D20 Deathmatch Wiki

S5E15 — Cosmic Collision — Teddy Oso v Ragu

Properties1
tagsepisode, season-5

31 min read

Champions and playersguest (speaker 01) as Teddy Oso; guest (speaker 02) as Ragu. The YouTube description lists no guest cast.
ResultTeddy Oso (a spinning roundhouse kick cracks Ragu’s jaw off its hinges; Ragu floats frozen into orbit)
Arenaa rocky asteroid on the orange meteorite rings of a giant purple gas planet, in open space
HostsCaustic Phoenix (Thea, narration, chaos events and Box of Chaos results); Mudcat (the Lord of Fate, rulings and roll calls)
WatchYouTube

What happens

Opening — the Dread Fortress throne room

  1. 0:05:22 Cold open with shouting: “Welcome to D20 Deathmatch, everyone, where we are loud for no reason and you can all suck it. That’s it, that’s the show, good night.” Thea objects that they have more planned “besides just the Lord of Fate screaming his head off.” The Lord of Fate: “we have more planned, but it’s not going to be any good.”
  2. 0:05:58 The walls of the Dread Fortress are moist with condensation where the lava meets the cool air inside. The Lord of Fate’s Italian leather shoes clack across the cold stone. Bec says they’re fake, “cacti leather”. He insists they’re handcrafted. She replies: “Cacti leather is still handcrafted.”
  3. 0:06:30 He is searching for Thea, “because she’s never where she needs to be.” He hears noises from the throne room and finds Thea asleep in his throne. He tiptoes up and puts his face right into hers: “Are you enjoying your nap?” She flutters away, wiping drool “pouring from her mouth like a waterfall.” “I’m fine!”
  4. 0:07:32 — Fired. “I could put up with a lot of bullshit, but this is the last straw… It’s sleeping in my throne… You’re fired.” Thea: “Are you gonna burn me?” He points out that she thought it inappropriate to put her feet where his feet have been, “but not to put your butt cheeks where my butt cheeks have been.” Thea: “Oh, uh, I put a towel down first.”
  5. 0:08:26 — The clipboard. “Hand in your clipboard.” She hands it over, but points out that she has put together a match “super, like, butt cheek impression good… some seasons just cup your butt cheeks nicely.” He: “I don’t need to hear you talk about butt cheeks anymore.”
  6. 0:09:07 — Probation. He grants a probationary period: this one deathmatch to prove herself. If she fails, “not only will I fire you, I will destroy you.” Thea: “Do I get severance?” “Something will be severed, yes.” She puts her severance on the line.
  7. 0:09:29 Thea says she brought back two fighters because last time he thought, “that was fucking awesome, Thea.” He never said it, but she “read your mind, even though I can’t read minds.” He: “I would like to do anything that involves you no longer speaking to me.” She needs to say their names to pull them through the portal, so he lets her speak, “just not to me.” She turns to face the wall.
  8. 0:10:06 — The champions. Thea claps, and the wall fades away in pink glitter dust: “I bring you Ragu versus Teddy!”
  9. 0:10:29 — Teddy Oso returns. The Lord of Fate notes that the count “was up to 12,000 zombies last time.” Teddy: “we’re like in the 30,000 range at this point.” Thea will note it “for historical records” and update his website profile “on the Dread Fortress Void web.”
  10. 0:10:58 Asked how anyone kills 30,000 zombies: “Sometimes you go one at a time, because you want to… savor the moment. And sometimes you just like grenade, just thump. You take like 30 of them out at once.” The Lord of Fate: “a nice way to keep it fresh.” Thea: “Fresh, because they’re not fresh, because they’re zombies.”
  11. 0:11:35 — Ragu returns. Thea presents him Vanna White style, with jazz hands: “Ragu, Ragu, Ragu.” He is back “from the fight last time.” She admits she didn’t ask permission “before just sucking you through the portal.” Ragu: “my legs are ready. Ragu is back.” A whispering bit follows (“Ragu, aka… Yeah.” “Is yeah your nickname?”). Thea: “It’s part of the test. It’s creepy.” Ragu: “This ain’t loud enough.”

The arena — the rings of the gas giant

  1. 0:12:47 Thea claps again and the Dread Fortress fades away. They stand on rocky ground in open space, “literal space”: “the vast void now becomes greater.” Infinite stars fill the sky, and a giant purple gaseous planet roars nearby, its thunderous storms audible. The battle takes place on its orange rings, “the meteorite’s ring.” Thea: “I brought you here because I thought the two of you were out of this world.” Ragu boos.
  2. 0:13:37 — The retcon. Bec, “as a DM,” declares that the audience goes wild laughing at Thea’s joke. Drew, “as the other DM,” retcons all of that. In revenge, Thea gives both champions disadvantage on initiative “because fuck you both for not laughing at my good joke.” Teddy: “You did not instruct when laughter should begin.” Thea: “everything Thea says is gold.”
  3. 0:15:09 Ragu: “Pimp smack your ass, bitch.” He rolls a 2, so Teddy goes first. Teddy: “Praise me! Adore me!”
  4. 0:15:33 — The crowd. The Acolytes scream “Teddy, Teddy,” rip off their shirts and spill blue slushies. The concession stands have started selling Teddy Oso shotguns, and the Acolytes are firing them wildly into the air.

Round 1

  1. 0:16:08 Teddy starts “calm.” He leans onto one hip (“the Cole’s model pose,” says Thea) and tosses his axe “all gentle-like, but with a lot of force behind it” with a grunt. Ragu: “constipated.” Ragu defends with a natural 20. Teddy claims he did it on purpose: now they both have 18 fighting spirit, “an even playing field.”
  2. 0:18:38 Teddy flips his shotgun in the air like a drum major, catches it and lets one round go. Thea: “Whenever I think of immense violence, I always think of drum majors.” The shotgun goes “boom” (a “casual shotgun”). It hits Ragu in the chest. He starts floating away into space.
  3. 0:20:03 Thea offers him a rope to tether himself to a rock. He refuses: “I just found a way to get back. With my gravity power. That’s my weight.” The Lord of Fate: “I’m going to have to use that. I’m not fat. I have gravity power.”
  4. 0:20:56 Ragu: “You see these chucks in my hand?… I’m going to pull the Kakarot and I’m going to hit you really hard.” The nunchucks hit Teddy on the forehead. Teddy: “I never, never flinch. Never close my eyes… Cause I’m tough.” He takes the hit with a dead stare.
  5. 0:22:22 — The knee. Ragu notices a bandage on Teddy’s right knee and hits it: “I’m not sure if he took an arrow to the knee, but we’re going to find out if it’s super effective.” It hits.
  6. 0:23:26 — The zombie bite. Thea asks why the knee was already hurt. Teddy: “Because I got bit by a zombie.” He isn’t turning: “Every time I kill a zombie, I eat a tiny little piece of it, so eventually I just built up an immunity.” He eats it raw (“If you cook it, it’s not good”). The Lord of Fate asks whether he gets kuru. Teddy doesn’t know: “I seem to be okay.” Collectively he has eaten “like 40 or 50 people” in tiny chunks: “the thumb muscle or like a butt cheek or like a little shoulder.” Thea: “Because butt cheeks are very important.” Teddy: “What I do with my own time is my own business… Kiss and tell.” Thea takes notes by writing on her hand, since the Lord of Fate has her clipboard.
  7. 0:25:52 Ragu’s power-up: “since you feel like you’re not a zombie, I’m gonna expose your weakness… get that little tape off of your leg and I’m gonna beat the zombie back in you.” Teddy sidesteps with a casual side lunge and returns to his spot. The Lord of Fate: “you look like you belong in like the GQ’s most handsome men… especially with the pose.” Teddy: “Yeah, I got more.” Thea faints.

Chaos event 1 — the metal chair, and the Impala (0:28:08)

  1. “The Acolytes are demanding blood this week.” “Ice cream.” “We could probably do both.” Thea: “Chaos!”
  2. 0:28:27 Thea narrates: “From high above, a glint catches your eye. Is it a shiny bird, a launched trash can, a silver 1998 Chevy Impala with Michigan license plates? No, it’s a metal chair hurling at both of you.” Teddy dodges; Ragu is hit. Ragu: “Why do I get hit by big cars?… That f***ing hurts.”
  3. 0:29:33 Thea: if he wins, he can have the 1998 Chevy Impala. “I don’t want that s***.” Then he reconsiders, because “that car is metal instead of plastic,” and apologizes for his outburst. “You have no choice. I’m already in the car.” “Who gave him the keys?” “I forgot to lock it.” Ragu: “Look at this 8-track.”

Round 2 — the car fight

  1. 0:30:29 Teddy (“big muscles… don’t scare me”) runs at Ragu. He steps on Ragu’s arm and grabs “that long, luscious blonde hair” to slam his face into his knee. Ragu: “my hair’s not blonde. This is ultra silver.” Ragu defends with a natural 20: “you got bit by a zombie, you have no strength in that knee.” From inside the car: “Make my millennium.” Hiding in the Impala impedes Teddy’s attacks.
  2. 0:32:00 Teddy reaches over to rip the car door off. Ragu: “Don’t you touch my car.” It fails. Thea: “Chevy Impalas were built to last… it stays on its hinges.” “It’s a small fortress.” Thea: “Teddy’s just jealous because Teddy rides a motorcycle.” Teddy: “I have better gas mileage.”
  3. 0:33:17 — Teddy’s girlfriends. He rides around picking up “chicks”: Susie and Betty. “They go to another school. They’re too cool to hang out with you.” There are two of them, one zombie and one not, “usually about 50% of the group.” “Not all zombies are violent. Some just want to be loved.” Eventually he has to shoot them “because they start smelling.” Thea: “I promise to bathe very often, Lord of Fate.” He: “I think I should adopt a firmer hand with the hygiene here at the Dread Fortress.” Thea goes off to find deodorant.
  4. 0:34:48 Ragu: “Since you want to put your hands on my Impala, I’m going to run you over with it.” The roll is a tie (“How do you have the same power as my car?” “Because I pay attention.” “your bill’s past due on the attention bill”), and both take a fatigue.
  5. 0:35:54 Teddy: “I have really long legs.” Ragu: “I have long doors.” He backs up and charges full speed to smack Teddy with the door. Teddy defends with a natural 20: one big axe swing as the car passes leaves a giant gash down the door. “Your insurance is not gonna like it.” Ragu: “Me no like.” The Lord of Fate: “This fight has gone nowhere so far” (17–17).

Round 3 — the nipple

  1. 0:37:53 Teddy pulls Ragu out of the car by his hair. It smells nice, “like some herbal essence.” Natural 20 on the attack. Teddy taunts him: “You’re gonna roll better, Mr. Pizza Sauce.” Ragu: “Not cool.” He floats off again; Thea tells him to use his gravity force. Ragu: “He stole my car!” The Lord of Fate: it wasn’t his car to begin with. “My car is stolen. I’m gonna get you!” Thea: “Avenge the car!”
  2. 0:39:49 Teddy backflips over Ragu and fakes landing on his groin (“on his spaghetti and meatballs,” Thea), “just scare tactic.” Then he brings the axe down into the middle of Ragu’s chest. Ragu sobs: “It’s my chest! You know how long… it took me to get this type of chest!” Teddy: “that sexy chest is gonna have a big ol’ scar.” Ragu: “Right in the areola.” Teddy picks up the severed nipple and puts it in his pocket. Thea: “Is that your pepperoni snack for later?” The Lord of Fate: “He does eat people… Teddy slices off a piece of your chest salami.”
  3. 0:41:57 Ragu fixes spikes to the end of his nunchucks, revs them up and throws one into Teddy “right in your belly button.” It hits and Teddy bleeds (a bleed status).
  4. 0:43:40 He recalls the nunchucks (“you stupid son of a biscuit-eating bulldog”; Thea: “They have recall capabilities”) to smack Teddy in the face on the way back. It misses. The spike stays behind in the car, and he presses a button on the nunchucks to explode it, scattering nails everywhere (“a grenade of sorts”). That misses too. Teddy’s advice: “just try rolling higher numbers… I’m just repeating the zeitgeist.” Thea writes “zeitgeist” down to look up later.

Chaos event 2 — the chinchilla (0:45:46)

  1. Thea rolls a natural 20 for the end of round (“It’s all natural, baby!… No inflated numbers here!”). She petitions to keep her job because of it. The Lord of Fate: “it’ll go into the review.” Thea: “Got it, so yes.”
  2. 0:46:22 “Shivering, a tiny chinchilla approaches both of you. Its sad big eyes look up at you desperately begging for warmth… roll to snuggle or else your chinchilla gets frozen.” Teddy keeps his warm in his jacket pocket with a sweat rag. It is his now. Ragu fails: “You’ve lost so much blood… no body heat. Your chinchilla slowly turns into a tiny ice cube.” Wordplay follows: chilly chinchillas chillin’, “they’re also Chilean,” “Everyone knows chinchillas are from Chile.” Thea has “watched National Geographic plenty of times.”

Round 4 — the hairy nipple

  1. 0:48:19 Teddy’s “famous move”: a golf-swing uppercut to the face with the flipped gun. It misses: “Weave, motherfucker. Weave.” Teddy then treats his bleeding belly button.
  2. 0:49:36 Ragu complains: “You have been bullying me… he has cut the car… he has more health than me.” He combines his two nunchucks into one for a ranged attack “right in your face.” It hits: “this is for my areola.” Chat: “For the nipples!”
  3. 0:50:36 Thea: “is the chinchilla in the same pocket as the nipple? …it’s gonna be covered in hair.” Ragu mugs Teddy and snatches his areola back. He then stitches it back on to heal: “Why is my areola so hairy?” Thea: “your chest isn’t hairy at all. It’s just your one nipple now.” He tries to shave it with a blade, and the Lord of Fate suggests he accidentally cuts it off again.
  4. 0:52:15 — The drink. Thea answers chat: “it’s not called a furry nipple, it’s a fuzzy navel. And there’s a slippery nipple.” The Lord of Fate suggests a “hairy nipple” is a new drink. Thea asks whether they’ll offer it in the concessions. Teddy: “Hairy nipple was my uncle.” Thea asks: “Uncle Nipple or Uncle Furry?” “Uncle Nipple. He rolls better off the tongue.” Everyone chants “nipple.” Thea tricks the Lord of Fate into saying it (“I don’t want to say nipple.” “Ah, you said it! We win!”).

Round 5 — the Box of Chaos (0:53:34)

  1. The Lord of Fate tries to “shake things up” (“With the hairy nipple?” “No, I’m trying to do a thing here.” “This is not looking good for you on the review”). “Box of chaos!” Thea: “Like a shooting star landing on the ground, we see a beautiful pink and yellow chest with flames bursting out of it. A small, creepy little hand.” A shadowy figure creeps out of the lid. Each champion can sacrifice an action to trade for a magical item.
  2. 0:55:56 The box rumbles and pink and yellow fire shoots into space. “That black hand… presents to you a blue slushie. How the box got a slushie machine, we’ll never know, but the cold sweet nectar hits your lips and all your problems melt away. That’ll also be $14.97.” It clears one fatigue; Teddy drinks it.
  3. 0:56:59 Teddy pulls out a vial of zombie blood, drenches his axe with it and takes a swig (a status effect). The attack misses: Ragu “moved far away because I didn’t like the sound of that.”
  4. 0:57:57 — Ragu’s trade: the chinchilla hairs. The shadowy figure is still “admiring the picture of Teddy’s wife.” Ragu offers “these chinchilla hairs that came from my areola” and tells the whole story. The figure wants documentation and calls Thea over as “the resident chinchilla hair expert.” Thea: “You can see from the white hairs and how they split at the ends. That’s a clear, true Chilean chinchilla.” At auction, “you could probably get three chinchillas for that.”
  5. 1:00:06 Ragu receives the Shield of the Golden King: “Behind its golden gleam, your mettle increases by plus one… on a nat one defense roll, the shield is destroyed.” The Lord of Fate calls him “Ragdewy.”
  6. 1:00:34 Ragu tries to hit Teddy in the face with the shield. It is shut down; Thea: “shields are typically more defense items.” He says that was just to get close, then tries a ranged nunchuck hit, which also misses. Thea coaches him: “You need to say your name. You need to empower yourself. Ragu. Ragu. Ragu.” Ragu: “I’m going to hurt you now.” Teddy: “At some point, you’ll get around to it, I’m sure.”
  7. 1:02:00 Thea: “It’s a little cold in space. Can we take like a 10-minute break?” The Lord of Fate goes to “see about getting one of those hairy nipples.” (The break is cut from the mp3.)

Round 6 — heroic surges

  1. 1:02:18 “14-14. We are all tied up here in space on this rocky asteroid floating in the rings of a gaseous giant.”
  2. 1:02:57 Teddy’s heroic surge: “I’m gonna open up a little book. I’m gonna learn all kinds of things… I learned how to do an extra action.” He gains a permanent third action per turn.
  3. 1:03:30 He kicks “Mr. Marinara” in the chest to knock him down (“Because I have ideas”), and it hits. He follows with a jump into the air and a cannonball to the face. Thea is impressed he carries a cannonball around; he means the knees-grabbed jump. It hits: “I’m the best.” Thea: “You went for the chest first, then the nipple, and then the face.” Teddy: “It’s all the zombie fighting. I learned how to be specific.”
  4. 1:05:32 Ragu answers with his own heroic surge, increasing his power-ups (“by three… by five… I don’t even know my own math anymore. I just got cannonballed”).
  5. 1:06:10 With his “melodic voice,” he makes “the most annoying sound in the world” as a status attack. Teddy defends with a natural 20 and laughs awfully over it. Ragu: “it seems like chewing on fruit snacks in his ear doesn’t help out.”
  6. 1:07:24 His surged attack (“three times the damage”) ties, and both reach two fatigues. “Every time I get a high roll, this mofo matches it.” Teddy: “you could sit and cry.” Ragu: “you forgot about my shield.” He tries to smash Teddy’s big toe to make him fall. It misses (“0 for 3”). Teddy: “I’m not even trying.”
  7. 1:09:42 Thea’s pep talk: “There’s no one who has prettier locks than you, no one that has a prettier stash than you, and you at least have one good areola left in you… If you go down now, you’re going to lose both your nipples.” “That was my life.” “And therefore also your nipples. Priorities.”

Chaos event 3 — the children (1:10:44)

  1. “Suddenly from the stands, you both hear a group of children scream out, ‘you dress like me ma, you don’t have enough nipples.’ A small horde of children hurl insults… painfully accurate and hurtful observations categorize them quite clearly as big butt heads.” Thea: “Your shotgun is compensating for something.” Both champions resist the psychic damage. Ragu: “That’s why your Meemaw nipples are hairy.” Teddy: “I took all the kids off.” “Fuck you kids.” Thea: “We’re very mature here.”
  2. 1:12:15 “Round seven… Holy shit… We are out of cards.” Thea: “if you don’t murder each other soon, then Thea gets to murder both of you.”

Round 7 — the shield shatters

  1. 1:12:41 Teddy runs in with his axe spinning like a drummer’s stick and goes for the other nipple: a powered-up “nipple slicer.” Ragu rolls a natural 1 on defense. The hit lands, the Shield of the Golden King shatters “into a tiny million pieces”, and Thea will clean it up. Teddy: “I don’t even have to roll good.”
  2. 1:14:20 Teddy very slowly reloads his shotgun, making a spectacle of it. He takes a little piece off the nipple and tosses it aside, then delivers a powered-up shotgun blast to the face. “I am invincible.” Fighting spirit stands at 4 to 15.
  3. 1:15:19 Ragu: “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s next.” Thea: “Does Ragu have an afterlife that he’s planning on?” Teddy: “Rosebud.”
  4. 1:15:49 Teddy puts the shotgun away and goes for a punt to the crotch, a status effect he names “Soprano” (“it just keeps climbing up… into your belly”). Ragu defends with a 20: “I’m not dead yet.” Thea: “Rosebud will not be your final word!”
  5. 1:16:54 Ragu applies regeneration/siphon to steal back whatever he hits for (“We make up the rules. It’s fine”). He attacks three times and misses all three. “I’m just gonna keep attacking until I get something.” Asked what it looks like: “My fate is near. The only thing that’s colorful is my boots. So let’s go out with a style.” Thea: “Your boots do look styling.”

Round 8 — the Impala strikes back

  1. 1:19:10 “We don’t have a card for this.” Teddy starts feeling bad, “like I’m just taking advantage of the poor dude.” He mouths “I’m so sorry” and brings his gun butt down on the back of Ragu’s bowed head. Natural 1, and Teddy hurts himself instead.
  2. 1:20:05 He goes for the golf swing again, “No sympathy.” It’s a tie at 4–4. “Are you both just suddenly getting real shy?” Both now have four fatigues: “a tie kills you both,” and a nat 20 will kill Ragu.
  3. 1:21:11 Teddy runs to the Impala, gets in and runs Ragu over with it. “Dirty 20!” It hits: “Teddy running him over with the car… As you get hit by your own car…”
  4. 1:21:49 Ragu, “in my last stand,” lands two hits and misses one. Teddy: “I didn’t hit you at this point. Just standing there with my eyes closed.”

Round 9 — the roundhouse

  1. 1:22:40 “This is the furthest we’ve gone this season.” Thea: “No one has had this level of endurance.” Ragu is at 3 fighting spirit.
  2. 1:23:00 Teddy jumps, fakes a kick, then lands a real roundhouse to the face, applying a bloody face status. He lands and immediately spins into another. Ragu: “It’s the GG’s.”
  3. 1:24:02 — The kill (Bec). “In that moment slow motion does indeed happen as it begins to spin, your leg coming in for that second kick. It hits in the jaw, dislodging that gorgeous manscaped face. Ragu completely cracking it off its hinges. The crowd also in slow motion… Blue slushies spilling everywhere.” Asked what goes through his mind, Ragu: “It’s officially still a bitch though. You suck.” “A voice echoes from beyond the grave.”
  4. 1:25:12 Ragu floats into orbit, his body freezing “just like the chinchilla that he failed to save earlier.” Ragu: “Yeah, I died to a fucking roadhouse kick. Tell my wife, Prego, I tried.” His tongue sticks out and freezes as he drifts into space.
  5. 1:25:49 — Victory. “Teddy Oso, you are victorious, taking another life today! 30,001!” Thea: “Don’t I earn my job, Lord of Fate?” He: “We’re this far into the season. I really can’t afford to replace you right now. So it’s more of a logistics thing, but sure… Here’s your clipboard.”
  6. 1:26:43 Thea grabs Teddy by the stomach and swings him around in a victory swirl. Teddy wins the Chevy Impala: “A brand new car!”
  7. 1:27:12 — Sign-off. The Lord of Fate stands flaring his white wings: “Tonight has been filled with a lot of blood, a lot of chaos, and one Chevy Impala.” Teddy: “Mostly Ragu’s blood.” He announces that the season of Deathmatches will close next week with “the very first D20 Deathmatch Royal Rumble. Four champions will enter the arena, but only one will leave.” “Welcome and goodnight to D20 Deathmatch!”

Dried Blood (after-show)

Opens with “He’s naked! He’s naked!” (unclear what this refers to) and “welcome back to another episode of Dried Blood!”

In-character (Dried Blood, canon in the Season of Fate framing):

  • 1:31:26 Ragu: “I knew I was going to die. The second, my second areola got yupped off.” He jokes about infection, “two green areolas,” and the right one “still had the chinchilla hair on it.” Thea: “Part chinchilla now… only like 0.3%.” The Lord of Fate muses about nipple transplants, “replace his nipples with chinchilla nipples. Really tiny ones.”
  • 1:33:34 Teddy: “I read this thing called The Secret… you have to believe it, and then it will happen… Last time it was sad, to an old lady. This time, you have to step it up.” Ragu: “That was from a Naruto book. He said, believe it.”
  • 1:34:20 Teddy’s plans for the Impala: paint it “all funky colors,” put big TVs in it, and get Xzibit to “pimp your ride.” He’ll add fuzzy dice and “dry out those nipples and hang them on there too.”
  • 1:34:52 Thea warns that the Michigan plates won’t work unless he registers it, and he must pay taxes and licensing. The Lord of Fate: “Why do you think we were giving it away?” Thea: “It was cheaper than paying to impound it.… This is why we don’t deal with the consequences… you pass them along to someone else.”
  • 1:36:08 Teddy’s lesson for the Acolytes: “don’t go to school. Just pick up a trade. I took up zombie fighting and look at me now.” He has a car and no college debt. Thea: “one girlfriend and one zombie girlfriend… which is good because your wife is with Ragu.” The Lord of Fate: “[He did/didn’t] have her picture. She is a zombie.” Teddy: “I’m going to talk about this later.” Thea: “That’s the after-after fight.” The Lord of Fate: “Resurrect him just to kill him again.”
  • 1:36:56 Ragu’s lesson: “Protect your areolas, man… I need shields… I even had a shield and I lost it… I need to go and resurrect them.” Thea: “a private story for Ragu, his own mini-adventure to find his own areolas.” Ragu: “Sounds like a one-shot to me. Diary of an areola-is-less.”

Out-of-character (creator notes):

  • 1:29:06 Drew: this was the last regular-season match of the season, before the first Royal Rumble next week.
  • Bec on the dice: many nat 20s and a few nat 1s; strong first half, low rolls in the second.
  • Teddy took it slow in the first half so he wouldn’t “finish this whole thing before the break.” Bec: the pose belongs “in a Target advertisement.”
  • Drew: “You didn’t die to a pun this time” (refers to Teddy’s previous outing).
  • 1:37:38 Drew: “We’ll see you all on the final episode of D20 Deathmatch.”

Who and what appears

Characters

Teddy Oso (guest, speaker 01). Apocalypse survivor and zombie fighter with a shotgun and an axe (blurb).

  • His zombie count rose from 12,000 (“last time”) to “the 30,000 range,” and Thea counts this kill as 30,001.
  • Bitten on the right knee by a zombie (bandaged). He eats a tiny raw piece of every zombie he kills to build immunity: about 40–50 people’s worth, from the thumb muscle, butt cheeks or shoulder.
  • Rides a motorcycle. Girlfriends Susie and Betty, one of them a zombie. Says not all zombies are violent; some just want to be loved.
  • His wife is a zombie (“she is now”).
  • Never closes his eyes when hit. Signature moves: the casual hip pose, the drum-major shotgun flip, the golf-swing uppercut.
  • Uncle “Nipple” (“Hairy nipple was my uncle”).
  • He used his heroic surge to learn an extra action from “a little book.”
  • Keeps the chinchilla in his jacket pocket. Won the 1998 Chevy Impala. Concessions sell Teddy Oso shotguns.
  • In Dried Blood he says he lost last time “to an old lady” and reads The Secret.

Ragu (guest, speaker 02; blurb spelling Ragu, transcript “Ragu”).

  • Ultra silver luscious hair (not blonde) that smells of herbal essence. A “prettier stash,” a manscaped face and colorful boots.
  • “Gravity power” pulls him back when he floats away.
  • Nunchucks with spikes, recall, an exploding spike that scatters nails, and the two chucks combine into one for range. “Melodic voice” annoying-sound attack.
  • Lost one areola/nipple to Teddy’s axe, stole it back, stitched it on hairy with chinchilla hair and shaved it. Lost the second to the nipple slicer.
  • Briefly held the Shield of the Golden King.
  • Died to a roundhouse kick and froze in orbit. His wife is Prego (“Tell my wife, Prego, I tried”).
  • Called “Mr. Pizza Sauce” and “Mr. Marinara” by Teddy.

The Lord of Fate (Drew; Vythorn in the Season of Fate).

  • Wears “Italian leather” shoes (Thea says cacti leather).
  • Fired Thea for sleeping in his throne, then put her on probation. Kept her on “for logistics” after the match and returned her clipboard.
  • Wants firmer hygiene in the Dread Fortress. Has white wings. Announced the first Royal Rumble.

Thea (Bec). The Lord of Fate’s assistant.

  • Slept and drooled in his throne (“I put a towel down first”). Says she can’t read minds.
  • Booked both fighters as returning favorites. Keeps a clipboard, but wrote notes on her hand while he had it.
  • The resident chinchilla hair expert. Fainted at Teddy’s pose. Kept her job.

The shadowy figure of the Box of Chaos. A small creepy black hand inside a flaming chest. Took the wallet and admired the photo of Teddy’s wife. Has a slushie machine, apparently.

The chinchillas. Shivering chaos-event chinchillas (“Chilean”). Teddy’s is warm in his pocket; Ragu’s froze into an ice cube.

Susie and Betty: Teddy’s girlfriends, one a zombie. Uncle Nipple: Teddy’s uncle. Prego: Ragu’s wife. The heckling children in the stands.

Places

  • The Dread Fortress: lava condensation on its walls. The Lord of Fate’s throne room; the throne is now his.
  • The ring arena: a rocky asteroid on the orange meteorite rings of a roaring, storm-covered purple gas giant amid infinite stars.
  • The Dread Fortress Void web: a website holding champion profiles.

Items

  • The 1998 silver Chevy Impala with Michigan license plates, with an 8-track. It has a gash down one door and a stuck spike, and nails scattered from the exploded spike. Won by Teddy, but unregistered, with taxes due.
  • The Shield of the Golden King (Box of Chaos): golden, +1 mettle, shattered on a nat 1.
  • The blue slushie ($14.97, clears fatigue).
  • Ragu’s wallet (fruit snack, gift card, Tropical Smoothie, the photo).
  • Teddy’s vial of zombie blood. Thea’s clipboard and rope. Concession Teddy Oso shotguns and blue slushies. The metal chair.

Lore statements (Season of Fate)

  • The Acolytes trigger chaotic events by “demanding blood.”
  • The Box of Chaos trades magical items for offerings, and the shadowy figure inside judges their value.
  • Each event “hits harder”: Drew rules 1, then 2, then 3 damage on a failed save.
  • A tie at four fatigues kills both champions (rule as stated).
  • This was the longest fight of the season (nine rounds).

Quotes by character

Teddy Oso

  • 0:10:40 “Oh, we’re like in the 30,000 range at this point.”
  • 0:11:06 “Sometimes you go one at a time, because you want to enjoy, you want to savor the moment. And sometimes you just like grenade, just thump.”
  • 0:15:28 “Praise me! Adore me!”
  • 0:21:50 “I do this a lot, but I never, never flinch. Never close my eyes.”
  • 0:23:43 “Every time I kill a zombie, I eat a tiny little piece of it, so eventually I just built up an immunity.”
  • 0:24:48 “I pick a fleshy part, you know, like the thumb muscle or like a butt cheek or like a little shoulder.”
  • 0:34:06 “Because fun fact, not all zombies are violent. Some just want to be loved.”
  • 0:36:57 “Your insurance is not gonna like it.”
  • 0:38:20 “You’re gonna roll better, Mr. Pizza Sauce.”
  • 0:45:04 “No, it’s no secret. It’s common knowledge. I’m just repeating the zeitgeist.”
  • 0:52:52 “Hairy nipple was my uncle.”
  • 1:05:11 “It’s all the zombie fighting. I learned how to be specific.”
  • 1:14:57 “I am invincible.”
  • 1:36:08 (Dried Blood) “A big lesson for life is don’t go to school. Just pick up a trade. I took up zombie fighting and look at me now.”

Ragu

  • 0:12:07 “Because my legs are ready. Ragu is back.”
  • 0:15:09 “Pimp smack your ass, bitch.”
  • 0:20:25 “With my gravity power. That’s my weight.”
  • 0:20:56 “You see these chucks in my hand? You’re not ready for this. I’m going to pull the Kakarot and I’m going to hit you really hard.”
  • 0:29:52 “That car is metal instead of plastic. I reconsider what I just said. I apologize for my outburst.”
  • 0:30:51 “First of all, Teddy, my hair’s not blonde. This is ultra silver.”
  • 0:31:42 “Sitting in my Impala, you think you’re gonna knee me through a car? Yeah. Go ahead. Make my millennium.”
  • 0:36:01 “I have long doors.”
  • 0:40:54 “You don’t understand, it’s my chest! You know how long… it took me to get this type of chest!”
  • 0:51:34 “Why is my areola so hairy?”
  • 1:18:34 “Looks like my… Fate is near. The only thing that’s colorful is my boots. So let’s go out with a style.”
  • 1:24:57 “It’s officially still a bitch though. You suck.”
  • 1:25:29 “Yeah, I died to a fucking roadhouse kick. Tell my wife, Prego, I tried.”
  • 1:36:56 (Dried Blood) “Protect your areolas, man.”

Thea

  • 0:07:26 “I’m fine!”
  • 0:07:46 “Are you gonna burn me?”
  • 0:08:19 “Oh, uh, I put a towel down first.”
  • 0:09:25 “Do I get severance?”
  • 0:13:23 “Yeah, I brought you here because I thought the two of you were out of this world.”
  • 0:14:29 “You should know that everything Thea says is gold.”
  • 0:34:28 “I promise to bathe very often, Lord of Fate. Please don’t.”
  • 0:45:52 “It’s all natural, baby! Boom! No inflated numbers here!”
  • 0:59:29 “You can see from the white hairs and how they split at the ends. That’s a clear, true Chilean chinchilla.”
  • 1:01:37 “You need to say your name. You need to empower yourself. Ragu. Ragu. Ragu.”
  • 1:09:42 “There’s no one who has prettier locks than you, no one that has a prettier stash than you, and you at least have one good areola left in you.”
  • 1:12:27 “If you don’t murder each other soon, then Thea gets to murder both of you.”
  • 1:26:24 “Don’t I earn my job, Lord of Fate?”

The Lord of Fate

  • 0:07:05 “Are you enjoying your nap?”
  • 0:07:32 “I could put up with a lot of bullshit, but this is the last straw… It’s sleeping in my throne… You’re fired.”
  • 0:09:07 “I’m going to give you this one deathmatch to prove yourself to me… if you don’t, not only will I fire you, I will destroy you.”
  • 0:09:27 “Something will be severed, yes.”
  • 0:10:01 “You can speak, just not to me.”
  • 0:20:36 “I’m not fat. I have gravity power.”
  • 0:34:33 “I think I should adopt a firmer hand with the hygiene here at the Dread Fortress.”
  • 0:46:18 “It’s more of a holistic, don’t worry, it’ll go into the review.”
  • 0:53:24 “I don’t want to say nipple.”
  • 0:59:19 “Thea, you’re the resident chinchilla hair expert here.”
  • 1:26:34 “We’re this far into the season. I really can’t afford to replace you right now… Here’s your clipboard.”
  • 1:27:30 “The very first D20 Deathmatch Royal Rumble. Four champions will enter the arena, but only one will leave.”

The Box of Chaos figure (Drew)

  • 0:55:04 “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can do something with this.”
  • 0:59:45 “I’ll be right back.”

Narration (Bec)

  • 0:28:27 “Is it a shiny bird, a launched trash can, a silver 1998 Chevy Impala with Michigan license plates? No, it’s a metal chair.”
  • 0:56:22 “How the box got a slushie machine, we’ll never know… That’ll also be $14.97.”
  • 1:24:02 “It hits in the jaw dislodging that gorgeous manscaped face. Ragu completely cracking it off its hinges.”

Canon notes

  • Ragu is played by cBC. Teddy Oso is played by Chunk.

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