S6E1 — Murder at the Dread Fortress (TTRPG Murder Mystery)

Champions and players	three guests, names not in the description. Speaker 03 as Cornelius Antonio “C.A.” Bunga, speaker 05 as Richard S. Skelman, speaker 00 as Iris
Result	no fight winner. The murder is solved by the Arbiter’s “time eyes”: Iris killed Thea. Iris then kills her resurrected husband Tony with a rocket launcher. Skelman is reduced to a skull and a big toe.
Arena	the Dread Fortress (red/“bloody” carpet, reception hall with stage, banquet hall); no arena map
Hosts	Caustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer, narration, most NPCs, Thea) and Mudcat (the Arbiter, narration, rulings)
Watch	YouTube

What happens

Season opening narration

1. 0:05:16 The file’s text opens with “Welcome to D20 Top 5!” (likely misheard). After some table talk (“Light-headed, whoa”), Bec says: “We’re into season six, baby.”
2. 0:05:35 — The state of the Void. The Void is “freshly returned to order, in the weeks following the Arbiter’s return from death and the liberation of the Grandmaster.” The Shadow King “is, like, gone, but his soul was torn asunder and the danger he poses still remains as pieces [of] him have scattered about the Void.” The Acolytes rejoice “as Elusia Skypiercer once again sits atop the throne of the Dread Fortress.”
3. 0:06:19 In honor of her return and “the coming trials ahead,” the greatest feast is held before the evening’s scheduled Deathmatch. Inside the Dread Fortress (“deep within that sulking mouth into our lava terrain”), busy goblins hang tinsel and light the last candles of the chandelier. Guests begin to arrive on the “bloody carpet.”
4. 0:07:03 — Fortress climate. It’s “sweaty hot” with volcanic eruptions around, but the stone floor is cold, which is nice if you’re barefoot. The Arbiter: “It’s the humidity that’s going to get you.”

Arrivals on the bloody carpet

5. 0:07:30 — C.A. Bunga. “Well, good heavens, that’s gonna be hell on my butter, Tookus.” Cornelius Antonio Bunga, “C.A. Bunga, Cowabunga for short,” drags his little feet in. Bec: “I’m already done. I’m out of here.” He is:
   • a hip-high slice of buttered, toasted sourdough, covered in golden butter on both sides;
   • wearing a leaf cut into a little top hat, glued to his crust with syrup;
   • syrup eyes that blink, and a glorious syrup mustache;
   • walking with an appetizer breadstick as a cane. The Arbiter: “Oh, he’s a fancy gentleman.”
6. 0:08:59 The Grandmaster: “He sounds delicious… Let me get a bite of him.” Bunga: “I think not, madam.” He says he is married (“Grandmaster, you can’t say that. I am married”). She welcomes him into the open reception floor, with a colored, almost diamond mosaic that catches the light.
7. 0:09:53 — Skelman. Slipping on buttered crumbs, he introduces himself: “I am Richard S. Skelmin. I am the Dungeon Designer and Keeper of the Year.” He comes from “a long line of Skelmins. The very boniest of them,” and looks like a skeleton. “I do know how to rattle some bones.”
8. 0:10:46 — The rejected application. Skelman was surprised to be invited. He had applied to design “the next deadliest dungeon” for them and was “thoroughly rebuffed”; the imp sent with the denial was “most thorough in the insults.” He has come “with a positive attitude and a fresh bone whitening.” The Arbiter asks whether there was an application. The Grandmaster answers (speaker 02): “his bone budget was way overblown.” Skelman: “What can I say? I like big bones and I cannot lie.” The Grandmaster calls his bones legendary and says they’re one reason he was invited. He has brought “a bag of bones for all of you.”
9. 0:11:50 — Other guests include a beautiful Loxodon in a red velvety cloak, and a small man in khaki shorts and a blue polo who shies away from the cameras.
10. 0:12:18 — Iris. A woman scurries in who looks dead:
    • a white gown, ripped and torn at the bottom and stained with mud;
    • long reddish hair, stitching on her face and neck;
    • the stitching on her arm rips and the arm starts falling off; she grabs it and re-stitches it as she walks;
    • a weathered bouquet, which she slips into her dress. “I hope I’m not late.”
11. 0:13:46 The Grandmaster asks what corpse she ripped the dress from. Iris: “Well, it was mine.” Skelman: “They let you keep the clothes after resurrection? Impressive. I didn’t get any of mine.… You just gotta keep on boning on.” She cracks a bone in her arm. Skelman: “That’s a fine bone crack there.”

The Arbiter’s speech and the birth of Thea

12. 0:14:24 A dark stage at the back of the reception hall lights up with a spotlight on the Arbiter.
13. 0:14:52 — A new era. The Arbiter announces: “The Shadow King has been defeated… things had to change.” “Gone are the days of simple deathmatches where champions come to die for no reason over and over again. We need to start building up our champions rather than tearing them down… then obviously watch them kill each other, but in a different way than before.”
14. 0:15:47 “In the spirit of building up and creating,” he will create a brand-new assistant, throwing his hands about like a stage magician amid fire and smoke, by raising up “the lowliest of you.”
15. 0:16:14 — Stuart the Gray. The small man in the blue polo begs, “pick me, pick me.” “Stuart, Stuart the Gray,” he says, pulling a notepad from his khakis: “I’ve been a big fan of yours for ages.” Why the Gray? “Because all the great wizards are gray. Like Gandalf and the other gray wizards.” Skelman: “That’s only one wizard!” Stuart snaps back, “And it’s the only one that matters!”, so hard that his over-gelled hair breaks a little.
16. 0:16:58 The Arbiter: “Listen, I’m trying to turn over a new leaf here. I don’t want to be a dick to you, but it’s never going to fucking happen.” Skelman: “That’s rough, bubby!”
17. 0:18:01 Thea: “Yes! I’m here and I have a voice now.… I get to see it now with bigger eyes.” She can fly, zooms around, and dips a finger into C.A. Bunga’s syrup (“They’re so sweet though”). The sugar rush sends her spinning in a small tornado.
18. 0:18:37 — Rule one: no hot dogs. “First rule of being my assistant… You do not get to eat hot dogs. It’s non-negotiable.” Thea protests that everyone in the Dread Fortress eats hot dogs. As a worm her mouth was too small, so she asks: “If I eat it in reverse, does that count?” The Arbiter: “Are you saying you’re going to sit on the hot dog?” Skelman: “It’s been a while since I’ve been alive.” C.A. Bunga: “I’m a piece of fucking toast. I don’t know anything about eating.”
19. 0:19:36 The Arbiter concedes: “You can eat them backwards… If it fits, it sits, I guess.” Thea: “I’ll still chew my food. Don’t worry.” Skelman asks whether she has bones down there for chewing (“It’s the muscles.” Bunga: “Those are called kegels, I believe.” Skelman: “What’s a muscle?”). The Arbiter: “I created something out of nothing. Fantastic. I’m a magician.” He sends Thea to serve cocktails: “it’s cocktail hour.”

Cocktail hour

21. 0:20:29 — Iris’s wine. Thea can only track one order at a time with her small brain. Iris asks for wine. Thea: “Would you like it by the barrel or in a goblin?” (“Just a goblet is fine.”) “I will find you the grandest of goblets.” The Arbiter: “A normal goblet is… Never mind… I don’t know why I did this again.”
22. 0:22:03 — Undead etiquette. Skelman enjoys wine, but “it does go right through me.” Iris has “only recently been dead.” Skelman: “Welcome to the undead family.” You don’t need to eat or drink, but it’s fun: “If you’ve ever gotten stabbed… the wine will come out of those holes. Very good party trick.”
23. 0:22:59 — Lady Elizabeth. “Party tricks are for the poor.” The Loxodon breaks up the group. She wears a large red velvet cloak, big jeweled necklace and earrings, and multiple piercings. Her drink is taped to her “feet hand” (one of her top two feet), since she has no fingers. “I am Lady Elizabeth Barry Ann Poopshoe.” Thea asks her to spell it for her notes; she gets past “L-A-D-Y” and struggles, being used to others writing for her. “Do you think I hold hands? No, too wealthy for that.”
24. 0:24:38 She bats her eyelashes at Bunga: “Hello there, delicious.” Bunga: “I am quite married to another lady, actually… Lady Tortiliana.” Lady Elizabeth: “My rival.… Trash.”
25. 0:25:10 — The butter trap. Bunga pretends to bow but squeezes his “butt cheeks” and drops a pool of butter oil in front of her elephant pads, then moves so she has to step into it (“There’s butt in butter”). Drew calls it as an attack. Bec rolls for the Lady, and she steps over the spread. Bunga: “this spread… is reserved for my wife.” Lady Elizabeth: “I don’t need to be around this trash.” She swishes off.
26. 0:26:49 — The giant goblet. Thea returns dragging a goblet bigger than her own torso. She mixed red and white “so you’ll figure out which one you like,” and begs Iris to drink it all so she doesn’t have to carry it back. Iris: “you did wonderfully.” “Gold star for Thea!”
27. 0:27:40 — Skelman’s drink. Thea hopes that enough gold stars will get her a hot dog. Her notepad is covered in gold stars. Skelman declines (“it goes right through me”) but agrees to hold a drink. Thea: “Do you want it to have like flames in it? Or acid? Or bees? Or poop?” Skelman: “Gelatinous cubes… You get to stick around the ribs.”
28. 0:28:39 — Tim. Thea: “I have a gelatinous cube friend named Tim downstairs. I’ll just take out a piece of him.” Skelman: “I hired him for a dungeon last month. Tim does great work these days… He caught three adventurers in one go.” Thea: “And reasonable prices.” She zooms off. Skelman: “I like her much better than the imp they sent me previously.”
29. 0:29:20 — Jercasso. A small trench coat bumps into Iris and apologizes over and over, giggling. It is a little taller than Bunga, with a tiny masked head and small pawed feet, and it flows without any fixed structure. “My name is Jercasso. Do you have food?” The mask leans close to Bunga: “Something smells delicious and it is you.” A sleeve with no hand reaches for him: “Just a little piece to take home.”
30. 0:30:44 Bunga paps them with his breadstick cane. Then he rolls up, slides between their legs, pops back up, unrolls and kicks them in their little tushy. Jercasso scurries off upset.
31. 0:31:31 — Tim’s goo. Thea returns with a jiggly green piece of gelatinous cube on a platter. Skelman dumps it onto his ribs to fill the gaps: “I’m so full!” On Tim’s goo:
    • It’s acidic and destroys bodies but leaves bones alone. “It does give a little bit of a tickle. I don’t feel things very often anymore.”
    • An ounce costs about a silver piece.
    • “Tim needs no rest. No rest for Tim the Wicked.”
    • Bunga runs a dairy establishment back home and wonders about goo with milk. Skelman: “I have seen Tim devour cows whole. The milk did not remain.”
32. 0:33:19 — The Arbiter’s goo guy. The Arbiter tells Thea: “Remind me to have a conversation with Tim. I am in need of a new personal goo guy.” Thea: “I’ve heard you’ve had trouble with your goo.” Arbiter: “Goo is just harder to find than it used to be… the stuff that’s really thick and viscous.” Skelman: “There’s a lot of imitators out there, but Tim’s got the real stuff.”
33. 0:34:08 — Bunga’s drink. “A goblet of melted butter.” Salted or unsalted? “I’m on a diet, so let’s say unsalted.” Thea chants “unsalted butter” all the way to the kitchen.
34. 0:34:44 — Business. Skelman wants to hire Bunga. Bunga: “You have a green goo guy, and I am your white goo guy.” Skelman’s idea is a butter trap in place of an oil trap: adventurers couldn’t just set it ablaze, since the butter “would brown nicely and make for a really good start of some kind of meal.” Bunga produces a notebook (Bec imagines an omelet) and takes notes.
35. 0:35:43 — The ex. Drew hoped the notebook was a Pop-Tart. Bunga: “Pop-Tart was his ex. We don’t bring her up.” Bec: “That icing was too sweet.” Bunga: “that jelly was toxic.”
36. 0:36:06 — Iris’s holes. Iris finally drinks. One of her eyeballs falls into the goblet. She wipes it on her dress, but it comes out stained red, and she puts it back. Skelman: “you look quite devious now with the one red eyeball.” Iris: “Maybe I should make them match.” She drops the other eye in the wine too. Skelman helps tip the huge goblet and wine spills out of holes in her stomach: “Oh, look at that! Oh, wow, this is new.” Skelman: “I’m really more like one quarter of a guy.” Asked about the holes, Iris says, “it’s a long story. I was sad.… You don’t want to know.” Skelman advises against patching them: “Holes are terrifying… red eyes and… walking corpse full of holes.”

The murder

37. 0:39:00 There’s a weird coughing noise, then every candle goes out at once. Silence, then a shriek.
38. 0:39:41 The Arbiter relights the candles with a snap. Dozens of guests are gathered around the large tables in the banquet hall, wondering if it’s a show. Skelman rolls a natural 20 on instinct and is first to notice: Thea is face down in a bowl of gravy. Blood covers the table and the dishes are scattered. Thea’s blood changes color with her mood, like a mood ring. Fear is green, so her green blood pools into the gravy and mashed potatoes. She lies at the end of the table near the Grandmaster’s and Arbiter’s seats.
39. 0:41:26 — The doctor. A weak old figure in a white coat pushes through: “I’m a doctor.” They plug a stethoscope into their own arm, lift Thea’s foot (“It is warm. I think that is good”), shake her limp body, and smash their head against hers: “I hear no thoughts.” The Arbiter: “To be fair, she didn’t have any anyway.” Bunga: “Well, she had thoughts of hot dogs.” “I pronounce them dead.”
40. 0:43:08 — The thread. The doctor pulls a small thread from the scene: “Oh, this is tasty. I will save this for later for me.” They pocket it.
41. 0:43:35 — “Medical school.” The Arbiter asks where they studied. “I attended at medical school.” Skelman claims Medical School is “the name of a rather prestigious medical school.” Bunga: “You shut it, Boney.” Skelman: “My name is Skelmin, thank you very much. I was going to offer you a job.” Skelman dubs the doctor “Dr. Octor of medical school”, and the doctor accepts it: “I am Dr. Octor.” Skelman: “She was a worm 30 minutes ago.” Diagnosis: “Something killed this thing.… This appears to have hurt.”
42. 0:45:12 — The reward. The Arbiter: “this is typical Thea, every time, trying to ruin the fun.” He offers a hefty reward for information on the murderer: “surely one amongst you is the murderer, I’m not judging, we’ve all done it.” He suggests doing it after dinner. The Grandmaster: “Death will be discovered.” She promises “a prize of your choosing to be negotiated later” to whoever finds the killer. She tells the one invited journalist at the back not to write “deadly night” in the papers.
43. 0:46:26 — Seating by importance. Name cards are “in order of importance, so you can clearly tell your place in this realm.” A muffled voice comes from the mashed potatoes: “You’re actually over there.” The Arbiter smacks Thea’s head: “You’re dead… It’s gas escaping the body.” Skelman hears through “vibrations in my teeth.”
44. 0:47:30 The three are seated together about three quarters of the way down the table. A flat d20 decides their order. Bunga is placed first (“Everyone loves bread. This checks out”), then Iris, then “Dick Skelman.” Across from them sit Stuart, Dr. Octo and Lady Elizabeth. Skelman: “we’re the same rank as those assholes?” Lady Elizabeth: “I am from an esteemed family.” Skelman: “I don’t know where I came from.” Bunga: “Ground, I believe.”
45. 0:49:10 — The Poopshoe family. Asked about her rank, Lady Elizabeth says: “we are above everyone, but also at the same time below. Our family is technically been part of the Void for ages… known for our sewage and [waste] disposable capabilities. The Poop Chute is a family proud tradition. That’s why it’s our name. It’s French.” Skelman: “We install a poop chute in every dungeon!… I’ve had some leakages before.” She slams her trunk on the table: “Our chutes are slick.” She slurps wine with her trunk. Skelman: “these mashed potatoes taste like death.”
46. 0:50:35 — Stuart’s job. Iris says she’s here “to eventually compete.” Stuart: “I’m currently IT, but I will become a mage… the greatest mage.” He stands on his chair, catches the Arbiter’s eye, and shrinks back down. Skelman: “You have the confidence of a much taller man.”
47. 0:51:26 The Arbiter asks whether the Grandmaster invited “that kid.” She says they invite all employees, for morale. “There’s a reason why we haven’t had any hacking issues lately.… He’s brilliant, actually. He’s applied multiple times to move over to the magic department. Turns out he doesn’t have really a magic bone in his body.” Skelman: “Oh, I could give him a magic bone in his body.” Bunga objects that Stuart’s a child. “It’s not a literal child.” “His age is actually very hard to determine.”
48. 0:52:30 — Dinner served. The Grandmaster claps, and goblins in tiny tuxedos bring the first course, steaming vegetables. Skelman (19 instinct) sees every setting laid out with ruler precision, except that Bunga’s knife is slightly askew. He realigns it. Bunga smooths the butter down his front like a tie.
49. 0:54:21 — Knife insults. Lady Elizabeth: “A misplaced knife, you mean?” Bunga: “almost as misplaced as your elephant foot in your mouth.” She slams her wine glass down: “This hoof is pedicured with gems and diamonds. You’d be lucky to have this hoof in your own mouth.” She tries to throw her plate at him, and a goblin catches her hand. “I have my eye on you. That knife is suspicious.” She is led off to calm down.
50. 0:55:16 — The bloody napkin. The Arbiter strolls down: “the knife isn’t super suspicious, Grandmaster, but the bloody napkin that it was wiped with is.” It’s at Bunga’s place. Bunga: “this jelly reminds me of her [the Pop-Tart].” Everyone rolls instinct to check for colorblindness. The blood is green, the color of fear, like Thea’s. The napkin was folded over, as if someone cleaned the knife inside it and laid it neatly on the table. Dr. Octo lays a hand on it (“It is blood. I feel the napkin”) and drops it on Bunga.
51. 0:57:30 — Bunga’s defense. “This is not mine.” He describes his limbs: arms and feet like a syrup elemental. They don’t drip, but they leave a sticky residue wherever he walks. “If I had touched this, it would have been sticky.” Stuart points out he has no fingerprints. Bunga finger-guns a shot of syrup at Stuart, which Drew calls as an attack. Stuart holds up his plate to block it, then shoves his face into the food. A gasp goes through the hall, and every eye flicks between Bunga and Thea’s body, which grumbles.
52. 0:59:05 “Maybe a break for 10 minutes,” says Thea’s corpse as she crumples again. Bunga apologizes and smooths his butter: “I just wanted you to get a feel for how sticky I am.” Everyone reaches over to feel how sticky he is. The break begins.

After the break: the investigation

53. 0:59:45 The Arbiter: “We have had a murder, most foul, or just like a normal murder.” Dinner continues anyway. The Grandmaster: “You can’t solve a feast on an empty stomach.” Thea: “I’m not dead. Stop it.” The Arbiter slams her head down again, and green blood spurts onto the ceiling. Guests scoot her body aside and eat around the blood.
54. 1:01:25 — First suspicions. Skelman and Iris suspect the Loxodon, who accused Bunga so quickly and seemed “very jealous” of the Arbiter and Grandmaster. Skelman: “I haven’t had a motivation in quite some time. Used to wake up and have a motivation every morning.”
55. 1:02:34 — The wound. Asked about stab wounds, Dr. Octo replies, “Who is Thea?” Then they stick their finger inside Thea’s wound. Thea’s corpse: “The wound was about a finger in size.” On instinct, the doctor’s fingers turn out to be about knife size, so the wound is knife-sized.
56. 1:03:51 — The tape. Skelman checks Lady Elizabeth’s other foot for tape (she storms out yelling “Trash, trash, trash”). There’s no tape, and she couldn’t have maneuvered tape herself. Skelman: “She would have needed an accomplice!” Iris suggests Stuart, who seemed bitter.
57. 1:05:17 Iris pokes Bunga’s crust, which squishes “like a nice little roll” (the Arbiter: “It’s a Hawaiian roll”). They brief him.
58. 1:06:14 — Skelman’s existential crisis. Iris: “Are you just yelling, by the way?” Skelman: “How do you have a voice?… How do I have a voice?” Bunga: “I believe I sent our friend into an existential crisis.” Skelman: “How do I have thought?” Bunga suggests more of Tim’s goo (“Tim is not [here]. He was hanging out down in the kitchen”). Skelman recovers: “I can talk. I totally forgot about that. I have a magical bone.”
59. 1:07:37 — Jercasso under the table. On a 15 instinct, Skelman feels “soft little paw fingers” on his magical bone, which is his big toe. Under the tablecloth he finds Jercasso, licking the toe with a small pink tongue. Their trench coat has nearly doubled in size and strains at the buttons. They crawl up through his legs, face to face, and Skelman feels “tiny little hands” through the coat (“Hands multiple, wow”). He warns them about the acidic jelly on his midsection. They roll weirdly onto the cleared table and inchworm toward Thea’s body.
60. 1:09:49 — The catch. Iris grabs but only gets the back half (8). Bunga lays his sticky syrup arm across the table and catches them (advantage for the sticky status, 18).
61. 1:10:40 — The chinchillas. Unable to hold the commotion inside, the trench coat bursts open like a balloon. Out come stolen food, small items, “pink flesh” and three chinchillas. Skelman: “Oh, that’s why they had so many hands!”
62. 1:11:17 — The Chinchilla Union. The Arbiter flips over what’s in front of him: “Scabs! The Chinchilla Union is on strike. What are you doing?” “We want pizza.” “You don’t get pizza until you come back to work.” The Grandmaster sides with them: “We’ll get them their pizza party.” Arbiter: “We can’t afford pizza parties… You already gave them a pizza party six months ago.”

• Jervia: “We deserve good food.”
• Kevin: “Yes, all of this is ours.” He gathers up the exploded food.
• Sora is exhausted from carrying the other two on her shoulders the whole time. She rolls onto her back and naps.

63. 1:12:46 — The deal. The Arbiter: “you can have one, two pizza parties a year, but no more smoke b[reaks].” Chinchillas smoke “Cigarettes… these are Boston chinchillas.” Bunga to Sora: “maybe you should lay off the cigarettes so you can have a little more cardiovascular endurance.” Sora gives him dead eyes.
64. 1:13:32 — The Arbiter takes the case. He paces with his hands behind his back. “The lady is not the murderer because she can’t use a knife.” Lady Elizabeth: “No one here is worthy to be my accomplice.”
65. 1:14:07 — Skelman accused. Arbiter: “You have a very logical mind, the kind of mind that’s capable of plotting an intricate murder.” Bunga raises the rejected application. Skelman admits there was “a brief point” when he thought Thea might be the imp who delivered his rejection, “and my magical bone vibrated for a bit in anger.” Iris: “So additional motive.” Skelman: “Iris, we are both undead friends. Don’t turn against me now.”
66. 1:15:10 — Bunga accused. Arbiter: “And let’s not forget you, Mr. Seabunga, full of gluten. That’s it, that’s the entire accusation.” Bunga: “Was Thea allergic to gluten?” One of them says “Gluten intolerance? That’s racist,” and the Arbiter adds that gluten is “no longer popular in these parts” (speaker uncertain for the first part). Iris notes there’s no bread on the table. Arbiter: “It’s true. We’ve gone keto.” Bunga: “You know that my wife and I can’t have children.” Arbiter: “And so you thought you would take my assistant as revenge?” Bunga: “I do not want to babysit that child.”
67. 1:16:08 — Stuart’s amulet. Stuart pops up, his gel-spiked hair redone (he had joined the Loxodon on her bathroom break). He sidles up to the Arbiter, bumping shoulder to hip. He offers “an amulet that can always tell the truth and lie. And so if you lie, it turns bright red,” and puts it on Skelman.
    • “My name is Richard Skeleton Skelman.” No light.
    • “I am made of flesh.” Red.
    • “I didn’t murder Thea.” Red. Skelman panics: “This must be faulty… I have not done this!”
68. 1:18:17 — Made in China. Using a power-up for advantage on instinct (“my magical big toe vibrating… sound waves”), Skelman finds “made in China” stamped on the back of the amulet. Stuart fidgets with a hand in his pocket. Skelman: “I do get a lot of my monster imports for the dungeon from China, but perhaps it’s run out of battery!” Iris: “He’s trying to cover up the murder.” Skelman: “Stewart has done it.” Stuart: “Arbiter, you have to believe me… I always wanted to be by your side.” Skelman: “which is why he was so jealous about Thea rising up as a worm just today.”
69. 1:20:00 The Arbiter: “Put the necklace on, Stuart.” Stuart: “My name is Stuart.” Skelman: “He’s a murderer and a liar.” Stuart breaks down crying and shows what’s in his pocket: a small receiver with a button that turns the light on. “It’s just a toy.” “I just want to be in the magic department.”
70. 1:20:49 The Arbiter kneels and whispers in his ear: “I get it, I get it, but it’s never gonna fucking happen.” Iris consoles him: “IT people are very valued… You fix problems.” The Arbiter: “he might be a liar, but I don’t think he has it in him… It’s too pathetic.”
71. 1:21:45 — Internet history. Bunga: as IT, Stuart could have blackmailed the Arbiter through his internet history. Skelman: “I’m sure the Arbiter looks at some nasty things.” Bunga: “the nastiest, goopiest things.” Arbiter: “are you [kink] shaming me?… I need a new goo guy. I’m very forthright about that.”
72. 1:22:26 — The doctor again. The Arbiter doesn’t remember inviting a doctor. The Grandmaster: “we invited everyone of great renown and medium renown and a few gross renowns.” Dr. Octo is nibbling the thread found earlier, chewing faster to destroy it. “Drop it. Drop it.” They let go, and a small black thread floats down.
73. 1:23:43 — Iris’s stitches. Bunga asks what Iris stitches with: “sometimes flesh, sometimes… little strands of…” She trails off. Bunga examines her arm through handheld spectacles (power-up, 18). The black thread matches the hodgepodge in her stitches, so a piece of it plausibly ended up on Thea. Iris: “I’m a bit of a mess… my bits and parts get everywhere.” Bunga: why was it so close on Thea’s body after only a slight meeting?
74. 1:26:10 — The summation. The Arbiter says all three are equally suspect:
    • Skelman had access to the knife and was disgruntled, and his denial was on Stuart’s tech.
    • Bunga “is full of gluten and therefore cannot be trusted.”
    • Iris “clearly has left evidence directly on the body.” Dr. Octo shrinks into a squat against the wall. Arbiter: “That guy was trying to listen for thoughts. I don’t think that he has the capacity to disguise a murder.”
75. 1:27:18 — The “time eyes.” Thea’s corpse: “Just use your weird time eyes!” Arbiter: “I was getting to it!… It’s not called time eyes. It’s called temporal transmogrification.” Thea: “You’re just mad because I trademarked it, so every time he uses the spell, I get a little money from it.” Skelman: “Oh, that’s smart!”
76. 1:27:59 — The reveal. The Arbiter’s eyes flash with multicolored chaos lightning. He pulls back through time and space, and everyone watches the evening run in reverse: food coming back up out of mouths, laughter backwards. Near the start of the night they see the murder, and the hand of the murderer is Iris’s.
77. 1:28:40 Skelman: “I fucking knew it! How could you fellow undead perform a murder?… Clear as day!” The Grandmaster: “Iris, what do you say for yourself killing a member of the Void?”

Iris’s vengeance

78. 1:29:07 Iris’s innocent facade drops: “You seriously had to go and use the time eyes, Arbiter.” Arbiter: “I could have done it at any time. I just wanted to let it play out.”
79. 1:29:39 — Motive. “I killed poor little Thea the same way you killed my husband. Yes, I took the knife and stabbed little Thea over and over again, just like you stabbed me and my husband. And I’ve come to get him back.” Arbiter: “I’ve stabbed a lot of people. Can you… refresh my memory?” Iris: “Why don’t you go back to my wedding night?… It was a feast like this one… We were celebrating. And you killed him.”
80. 1:30:44 — The Arbiter remembers. His eyes roll “through the rolodex”: “the venue had been double booked and for a Deathmatch and… I couldn’t lose the deposit… those places aren’t cheap.” Iris: “That’s why you ruined my night. My special night… For a deathmatch!”
81. 1:31:26 — Dessert is weapons. “Ah, for a deathmatch,” the Grandmaster stands. “Let’s go ahead and serve dessert.” Goblins bring silver platters of weapons: rocket launchers, flamethrowers, swarms of bees, chainsaws, daggers, marbles, sharp d4 dice, a net thrower. “Capture her if you want the prize.”
82. 1:32:10 — Sympathy. Skelman: “I feel like she might have been justified… I may not remember my murder, but I know I was murdered, and I do still feel rather strongly about it.” Bunga: “As a married host, I kind of understand her sentiment.”
83. 1:32:35 — Skelman vs the Arbiter. “Time eyes this, bitch!” Skelman fires a rocket launcher at the Arbiter. He takes advantage “because I said bitch,” but it misses. The Arbiter (modifier “+5” as “a relative god-like being”) stops the rocket in mid-air in time and throws it back, using a Heroic Surge, two power-ups and three status effects “because I can.”
84. 1:33:54 — Tim the decoy. Skelman ducks under the table and puts Tim the gelatinous cube in his place, molding him into a skeleton shape “like a marginal snowman” (“Sorry, Tim”). Tim had come out on one of the platters. He hides, then rolls a natural 1 on mettle: “I forgot it was a homing missile!” He falls apart “like a cartoon xylophone of bones”, left on 1 HP as just a skull on the table, and his magic bone, the big toe. “Sorry Iris, I did my best! Good luck everyone!”
85. 1:35:52 — The apology. Skelman: “I do feel like you at least owe her an apology.” The Arbiter: “I have killed a lot of people and I’m working on being a little bit better… I’m sorry that I killed your husband. To be fair though, when I found him, he was stealing the money out of your bank account.… maybe we can work something out.”
86. 1:36:35 Iris: “No. I’ve come here for vengeance. And I will destroy everybody in this room if I have to.” The Grandmaster claps: “That’s the attitude I like.” She has goblins line up weapons for her.
87. 1:37:01 — Closure. Bunga suggests the Arbiter let Iris face her husband for “closure.” The Arbiter offers a job: “would you like to be in the magic school? Would you like a job?” Stuart looks up hopefully and gets “Get fucked, Stuart.” Bunga says he’d need to talk to “the mistress” (his wife) but is “very much interested.” Arbiter: “You’re the kind of mind that we could really use around this place.” (Inferred: the offer is to Bunga, from these lines.)
88. 1:37:52 — Tony returns. The Arbiter pulls up the earth and reshapes it. Pieces of a dead body come through portals and re-form, golem-like, then stitched up like Iris. The husband opens his eyes and coughs out dust “like Hocus Pocus.” Table joke: he’s “Tony Soprano… he’s got a cigarette.” Iris: “Tony, is that really you?” Tony: “Yeah, it’s me. This is a little awkward.”
89. 1:39:11 — The truth about Tony. “Were you really stealing money?” Tony: “Which time?” “That’s why you married into my family. For our money.” Tony: “Well, I married into a lot of families for the money.” Skelman’s skull: “There’s a rocket launcher on the table, if you’re looking for it.” Iris: “This must be lies from the Arbiter.” Arbiter: “I murdered the guy. I didn’t make him a douchebag.”
90. 1:39:55 Iris’s tear ducts open, but no tears and no blood come. “This is what I must do.” She grabs the rocket launcher. The room chants “Closure, closure,” the chinchillas pounding the table.
91. 1:40:29 Tony: “I make one mistake.” Iris: “I’ve made a lot of excuses for many of your mistakes… Maybe I was spared from marrying you. Now look at me. I’m undead… My eyeballs are falling out, my arm sometimes falls apart… But I’ve never felt more alive.” Tony: “I give you a four out of ten.” “Say goodbye, Tony.”
92. 1:41:09 — The kill. Iris fires the rocket launcher point-blank (auto-crit on the freshly re-formed Tony). Pieces of Tony blast all over the walls, the guests, the Lady, and Thea’s body. Skelman: “That was pretty cool.”
93. 1:41:50 — The Grandmaster’s blessing. “This is the energy of the Deathmatch, that we may be reborn again and again and find our true selves.” She holds Iris up in an ethereal glow as the stage lights swing onto her. Bunga lifts Skelman’s skull so he can see.
94. 1:42:32 — Dr. Octo’s repair. Dr. Octo licks the bottom of Skelman’s big toe, “lick[s] and stick[s]” it onto a femur bone with their now-sticky saliva, and hands it to Bunga. “That’s not where that belongs!” Arbiter: “I don’t think that guy’s a real doctor, Grandmaster.” Skelman: “I’m starting to get the feeling he didn’t go to medical school.”
95. 1:43:21 — Close. The Grandmaster: “medical school or not, you all have graduated from our Deathmatch banquet… I couldn’t think of a grander way to kick things off.” She toasts “Seabunga, Skelbin, and of course, Iris.” A long chorus of “Thank you” follows. Skelman: “Good luck next time. I’m a weapon.”
96. 1:44:24 The Arbiter: “I think this sets a nice tone for the new era of Deathmatches.”
97. 1:44:40 — Thea lives. “Even your little assistant has made it through.” Thea crawls up front: “I am here. I feel great… Slightly tenderized like a steak. I have a few more holes in me than before.” Iris: “Sorry about that one.” Thea: “It’s okay. Now we both have holes.… Let’s do a hole tour.” Thea lands on Iris’s shoulder.
98. 1:45:17 The Grandmaster: “There is no permanent death here, but every time we are reborn, we see new victory in ourselves and in the Void. So thank you as we kick off season of the trials. Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!” Someone shouts “RUN!” (1:45:57).

Who and what appears

Characters

Iris (speaker 00). A dead bride. She wears her own torn wedding gown, has reddish hair and stitches all over, carries a weathered bouquet, and her limbs and eyes come loose.

• Recently dead. Wine leaks from stab holes in her stomach (“I was sad”).
• Both eyes are now wine-stained red.
• She stitches herself with flesh and odd strands, including black thread.
• She and her husband were stabbed and killed by the Arbiter on their wedding night, at a feast. The venue had been double-booked for a Deathmatch.
• She murdered Thea with a knife at the banquet to get vengeance, then blew up her resurrected husband Tony with a rocket launcher. “I’ve never felt more alive.” The Grandmaster praised her energy.
• She says she’s there “to eventually compete.”

Richard S. Skelman (speaker 05). “Richard Skeleton Skelman,” “Dungeon Designer and Keeper of the Year,” from a long line of Skelmans.

• A skeleton, “one quarter of a guy.” He was resurrected without his clothes. He doesn’t remember his own murder but knows he was murdered.
• His voice and thought come from his magical bone, his big toe.
• His dungeon application was rejected for an overblown bone budget, with an insulting imp messenger.
• He uses Tim and the Poopshoe chutes (“leaky”) in his dungeons, and imports monsters from China. He wants to hire Bunga for a butter trap.
• He noticed Thea’s body first.
• Fired a rocket at the Arbiter, which was thrown back as a homing missile. He is reduced to a skull and his toe, which Dr. Octo stuck to a femur.

Cornelius Antonio “C.A.” Bunga (speaker 03). A hip-high slice of buttered sourdough toast.

• Syrup eyes, syrup mustache and syrup-elemental limbs that leave sticky residue. A leaf top hat and a breadstick cane.

• Married to Lady Tortiliana, Lady Elizabeth’s rival. They can’t have children.

• His ex was Pop-Tart (“that jelly was toxic”).

• Runs a dairy establishment. On a diet (unsalted butter).

• Caught the chinchillas with his sticky arm. Offered a job by the Arbiter (inferred, 1:37:19–1:37:45).

• Small brain; gold-star chart; wants a hot dog. Banned from hot dogs except “backwards.”

• Friends with Tim. Her blood changes color with her mood (fear = green).

• Murdered face down in gravy, yet kept talking as a “corpse.” Revived at the end and perched on Iris’s shoulder.

• Claims to have trademarked “time eyes” and to earn money whenever the Arbiter uses the spell.

The Arbiter (Drew). Opens the “new era” (build champions up, then watch them kill each other).

• Created Thea; rejects Stuart twice. Wants a new “goo guy.” Negotiates with the Chinchilla Union.
• Uses temporal transmogrification (“time eyes”) to replay the night in reverse, with multicolored chaos lightning in his eyes.
• Killed Iris and her husband at their wedding feast over a double-booked Deathmatch venue. He apologized, saying he’s “working on being a little bit better.”
• Stopped a rocket in time and resurrected Tony from pieces.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec). Back on the Dread Fortress throne; hosts the feast.

• Wanted to bite Bunga. Invites all employees for morale.
• Promised a negotiable prize for finding the murderer. Served weapons for dessert.
• Sided with the chinchillas on pizza. Celebrates rebirth through the Deathmatch.

Stuart the Gray (Bec). The Dread Fortress IT guy, in khaki shorts and a blue polo, with over-gelled spiky hair.

• A fan of the Arbiter. Keeps applying to the magic department (“doesn’t have a magic bone in his body”).
• Brought a fake truth amulet (“made in China,” remote button).

Lady Elizabeth Barry Ann Poopshoe (Bec). A wealthy Loxodon in a red velvet cloak and jewels, with her drink taped to her foot.

• Her family runs sewage and waste disposal across the Void (“the Poop Chute… It’s French”).
• Rival of Lady Tortiliana. Calls everyone trash.

Jercasso (Bec). The trench coat. It was three chinchillas, Jervia, Kevin and Sora, of the Chinchilla Union, on strike for a pizza party. They are “Boston chinchillas” who smoke cigarettes. Sora carried the other two.

Dr. Octo / “Dr. Octor” (Bec). A weak old “doctor” in a white coat from “medical school.”

• Uses a stethoscope plugged into their arm. Pronounced Thea dead.
• Ate evidence thread. Licks toes; has sticky saliva. Probably not a real doctor.

Tim (the Wicked). A gelatinous cube living downstairs/in the kitchen.

• Acidic goo that leaves bones alone, about 1 sp an ounce. “Needs no rest.”
• Has caught three adventurers at once and has devoured cows. Used as Skelman’s decoy.

Tony. Iris’s husband, killed by the Arbiter. He married into “a lot of families for the money” and stole from Iris. Resurrected by the Arbiter, then rocketed to pieces by Iris.

Lady Tortiliana. Bunga’s wife, mentioned only.

Pop-Tart. Bunga’s ex, mentioned only.

Unnamed: the insulting imp who rejected Skelman; the invited journalist; goblin staff.

Places

• The Dread Fortress: lava terrain, a hot and humid “sulking mouth” with cold stone floors.
  • The bloody carpet.
  • The reception hall, with a diamond mosaic floor and a stage.
  • The banquet hall, with long tables and a chandelier.
  • The kitchen/downstairs, where Tim lives.
  • The magic department and IT.

Items

• Stuart’s fake truth amulet and its receiver.
• The murder knife and the bloody napkin.
• The black thread.
• The weapon dessert platters (rocket launchers, etc.).
• Skelman’s bag of bones.
• The giant goblet.
• Thea’s gold-star notepad.

Lore statements

• The Shadow King is defeated, but his soul was torn asunder and the pieces scattered about the Void.
• The Arbiter returned from death; the Grandmaster was liberated and retook the throne.
• New era: champions are to be “built up.” Season 6 is called “season of the trials” by the Grandmaster.
• “There is no permanent death here.”
• The Dread Fortress has gone keto; gluten is unpopular.

Quotes by character

Iris

• 0:13:10 “I hope I’m not late.”
• 0:13:51 “Well, it was mine.”
• 0:36:01/0:38:01 “Oh, look at that! Oh, wow, this is new.”
• 0:38:21 “Oh, well, it’s a long story. I was sad.”
• 1:25:40 “These things do tend to get loose everywhere. I’m trying to work on that, you know?”
• 1:29:07 “You seriously had to go and use the time eyes, Arbiter. You had to, didn’t you?”
• 1:29:39 “I killed poor little Thea the same way you killed my husband.”
• 1:30:26 “Why don’t you go back to my wedding night? My wedding night!”
• 1:31:14 “That’s why you ruined my night. My special night. Because you needed it for a deathmatch.”
• 1:36:35 “No. I’ve come here for vengeance. And I will destroy everybody in this room if I have to.”
• 1:40:33 “My eyeballs are falling out, my arm sometimes falls apart. Yes. But I’ve never felt more alive.”
• 1:41:09 “Say goodbye, Tony.”

Richard S. Skelman

• 0:09:53 “I am Richard S. Skelmin. I am the Dungeon Designer and Keeper of the Year.”
• 0:11:31 “What can I say? I like big bones and I cannot lie.”
• 0:14:07 “You just gotta keep on boning on.”
• 0:22:22 “Welcome to the undead family, yes, yes.”
• 0:32:52 “Tim needs no rest. No rest for Tim the Wicked.”
• 0:44:13 “She was a worm 30 minutes ago.”
• 1:04:49 “She would have needed an accomplice!”
• 1:06:46 “How do I have a voice?”
• 1:14:55 “Iris, we are both undead friends. Don’t turn against me now.”
• 1:28:40 “I fucking knew it! How could you fellow undead perform a murder?”
• 1:32:35 “Time eyes this, bitch!”
• 1:35:45 “Sorry Iris, I did my best! Good luck everyone!”

C.A. Bunga

• 0:07:30 “Well, good heavens, that’s gonna be hell on my butter, Tookus.”
• 0:09:09 “I think not, madam.”
• 0:19:20 “I’m a piece of fucking toast. I don’t know anything about eating.”
• 0:24:52 “Good lady, I am quite married to another lady, actually… Lady Tortiliana.”
• 0:33:10 “How well do you think the goo would do with some milk?”
• 0:34:57 “Yes, you have a green goo guy, and I am your white goo guy.”
• 0:35:52 “Pop-Tart was his ex. We don’t bring her up.”
• 0:54:28 “It’s almost as misplaced as your elephant foot in your mouth.”
• 0:58:04 “If I had touched this, it would have been sticky.”
• 1:15:42 “You know that my wife and I can’t have children.”
• 1:16:05 “I do not want to babysit that child.”

Thea

• 0:18:01 “Yes! I’m here and I have a voice now. I love this.”
• 0:18:56 “If I eat it in reverse, does that count?”
• 0:21:14 “Would you like it by the barrel or in a goblin?” (01)
• 0:28:39 “I have a gelatinous cube friend named Tim downstairs.”
• 0:46:56 “You’re actually over there.” (from the gravy; 01)
• 1:00:34 “I’m not dead. Stop it.”
• 1:27:26 “Just use your weird time eyes!”
• 1:27:48 “You’re just mad because I trademarked it, so every time he uses the spell, I get a little money from it.” (01)
• 1:44:51 “I am here. I feel great… Slightly tenderized like a steak.”
• 1:44:51 “Now we both have holes… Let’s do a hole tour.”

The Arbiter

• 0:15:20 “Gone are the days of simple deathmatches where champions come to die for no reason over and over again.”
• 0:16:58 “I’m trying to turn over a new leaf here. I don’t want to be a dick to you, but it’s never going to fucking happen.”
• 0:17:16 “May I introduce my new assistant, Thea!”
• 0:18:50 “You do not get to eat hot dogs.”
• 0:19:36 “If it fits, it sits, I guess.”
• 0:33:26 “Remind me to have a conversation with Tim. I am in need of a new personal goo guy.”
• 0:45:12 “Surely one amongst you is the murderer, I’m not judging, we’ve all done it.”
• 1:11:17 “Scabs! The Chinchilla Union is on strike.”
• 1:15:10 “Mr. Seabunga, full of gluten. That’s it, that’s the entire accusation.”
• 1:27:31 “It’s called temporal transmogrification. I’ve told you this.”
• 1:30:44 “The venue had been double booked and for a Deathmatch… I couldn’t lose the deposit.”
• 1:39:50 “I murdered the guy. I didn’t make him a douchebag.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

• 0:08:59 “He sounds delicious… Let me get a bite of him.”
• 0:11:25 “His bone budget was way overblown.” (02)
• 0:45:47 “Death will be discovered.”
• 0:46:26 “We’ve kindly put you in order of importance, so you can clearly tell your place in this realm.”
• 1:00:22 “You can’t solve a feast on an empty stomach.”
• 1:22:38 “We invited everyone of great renown and medium renown and a few gross renowns.”
• 1:31:26 “Let’s go ahead and serve dessert.”
• 1:36:35 “That’s the attitude I like.”
• 1:41:50 “This is the energy of the Deathmatch, that we may be reborn again and again and find our true selves.”
• 1:45:17 “There is no permanent death here, but every time we are reborn, we see new victory in ourselves and in the Void.”

Stuart the Gray

• 0:16:39 “Because all the great wizards are gray. Like Gandalf and the other gray wizards.”
• 0:51:02 “I’m currently IT, but I will become a mage. I will become the best mage.”
• 1:16:48 “An amulet that can always tell the truth and lie.” (02)
• 1:20:40 “I just want to be in the magic department.” (02)

Lady Elizabeth

• 0:22:59 “Party tricks are for the poor.”
• 0:25:02 “My rival… Trash.”
• 0:49:28 “The Poop Chute is a family proud tradition. That’s why it’s our name. It’s French.”
• 0:50:04 “Nothing gets rid of waste better than ours. Our chutes are slick.”
• 0:54:48 “This hoof is pedicured with gems and diamonds.”
• 1:13:57 “No one here is worthy to be my accomplice.”

Jercasso / the chinchillas

• 0:30:39 “Something smells delicious and it is you.” (02)
• 1:11:28 “We want pizza.” (02)
• 1:12:15 Jervia: “We deserve good food.” Kevin: “Yes, all of this is ours.”

Dr. Octo

• 0:41:26 “I’m a doctor.”
• 0:42:27 “I hear no thoughts.”
• 0:44:49 “Something killed this thing.”

Tony

• 1:39:14 “Which time?”
• 1:39:22 “Well, I married into a lot of families for the money.”
• 1:40:58 “I give you a four out of ten.”

Canon notes

• Players: Miss_Magitek (Iris), ParallaxStella (C.A. Bunga), RunawayRobot (Richard S. Skelman).
• “The Season of the Trials” is Season 6’s official in-world name.
• Stuart is the Dread Fortress’s IT support (also a gag for real-life tech trouble).