S2E18 · Battle for the Crown Round 1 · Team Grandmaster (Toddleheim & Veronica) v Team Arbiter (Ralzamon & …

Champions and players	Ahnubyss as Toddleheim; mendarii as Veronica; CastersnCastles (called “Nomes”/“Gnomes” at the table) as Ralzamon; CarefulCantrip (called “Dave” at the table) as Glub Glub
Result	Team Grandmaster (Toddleheim and Veronica). Ralzamon and Glub Glub die. One point to the Grandmaster; the Acolyte popular vote stays open.
Arena	a deserted, frozen ruined fortress (inner courtyard, bridges, towers), then a snowy forest after the Arbiter’s avalanche
Hosts	Mudcat (narration, the Arbiter, Gerald the Box of Chaos) and Caustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer, chaos events)
Watch	YouTube

What happens

Opening: the Dread Fortress in chaos

1. 0:00:10 Drew opens: “Acolytes, the battle for the crown has begun.” In the Dread Fortress, servants scurry down the stone steps in a hurry never seen before. People throw things everywhere. Looters are stealing paintings off the walls and taking the silverware, betting that the Grandmaster may be unseated. The Arbiter walks the halls looking smug, arms crossed behind his back, and peeks into the armory.
2. 0:01:02 The Grandmaster is in the armory taking inventory of the weapons, lifting each one to judge its weight and sharpness. “Ah, I see that you’ve decided to join us. Come in, Arbiter.” He enters “seeing as this room will be mine shortly… but not because you said so.”
3. 0:01:30 · The argument. The GM: “Your confidence is going to be your downfall. You know that I’ve already chosen the winners.” The Arbiter says she favored her champions and “let them cheat their way to a victory… your deathmatches have never been fair. That’s something I will change.” She answers, “What battle has ever been fair?… You’re just coming up with excuses for the weaknesses of your team.” He says: “I don’t work for you anymore. So I am going to have a little self-respect here and tell you to fuck off, okay?” The GM: “Oh shit!… I know my two champions… will crush yours, hands down.”
4. 0:02:31 · The invitations. The Arbiter sent the champions invites on thick invite paper, sprayed with a little cologne, with embossed lettering he made on the Dread Fortress’s printing press. The GM adds rice paper. All the RSVPs chose chicken, which he finds odd (“I guess they don’t know red meat”). The GM says it’s the cheaper meat. Arbiter: “I’ll balance the budget here in the Dread Fortress soon.”
5. 0:03:11 · The portal. He claps his hands and the whole wall behind him explodes into a portal: the stone rearranges and the fabric of reality rips open. He ushers the champions in (“Come, come, come…”) and introduces them: Toddleheim, the Tattletailor; Veronica, the Bee Farmer (“you remember her from the Bee Farm”); his general, Ralzamon; and Ralzamon’s assistant for the day, Glub Glub the Glorious.
6. 0:04:06 · Introductions. The GM objects that he introduced her champions poorly.
   • Toddleheim: “Listen, my [spells?] will be doing all of the talking very, very shortly… The thing that they could come and test me, test our wonderful leader. What a mistake that would be.” The GM: “Eureka of confidence.”
   • Veronica: “There’s no real need for me to, I guess, boast when I can just show you how powerful I can be.”
   • The Arbiter to Veronica: “Maybe while you’re out there, you’ll find your true love,” and he cackles. Veronica scratches her arm (“That would be weird, but okay, sure”). Drew: “You get that nice twinge that the Arbiter knows something that you don’t know.”
   • Glub Glub: “Me am is Glub Glub, and me has returned! Little small brain of puny little ones will get no chicken tonight.” The Arbiter: “Glub Glub is a renowned scientist and researcher.” The GM: “I’m sure a poet as well.” “He can craft a phrase.”
   • Ralzamon: “With the very veil of space and time, to wreak my vengeance upon this mortal world, soon Glub Glub shall practice the forbidden science of cranial trauma upon your pathetic champions… For we are not known as losers. We have unleashed the forbidden power of the lower bracket one.” Glub Glub is “terrified, but very excited at the same time.”
7. 0:06:50 · The stakes. The Arbiter: “If you fail me, you will cease to exist. No pressure.” The GM tells her own champions: “This is not our usual deathmatch… this one is for war. So death and all its actions will be permanent.” The Arbiter: “The way a deathmatch should be.”
8. 0:07:20 · The remodel. The Arbiter’s plans: hang a painting of himself, move his statue into the throne room (he’ll have to take out the ceiling, the statue being a little large), maybe replace the floors with Spanish tile. The GM stops him: “We’re not talking about remodeling now.” He smacks his hands together, the armory wall changes to a cold scene with wind whipping through, and he ushers everyone onto the battlefield.

The arena: the frozen fortress

9. 0:08:17 The GM says this arena “is a favorite of both of ours, so that way it will be on fair battlegrounds.” It is a deserted fortress frozen in ice with heavy snowfall. Steps from the inner courtyard lead up to 15-foot walls, and the towers add another 10 feet (25 total). Fingers go numb if you stand still too long, and if you run too fast you slide out of control.
10. 0:09:19 The GM flies up in a swirl like a snow tornado. High above, through white fog, the Acolytes cheer louder than ever, “but this time there is a desperation as they know everything is on the line.” She sits next to Doug, who is very proud and wears a small crown for today. Veronica: “Is that Doug the Pug?… Can he be Grandmaster? Can you put that in your voting?” The GM: “We have considered it… Doug likes to live the responsible-free life.”
11. 0:10:31 · The vote. The Arbiter: “You’ll bleed here in the snow… for the sake of the Acolytes, who will determine the ultimate victor.” After each deathmatch the Acolytes vote for their favorite team, “not just the team that won, but the team that… put on a spectacle.”
12. 0:11:31 · Placement.
    • Toddleheim starts on a bridge between keeps, and Glub Glub directly across the fortress from him.
    • Ralzamon starts atop a ruined tower, with Veronica precariously perched on the other side of the same tower (“That doesn’t feel personal.” “You talked to the dice.”).
    • The GM: “If you’ve got a cloak, you look really badass right now,” unless the wind is curling it in your face. Veronica is “not wearing a lot of clothes in this fucking frigid place.” The Arbiter: “You’ve hardened yourself on bee venom and honey… it’s the blue hair.”
    • The ruins hold old armor pieces, skeletons and bricks, and a deer runs to the north (“if you want to throw that at somebody, that’s fine too”).
13. 0:14:33 · Hero points from the start. The GM: because the champions have already put on shows, “plenty of acolytes are cheering for both teams. So you begin with hero points.”
14. 0:15:41 · The general’s bonus. Ralzamon’s initiative is 22. Drew says that is a 6 “plus a 16 that I gave him as an introductory… ceremonious plus 16.” Ralzamon: “It’s the general title. It comes with some perks.” Veronica’s token shows “Dewdrop Grizzlby”. Drew: “your final form, the beekeeper, you know, digivolves into.” Veronica: “That’s my beekeeper name.” Veronica wins initiative with 23.

Round 1

15. 0:17:01 · Veronica prepares. It’s nippy, so she casts Mage Armor: a blue aura outline that melts the snow landing on it and insulates her. She draws her rapier and starts her Bladesong. She asks what Ralzamon looks like (see Entities), then picks her way 30 ft around the icy, crumbling ledge.
16. 0:20:01 · Chaos event: the wild-shape snow. The Acolytes demand chaos, and the GM has General Ralzamon roll (32). A swirl of snow encircles each champion head to toe, turns blue and green, and forces them all to wild shape for one round.
    • Ralzamon and Glub Glub become cows, one spotted and one brown, “the cutest cows, like the long fluffy eyelashes, cute soft ears… giant swinging udders.” Glub Glub: “Team cow, yeah!”
    • Toddleheim becomes a cockatrice.
    • Veronica becomes a giant badger. The transformation twists away part of her magic: she loses her Bladesong and keeps Mage Armor.
17. 0:25:13 · The polite goring. Ralzamon is a cow teetering on a 15-foot icy ledge. “I better not move.” But “as much as the tactical thing might be to do is just to stand there comically teetering… That ain’t me.” He tiptoes across the ledge, hooves one in front of the other, “beautiful little ballerina” (the GM). “And now you will meet your fate by my horns.” He “very carefully walk[s] up and politely attempt[s] to gore the giant badger.” It’s a nat 20 and destroys the badger form outright. Ralzamon: “This literally does not work in my advantage because now the cow is fighting a bladesinger instead of a badger.” The GM: “Oh no, you’ve done too much damage is something we’ve rarely said before.”
18. 0:27:39 · The cow falls. Ralzamon (“a completely normal-sized average cow”) fails his balance check and falls the full 25 feet into the tower, mooing in slow motion, and smacks into the snow. The GM: “Don’t leave any cow pies in my fortress, thank you.” Without thumbs, he moos up into the tower’s echo chamber to intimidate. The Arbiter: “It looks adorable.” The GM: “Your big brown eyes… If there were a small dairy farmer girl… she would just walk right up to you.” Veronica sums it up: she was a badger, then not, then attacked by a cow, and then the cow fell off a building.
19. 0:30:19 · The cockatrice. “Yes, yes, it is I, the cockatrice.” Its bite turns people to stone. Veronica: “Well, I’m his teammate, so don’t attack me, please.” Toddleheim flies up onto the ledge, then nosedives off it at the cow inside the tower. He misses (the GM: “that classic cow armor”; Ralzamon: “It’s that cow hide”) and takes fall damage. He is now “eye to eye with that cow.”
    • Ralzamon: “I’m just picturing the chicken from Moana, except evil.” The GM calls him Heihei.
    • The Arbiter: “I like that you’re saying that he’s evil… They’re the bad guys… We’re doing this for the good of the empire.”
20. 0:34:00 · Glub Glub the cow. He looks down at his new form and gets very angry. “And I would like to graze.” Seeing no grass and “nothing left to do,” he cow swan-dives off the top of the fortress into the courtyard. A strong athletics roll halves the damage: a small white cloud poofs around him and the GM gives “a 10 out of 10 on that gymnastics landing.” He dashes to the doorway of Ralzamon’s tower.
21. 0:36:42 · The promotion. Ralzamon: “The grim calculus of war.” The Arbiter: “I might need a new general here.” Veronica: “Glub Glub is more than willing to be a general.” Glub Glub: “Glub Glub is for hire.” Arbiter: “You know what, Glub Glub? You’re promoted. You’re now acting general.” Glub Glub: “Me will act generally.” Arbiter: “So far, all you’ve done is fall off an edge.” “Gracefully, but yes.”
22. 0:37:41 The Arbiter’s end-of-round d20 is a 19: “That 19 signals your demise, Grandmaster… I just multi-classed into fighter champion, so that’s a crit in my book.” The GM tells him to stay on the side and let the champions play.

Round 2

23. 0:38:35 · Veronica’s descent. She doesn’t “want to waste [something cool] on stabbing a cow” (the GM: “Are you saying that your opponents are not worth it?” “Yes.”). She puts her Bladesong back up, then swan-dives off the tower. Like a professional snowboarder, she spirals down the 25-foot tower on a loose plank, gaining momentum, and skewers the Glub Glub cow (“Skewered beef.” Glub Glub: “Where’s that red meat not on table?”). The cow form breaks. As the snow resettles, before he can even react, she flips the rapier around and pommel-smacks Glub Glub in the face (“Classic French design”). Glub Glub: “Beekeeper could barely sting.” Then: “Oh, Glub Glub waited for this day.”
24. 0:43:47 · Hold Person. Back in his own form (“much more marketable, cute fluffy cow”), Ralzamon throws open the tower door and sees Toddleheim, back to “fairly short, large gray beard, got a hat, nice robes, looking very suave” (Veronica: “the suavest dwarf I ever met”). Someone, probably Ralzamon (speaker uncertain), quips: “To err is elven, but to forgive is bovine.” Ralzamon: “Enough of this.” He casts 5th-level Hold Person on both foes “so that Glub Glub can just beat the ever-loving [shit] out of them.” Glub Glub: “Me like Blue Man.” Toddleheim resists. Veronica is paralyzed.
25. 0:45:47 · Trash talk. This passage is mis-diarized; the split between speakers is inferred.
    • Toddleheim: “You cannot hold me. Little mage. You’ll learn something today.”
    • Ralzamon: “I will learn the color of your blood.”
    • Toddleheim: “…while it is on your face and your body is no longer with us.”
    • Ralzamon: “It will not be the first time I was deprived of a body, and it will not be the last.”
    • A taunt (speaker uncertain): “You’re not used to winning, then, are you? You’ve lost your body once before.”
    • Ralzamon: “That was my transformation! And then the time I got my ass kicked, but that doesn’t count.”
26. 0:47:05 · Toddleheim’s spell choice. He considers a 5th-level Sleep on “my good friend Glub Glub” (“Toddler needs nap”). Drew explains how Sleep works because Toddleheim is new. Ralzamon points out that Veronica is an elf, so Sleep can’t touch her. Toddleheim casts 5th-level Cause Fear on Glub Glub instead (he first named Ralzamon, then corrected it). Glub Glub resists. The GM: “He just doesn’t have a brain for that to work on.” Glub Glub: “Glub Glub’s feeling hurt… Glub Glub in glass case of emotion.” The Arbiter: “Grandmaster, how could you?” The GM: “It’s not just physical pain we enact here.”
27. 0:51:43 · The werewolf. The GM reminds them to use their hero points (“Do not die with it still sitting in the cartridge”). Toddleheim spends his: “I take my hat off and I throw it to the floor and then my eyes begin to glow like a bright yellow as I start to grow and stretch.” Bones crunch and snap, the hair grows longer, his face protrudes, the teeth grow sharp, his ears grow, the claws sharpen and his knees bend backwards. He is a werewolf, followed by “the cutest rawr.” Veronica: “So very refined as a werewolf.” He keeps his wizard abilities.
28. 0:53:52 · Glub Glub vs the paralyzed Veronica. He walks up and sees fear in her face, and “a smile graces my face before turn to frowny face because very mad at flying lady with wings.” He rages and attacks recklessly with his great club: a nat 20 for max damage. The GM: “Are these like rigged or something? Only your team keeps rolling nat 20s.” Arbiter: “That’s because they’re mine!” Glub Glub mocks her: “Ah, end of rapier, do little damage to me, oh ho ho, poor me,” and pummels her again. The GM: “Don’t give up, Veronica… keep that fighting spirit in your eyes.” Veronica: “I’m just dead inside.” Arbiter: “Don’t worry, you’ll be dead on the outside too soon.”
29. 0:57:17 Glub Glub looks over the bloody mess he made of her face: “She looked pretty cute for a beekeeper. Remind me of Boney.” Veronica: “Your pet? You’re a weird homunculus creation. What an insult.”
30. 0:57:43 · Gerald arrives. The end-of-round roll is 14. “As that club smacks into you, Veronica, and your bones crack and echo… a certain box perceives the sounds of your broken bones. And slams down from the sky in the middle of the arena.” The Box of Chaos looks over her, reaches a hand out to her and gives her advantage on her save. She is paralyzed and sees him, but doesn’t know who he is (“Oh, okay. Thanks, box.”). She breaks the Hold Person without needing the advantage. The Arbiter: “Just like Gerald to, you know, come in and make no difference.” She readjusts her jaw, looks up at Glub Glub: “Oh, is that all you got?” The GM: “Undeterred… Shake off the blood.”

Round 3

31. 1:01:20 · Ralzamon flees upward. He faces a werewolf and does “not want to be glumped.” He raises his hands, gathers the remnant wretched minds of those who died in this place long ago, drags them from the bones bedecking the fortress, wraps himself in their glory, and levitates 20 feet straight up, “looking very ominous as he chickens out.” Toddleheim’s opportunity bite is a nat 1: he falls on his ass. The GM: “Your werewolf form has never been in snow before. Take your time, play, make a snow angel.” Ralzamon admits he would have used Entropic Ward. Arbiter: “Not really what I look for in a general.” “Ralzamon doesn’t give a crap.”
32. 1:04:09 Ralzamon laughs derisively down the tower. The laugh feeds Toddleheim’s insecurities, and his next attack takes a penalty.
33. 1:05:10 · Toddleheim strikes back. He misty-steps behind Glub Glub (“It’s a Glub Glub sandwich.” Then, speaker uncertain, possibly Bec voicing Glub Glub: “I have friends, finally.”). He claws and bites. The GM screams encouragement: “You’ve got this, Toddleheim!” Glub Glub shrugs it off: “Oh, can you move a little to left? Little bit of scratch on back. Can you go a little higher next time?” Toddleheim: “We’ll see how much you laugh later.”
34. 1:08:21 · Glub Glub’s dog. “Oh, I show you how this works,” and he swings the great club. The first swing misses: “Snow makes furry wet and less easy to hit. Also smell bad like Glub Glub. Might want to hang out later.” The second is a weak hit: “I give love tap… I say good boy.” The GM: “A nice little boop on the puppy nose.”
35. 1:09:44 · The stick. “I reach into bag and pull out stick and throw really far… You always want dog when I was a kid.” It’s animal handling against Toddleheim’s survival. Toddleheim needs a nat 20, rolls a 19, and chases the stick about 10 feet. Glub Glub declines the opportunity attack: “Glub Glub, new dog… good pup, good pup. Now bring back, bring back. Try to whistle, cannot.” Toddleheim: “There’s no way.” Veronica: “Welcome to D&D, new friend.”
36. 1:11:36 The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is a 2. The GM: “Your team is rolling way too hot… Let me go have a pep talk with mine. Give us ten minutes.” Arbiter: “You’re gonna need more than a pep talk.” (Break cut from the mp3.) 1:12:00 Arbiter: “The Grandmaster has her scared face on.” The GM: “My team knows how to fight through grit and blood.” The Arbiter reminds everyone that the Box of Chaos has been dropped and sacrifices to it are a free action.

Round 4: Gerald and the horn

37. 1:12:55 Veronica breathes in, feels the cold rush of energy to kick the adrenaline back in, and spends her hero point to draw from the environment for a Second Wind that doesn’t use her own charge. It heals the maximum. The GM: “You’re like just pumping straight needle into the arm.”
38. 1:13:58 · The shock up the pucker. She rubs her hands together to build static and casts Shocking Grasp on Glub Glub’s ass. Arbiter: “20,000 volts straight to the asshole.” It crits, but in the flash she sees the shadow of a large bear cascade over Glub Glub: his Totem of the Bear is active and halves the damage. Glub Glub: “What was that?… Sorry, what was that you were saying?” Veronica walks to the Box of Chaos; Glub Glub can’t react (“Oh, that’s so unfortunate for you”). Ralzamon: “If it was that easy, the Arbiter would have already unrulered the Grandmaster.” Glub Glub: “Why I smell burnt hair?”
39. 1:15:54 · The reunion that isn’t. Drew plays Gerald.
    • Gerald: “Veronica! You never called!” Veronica: “I’m sorry, who are you?” “It’s me, Gerald.”
    • Gerald: “It wasn’t a long time, but we had a good time, you know? You know, I gave you the tattoo.” She shows him the tattoo. There’s no name on it. Gerald: “Oh, I see. You got it lasered off.” Veronica: “It’s always looked like this… Wait, hold on, have we met before?”
    • Gerald: “I have a forgettable face.” Veronica: “You have a perfectly fine face. Trust me, I wouldn’t forget a face like yours.”
    • She says she has never interacted with a box before. Gerald: “Well, you have to put something inside me. And then I give you something.”
    • Glub Glub: “Hey, quit playing with your box and come fight me.” Veronica: “Ignore him. Should we adjourn somewhere?”
40. 1:17:49 · The sacrifice. She offers her Ring of Evasion. Gerald thinks he gave that ring to her, but isn’t sure, because it looks like a lot of other rings, and he hangs his head. As she hands it over, she touches his hand the same way she did the first time they met, without knowing she’s doing it. He stops and shudders. The persuasion roll gives him advantage. On the d100 she rolls 67, “just too short of 69.”
41. 1:19:50 · The Horn of Valhalla. The box slams shut and shakes. The lid flips open, a column of fire shoots to the sky, and a horn floats out in Gerald’s hand. It is a silver Horn of Valhalla that summons berserkers.
    • Gerald: “This is my horn. You just have to blow on it.” Veronica: “Are you saying you’re horny for me?” Glub Glub: “I thought horns go in boxes. No? Glub Glub very confused.”
    • They hold a chaste, broken, awkward eye contact. Veronica: “You should call me sometime if things work out here.” Gerald: “I might be out of a job soon. I don’t know what’s happening here.” Veronica: “If I win, it’s fine. I’m sure the Grandmaster will keep you on.”
    • Glub Glub: “Hey, quit pulling that horn and come fight me.” Gerald: “Sorry, I’m wasting your time,” and he closes the lid. Veronica notices “the G and V engraved on the side” and thinks, “that’s weird.”
42. 1:22:15 · Chaos event: the hailstorm. The GM has Toddleheim roll for her team (28). The snowstorm turns violent and dark clouds roll in. “The sky hates you”: hail the size of golf balls pelts down, growing to basketball size. Ralzamon saves by using the power of his unholy talisman; everyone else is battered. Hail now litters the ground, slippery but usable. Veronica can’t blow the horn yet; she has used her action and bonus action. The GM: “A little shocker up the pucker.”
43. 1:26:13 · The psychic lance. Ralzamon rises another 20 feet, cackling. Seeing the horn, he aims Raulothim’s Psychic Lance at Veronica, “because I really don’t want that thing to go off. Because let’s be honest, there’s enough members of this fight with poor personal hygiene as it is.” Veronica: “Veronica smells incredible.” He “unleash[es] a shimmering lance of psychic power from my forehead.” She rolls a nat 20 and takes nothing. The GM: “Our time has come! The dice favor us!” The Arbiter: “it’s made of lead or something.” The GM: “She’s got mind control.” Arbiter: “Mind control beats brain control every time.”
44. 1:28:09 · The stick, returned. Toddleheim has found the stick (“Fuck, I forgot about that”). Glub Glub kneels and claps: “Come, come, come.” Toddleheim hits him with Acid Splash, then takes the GM’s advice (“take that stick back and hit him with it”): “Here’s your stick, I found it for you.” He bitch-slaps Glub Glub across the face with it. “It’s the principle. It’s not the damage, it’s the principle. I ain’t fetching no sticks for nobody.” Glub Glub: “No, bad dog, don’t hit, you just put in hands. You just drop at feet. It’s okay. We try something different.”
45. 1:35:31 Glub Glub scratches under Toddleheim’s jaw: “good boy”, and walks past him unopposed. Drew: “I could just see Anubis inside like, fuck no!”
46. 1:36:03 · Glub Glub’s payback. To Veronica: “[Bee?] lady. Remember when you turned my brown eye blue? Time to repay.” (A callback to the Shocking Grasp to his ass, inferred.) One reckless club swing hits; the second misses. “End scene.” The Arbiter: “What a marvelous performance.”

The Arbiter’s avalanche

48. 1:37:43 The end-of-round roll is “enough for your own chaotic event.” The Arbiter: “This is fucking boring! Grandmaster, I’m going to take your throne and I’m going to do it in style. No more of this shenanigans.” He looks at a mountain overlooking the castle and snaps his fingers. The sound reverberates, and the snow and glacier come off the mountaintop as a huge avalanche.
    • Veronica rolls a nat 20 and outruns it. “It’s like how in Lord of the Rings… Legolas… just steps on top of the snow.” Her explanation: “I do have an extra 10 feet of movement… that elven charm.”
    • Toddleheim takes half. Team Arbiter takes it in full, Glub Glub halved by his resistance.
    • Toddleheim keeps his grip on Boney through the avalanche (“my bones”).
    • The avalanche sweeps everyone out of the castle into a forest. Ralzamon’s levitation is broken and he is slammed to the ground. The battlegrounds have shifted.
49. 1:42:27 · The cold. The GM calls for Constitution saves at the start of each round, getting harder as it grows colder. Toddleheim fails. He objects that he’s a werewolf with a fur coat. The GM: “You got sensitive paws.” Veronica tells a story about her sister-in-law’s dogs in the snow; Ralzamon: “It’s not werewolf. It’s PSA.” Toddleheim appeals to the Acolytes. The GM asks them to cheer for him, “share that body heat… to grant him nice little mittens for his snow paws.” Glub Glub suggests Doug might share his little booties; Toddleheim “somehow become Peter Pan… if you just believe.” The Acolytes cheer, and Toddleheim takes half damage: “only one is brutal and yells full damage for you. A small icy prick.”
50. 1:46:00 Everyone climbs out of the snowdrifts and rerolls initiative. “No plus 16 this time.” Ralzamon: “I don’t need it.”

Round 5: the berserkers

51. 1:47:07 Ralzamon: “Time and place for the classics. That time is now. That place is here.” Glub Glub misreads “foul beast” as aimed at him (“I’m not foul beast. That mean.”). Ralzamon Eldritch Blasts the werewolf. Glub Glub: “No, poor puppy, no! He already very cold.” The GM: “This is the worst way to warm him up.” Toddleheim: “Definitely feeling it deep inside… shake it off.”
52. 1:49:07 · “Victoria.” Ralzamon points dramatically: “Victoria. You’re next.” Veronica: “Veronica. I don’t know who Victoria is.” Glub Glub: “Oh, I’m Razzle Dazzle, so…” The GM: “No one gets names right tonight.” The Arbiter to Ralzamon: “Don’t feel bad for her. She didn’t even remember her boyfriend’s name.” Veronica: “What are you talking about?… Toxic.”
53. 1:49:51 Glub Glub to Ralzamon: “What the hell? Don’t hit puppies.” He charges 40 ft toward Veronica and holds his action, waiting until she “steps up instead of being a coward and hiding.”
54. 1:51:07 · The horn. Veronica: “Oh, Glub Glub, I brought some new friends for you.” She blows the Horn of Valhalla. Glub Glub: “New friends!” Five berserkers leap from the mountain itself and land superhero-style in the snow in front of her. Glub Glub: “Oh, hello, I Glub Glub. I like long walk on beach and very happy to make new friends. Pleasure to meet you.” Veronica backs 20 ft away and uses her own Second Wind.
55. 1:54:01 · The names. “Bug Bug. Slug Slug. Grug Grug.” These three go after Glub Glub. “Shazzle and Mazzle” dash after “good old Razzle Dazzle.” She orders reckless attacks (“Oh, daddy.” “Oh, mommy!”). Two greataxes bite into Glub Glub.
56. 1:56:57 · The blood frenzy. Toddleheim passes his save and remembers who he is: “I now know who I am.” He drops Boney into the cushy snow; Boney is not destroyed. “This is about Razzle Dazzle, baby.” But below half health the werewolf’s blood frenzy takes over and he must attack the nearest creature. A coin flip between Ralzamon and a berserker picks Ralzamon (the GM: “That blue skin just attracts you. Looks like a stuffed animal you once had.”). Ralzamon: “This is what I get for making fun of him for rolling all those ones.” Ralzamon never cast armor. The claws and teeth chomp down and blood goes everywhere. Toddleheim: “Delicious.” It’s the first time an opponent has hit Ralzamon.
57. 2:01:15 The Arbiter leans over the grandstand railing and shouts at Ralzamon: “Don’t fuck this up for me!”

Round 6

58. 2:01:41 · Toddleheim falls. Ralzamon is “surrounded by barbarians and a werewolf,” with both warlock slots spent. “I’m going to save my big finish for later” (“Famous last words”; “If you have your big finish first, it’s rude”). He reaches out, grabs the werewolf by the face and Eldritch Blasts him. The second beam is a critical hit. Toddleheim drops to 0, shifts out of werewolf form and kneels in the snow, conscious but dying. Each team shares one set of death saves for the whole combat. Ralzamon: “Oh, I’m quite satisfied with the outcome.”
59. 2:05:11 Glub Glub grips a small wooden talisman on a necklace, which glows, and stomps for a thunder wave. The table rules he can’t cast while raging, and he chooses “rules as written.” He swings at Grug Grug (“John or something”) instead. The berserkers are “pretty fucking hardy.”
60. 2:08:08 · The tree. Veronica jumps up and alley-oops into a tree (Bladesong plus the athlete feat). “I am going to take a page out of our dear warlock’s book”: Hold Person on Glub Glub. He fails. Veronica: “Oh, come now, don’t, just relax, you know, no need to fight here.” Glub Glub’s narration: “Glub Glub has always wanted to be held, but I guess closest it will ever come.” Toddleheim: “Why’d you have to make this sad?”
61. 2:10:37 All three berserkers crit the paralyzed Glub Glub (the GM: “I feel dirty”). His rage keeps him up (“Good thing you didn’t drop that rage”). Shazzle and Mazzle hack Ralzamon too. The GM: “I think Team Grandmaster might have this in the bag.” The Arbiter: “Grandmaster, you can’t say that yet. He’s about to finish everywhere.” The GM glances right over that.
62. 2:13:19 Toddleheim’s death save fails. He spends his hero point to reroll and goes from a 3 to a 2. Asked if he says anything: “Just bleed it out. I’ve got nothing to say.”

Round 7

63. 2:15:14 Ralzamon: “There is only one path forward. I cannot defeat these smelly barbarians.” He uses his hero point to recover a warlock slot. “This is gonna be for all the marbles.” He places his hands to his temples: “It’s not Victoria. It’s not Victoria. It’s not Victoria.” Someone shouts: “Veronica!” He fires a 5th-level psychic lance at Veronica. She saves and takes half, so the incapacitation that was “our only ticket out of here” fails. He looks at the bleeding dwarf and the berserkers’ raised weapons: “I’ll see you in hell.” The reply “Save me a seat, friend” (speaker uncertain; diarized as Bec).
64. 2:17:48 Glub Glub stays held. The GM leans over: “Your gods have abandoned you. You will freeze here.” Glub Glub, in his mind: “Thank you so much, Captain Obvious. Much appreciated.”
65. 2:18:59 · Veronica holds on. She keeps concentration easily: “She’s holding onto this tree… I love this tree. There’s like blood coming out of her nose. She’s like, no… Not today.” She fires a 2nd-level Chromatic Orb of fire at “Razzle… Razzlemon. Razzle Dazzle,” a beacon of heat in the dark cold snow, “warming up my wolf friend a little bit.” The GM: “Your beautiful cloak… singed up… tatters at this point.”
66. 2:22:22 · Down to the wire. The berserkers crit Glub Glub again, and he hangs on at exactly 1 HP (the GM: “Respect, Glub Glub”). Then one of the pair hunting Ralzamon “sees that Veronica lit you aflame… sets aflame in his own soul, guiding that blade,” and crits. Ralzamon drops to his knees, eye to eye with Toddleheim. Toddleheim: “Sucks, don’t it?”
67. 2:25:12 Toddleheim’s next death save succeeds (“Rise, you dwarf.”). The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is a nat 20. The GM: “Not quite to that benchmark.”

Round 8: the deaths of Ralzamon and Glub Glub

68. 2:26:50 · Ralzamon’s choice. “Ralzamon is the kind of megalomaniacal jackass who would absolutely use his team’s death saving throws. Screw you! But I’m surrounded… we put all of our hopes and dreams in Glub Glub’s hands.” He gives up the shared saves.
69. 2:27:29 · Ralzamon’s death. “As the last flickering light of life goes out in his eyes and the flames engulfing his cloak begin to feast upon his very flesh,” he looks into the eyes of the foe lying beside him (Toddleheim) and whispers: “Not more than pawns in their game. And not more shall we ever be.” (Speaker split inferred.) Toddleheim: “Damn, that was pretty deep.” The GM: “I can’t do that again two Deathmatches in a row.” A ghost of Ralzamon rises from his body and drifts around until the battle ends.
70. 2:29:04 · Glub Glub’s last stand. He hears that his ally, the one he hoped to befriend, has died, and sheds a single tear through his paralysis. Toddleheim: “This is so emotional.” He breaks free of Hold Person, stands, smiles one last time at the berserkers, says “all fought well today,” and waits for the sweet release of death.
71. 2:29:54 Veronica muses on the Disney version (“yo you want to be friends”) but “this is not Disney.” She hops from her tree, walks up: “All’s fair in love and war,” and casts Ray of Frost. His rage has fallen. Glub Glub falls to his knees, then back into the snow, blood pooling and staining it.
72. 2:32:34 · Boney. As Glub Glub fades, small crunches approach. Boney, the tiny skeleton, runs onto his master and jumps on his chest, and dry sobs are heard as darkness takes Glub Glub once more.
73. 2:33:14 · The Arbiter’s verdict. The berserkers keep hacking, critting away all his death saves in front of Veronica. The Arbiter flares his wings and glares at the Grandmaster without a word. He flies down, kneels by Glub Glub’s head: “You’re a fucking disappointment.” Then he curb-stomps him. The last thing Glub Glub sees is the Arbiter’s boot. The Arbiter flies out of the arena, pointing at the Grandmaster: “This isn’t over. See you next week.”

Victory

74. 2:34:16 The Grandmaster flies down. Toddleheim wakes, hurting but alive, before he has to roll again, next to Veronica. She thanks them both: “You both have done a wonderful job.”
75. 2:34:55 She rises to the Acolytes: “I have given you two champions yet again.” Icebergs burst from the ground beneath Toddleheim and Veronica and lift them on pedestals to the Acolytes’ eye level. She also raises what remains of Glub Glub, and Ralzamon: “Though the Arbiter does not hold our same appeals, we will recognize all opponents and all who have fought in this arena.”
76. 2:35:21 · The tournament. “Today, we begin our tournament. One point for the Grandmaster, as my team has won.” The Acolytes vote by public opinion as well as wins, “as we must win over your hearts as well.” Voting stays open until the tournament concludes. “Take these memories to heart… and choose wisely. Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”

Dried Blood (after-show)

• 2:37:00 The Arbiter introduces “the after action report from part one of the battle for the crown. The Grandmaster was victorious this week, but there’s more fighting to come.”
• 2:37:14 The GM: the Arbiter came in “with full arrogance… one should always be cautious and never underestimate their opponents,” and her team’s strategy meant “you really didn’t stand a chance.”
• 2:37:34 The Arbiter: “You only won because Gerald decided to help Veronica. Had he not given her that item, she would have had nothing.” He says his fighters “disappointed me” but “died with a little bit of dignity,” and “Ralzamon was only one move away from ending the whole fight.”
• 2:38:03 The GM: “let’s not dock any champions for using the Box of Chaos. That is one variable of many that occur within the arena.” She praises Toddleheim for drawing the focus and soaking the attacks while Veronica got to the box: “it’s strategy that won the day.”
• 2:38:37 The Arbiter: “what won it was five berserkers just slicing on Glub Glub over and over.” The GM: “And also a good icy blade and some awesome werewolf teeth.” The Arbiter concedes Toddleheim put on a good show.
• 2:38:57 The Arbiter: “the champions are dead now, so what does it matter?” They can still help him in the popular vote: “Glub Glub touched the hearts of the entire crowd… Ralzamon commanded with a presence, a staggering presence, up until… he died like an idiot.”
• 2:39:35 The GM: “I think I give your champions more credit than you do. Both of them were honorable and actually deserve respect… It just wasn’t enough.” She expects to “clinch both points this week.”
• 2:40:14 The GM: “Keep faith, Acolytes, and we will be victorious.” The Arbiter: “Respect is for winners. We’ll see you on the next D20 Deathmatch.”

Who and what appears

Characters

Toddleheim (Ahnubyss). “The Tattletailor”; the Arbiter also calls him “the Great.”

• A short dwarf with a large gray beard, a hat and nice robes; “very suave.”
• “I have been a wizard for over 125 years.”
• Spent his hero point to become a werewolf, keeping his wizard abilities. In werewolf form he resists bludgeoning (and slashing, per the berserker ruling).
• Spells and actions: Cause Fear, Misty Step, Acid Splash. He considered Sleep.
• In this episode:
  • Chased Glub Glub’s stick, then slapped him with it.
  • Was charmed by holding Boney.
  • Fell into a blood frenzy and mauled Ralzamon.
  • Was dropped by Ralzamon’s Eldritch Blast, survived, and was raised on an iceberg pedestal as a victor.
• The player is new to D&D.

Veronica (mendarii). “The Bee Farmer,” from the Bee Farm.

• Blue hair, scantily dressed even in the cold. An elf, so immune to Sleep, with extra speed.
• Fights with a rapier. A bladesinger with fighter features (Second Wind), Mage Armor and the athlete feat.
• Spells: Shocking Grasp, Hold Person, Chromatic Orb, Ray of Frost.
• Her token reads “Dewdrop Grizzlby,” her “beekeeper name.”
• Gerald:
  • Doesn’t remember Gerald, though he says they had a good time and he gave her a tattoo. The tattoo has no name on it.
  • Sacrificed her Ring of Evasion to him and got a silver Horn of Valhalla, which summoned five berserkers: Bug Bug, Slug Slug, Grug Grug, Shazzle and Mazzle.
  • Unconsciously touched his hand the way she did when they first met, and told him to call her. She noticed “G and V” engraved on the box.
• Landed the killing blow on Glub Glub.

Ralzamon (CastersnCastles). The Arbiter’s general. Glub Glub calls him “Razzle Dazzle.”

• Appearance:
  • Blue skin, an absurdly high collar, finely clipped hair, a big cloak.
  • “Being made of meat is not his normal state of being… He’s used to being a much more ethereal, astral entity.” Dramatic organ music should play when you see him.
• Speaks of having been deprived of a body before (“my transformation… and then the time I got my ass kicked”).
• Spells and gear:
  • A warlock with two spell slots, plus Eldritch Blast, Hold Person, levitation (drawing on the minds of the fortress’s dead), Raulothim’s Psychic Lance, Entropic Ward and War Caster.
  • An unholy talisman that boosts his saves.
• Called Veronica “Victoria.”
• Died burning from Veronica’s orb and a berserker’s crit, whispering to Toddleheim. His ghost rose and lingered until the battle ended. He gave up his team’s death saves to Glub Glub.

Glub Glub the Glorious (CarefulCantrip). Assistant for the day, and briefly promoted to “acting general.”

• Speaks in broken third person (“me”). “Me has returned.”
• The Arbiter calls him “a renowned scientist and researcher.”
• Fighting style: a barbarian with rage, reckless attack and the Totem of the Bear (a bear shadow appears). Also an artificer. Wields a great club and wears a wooden talisman necklace.
• Boney: his pet, a small bleached-white skeleton homunculus.
• Wanted a dog as a kid. Likes long walks on the beach. Just wants friends.
• “Very mad at flying lady with wings” (the Grandmaster).
• Died at Veronica’s hand and was curb-stomped by the Arbiter. Boney wept on his chest.

Boney: Glub Glub’s small skeleton companion (“homunculus” per Veronica). He charmed Toddleheim as Glub Glub’s “bone,” survived being dropped in the snow, and sobbed on his dying master’s chest.

Gerald / the Box of Chaos (Drew).

• Perceives the sound of broken bones and slams down from the sky. Can reach out a hand and grant aid.
• Believes he and Veronica had a fling and that he gave her a tattoo.
• “I have a forgettable face”; “I might be out of a job soon.”
• Has “G and V” engraved on his side.
• Gave the Horn of Valhalla for the Ring of Evasion.

The Arbiter (Drew).

• “I don’t work for you anymore.” He is challenging the Grandmaster for the throne and calls her deathmatches unfair.
• Plans:
  • Remodel the Dread Fortress: his own portrait, his statue in the throne room, Spanish tile.
  • “Balance the budget.” He made invites on the Dread Fortress printing press.
• Promised his champions they would “cease to exist” if they failed. Gave Ralzamon a “ceremonious plus 16.”
• Triggered the avalanche with a finger snap. Curb-stomped the dying Glub Glub and left: “This isn’t over.”
• Knows something about Veronica’s “true love.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec).

• Inventoried the armory before the war.
• Declared deaths in this war permanent.
• Summoned the wild-shape snow and the hailstorm. Let the Acolytes’ cheers warm Toddleheim.
• Revived or rescued Toddleheim. Honored all four fighters on ice pedestals.
• Holds one tournament point.

Doug the Pug: sits beside the Grandmaster wearing a small crown. Veronica wants him as Grandmaster; the GM says they “have considered it,” but he “likes to live the responsible-free life.”

The berserkers: Bug Bug, Slug Slug, Grug Grug, Shazzle and Mazzle, summoned by the horn. They leapt from the mountain.

The Acolytes: cheering “with a desperation” because everything is on the line. They vote for the best show, and their cheers halved Toddleheim’s cold damage.

The looters and servants of the Dread Fortress: stealing paintings and silverware amid the chaos.

Places

• The Dread Fortress: its halls, stone steps, armory, printing press and throne room. The Arbiter plans to move his statue into the throne room.
• The frozen fortress arena: deserted and iced over, with an inner courtyard, bridges between keeps, 15-ft walls and 25-ft towers. Skeletons, armor and bricks lie about, a deer runs to the north, and a mountain with a glacier overlooks it. “A favorite of both of ours.”
• The snowy forest below the fortress, where the avalanche left the fighters.
• The Bee Farm, Veronica’s origin (mentioned only).

Items

• The Horn of Valhalla (silver), from Gerald.
• Veronica’s Ring of Evasion, sacrificed to the box.
• Veronica’s tattoo from Gerald (no name on it).
• Ralzamon’s unholy talisman.
• Glub Glub’s wooden talisman necklace, great club, bag and stick.
• The Arbiter’s cologne-scented, embossed invitations.
• Doug’s small crown.

Lore statements

• Battle for the Crown is a tournament between the Grandmaster’s and the Arbiter’s teams. Each win earns a point, and a separate Acolyte popular vote for the best show runs until the tournament ends.
• The GM: “this one is for war. So death and all its actions will be permanent.”
• Champions now start with hero points because of the Acolytes’ existing support.
• The Box of Chaos can be summoned by the sound of broken bones.
• The Arbiter’s team is described as “the lower bracket” (inferred to mean the losers’ bracket).
• Ralzamon is normally an ethereal, astral entity.

Quotes by character

Toddleheim

• 0:04:14 “Listen, my [spells] will be doing all of the talking very, very shortly. They’ll know who I am. These losers.”
• 0:30:22 “Yes, yes, it is I, the cockatrice.”
• 0:45:47 “You cannot hold me. Little mage. You’ll learn something today, I can promise you that.” (speaker split inferred)
• 0:52:18 “So I take my hat off and I throw it to the floor and then my eyes begin to glow like a bright yellow…”
• 1:07:48 “We’ll see how much you laugh later.”
• 1:29:49 “Here’s your stick, I found it for you.”
• 1:30:35 “It’s the principle. It’s not the damage, it’s the principle. I ain’t fetching no sticks for nobody.”
• 1:33:26 “However, I have been a wizard for over 125 years. I’ma say no.”
• 1:57:10 “I now know who I am.”
• 2:00:33 “Delicious.”
• 2:14:56 “Just bleed it out. I’ve got nothing to say.”
• 2:24:43 “Sucks, don’t it?”

Veronica

• 0:04:37 “There’s no real need for me to, I guess, boast when I can just show you how powerful I can be.”
• 1:00:50 “Oh, is that all you got?”
• 1:15:58 “I’m sorry, who are you?”
• 1:16:27 “It’s always looked like this… Wait, hold on, have we met before?”
• 1:16:59 “No, you have a perfectly fine face. Trust me, I wouldn’t forget a face like yours.”
• 1:20:18 “Are you saying you’re horny for me?”
• 1:21:22 “You should call me sometime if things work out here.”
• 1:21:46 “If I win, it’s fine. I’m sure the Grandmaster will keep you on.”
• 1:26:54 “Veronica smells incredible.”
• 1:49:20 “Veronica. I don’t know who Victoria is.”
• 1:51:07 “Oh, Glub Glub, I brought some new friends for you.”
• 2:09:49 “Oh, come now, don’t, just relax, you know, no need to fight here.”
• 2:30:52 “All’s fair in love and war.”

Ralzamon

• 0:06:11 “With the very veil of space and time, to wreak my vengeance upon this mortal world, soon Glub Glub shall practice the forbidden science of cranial trauma upon your pathetic champions.” (diarized 03)
• 0:06:28 “For we are not known as losers. We have unleashed the forbidden power of the lower bracket one.”
• 0:25:37 “And now you will meet your fate by my horns.”
• 0:36:42 “The grim calculus of war.”
• 0:45:47 “I will learn the color of your blood… It will not be the first time I was deprived of a body, and it will not be the last.” (speaker split inferred)
• 1:26:13 “There’s enough members of this fight with poor personal hygiene as it is. We don’t need any more.”
• 1:47:07 “Time and place for the classics. That time is now. That place is here.”
• 1:49:07 “Victoria. You’re next.”
• 2:01:41 “I’m going to save my big finish for later because I can see the writing on the wall.”
• 2:15:29 “There is only one path forward. I cannot defeat these smelly barbarians.”
• 2:17:10 “I’ll see you in hell.”
• 2:28:01 “Not more than pawns in their game. And not more shall we ever be.” (diarized 03 and 05; attribution inferred)

Glub Glub

• 0:05:33 “Me am is Glub Glub, and me has returned! Little small brain of puny little ones will get no chicken tonight.”
• 0:34:22 “And I would like to graze.”
• 0:37:19 “Me will act generally.”
• 0:43:14 “Beekeeper could barely sting.”
• 0:50:52 “Glub Glub in glass case of emotion.”
• 0:57:17 “She looked pretty cute for a beekeeper. Remind me of Boney.”
• 1:07:38 “Oh, can you move a little to left? Little bit of scratch on back.”
• 1:08:56 “Snow makes furry wet and less easy to hit. Also smell bad like Glub Glub. Might want to hang out later.”
• 1:10:55 “Glub Glub, new dog… good pup, good pup. Now bring back, bring back.”
• 1:17:34 “Hey, quit playing with your box and come fight me.”
• 1:20:19 “I thought horns go in boxes. No? Glub Glub, very confused.”
• 1:30:49 “No, bad dog, don’t hit, you just put in hands. You just drop at feet.”
• 1:52:29 “Oh, hello, I Glub Glub. I like long walk on beach and very happy to make new friends. Pleasure to meet you.”
• 2:29:35 “…all fought well today.” (narrated)

Gerald (Box of Chaos)

• 1:15:54 “Veronica! You never called!” (diarized 03; Drew)
• 1:16:02 “It’s me, Gerald.”
• 1:16:07 “We had a good time, you know? You know, I gave you the tattoo.”
• 1:16:52 “It’s understandable. I have a forgettable face.”
• 1:17:24 “Well, you have to put something inside me. And then I give you something.”
• 1:20:13 “This is my horn. You just have to blow on it.” (diarized 03; Drew)
• 1:21:36 “I might be out of a job soon. I don’t know what’s happening here.”

The Arbiter

• 0:01:21 “I think that I will come in, seeing as this room will be mine shortly.”
• 0:01:38 “Your deathmatches have never been fair. That’s something I will change.”
• 0:02:00 “I don’t work for you anymore. So I am going to have a little self-respect here and tell you to fuck off, okay?”
• 0:04:52 “Maybe while you’re out there, you’ll find your true love.”
• 0:06:50 “If you fail me, you will cease to exist. No pressure.”
• 0:07:20 “I’m gonna move my statue into the throne room. I’ll have to take out the ceiling.”
• 0:33:37 “They’re the bad guys. They’re the evil ones here. We’re doing this for the good of the empire.”
• 0:37:11 “You know what, Glub Glub? You’re promoted. You’re now acting general.”
• 0:54:59 “That’s because they’re mine!”
• 1:37:57 “This is fucking boring! Grandmaster, I’m going to take your throne and I’m going to do it in style.”
• 2:01:15 “Don’t fuck this up for me!”
• 2:33:14 “You’re a fucking disappointment… This isn’t over. See you next week.”
• 2:40:19 “Respect is for winners.” (Dried Blood)

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

• 0:01:30 “Your confidence is going to be your downfall. You know that I’ve already chosen the winners.”
• 0:01:52 “What battle has ever been fair?”
• 0:07:03 “This is not our usual deathmatch. It is true that this one is for war. So death and all its actions will be permanent.”
• 0:09:19 “This time, there is a desperation as they know everything is on the line. Leave nothing behind.”
• 0:10:24 “Doug likes to live the responsible free life.”
• 0:28:33 “Don’t leave any cow pies in my fortress, thank you.”
• 0:50:16 “He just doesn’t have a brain for that to work on.”
• 1:11:49 “Your team is rolling way too hot at this moment. Let me go have a pep talk with mine.”
• 1:27:40 “Our time has come! The dice favor us!”
• 2:18:18 “Your gods have abandoned you. You will freeze here.”
• 2:35:21 “Though the Arbiter does not hold our same appeals, we will recognize all opponents and all who have fought in this arena.”
• 2:40:14 “Keep faith, Acolytes, and we will be victorious.” (Dried Blood)