D20 Deathmatch Wiki

S7E1 — A Soup Served Cold — DeeDrah v Gazpacho Man Andy Gammage

Properties1
tagsepisode, season-7

36 min read

Champions and playersMrsBettierage as DeeDrah; Jay Foster (whoisjayfoster) as Andy Gammage, “Gazpacho Man”
ResultAndy Gammage (wins the rock-paper-scissors mega chaos event, then drives his soup ladle through DeeDrah’s eye)
Arena”the castle”, a blood-soaked castle rampart under a giant full moon
HostsMudcat (narration, the Arbiter, Gerald / the Box of Chaos); Caustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer, chaos events, Thea)
WatchYouTube

What happens

Opening — the Dread Fortress

  1. 0:00:33 The show intro: “Welcome to D20 Deathmatch!” The Arbiter announces “Season 7 begins now.” The Grandmaster says the Acolytes “have been begging for your return to the arena.”
  2. 0:01:12 — Stuart. The Arbiter asks the Grandmaster to keep talking because Stuart, the IT guy, is “screwing up in the background again.” The GM: “Stuart gets everything wrong.”
  3. 0:01:17 — The season’s purpose. The GM kicks off the “season of Vigilance”:
    • “Things are changing in the Void and danger is edging along.” She adds, “I shouldn’t have said edging, that sounded sexual.”
    • The champions are brought back “for good reason. So that way we may be united as a community, that we remember who we are. These fights aren’t just for show.” Then she adds: “I mean, they are very much so for show.”
    • The fights “bring out the best of us… We give it to the very last drop of blood.”
  4. 0:02:20 — Welcome to the Dread Fortress.
    • First-timers should bring their grandmas and throw them in the arena as fodder, shouting the grandma’s name so she gets into the credits.
    • At the break there is a blue slushie machine (“one of our favorites”) and Double Sun Cola.
    • “I, just the most amazing and generous Grandmaster. Isn’t that right, Arbiter?” He hedges: “I don’t know if I’d put it that way.”
  5. 0:03:26 — Who would agree. The GM lists people who would back her up: Grandma Naomi, Linda (“Nobody likes Linda, though”), Edna (“Everyone knows Edna”). The Arbiter adds Anna Vortaria [spelling?]: “those are people that no one even knows.” He tells her she does “fine around here,” but “let’s not blow it out of proportion.”
  6. 0:03:51 — Thea was put in charge. The GM asks if he forgot the champions again.
    • The Arbiter: “I am now upper management, as you know, and I have delegated that to Thea.”
    • He looks around the empty halls of the Dread Fortress for her. All he remembers is that she was working on “a craft… a project… Deadline.”
    • The GM: “Are you allowing her to play with scissors at this point?”
  7. 0:04:56 — The portal. The Arbiter smacks his hands together, hoping Thea arranged champions. A portal in time and space rips open and the champions step through. The players had to be cued in (“That’s your cue… get in here”).
  8. 0:05:53 — DeeDrah. “Grandmaster. I am Deidra. I am here to fight for you.”
    • She claims to be an experienced fighter with a single “Yeah.” The GM accepts it (“Who would just say they were if they weren’t?”).
    • The GM puts her money on DeeDrah before even hearing from Andy.
  9. 0:06:36 — Andy Gammage.
    • “My name’s Andrew. My friends can call me Andy. Andy Gammage! Gazpacho Man! Intercontinental Cold Soups Champion.”
    • “I’m here to win back my full mortality so I can take on Mean Gene for that world title.”
    • The GM fusses over what to call him. He says friends can call him Andy, and so can everyone else.
    • The Arbiter: “He’s desperate for friendship.” Andy agrees they’re doing him a favor, since he “potentially can win exactly what I want.”
  10. 0:08:00 — Names. The GM finds his many names greedy and prefers DeeDrah’s single name: “Just like Cher… Easy to chant.” She chants “Deidra” four times. The Arbiter: “a woman with one name and a man with way too many names… If it’s not [great], you know who to blame.” The GM: blame Thea.
  11. 0:08:48 — The arena: the castle. The GM wants the fight “where she cannot get to,” meaning Thea: “Take us to the castle.”
    • The Arbiter flares his white glowing wings in ripples of time and space. No portal opens: “kind of like the Scooby-Doo ending,” everything blends.
    • They arrive on top of a rampart of a dreary, dread castle. A giant full moon shines down on a blood-soaked castle.
    • In the background there are screams of innocents, gnashing of teeth and wailing. Dead bodies and weapons (halberds, swords) lie strewn about.
    • The GM: “It is cold, it is desolate, and it is begging to be destroyed by our champions… Make this your stage.”
  12. 0:10:41 The Arbiter flies high into the sky (“Acolytes! Are you ready to see some blood?”) and calls a flat d20 roll-off for initiative. DeeDrah thought low numbers won (“I’m almost number one”). Andy goes first.

Round 1

  1. 0:12:15 — The steel chair. “I’m very sorry, Deidre, that I have to do this to you, but I gotta get back my honor… become the gazpacho king.”
    • With a heavy heart he pulls out his steel chair. He rummages, then pulls it from his elbow crease “like a clown’s pocket”; he keeps things “in one of these biceps.”
    • Someone calls out “He’s a magician!” Andy: “You don’t earn money doing cold soup shows. You gotta earn on the side.”
    • The chair hits with “a beautiful smash sound.” The GM: “I think I may have underestimated you a little bit. My apologies.” Andy: “apology accepted.”
  2. 0:14:56 — Push and charge. Andy’s weapon mastery sends DeeDrah skidding back 10 ft, “anime style.” He then charges her for his second attack (Charger feat, bonus damage).
    • GM: “This may be cold soup, but things are getting hot. That was a good line. One point for the Grandmaster.”
    • Andy: “Chipping away. Doesn’t have to be fast. We can go slow.” GM: “This is why you deserve to be a champion.”
  3. 0:17:05 — Blue slushies. The Acolytes throw blue slushies, specifically at Andy, and he guzzles one (“It’s no gazpacho, but it’ll do”). This is the slushie/adrenaline bonus, +1 to his rolls.
  4. 0:18:12 — DeeDrah’s response. She fights with a short sword in one hand and a sickle in the other.
    • The short sword hits (“stabby stab”). Andy: “I’m just fine. Just warm enough. Unlike my soups, which are cold.”
    • The sickle slash would land, but Andy uses Cutting Words “from my bard side”: “Not today, little lady. I got soups to make.” The sickle attack now misses.
  5. 0:20:52 — Slasher. DeeDrah’s Slasher feat (“slow that shit down”) lands from her slashing hit. Since the two are locked together on the wall, the Arbiter rules it gives Andy disadvantage on his first attack next round instead of reducing his speed.
  6. 0:21:47 DeeDrah hexes Andy with her bonus action. The Arbiter allows it even though she’d already attacked: “You should have maybe hexed him first, but whatever.”
  7. 0:22:25 — Bets. The GM is pleased with the face-to-face fighting and still bets on DeeDrah. The Arbiter pulls for Andy: “a man who’s, you know, confident enough to give himself several nicknames… screams winner.”

Chaos event 1 — the insulting children (0:23:31)

  1. DeeDrah rolls a 9. In the stands, a contingent of children aged about five to 12 cheer, but they are hurling insults: “You dress like me, Ma! You don’t have enough toes!” “Oh, your eyebrows! One’s bigger than the other!”
  2. Both champions fail the Wisdom save, Andy with a natural 1 (“No one passes!”). The insults hurt Andy most: “Cold soup sucks! Hot soup’s better!”
  3. 0:25:10 — Thea is in the crowd. Among the children is a tiny pink imp, Thea, who “seems to have it out for” Andy; her laser-beam eyes make the insults hurt more. Andy takes 2 damage, DeeDrah 1.
  4. 0:25:47 — Thea’s report.
    • The Arbiter: “Thea, where have you been?” Thea: “I was hanging out in a couple of places. Do I have to give a report?”
    • The GM doesn’t want to read it: “I don’t think she knows how to write.” The Arbiter: “I haven’t taught her to write.”
    • Thea’s spoken report: she counted stairs (“1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 9, 12, 14, 82 stairs, I think”). Then she went through doors shaped like a big U, a big I, a big O and a big I again and found the bathroom, “which was really nice, but I didn’t need to be there yet.”
    • The Arbiter: “It sounds like an adventure.” They move on.

Round 2

  1. 0:27:01 The Arbiter mixes up the turn order (“Arbiter’s already messed up”). He says Stewart hasn’t been helpful this week and the arena is a mess.
  2. 0:27:19 — The toes and the rage. The pink thing’s insult “hurt me right in the feelings.”
    • “I am sensitive about the number of toes I have. It’s not my fault. It was a cold soup accident.”
    • The rage: all his biceps bulge, and the gazpacho’s spice heat (not temperature) turns him red up to the forehead and shoots steam out of his ears.
    • DeeDrah: “It’s okay for you to be hot and steamy, but not your soup. It’s inconsistent.”
  3. 0:28:43 — Heroic surge. The Acolytes’ praise floods DeeDrah’s brain and grants her a heroic surge: she may break the rules once, “big anime moment.”
  4. 0:29:35 — The grapple and the 2×4.
    • Andy punches (unarmed strike) and grapples her (Grappler feat). He gets her in a headlock and pushes out his middle knuckle for “a big old noogie.” She fails the Strength save.
    • He then reaches into another bicep and pulls out a two-by-four with barbed wire on it.
    • The Arbiter realizes the man has been pulling things from inside his arms: “This whole time he’s had skin pockets.” The GM: “Very efficient.”
  5. 0:32:22 — The smell. The GM asks when he last showered. Andy: “Well, I’ve been dead for 20 years, so probably 30 years.”
    • DeeDrah makes a Constitution save against the stink and rolls 20: “I don’t mind things that stink. I like stinky things.”
    • Andy: “It’s my heavenly aura. …I think you’ll find that it’s actually still in your face.”
  6. 0:33:17 — The noogie. The 2×4 attack, with advantage on the grappled DeeDrah, is a natural 20, and he gains more adrenaline.
    • “I’m gonna give you the worst noogie of your life… With a two by four barbed wire. Just raking it back and forth. Fucking up that hair.”
    • Her hair now “looks like somebody backcombed the shit out of it.” The Arbiter: “Scalp damage.”
    • DeeDrah: “Nobody touches my hair.”
  7. 0:35:10 — Eldritch Blast in the face. Still grappled, DeeDrah throws up her hand and “sparkly magic” erupts: “don’t touch my hair!” The Arbiter rules there’s no disadvantage for magic this close.
    • It hits Andy full in the face and up the nostrils, “straight into the dome.” Andy has no resistance to force: “One of the only things that works.”
    • Andy: “I see the turntables have turntabled.” Then: “You think that’s the worst thing I’ve snorted?”
  8. 0:37:42 — Swallow Magic. Her second blast misses, and Andy uses “swallow magic” to eat the beam.
    • “I just open my mouth and my eyes roll back as it hits the back of my throat and then rolls down as I swallow it.”
    • The Acolytes go “fucking ape shit”: they “have never seen this before except for on HBO.” The display earns Andy his own heroic surge, and the swallowed magic heals him.
    • The GM makes him roll a d4 for how many swallows: two. “It’s a lot of magic. Deidre’s very powerful.” The Arbiter: “Some people pay extra for that though.”
    • Andy’s motto: “Gotta prepare when you’re standing ready, oh yeah.”
  9. 0:41:22 DeeDrah: “ew… okay, now I know what I’m dealing with.” With the Acolytes’ adrenaline she breaks the grapple (dirty 20): “I am free from your grip, and you still had to eat magic.”
  10. 0:42:27 The Arbiter: “we just watched a grown man swallow a beam of magic in two gulps.” The GM is impressed: “I imagine he had to eat a lot of gazpacho soup to prepare… I think that might be a first here in the arena.”

Chaos event 2 — the western bar (0:43:14)

  1. Andy rolls a 4 (“After my Eldritch Throat Blast”).
    • The moon dims as if on a dimmer, and the stone floor turns sticky.
    • Each champion finds an opened PBR in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other, and a mechanical bull pumps up from the ground beneath them.
    • “We are in a western bar… Roll to yee-haw, motherfuckers.” They make Dex saves to stay on.
  2. 0:45:10 — Both stay on.
    • DeeDrah is a pro: “Oh, I know this scene. Yee-haw, motherfuckers!” She has named her bull Edward; “We’re buddies.”
    • Andy matches her (advantage from “dangerous things”). He describes his skill set as “Throating magic and frustrating folks.”
    • The Arbiter asks about his gym. Andy makes his gazpacho in “the danger room from the X-Men,” with no stove since it’s cold.
    • On the bull, Andy surfs its back, gyrating his hips.

Round 3

  1. 0:47:48 Andy: “You may have broken my grip once, but you won’t do it again.” He hits, then tries to grapple. DeeDrah rolls a natural 20: “I’m a slippery little fucker.” The Arbiter: “Put that on your tombstone.” She dives under him (“Go low. He’s never seen his ankles,” says the GM).
  2. 0:49:45 — Shadow armor. DeeDrah’s reaction is shadow armor: she pulls from the Plane of Shadows, the next attack against her has disadvantage, and she resists radiant damage, which she “already had.”
    • The GM: the shadows creep up as the moon brightens again and hug her arm, tightening if she pulls against them.
    • Andy: “Don’t you fuck with hugs. That’s all I’m trying to do.” DeeDrah: “Not from you.”
  3. 0:50:53 Andy hits anyway (27 with disadvantage) and tries the grapple again; she resists (21). He answers with Cutting Words: “you don’t get this intercontinental championship built by pulling moves like that… you in the big time now.” She is grappled again. DeeDrah: “I am a champion regardless of what you say, but that kind of hurt a little bit.”
  4. 0:52:55 — The heavenly aura and the flight.
    • “Almost as if I was making a Hatsu, which I am not.” He unleashes his heavenly aura, and big golden wings sprout from his back. He flies straight up with DeeDrah in his grip. The GM: “Two of you, a silhouette against the moon, just picturesque.”
    • He spends his heroic surge to fly as high as possible (advantage, double 14s): about a hundred feet up.
    • At the top: “Look kid, I really like you, but I gotta get to the gazpacho king status. I’ll see you at the bottom.” He lets go.
  5. 0:55:30 — DeeDrah’s wings. As she falls she keeps facing him, then uses Celestial Revelation: her wings come out and she flies back down: “Come and get me, fucker!”
    • The Arbiter: “Guess that’s the problem when both champions have wings.” DeeDrah: “Everyone has wings!” Someone: “That’s the quickest shutdown of a heroic surge.”
    • On the way down she fires two Eldritch Blasts. Both miss, “just for dramatic effect.”

Chaos event 3 — the chinchilla (0:57:32)

  1. The Arbiter rolls a 17 (the GM: “you are actually really terrible at rolling”).
    • Something small on the ground, like a pebble, shakes and pitter-patters toward them. It is a tiny chinchilla with sad big eyes, begging for warmth in the cold. They must resist its icy touch, “Because they are Chin Killers!”
    • DeeDrah rolls a natural 20: “Look here, little fucker, I’m cute too, and I know we can pack a punch, so you stay over there.” Andy rolls 19.
  2. 0:59:13 — The bond. The GM rules the chinchilla bonds to DeeDrah and adds +1 to her attacks: “Chaos is good and chaos is bad.”
    • Andy gets to name his chinchilla but isn’t tempted (“Just don’t add it to your soup”): “My autistic focus right now is on sea lions.”
    • The GM nearly chokes on her water and promises: “We’ll find you a sea lion over the break.”
  3. 1:00:35 The Arbiter calls the break: “maybe find a seal or something like that. We’ll be back in 10 minutes.”

Ad break (1:00:35–1:11:06), excluded

After the break

  1. 1:11:06 — Thea’s commercial.
    • The GM: “Wait, did we just watch the same thing?” Neither approved Thea’s commercial: “Now she has a whole segment?”
    • The Arbiter: “How did she even learn to edit the video? Thea, who taught you to do that?”
    • Thea hops up the steps, farting each time, and refuses to answer.
  2. 1:11:47 — Partners?
    • The GM blames the Arbiter: “We’ll talk about this later in your performance review.” He objects: “I give the performance reviews to Thea… We’re a team now. We’re partners now.”
    • GM: “I am the Grandmaster. There’s no Grandmaster and Arbiter. There’s the Grandmaster and then the Arbiter.”
    • Arbiter: “We’re like much closer, you know?… I mean, I kind of saved your life.”
    • GM: “You should die of embarrassment for saying something like that, honestly.”
    • He starts “Acolytes, are you ready for some blood?” and she cuts in: “Blood!… Because I do it better.”

Round 4

  1. 1:12:52 — The first cup of soup. The GM confesses she has never had gazpacho: “I am eons of ages old, and I have never had it. So should you win, maybe I’ll have my first cup of soup.” Andy: “you haven’t lived… I’m going to serve it to you cold.” GM: “Put your fist where your mouth is.”
  2. 1:13:27 — Andy and the Arbiter.
    • Andy to the Arbiter: “don’t give up, okay? Because absence makes the heart grow fonder… One year off. That’s a lot of abstinence… Fill your cup of soup.”
    • Arbiter: “I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to say to me, but I like it. You can stay. I hope you win… you’re chill.”
    • Andy: “maybe the real magic was the D20 Deathmatch we deathed along the way.” Asked whether he’ll swallow magic again: “The gazpacho man promises nothing.”
  3. 1:14:44 — Piccolo. Andy hovers on beating wings “like… the guy from Dragon Ball Z, the green guy.” That’s Piccolo; the Arbiter had guessed Toucan Sam. Andy: “He used to be bad, then he gave birth to himself, now he’s good… Just like the gazpacho man.”
  4. 1:15:37 — Supersonic steel chair.
    • He goes “supersonic” straight at her with the steel chair. The table debates steel vs aluminum; the Arbiter prefers aluminum because it’s lightweight.
    • Andy: at this speed “an aluminum chair might just kind of fly off into the wind.” Gravity drags them “down to the depths.”
    • It hits, with Charger damage on top. The GM: “Shake it off, girl… Fix that hair.”
  5. 1:18:38 — The crowd avenges the hair. The Acolytes “don’t like” that her hair got messed up. They throw slushies, get in fist fights, rip their clothes off in the stands and chant “Deidre, Deidre.” She reaches five adrenaline: her next hit does critical damage. DeeDrah: “I like these people.”
  6. 1:20:04 — Pact blade and sickle. DeeDrah (“I’m faster than you”) attacks with her Pact of the Blade sword, which misses, then the sickle, which hits for heavy critical damage. Andy can’t cut it down with words this time. Slasher again gives him disadvantage on his next first attack.
  7. 1:22:11 She looks at the chinchilla: “Chinkilla pro.” (Its bonus was already counted.) She raises her hand at Andy as if to say bring it on. The GM: “this is where the fire starts to really get going.”

Chaos event 4 — the Box of Chaos (1:23:34)

  1. The Arbiter ups the ante: “Maybe we bring out the box.” The players chant “What’s in the box?”
  2. 1:24:02 — The box arrives.
    • He snaps his fingers, and a yellow and purple box shoots down from the heavens. The lid flips open with a beam of magical fire hundreds of feet tall that produces no heat (“please don’t swallow it”).
    • A shadowy figure with black, tendrilly fingers creeps out.
    • Andy swallows the fingers. Gerald: “Get the fuck off my fingers, guy. What the fuck are you doing?”
    • “I didn’t sign up for this… Where’s HR?” Someone answers: “Do your job, Gerald.” (Speaker uncertain.)
    • Gerald: “Just keep your mouth where I can see it.”
    • The rules: each champion may sacrifice to the box as a free action for a magic item of unknown rarity.
  3. 1:25:34 — Andy sacrifices his belt. Removing the fingers from his throat, he decides “if I’m gonna be the gazpacho king, I gotta get ready to leave the past behind.” He takes off his Intercontinental Championship belt, holds it up and drops it in.
    • Gerald: “I got a lot of shit, but not a championship belt. This is fucking sweet.”
    • The GM: “I don’t even think Gerald knows how to fashion with that.”
  4. 1:27:16 — The jean jacket.
    • The fingers pull back from Andy’s face this time (“So that’s how he likes it,” says the GM). They float him a garment, ethereal but with a solid structure of leather and chain: a denim jean jacket with the sleeves ripped off, +3 AC.
    • Andy: “You can get them digits nice and close if you want.” Gerald: “No, I think I’m good here… you enjoy that. We’ll just go our own ways.”
    • It fits perfectly, arms bulging out the sides. At once the Acolytes rip the sleeves off their own jackets to match.
    • Andy: “Gotta abolish that sleevery.” DeeDrah: “Sleeves are bullshit.” “No one wears sleeves here.”
  5. 1:29:59 — Andy’s turn.
    • He fumbles for items, then goes back to the steel chair for “a head shot.” He has carried it the whole time with its legs looped onto his wing, so it’s awkward but keeps his hands free. DeeDrah: “You just fly in circles?… Because it’s heavy.”
    • The chair comes down and dents its own seat. Andy: “can’t use this chair again… I’m not gonna judge if you want to use it with a little bump in the butt.”
    • The GM then remembers the disadvantage from Slasher. The hit is undone and rerolled.
  6. 1:32:52 — The taint.
    • Andy’s second swing is a natural 1. He takes max damage plus a roll on himself and gains a fatigue.
    • He over-swings as she ducks and lets go; the chair unfolds, bounces off the ground, and goes “straight for the taint.” Everyone cringes.
    • “Weep not for me, Acolytes, for this is not the first time the gazpacho wins” (sic).
  7. 1:34:13 — Finger guns.
    • To save face he casts finger guns with his bonus action and does his little gazpacho man dance. The GM rules he shoots immediately: “I’m impatient… I don’t care what the rules say.” Asked about it, Andy: “I’m a spell. I’m a barbarian… Wouldn’t you like to know?”
    • It hits. The GM: “Listen, anybody can quote Danny DeVito.”
  8. 1:36:36 — Hellish rebuke.
    • DeeDrah answers “your stupid fingers” with Hellish Rebuke. Andy fails the Dex save: “I’m going to let this one go because I don’t know where the line is” (meaning he won’t try to swallow it).
    • It would be a huge hit, but Andy: “It is just as well that I’m a gazpacho chef, so I am resistant to fire… In my rage, I’m known in some of the clubs around LA as what they call a bear, so I get the bonus rage abilities of the bear.” He takes about half.
    • Andy: “It was a good story, and I don’t regret the joke.” The GM thought the cold soup would protect him. Andy: “It’s only cold in temperature.” GM: “But flavor is on fire… I’m drinking the soup. I’m buying into this.”
  9. 1:39:12 — Short sword strikes.
    • DeeDrah stabs twice with the short sword, “strike up and then strike back down.” Andy: “It’s not the size of your sword that matters, Deidra.”
    • On the second, Andy: “Look, kid, I appreciate your gumption. But you ain’t doing it this time either. I’m a-cuttin’ words ya.” He rolls a 1 on Cutting Words and it fails.
    • Andy: “Only my utensils were as hot as my gazpacho.”
  10. 1:40:43 — Chinchilla Crew.
    • The GM notes for flavor that the chinchilla rode on the end of DeeDrah’s blade the whole time. She held it perfectly still, and every time the sword hit, the chinchilla took a bite.
    • A whisper in her ear: “Chinchilla Crew.” DeeDrah repeats it. The GM: “We need shirts with that.”
    • Andy: “You need to get the name right, bitch.”
    • Arbiter: “anytime a chinkilla stabs somebody, I’m going to like it… the blood is the main selling point. Theme song was… icing on the cake.”

Round 6

  1. 1:42:04 — The maul. Andy forgot to add an item; it’s heard first as “a mole.” The Arbiter: “If you want a mole, you can have a mole, guy.” It’s a maul, kept in “a random pocket inside my vest. Don’t even need the biceps for this one.”
    • It lacks his weapon mastery, so he goes back to the dented, sweaty steel chair.
    • The GM: “he wants a mall then a mall then a grandmaster.”
    • “I’m a crank back on this chair. Oh no, that sounded wrong… Crank that Superman.”
    • It hits for huge damage. The Arbiter: “Deidre looking fucked up.” Andy: “Gazpacho madness running all over you.”
  2. 1:45:25 He pushes her back 10 ft again with his bonus action and charges, but misses. Andy: “It’s a weird shape now. I’m not compensating.” DeeDrah: “Maybe you should just sit in chairs from now on instead of swing them.” His adrenaline fades and he tires himself out.
  3. 1:47:31 — DeeDrah sacrifices the chinchilla.
    • She goes to the box, touches the chinchilla on the head: “You think you could take one for the team this time? Because I don’t really got any shit on me right now to put in this box.” She lets it pop into the box: “this is my best friend.”
    • Gerald: “You don’t know you’re doing me a great favor because I needed one more to finish my boots.” “Hi, buddy.”
    • Andy: “It’s on your conscience.” Gerald: “I hope you’re proud of yourself.”
  4. 1:48:22 — Gerald struggles. The box needs several rolls. Gerald pauses for “a moment,” and the GM jokes: “That’s because he’s learning how to read and he struggles.” DeeDrah: “You’ve broken the Arbiter.”
  5. 1:49:44 — The Dragon Slayer.
    • “Here take this piece of junk I’ve had laying around for a while.” He floats her a sword, a Dragon Slayer: a bonus to attack and damage, plus heavy extra damage against Andy, who counts as a dragon for this instance.
    • The GM corrects the title: “It’s a bear slayer.” Andy: “It’s a bear trap.”
    • DeeDrah: “This is exactly what I wanted. How did you know?” Gerald: “it’s what I would have wanted.”
    • She makes it her pact blade: a dragon slayer scimitar.
  6. 1:51:07 — The weight of her conscience.
    • Her first swing misses: “oh, this is really fucking heavy.” She picks it up again (“I got it this time”) and misses again.
    • GM: “That’s because you got rid of your lucky chinkilla… I guess that’s karma.” Andy: “I bet the sword’s not that heavy, but the weight of your conscience is on it.”
    • DeeDrah: “when you kill me, I hope you can never get up again because of the weight of your conscience.”
    • Andy: “When I kill you, I’m gonna take on Mean Gene, rise to the top of the gazpacho rankings as the Gazpacho King, and I’mma take back My Miss Elizabeth, I’mma make her Queen Elizabeth, oh yeah!”
    • DeeDrah: “And your soup is gonna taste like guilt.”
  7. 1:52:53 DeeDrah spends her heroic surge for a third attack with advantage. The bear slayer hits for a big chunk.

Round 7 — the end

  1. 1:54:30 “If you’re gonna be a king, I need you to end this.”
    • Andy is at heavy fatigue but still lands an unarmed strike: “Throwing magic and hitting things when we’re tired.” DeeDrah is “very close to death.”
    • He grapples her again (“McGripple”), and she fails to resist.
  2. 1:56:48 — The ladle. He takes his soup ladle for a big uppercut swing: “because the cream of the tomato soup rise to the top. Just like my ladle.”
    • The GM: “Have you made soup before?” Andy: “Not cream of tomato soup. Too hot. Don’t want no hot soup.”
    • The swing misses.
  3. 1:57:37 — The stands erupt. The Acolytes are ravenous: ripping clothes, pouring slushies over themselves, trampling each other to death and stabbing each other with broken bottles. They trigger a fifth chaos event.

Chaos event 5 — rock, paper, scissors (1:58:14)

  1. The Arbiter rolls 19. The GM: “the most deadliest game in the world and it is rock, paper, scissors.” It’s the mega chaotic event: whoever wins lives, whoever loses dies.
    • The Arbiter says it with her: “Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.” Someone is slow.
    • DeeDrah throws paper, Andy throws scissors. DeeDrah loses. The GM: “May it taste as good as your gazpacho soup!”
  2. 1:59:40 — The kill.
    • Andy: “Look kid, you put up a good fight… in different circumstances, I’m sure I’d take you under my wing… make you into the next intercontinental champion, maybe even we’d become tag team champions. But my Miss Elizabeth is waiting for me.”
    • He puts the handle of his ladle into her eye and drives straight down to the ground.
  3. 2:00:53 — The unending bowl. The Grandmaster pours her bowl of gazpacho soup over DeeDrah’s body: “May you be remembered well and swim in the bowl that never ends.” The soup keeps pouring, “an unending fountain.” Andy: “Just like a toilet.”
  4. 2:01:18 — The victor. Her own wings vast, colorful and glittering in the moonlight, the GM invites Andy “to the stage in the sky” as winner.
    • Andy: “So long to get back at old Mean Gene, my best friend who stabbed me in the back, literally, and killed me over the gazpacho pot. I will go back… make my Miss Elizabeth Queen Elizabeth because she’s going to be married to the Gazpacho King!”
    • She raises his hand, and the Acolytes cheer “for your king… for your soup.”
    • “This night, you have witnessed glory. You have witnessed good soup… Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch.”
    • The Arbiter’s bet on Andy paid off; the GM’s bet on DeeDrah lost.

Dried Blood (after-show)

In-character and lore drops (canon, Dried Blood):

  • 2:06:22 Andy to DeeDrah: “You can call me Andrew because you’re not a person anymore.”
  • 2:07:37 The Arbiter: the chinchillas are unionized and “they’re going to fucking give a shit for the rest of the season” after the sacrifice.
  • 2:07:48 DeeDrah insists the chinchilla volunteered: “I said, take one for the team, homie.” The GM confirms “a volunteer jump.”
  • 2:08:08 The Arbiter: “And now Gerald has his chinchilla boots finished.”
  • 2:08:11 The GM: “chinchillas in the Void are actually immune to magic… also you can throw them.”
  • 2:10:21 Drew asks “for the later of the canon” what Gerald’s fingers taste like. Jay: “like licorice” (black licorice). Logged as a canon detail.
  • 2:09:43 Andy will tell Miss Elizabeth “I did everything I needed to give back to her,” with details only in “mind bleeding death.”
  • 2:06:43 The GM offers to note DeeDrah’s alternate name Kurumi (Jay’s nickname for her) “in your notes of your character… My eulogy.”
  • 2:06:50 The GM asks if DeeDrah has any “Nixie kin” (likely “next of kin”). DeeDrah: notify “the Sanrio company… She’s a loner. She likes to be on her own.”

Out-of-character (creator notes):

  • 2:03:39 Asked to name gazpacho ingredients without Googling, Jay says tomato, “spice, like from Dune,” cinnamon “cinnamon challenge style” floating on top, and red peppers. He built the character on Randy Savage knowledge: “It just had to rhyme.”
  • 2:06:02 DeeDrah’s inspirations: “a little bit [Kuromi] from Hello Kitty and a little bit Rumi from K-Pop Demon Hunters.”
  • 2:08:43 Bettie on surviving two rounds on very little HP; the GM awards a “survivor badge” in spirit and praises the hellish rebuke, which she held until needed.
  • 2:09:19 Drew: “our new fatigue and adrenaline mechanic.” Andy swung from +4 to −4 during the fight.
  • Sign-offs: Bettie at MrsBettierage (“fight until the very last moment and then make the best fucking plan”); Jay at whoisjayfoster (“thank you so much to all of the gazpacho men… and fuck you to everyone that didn’t”).

Who and what appears

Characters

Andy Gammage, “Gazpacho Man” (Jay Foster). Also answers to Andrew and Andy.

  • Who he is:
    • Intercontinental Cold Soups Champion.
    • Has been dead for 20 years, killed by Mean Gene, his best friend, who literally stabbed him in the back over the gazpacho pot. He fights to win back his full mortality, take on Mean Gene for the world title and become the Gazpacho King.
    • Wants to make his Miss Elizabeth “Queen Elizabeth.”
  • Body and habits:
    • Missing toes from “a cold soup accident.” Sensitive about it.
    • Has skin pockets in his biceps, elbow crease and vest.
    • Hasn’t showered in “probably 30 years”; calls the stink his “heavenly aura.”
    • Trains and makes soup in “the danger room.” Hates hot soup. Catchphrase “Oh yeah.”
  • Powers:
    • Rage (red face, steam from the ears). Known “in some of the clubs around LA” as a bear, so he resists fire while raging.
    • Cutting Words “from my bard side.” Swallow Magic (ate an Eldritch Blast in two gulps; called a first in the arena).
    • A heavenly aura with big golden wings. Finger guns.
  • Weapons and gear: steel chair (now dented), barbed-wire two-by-four, maul, soup ladle.
  • This episode:
    • Sacrificed his Intercontinental Championship belt to the Box of Chaos for the sleeveless denim jean jacket (+3 AC).
    • Swallowed Gerald’s fingers. Hit himself in the taint with his own chair.
    • The Arbiter likes him (“You can stay”).
    • Won.

DeeDrah (MrsBettierage). Goes by one name, “Just like Cher.” Called “Kurumi” by Jay.

  • Fighting style and powers:
    • Short sword and sickle. Pact of the Blade warlock: Eldritch Blast, hex, shadow armor, Hellish Rebuke.
    • Slasher feat. Resistant to radiant damage. Celestial Revelation wings.
  • This episode:
    • “Nobody touches my hair.” Her hair was wrecked by the barbed-wire noogie.
    • Expert on the mechanical bull, whom she named Edward.
    • Bonded with the chinchilla (“Chinchilla Crew”), then sacrificed it to the Box of Chaos for the Dragon Slayer (“bear slayer”), made into her pact scimitar.
    • Killed by a ladle through the eye after losing rock-paper-scissors.
    • A loner. The GM bet on her.

The Arbiter (Drew).

  • Now “upper management.” Delegated finding champions to Thea, and gives Thea her performance reviews.
  • Claims “We’re partners now” and “I kind of saved your life.” He hasn’t taught Thea to write.
  • Traveled to the arena by flaring his white glowing wings in ripples of time and space.
  • Bet on Andy.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec).

  • Opens the “season of Vigilance”: danger approaches the Void.
  • “There’s the Grandmaster and then the Arbiter.”
  • “Eons of ages old,” never had gazpacho; may have her first cup if Andy wins.
  • Hosts “The Price is Kinda Right” (in the break; not logged). Has vast, colorful wings.
  • Poured an unending bowl of gazpacho over DeeDrah’s body.

Thea (Bec). A tiny pink imp.

  • Was supposed to find the champions; was off on “a craft… project.” Can’t write.
  • Heckled Andy from among the insulting children.
  • Gave a spoken report of counting stairs and finding the bathroom through U-I-O-I doors.
  • Made her own unapproved “Thea Teaches” commercial; refused to explain it, hopping up the steps farting.

Gerald / the Box of Chaos (Drew).

  • A yellow and purple box. Its lid beams heatless magical fire hundreds of feet up, and a shadowy figure with black tendrilly fingers comes out.
  • His fingers taste like black licorice (Dried Blood).
  • Kept the championship belt. Used the chinchilla to finish his chinchilla boots.
  • Asked “Where’s HR?” Gave away the Dragon Slayer as “junk.”

The chinchilla.

  • A tiny, icy “Chin Killer” chinchilla. It bonded to DeeDrah, rode her blade biting on each hit (“Chinchilla Crew”), and volunteered into the Box of Chaos.
  • Chinchillas in the Void are immune to magic and throwable; they are unionized (Dried Blood).

Stuart / Stewart. The arena’s IT, who “gets everything wrong.”

Mean Gene. Andy’s former best friend and killer; world-title holder (inferred from “take on Mean Gene for that world title”).

Miss Elizabeth. Andy’s beloved, waiting for him.

Named Acolytes / people: Grandma Naomi, Linda, Edna, Anna Vortaria; “Great to Be a Gator” (threw Andy a slushie); the insulting children.

Places

  • The Dread Fortress. Its empty halls; stairs and a bathroom per Thea.
  • “The castle”: a dreary dread castle rampart under a giant full moon, blood-soaked, with bodies and weapons strewn about. Chosen so Thea couldn’t reach it.
  • The western bar conjured by the chaos event: sticky floor, mechanical bulls.
  • Andy’s soup “danger room.”
  • “Clubs around LA” (real-world joke).

Items

Lore statements

  • Season 7 is the “season of Vigilance”: things are changing in the Void and danger is approaching. The fights unite the community “so that we remember who we are.”
  • The Arbiter is now “upper management,” with Thea as his delegate.
  • Chinchillas of the Void: immune to magic, throwable, unionized (Dried Blood).
  • The mega chaotic event: rock-paper-scissors decides life and death.

Quotes by character

Andy Gammage

  • 0:06:44 “Andy Gammage! Gazpacho Man! Intercontinental Cold Soups Champion, yeah. I’m here to win back my full mortality so I can take on Mean Gene for that world title.”
  • 0:17:40 “It’s no gazpacho, but it’ll do.”
  • 0:27:19 “I am sensitive about the number of toes I have. It’s not my fault. It was a cold soup accident.”
  • 0:32:28 “Well, I’ve been dead for 20 years, so probably 30 years.”
  • 0:36:39 “I see the turntables have turntabled. It is now in my face.”
  • 0:37:28 “You think that’s the worst thing I’ve snorted?”
  • 0:50:47 “Don’t you fuck with hugs. That’s all I’m trying to do.”
  • 0:54:58 “Look kid, I really like you, but I gotta get to the gazpacho king status. I’ll see you at the bottom.”
  • 1:15:17 “He used to be bad, then he gave birth to himself, now he’s good, oh yeah. Just like the gazpacho man.”
  • 1:29:22 “Gotta abolish that sleevery.”
  • 1:52:05 “I bet the sword’s not that heavy, but the weight of your conscience is on it.”
  • 2:01:45 “Mean Gene, my best friend who stabbed me in the back, literally, and killed me over the gazpacho pot… she’s going to be married to the Gaspacho King! Oh yeah!”

DeeDrah

  • 0:05:53 “Grandmaster. I am Deidra. I am here to fight for you.”
  • 0:20:52 “So slow that shit down.”
  • 0:34:48 “Nobody touches my hair.”
  • 0:42:18 “I am free from your grip, and you still had to eat magic.”
  • 0:45:10 “Yee-haw, motherfuckers!”
  • 0:49:01 “I’m a slippery little fucker.”
  • 0:55:30 “Come and get me, fucker!”
  • 0:55:53 “Everyone has wings!”
  • 1:41:15 “Chinchilla Crew.”
  • 1:46:43 “Maybe you should just sit in chairs from now on instead of swing them.”
  • 1:47:31 “You think you could take one for the team this time?… this is my best friend.”
  • 1:52:43 “And your soup is gonna taste like guilt.”

The Arbiter

  • 0:01:12 “I’m going to need you to talk for a while because Stuart is screwing up in the background again.”
  • 0:04:06 “I am now upper management, as you know, and I have delegated that to Thea.”
  • 0:22:58 “I really like a man who’s, you know, confident enough to give himself several nicknames.”
  • 0:26:08 “I haven’t taught her to write.”
  • 0:32:12 “This whole time he’s had skin pockets.”
  • 1:11:53 “We’re a team now. We’re partners now.”
  • 1:12:08 “I mean, I kind of saved your life.”
  • 1:13:47 “I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to say to me, but I like it. You can stay.”
  • 1:41:35 “Anytime a chinkilla stabs somebody, I’m going to like it.”

Gerald (the Box of Chaos)

  • 1:24:36 “Get the fuck off my fingers, guy. What the fuck are you doing?”
  • 1:24:50 “I didn’t sign up for this… Where’s HR?” (speaker uncertain; diarized to 04)
  • 1:24:59 “Just keep your mouth where I can see it.”
  • 1:26:26 “I got a lot of shit, but not a championship belt. This is fucking sweet.”
  • 1:47:59 “You don’t know you’re doing me a great favor because I needed one more to finish my boots.”
  • 1:48:18 “I hope you’re proud of yourself.”
  • 1:49:44 “Here take this piece of junk I’ve had laying around for a while.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

  • 0:01:17 “Things are changing in the Void and danger is edging along.”
  • 0:01:42 “So that way we may be united as a community, that we remember who we are. These fights aren’t just for show.”
  • 0:15:51 “This may be cold soup, but things are getting hot. That was a good line. One point for the Grandmaster.”
  • 0:27:58 “Because I am, as it turns out.” (on being blind)
  • 0:44:27 “Roll to yee-haw, motherfuckers.”
  • 0:59:13 “Chaos is good and chaos is bad.”
  • 1:12:02 “I am the Grandmaster. There’s no Grandmaster and Arbiter. There’s the Grandmaster and then the Arbiter.”
  • 1:13:00 “I am eons of ages old, and I have never had it.”
  • 1:50:29 “It’s a bear slayer.”
  • 1:58:28 “There is the most deadliest game in the world and it is rock, paper, scissors.”
  • 2:00:53 “May you be remembered well and swim in the bowl that never ends.”
  • 2:02:19 “This night, you have witnessed glory. You have witnessed good soup.”

Thea

  • 0:25:50 “I was hanging out in a couple of places. Do I have to give a report? Is that required?”
  • 0:26:12 “I went down the hallway and I counted 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 9, 12, 14, 82 stairs, I think.” (diarized to 05; probably Bec)

Canon notes

  • Season 7 is the Season of Vigilance; it hints at Fil.
  • The “blind” line is a gag.
  • “I kind of saved your life”: the Arbiter died stepping in front of the Shadow King’s attack on Doug, then came back.
  • Ad-break segments (Thea Teaches, The Price is Kinda Right, etc.) are canon. Claude is the Dread Fortress janitor; Thea thinks he’s an evil wizard.
  • DeeDrah’s dying words: on the creators’s manual-check list.

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