.” The Arbiter adds that Gandor also has five adrenaline, so his next hit crits.
  7. 0:44:49 — Gandor’s heroic surge. The GM grants Gandor a heroic surge (“go plus ultra on one thing”). “The thing you don’t want is to die without using it. And in that case, I will revive you just to pummel you back into the earth again.”
  8. 0:45:45 Nobody knows what round it is. The GM proposes a breather. Arbiter: “I could use a bathroom break now that the smell is dissipated.” GM: “Don’t mention bathroom around me right now. It’s still a sore subject.”

Break (0:46:12–0:56:19)

Round 5

  1. 0:56:19 Arbiter: “It’s time for one of these fuckers to die.” GM: “Or at least within the next 40, 45 minutes.” Gandor: “And we all know who it will be.” GM: “Who?” Lin answers first. “Lin, shut up!” GM: “Lin answered first, so that makes it correct… I don’t make up the rules. Actually, no, I do.”
  2. 0:57:04 — The dragon. Patrick: his mom, “a normal little old lady” (Bec: “a little, little old 20-foot lady”), has beaten him to absolute shit. Gandor is a transmutation wizard and spends his heroic surge to polymorph into an adult red dragon (“Ancient would be gauche”). Still under the slipper (“I’m sorry, I’m sorry”), he becomes the dragon from Disney’s The Sword in the Stone: portly, red, not intimidating in any way, about the size of his summoned mother, still with his beard and pipe. He has tiny T-Rex arms (“early DreamWorks… very cartoon-ass dragon”).
  3. 0:59:07 He speaks by telepathy: he gave up on dragon lips long ago, “so now you all get to hear him without him expending any effort. Which is maybe the worst of both worlds.” Lin: “No one wants to hear him any easier.” Arbiter, leaning back: “I’m unimpressed. I’ve seen a dragon before.”
  4. 1:00:09 — “Embarrassing Browsing History” (Evard’s Black Tentacles). Lin: “You may have seen a dragon before, but you probably haven’t seen this before.” The GM adds an extra d6 if it hits, “because to have your internet history shared in front of your mother.” Gandor makes the Strength save with the dragon’s bonus, but the 20-ft square becomes difficult terrain. Gandor: “Why did you take so many difficult terrain spells?” Lin: “Them tentacles are supposed to hurt you… You were supposed to be small and piddly.”
  5. 1:02:45 GM: “If this is from your internet history, you like this, right?” Gandor: “I refuse to comment.” His mother: “Gandalf, Gandalf, have you been looking up that hint I gave? I told you before.” Gandor: “Mother, this doesn’t concern you.” He turns an even brighter red, until it hurts to look at him.
  6. 1:03:17 — Lin’s heroic surge. The GM: “You’re pulling up every bit of dirt that you can… both literally and figuratively.” Lin is granted a heroic surge. Lin: “I may not be able to hurt you physically, but I can hurt you mentally.” GM: “I’m about ready to die of secondhand embarrassment.” The dragon has 256 HP. Patrick: “I’m the anti-Hulk. When I get angry enough, I turn into a frail old man.”

Round 6

  1. 1:05:18 — The fire breath. Gandor uses the dragon’s fire breath in a cone over Lin and his mother (DC 21 Dex). His mother fails: “Close, but no cigar.” “She just has a cigarette.” Lin succeeds with the Acolytes’ +1. The damage is 165. Mom is dead. “Roast dead.” Half damage would still drop Lin.
  2. 1:08:45 — “Miss Me With That Shit.” Lin spends her heroic surge on Expeditious Retreat (“Miss Me With That Shit”): “I would love to just quit.” “Mum, disintegrate, fucking pieces out real quick.” With the surge, a reroll of her Dex save against DC 12 is allowed. Natural 20: she dodges entirely, avoiding “82 and a half points of damage.” Patrick: “Ladies and gentlemen, Emily does it again.” “I’m beginning to think this game is rigged.” Lin: “The dice gods clearly want me to win this challenge.”
  3. 1:10:44 — Gandor breaks. Gandor deflates in a cloud of smoke and steam. When it clears he is a human man on his knees, weeping: “It’s not fair! I was so close!” Lin: “I kind of feel a little bit bad.” Arbiter: “Don’t feel bad, you killed your mom. Not everyone gets to say that.” The table starts a GoFundMe for the funeral costs: “support the GoFundMe… for his mom killer.” Lin now has seven adrenaline; Gandor has five fatigue. Patrick: “The chat knows a heel when they see one.”
  4. 1:12:19 Arbiter: Lin dodged the breath “with that hot Cheeto breath.” Lin thought the dodge was her whole turn; it was her reaction.
  5. 1:12:49 — “Nylon Robes” (Lightning Bolt). Lin points her dagger at the kneeling Gandor. His robes change and cling to him, and static electricity forms all around him. He fails the save, and the damage would be 120.
  6. 1:14:39 — Counterspell. From the ground: “No, no. I shall not lose! Counterspell.” Lin had her own counterspell ready (“my Uno reverse card”) but had used her reaction this round. The DMs make it a flat d20 roll-off, with Gandor getting +3 for a 3rd-level slot. They tie at 15 (“It’s like war!”), “just bouncing this electricity between each other,” and roll again. Lin wins. Arbiter: “Well, Gandor, we certainly tried.” The 120 points of lightning bounce back onto him.
  7. 1:17:05 — Gandor’s death. His hand reaches out to Lin in a desperate plea for mercy. As the lightning takes hold, he flips her off and explodes into glittering pipe dust.
  8. 1:17:28 — The lease. In a distant office millions of miles away, a little pixie in a green accounting visor takes out a giant quill and pens Lin’s name on the lease for the wizard’s tower. “It is official. You have won the duel.” Gandor: “Gandor is hard to kill.”
  9. 1:18:21 — Gandor’s dreams. His dust particles float up to the Acolytes’ stratosphere, and they can see his memories and hopes for the tower: “so many orbs… Balls everywhere.” The Acolytes will hold the memory “until your particles begin to be sucked up by a small pink little imp with a vacuum cleaner.”
  10. 1:19:07 — Lin’s victory. The GM floats down to “livid Lady Len”: “Lady. You are the winner.” She explains “Lady” is part of the name, and the table collapses (“I’ve lost the plot officially”). Patrick: “This is every game with Emily Graymoor.”
  11. 1:20:28 With a snap of her fingers the GM brings the leasing papers from the pixie’s desk into her hand and gives them to Lin: “you now can move in all those boxes… the charred mother… the tower is yours… Shall you conquer lands? Shall you build castles? What shall you do from your wondrous tower?” Lin: “I’m gonna watch the Gilmore Girls.”
  12. 1:21:29 — The Arbiter’s verdict. “Power word kill. I’m not fucking standing for that.” Lin dies. Lin: “Neither of us deserve the tower or to live. I completely agree.”
  13. 1:21:53 The little vacuum comes out again for her remains. “Out of kindness, Thea slips a DVD copy of the Gilmore Girls (a box set) into the vacuum’s dirt bag so that you may rest with them alongside you.”
  14. 1:22:21 — The Arbiter wants the tower. GM: “Why?” Arbiter: “Honestly, I kind of wanted the tower… my lab is getting kind of cramped.” Lin: it’s a hundred floors. GM: “a lot of pools for pondering.” Arbiter: “Very affordable rent. I was thinking about blowing out that west wall they were talking about and expanding.”
  15. 1:22:52 — Closing. GM: “Enough!” She has no champion to present: “a wizard duel to the death with more than one wizard apparently than we expected.” Arbiter: “You can’t call me out like that in front of the Acolytes… Whatever beef you and I have, that’s for private.” GM: “When we get back to the private bathroom, we will have words.” “I don’t want to go back to your smelly bathroom.” “That’s where the portal is.” “I can make another portal.”
  16. 1:23:42 The champions “now rest in pieces, really itty bitty tiny pieces… they drove themselves to great heights and great smells and oftentimes a lack of sight. It was truly baffling. May you hold onto this confusion for all of eternity.” She claps and shoots into the sky: “Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”

Dried Blood (after-show)

Canon (in-character / lore drops)

  • 1:30:28 — Drew: “This is actual lore here. This is canon.” Thea takes the vacuum bags back to her closet of a room, dumps them out, and tries to piece Gandor and Lin together one speck of dust at a time. Thea (Bec): “This is going to be my greatest puzzle.” (Dried Blood)
  • 1:31:45 Bec: maybe there’s only enough for one body and two heads. Drew: “we’ve combined people’s bodies a number of times. I think we’re becoming predictable.” (Speculation only.)
  • 1:35:22 Bec: “Gandor’s mom’s kebabs” (charred meat) for the food court. “No waste at D20 Deathmatch… Once you’re here, you’re forever here.” (Dried Blood; a riff, logged as said.)
  • 1:35:45 Drew: “Why do you think the Grandmaster was in the bathroom for that long?” Bec: digestive issues are “a very relatable experience.”
  • 1:36:40 Arbiter: “I’m the Arbiter, and welcome to my crib. We’re gonna do all 100 floors, so I hope you have a snack.” (An “Arbiter’s Cribs” riff.)
  • 1:37:52 Final words. Gandor: “Gandor Thalion Umbrae. I will remember every single one of you.” (No final words from Lin are recorded.)

Out-of-character (creator notes)

  • Patrick Perini (PC Perini) is showrunner of Unbalanced Encounters. Emily Graymoor (“spelled the English way”) is an illustrator and game designer on TikTok and Instagram, and appears on UnbalancedEncounters.com. It was their first time on the show.
  • All spells were renamed as “wizard posting”, a bit from wizard-battle TikTok memes.
    • Lin’s spell names:
      • Nylon Robes = Lightning Bolt
      • Baked Beans = Gust of Wind
      • Miss Me With That Shit = Expeditious Retreat
      • Embarrassing Browsing History = Evard’s Black Tentacles
    • Lin’s unused spell names:
      • Inexplicable Leg Cramp = Ray of Frost
      • Old Twitter Posts = True Strike
      • Forever on the Edge of Sneezing; Finding Hair in Your Food; Connected No Internet (maybe Shatter, “no one knows”)
    • Gandor’s spell names:
      • Orb of Infinite Ponder = Confounding Shadows
      • Give Me Your Blood = Blood Bolt
      • You Cannot Legally Hit Me Without My Consent = Shield (wasted against a Dex save)
      • Shut the Fuck Up = Zip It (Hellion’s Guide to Monster Hunting)
      • The Big Sad = Intrusive Despair (Crooked Moon)
    • Gandor’s unused spell names: Instant Liver Transplant = Theft of Vitae (Grim Hollow); Blow Me to Bermuda = Dimension Door; Leg Is Asleep. Some were Sword in the Stone references.
  • The Acolyte-interaction (adrenaline/fatigue) mechanic is described as new. Emily: it saved her; her character is “vibes only.” Patrick: “Let the fans speak.” He had both adrenaline and fatigue all game, and joked it was D20 fans versus Unbalanced Encounters fans, plus the GoFundMe “crowdfunding my redemption arc.”
  • Patrick confirms in-joke canon: “Was it my mother?… No, it was actually your mother.” “I’ll have to deal with that crippling guilt.”
  • Chat noted that in five years the show had never opened in the bathroom.
  • Audio talk: Thea’s voice peaks; Brennan Lee Mulligan, “five compressors in serial”; Drew lives “on the fader.”
  • They’re invited back; Patrick: “we were disintegrated and bagged, so probably not.”

Who and what appears

Characters

Livid Lady Lin (Emily Graymoor). Called Liv by Gandor.

  • A five-foot, very buff wizard in blue and black robes. She lifts her hefty spellbook as a weight and lights a thumb flame like a match.
  • Reads books “for hurting,” not for learning words. Wisdom +0; “nothing going on up there.”
  • A long-time rival of Gandor. They are the two finalists for the lease of a 100-floor wizard’s tower. She wanted its adventurers and gold.
  • Cut her own fused mouth open with a dagger, leaving her lipless like the Mouth of Sauron.
  • Summoned Gandor’s mother, whom Gandor’s dragon breath then killed.
  • Won the duel and the lease. Planned to watch Gilmore Girls. Killed by the Arbiter’s Power Word Kill; her dust was vacuumed up by Thea with a Gilmore Girls DVD box set.

Gandor Thalion Umbrae (Patrick Perini).

  • A transmutation wizard and “Gandoff clone” with a too-dark gray beard, a pipe, a staff and a crystalline orb. Insists on all three names; has “many names.”
  • Wears elven mithril chainmail, said to be from the King of the Elves (speaker uncertain).
  • Obsessed with orbs, “orb related activity,” and pondering pools. Weak (“I’m weak as hell”). Speaks telepathically while polymorphed. Approves of chinchilla union rules.
  • Polymorphed into a portly Sword in the Stone-style red dragon and killed his own mother with fire breath.
  • Disintegrated into glittering pipe dust by his own counterspelled lightning bolt, flipping Lin off as he died. The Acolytes saw his dreams: orbs everywhere.

Gandor’s mother (voiced by Emily, as Lin’s Summon Draconic Spirit). An old woman in a pink fluffy bathrobe with curlers and a cigarette. She scolds him for pondering orbs and throws a bunny-ear slipper. Burned to death by her son’s dragon breath. Patrick confirms in Dried Blood it was really his mother.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec).

  • Has a private bathroom in the fortress. Ate 12 Brussels sprouts.
  • Grants heroic surges; threatens to revive anyone who dies without using one “just to pummel you back into the earth.”
  • Handed Lin the lease. Has “beef” with the Arbiter, to be settled privately.

The Arbiter (Drew).

  • Italian shoes. Placed the toilet paper just out of reach. Shoved Doug out of his chair. Carries a seatbelt in his chair.
  • Admits he has hit women “many times.”
  • Killed the winner with Power Word Kill because he wanted the tower for his cramped lab; plans to blow out the west wall.

Thea. A small pink impish pig-like creature who:

  • was sent for toilet paper and went running around the lava fields;
  • vacuums the fart smell to make a candle;
  • vacuums both champions’ dust, adding a Gilmore Girls DVD;
  • in Dried Blood, is piecing them back together.

Doug. Sleeping in the Arbiter’s seat; shoved out.

The chinchilla herd and their hard-hat foreman. Unionized, they take lunch on a whistle with no overtime. One flipped off Lin.

The leasing pixie. Works in a distant office and wears a green accounting visor; pens the lease.

The King of the Elves. Named as the source of the mithril only.

Places

  • The fortress (inferred: the Dread Fortress): deep underground, entered through a skull opening. It holds the Grandmaster’s private bathroom, with stalls and a heavy wooden door.
  • The lava fields, where Thea was running.
  • The snowy mountain peak arena, reached via a portal on the toilet.
  • The wizard’s / sage’s tower: 100 floors, a West Wing with a pool, reflecting, pondering and summoning pools, and a west wall. The lease went to Lin; the Arbiter wants it.
  • The pixie’s distant office.
  • “The Eastlands” / “the West” (Lord of the Rings phrasing; unclear).
  • Thea’s closet of a room (Dried Blood).

Items

Lore statements

  • The Acolytes give champions blue slushies (adrenaline) or fatigue, and openly picked favorites.
  • Heroic surges are granted by the GM.
  • Dust remains are vacuumed by Thea and, per Drew, she tries to reassemble champions.

Quotes by character

Livid Lady Lin

  • 0:05:54 “I would say nice to see you again, Gandalf, but it ain’t.”
  • 0:06:08 “I don’t use my book learnings for learning words. I use it for learning spells to kick your ass.”
  • 0:12:53 “I use biological warfare, is what I use.”
  • 0:22:00 “You wouldn’t hit a woman, would you?”
  • 0:26:36 “My tower. Look, see, I’m ready to move in. I got my boxes ready and everything.”
  • 0:27:17 “If you’re not in the tower business as a wizard, then you’re doing something wrong.”
  • 0:27:42 “Didn’t your mom ever tell you if you ponder too much, you’ll go blind?”
  • 0:32:54 “Gandor, we need to talk.”
  • 0:34:33 “I’m going to fucking diminish you into the West.” (speaker likely Lin)
  • 1:03:39 “I may not be able to hurt you physically, but I can hurt you mentally.”
  • 1:10:40 “The dice gods clearly want me to win this challenge.”
  • 1:21:17 “I’m gonna watch the Gilmore Girls.”
  • 1:21:38 “Neither of us deserve the tower or to live. I completely agree.”

Gandor Thalion Umbrae

  • 0:04:52 “My name is Gandor Thalion Umbrae, and you will address me as such using the entire thing every time.”
  • 0:05:02 “I have many names. These are the three that are the most expedient for the likes of you.”
  • 0:07:58 “I will remember this, all of you.”
  • 0:10:31 “Today, we settle this once and for all. Have at thee!”
  • 0:18:11 “Foul creature, give me your blood!”
  • 0:20:25 “Liv, you are undeserving of the tower. You are a foul creature and you will lose.”
  • 0:26:10 “Hey, no overtime. A matter of regulation. I approve.”
  • 0:30:50 “You have no business taking occupancy of a sage’s tower… You are not worthy of its orbs and its many pools.”
  • 0:35:45 “I’M NOT THE COMPUTER GUY, MAN!”
  • 0:37:32 “The fact that we are the two finalists for this lease is unacceptable. You will capitulate.”
  • 0:42:22 “This is an illusion! You cannot hit me without my consent!”
  • 1:03:01 “Mother, this doesn’t concern you.”
  • 1:11:12 “It’s not fair! I was so close!”
  • 1:14:39 “No, no. I shall not lose! Counterspell.”
  • 1:37:52 “I will remember every single one of you.” (Dried Blood)

Gandor’s mother

  • 0:41:36 “I thought I told you to stop pondering them orbs!”
  • 1:02:55 “Gandalf, Gandalf, have you been looking up that hint I gave? I told you before.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

  • 0:01:47 “I’m pooping!”
  • 0:02:16 “It’s meant to be a private bathroom. Of course, Thea doesn’t pay attention to that.”
  • 0:06:37 “There’s no smoking in the bathroom.”
  • 0:06:48 “I just ate 12 Brussels sprouts today and everybody’s gonna pay for it.”
  • 0:08:35 “Give us a story so that when your bones do lay to rest under this snowy peak, it is your name that will be remembered.”
  • 0:17:00 “This is the strangest wizard versus wizard duel I have ever seen.”
  • 0:29:51 “You’re the only one talking, so say a lot!”
  • 0:39:47 “If you can’t get the tower, just know that there’s an empty space up here in Lynn’s head.”
  • 0:45:19 “I will revive you just to pummel you back into the earth again.”
  • 1:23:33 “When we get back to the private bathroom, we will have words.”
  • 1:24:20 “May you hold onto this confusion for all of eternity.”

The Arbiter

  • 0:01:20 “Grandmaster, it’s Deathmatch Day. I need you.”
  • 0:03:07 “The smell is very strong. This is as close as I’m getting.”
  • 0:05:08 “What, are you planning to shoot a president or something?”
  • 0:10:00 “The dog was here first. Fucking Doug.”
  • 0:20:16 “He moonlights as a gynecologist.”
  • 0:22:49 “I would, and I certainly have. Many times.”
  • 0:59:51 “I’m unimpressed. I’ve seen a dragon before.”
  • 1:11:20 “Don’t feel bad, you killed your mom. Not everyone gets to say that.”
  • 1:21:29 “Power word kill. I’m not fucking standing for that.”
  • 1:22:21 “Honestly, I kind of wanted the tower… my lab is getting kind of cramped.”
  • 1:22:42 “I was thinking about blowing out that west wall.”
  • 1:23:27 “Whatever beef you and I have, that’s for private.”

Thea

  • 0:16:44 “I’m going to turn this into a candle!”
  • 1:30:44 “This is going to be my greatest puzzle.” (Dried Blood)

Chinchilla foreman (speaker likely Drew)

  • 0:25:07 “Get him, boys!”
  • 0:25:40 “That’s lunch, boys.”

Canon notes

  • The Arbiter bought the wizard’s tower.
  • “Sacrificed himself for Doug”: the Arbiter died stepping in front of the Shadow King’s attack on Doug.
  • Speaker questions at 0:22:49 and 0:34:00: on the creators’s manual-check list.

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