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S3E3 — Couples Therapy — Chade v Kairen

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tagsepisode, season-3

41 min read

Champions and playersJoel (“Joel Runaway Robot”, handle unconfirmed) as Chade (Chaedillion) Chadian; Stella (handle unconfirmed) as Kairen/Kairen Alexis Rose Chadian. The YouTube cast list (sensei_suplex as Capt Fable, Ascension_Matt as Verryn Ruth) is flagged as a copy-paste from #51; the transcript decides.
Resultnone declared. The match is called off and the couple are sent to the Dread Fortress’s actual Smash Room.
Arenaa ruined lava room in the Dread Fortress (the “smash room”), with a crumbling brick path and 10-ft statues
HostsCaustic Phoenix (Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer); Mudcat narrates and plays the Arbiter and Gerald
WatchYouTube

What happens

Opening — the kitchen renovation

  1. 0:00:17 Drew opens with “home of unnecessarily loud things.” Goblins scurry through the halls of the Dread Fortress carrying two-by-fours, drywall and hammers “that goblins probably shouldn’t be allowed to have.” They are heading down to the kitchen of the Dread Fortress, “a place we’ve seen a person die once or twice.” The Arbiter walks down with chains dragging and clanking behind him. He peeks in: “Grandmaster, what is going on?”
  2. 0:00:59 The GM says there was an email memo: “Obviously, we’re doing kitchen renovations right now.” She redirects the goblins, who are demolishing what is clearly a load-bearing wall. The ceiling begins to crumple and crack.
  3. 0:01:20 — Doug summons. She whistles, and Doug the Pug pops out of the pool of water in the middle of the kitchen, soaked, and shakes himself off. She kneels and asks him to search the worlds for “true champions… somebody who really needs to get the fight out of their system.” She adds: “if you find a pairing good enough perhaps you could actually replace the arbiter.” Doug spins in a circle as if chasing his tail. Just as he catches it, a small portal opens and two champions pop out.
  4. 0:02:25 GM: “That actually worked.” Arbiter: “Doug summoned the champions?” GM: “Yes, yes. Shut up. Just shut up.” She asks, “Are you ready to bear arms? Not bear arms, but like fighting arms.”

The couple

  1. 0:02:57 Chade: “Honey, when I said we should go to therapy, this is not exactly what I had in mind.” Kairen was promised potpourri and lavender, but the room is “a little too red for my whole psyche.” The GM offers to light “some spaghetti scents.”
  2. 0:03:36 Chade is a very large half-orc man in full armor with an enormous greatsword, all under a pink apron. He hasn’t worn the gear in a long time and is surprised it still fits (“all of running around after the kids”). He asks if Kairen brought them here. She didn’t: “I’m good at what I do, but I’m not this good.”
  3. 0:04:30 Kairen eyes his butt: “it’s working a little bit though.” Chade: “Chainmail fits really nicely.” She slaps his butt. GM: “Save the slapping for the fighting.”
  4. 0:05:07 The GM: “This is the non-authorized form of there. Okay, it’s not therapy, but it is an opportunity to work out your problems. Welcome to the Dread Fortress.” The kitchen sink is still pouring into the pond, which is spreading, and their socks get wet. Chade asks if she hired a licensed electrician. Back at the hut they did DIY, hired out instead of using a licensed electrician, and he shocked himself “once or twice.”
  5. 0:05:54 Arbiter: “Doug chose these champions, they’re obviously not up to a deathmatch.” The GM digs for grievances: the toilet paper on the wrong way, the TV left on, the hallway lights.

The grievances

  1. 0:06:26 — Kairen: he’s a fantastic stay-at-home husband, but she wishes he’d pick up a job and “make a little bit of gold,” since she brings in most of it. “Not that I mind, because he is definitely arm candy.”
  2. 0:06:49 — Chade: “We have seven children.” Some are starting to show magical abilities. He asked her to do one thing, go to the mushroom market for asparagus, and she forgot after carousing with her friends. She goes missing on adventures for weeks at a time.
  3. 0:07:33 — Kairen: she forgot asparagus once. And who paid for his 3,000-gold-coin cooking knives, which “cut through mushrooms nicer” for his tofu dish? Chade: she had “just raid[ed] a dragon’s horde” so he thought they could splurge. He reaches for the greatsword: “back when we adventured together, there was really only one way to settle things.”
  4. 0:08:54 — The smash room. Kairen suggests it might be “one of those smash rooms.” The GM has to ask them to “define smash.” Once she understands, she says they have one. Arbiter: “Objections rescinded. I think they’re going to kill each other.” The GM plays devil on their shoulders: “you have needs and they are not listening to you. Make them listen.”

The arena

  1. 0:10:30 Chade asks if they go “through the stairs or down the mouth.” The Arbiter claps and the sound waves rip open a portal. A wave of heat frizzes their hair (“My mustache!”). Beyond it is a ruined room full of lava. “You can smash shit in here, that’s fine.”
  2. 0:10:55 The GM describes it: a well-laid brick path whose edges crumble down 15 feet into lava, bubbles popping, and heat “slowly suffocating your lungs.” “If anyone farts, it’s going to be absolutely terrible in here.” Statues tower 10 feet high along the path. “Remember, lava hot, don’t touch.” It’s not automatic death, “depending on how flammable you are… Is your spouse flammable?” Kairen used extra hairspray today. She warns the GM about Chade’s farts.
  3. 0:12:48 Kairen points to a statue that “would fit in front of our little hut really nicely.” The GM gets defensive: “Even if you break it, it’s still mine. Please don’t take my stuff home.” Chade: “She’s got some roguish tendencies.”
  4. 0:13:15 — The misunderstanding. The GM clarifies that “smash” means each other, and Chade asks whether they’re making baby number eight. He points at the audience. Chade asks the Acolytes, “Would you like to see us smash one another?” He gets awkward “uhs and ums and one enthusiastic yes from the guy in the back.” Chade: “That guy knows what he’s on about.”
  5. 0:14:30 The GM flushes, feels “a little prudish, comparatively,” and pulls her wings in over her body: “stab each other, but with weapons, not with the other stabby things. I’m going to stop.” She flies up in an awkward near-retreat to her throne and drinks, pretending nothing is strange.
  6. 0:15:16 — “The manager.” Arbiter: “I’m very sorry about her… I tried to overthrow her. This wouldn’t have happened if I was in charge.” Kairen: “So you’re the manager.” “Yeah, I guess I kind of am… This is kind of my place.”
    • Kairen wants to talk decor. The Arbiter: “you see those skulls over there? Those, I put those there.”
    • Kairen: “But are they locally sourced though?… And are they ethically sourced?” Arbiter: “They’re local to here now… They’re probably free range.” Kairen: “it’s a rustic vibe.”
    • Chade objects that you can’t tell people how to run their business. Kairen: “like how you can’t tell me how to run my adventuring… sometimes it takes a while to slay a giant dragon.”
  7. 0:17:22 Is there any other therapy? “Oh no, it’s just the Deathmatch.” Chade asks whether “death” means really dead or resurrectable: “as much as some days I want to kill her, you know, not like seriously.” GM: “It’s a surprise… I like surprises.” Arbiter: “I did tell you about I tried to overthrow the Grandmaster. I did that with resurrected champions that I had brought back to life. So there’s that.”
  8. 0:18:22 — The huddle, and Margaret.
    • Chade: if he dies, she has to take care of the children. Kairen will “strap them to my chest and take them on adventures.” Chade: “One of them can’t walk.”
    • Or she’ll get a sitter, the neighbor. Chade: “You don’t even know her name. It’s Margaret, by the way. She’s wonderful… She makes great blueberry scones.” Kairen: “You’re eating some other woman’s scones?”
    • Arbiter: “Why does this happen every time? You’re really fucked up, bud.” Chade: “Why are you listening to our private conversation, Mr. Manager?” The Acolytes are “deathly silent, just staring down.”
    • Kairen’s condition: “if I die… you are keeping that wedding ring on. No Margaret, no blueberry scones with any other woman.”
  9. 0:20:19 Chade removes his pink apron, folds it neatly and puts it in the corner: “I can’t get blood on this. It’s really nice. It was a gift.” “Let’s do the damn thing.”
  10. 0:21:00 They start across a gap from each other. The Arbiter: “Normally I’d say something about a clean fight, a dirty fight. You seem to know how to fight.”

Names

  1. 0:21:31 Kairen wins initiative with 18; Chade gets 9.
    • The table mangles his name: “Sade… Shaday!” “That’s not my name!” “I just thought you were French.” It’s short for Chaedillion.
    • The GM’s partner test: each other’s middle names. Chade: “Her name is Kairen Alexis Rose Chadian because my name is Chade Chadian and she was kind enough to take my last name.” Two middle names. Chade: “She’s got all the horns like a rose does too.” Arbiter: “You are just digging a fucking hole.”
    • Asked Chade’s middle name, Kairen: “I don’t know. Maybe he should ask Margaret.” Chade: “I gotta feed our seven children tonight.” Kairen: “With the money that I bring in.”

Round 1

  1. 0:23:41 Kairen searches the ground for a rock (investigation 4) and finds “a nice light rock.” She throws it, and it hits. “It’s a rock… maybe about the size of your brain sometimes.” She warms it in her hands, tosses her hair, widens her stance: “hope you’re ready, honey.” It slams into his “very square-jawed, mustachioed, handsome half-orc” jaw. He spits blood: “Throwing stones from your glass house over there? Come on, get over here!” “Why don’t you make me?”
  2. 0:26:08 Kairen sits “her happy ass down” and keeps sifting. She finds five dusty rocks. “This one almost looks like our pet bunny that we had before you cooked him.” Chade: “They’re livestock… I don’t even eat meat. It was for you.”
  3. 0:27:06 Chade dashes around the gap (“There’s lava down there. I’m not that stupid”). Kairen: “Now he thinks.” He casts searing smite, and his greatsword bursts into flames. It lights the area and wards off some of the heat. Kairen: “Oh, thank you, honey. My hair was starting to frizz up… You’re so considerate.” Chade: “Get off the ground and fight me… I still got it.” Kairen: “Yes, but you could last a little longer than your dash action did.” Chade: “I’m getting older, all right?”
  4. 0:28:29 Chade’s intimidation (21) loses to Kairen’s put-down. “She totally cuts you to the bone.” Kairen: “small is objective in everyone’s eyes.” GM: “These may be large to you, but they’re small to me.” GM: “The battle is heating up despite no blood being spilled.” Chade: “I’m bleeding from it.” Arbiter: “I think she meant nobody important’s blood being spilled.” Chade: “Why is everyone ganging up on old Chade?”
  5. 0:29:47 — Reviews. Kairen: “I like the manager here. I shall definitely be coming back.” Arbiter: “If you could just write that on Yelp… The last few people that we killed here really didn’t leave great reviews.” GM: they’re trying to make TripAdvisor’s top 10. Kairen suggests advertising cooking over lava as “a natural open faced furnace.” Arbiter: “lava rocks… hot stone massage.”
  6. 0:30:46 — Chade’s outburst: “So you know how it feels when I get myself all prettied up, shaved everywhere, only for it to be a few seconds of pleasure for you.” There is a short jump in the transcript here (0:30:46→0:31:14). He has been taking “lessons.” At a lady’s party, toys were sold and he was told to buy one for his wife.
  7. 0:31:29 Kairen: “Is that why there was an additional 3,000 gold coins missing from our mutual bank account?” Chade first says it was the children’s tuition for “that private adventuring school,” then “a couple of hundred gold pieces.” He was going to give it to her as an anniversary present next month, “but I suppose if one of us is dead, I’ll just let you know where it is.” The GM rules he can be carrying one of the toys.

Round 2

  1. 0:32:37 Kairen tries to sleight-of-hand the toy out of his pocket. Chade’s perception roll is a nat 20 and he catches her: “Maybe I’ll show it to you if you’re nice. Now get up off the ground and fight me!” “Ugh, fine!” “Such a drama queen.”
  2. 0:33:29 “Go. Stab me.” “I want to slap him.” Her unarmed strike is a nat 1. She’s “a little anemic,” gets woozy, slips on one of her beloved rocks and falls face first into her husband’s chest. Chade: “Your iron is deficient. That’s what the doctor said… eating the spinach.”
    • Kairen: “Have you been working out?” She feels his pecs. He’s been going to the gym “with the boys” and taking spin classes.
    • “They kind of remind me of an apple”. She bites one. “Honey, are we doing this thing or not?”
  3. 0:35:14 Chade: “It would be really great if you took it somewhat seriously.” Kairen twirls her hair: “You said you’re… very hard.” Chade: “I would like to hit her with my greatsword, please.” Kairen: “I bet. Which one?… Make sure to bring your sheath for protection.”
  4. 0:36:31 — The first real blow. “We have seven children, honey. One of them has lice, and I just asked you to go get asparagus… Yes, you bring home 1,000 gold pieces from your recent adventure, but come on.” Kairen: “You know that asparagus makes our pee smell weird.” His flaming greatsword hits (22), with searing smite plus a stacked first-level smite. Kairen catches fire.
    • Chade: “Well, honey, you’re looking a little extra hot today.” Kairen: “I spent so much on this outfit, and you are ruining it!”
    • Kairen: “Is this your play to get naked? Because I won’t change in front of you anymore.” Chade: “Do you know the last time I saw you in the nude?… It was a December 15th at 2.32 PM.”
    • Kairen: it’s cold in winter, and “those delicious cinnamon rolls that you make for us have been making me get a little bit chubby!” Chade: “Then come to the gym with me, honey! I ask you! Every day!”
  5. 0:39:34 Kairen fails the save to put out the fire. Her hair starts to singe. “Did you smell this? This is your fault.” Chade: “Yes! Now take me seriously!”

Doug and the chinchillas (0:40:36)

  1. The Arbiter rolls 18, then 5 on the end-of-round rolls (“I didn’t get any credit for the 18”). Doug, still wet from his pool bath, hops up with his squeaky toy, throws it down and rolls a nat 20. “Doug the dog with a nat 20.”
  2. 0:41:03 Chade: “Is he a zombie dog?” Arbiter: “He doesn’t like that term… It’s undead.” Chade: “He looks like one of our old cats that one of the children was practicing some necromantic magic on.” Doug gets huffy and defensive about his looks and hops back to the GM. Kairen: “You set me on fire. You’re going to make me bald. And now you scared away the fluffy.” GM: “He must be more of a cat person.” Kairen: “He’s more of a Margaret person.”
  3. 0:41:44 “The Acolytes are demanding chaos.” Chade rolls a d20 ×2 and gets a nat 1. The GM asks Kairen with a look, “does he always roll this bad?” Kairen: “He’s fantastic at everything. I’m still on fire.”
  4. 0:42:45 — The chinchilla ball. A drilling sound comes down through the cavern ceiling. A giant plastic ball holding 203 chinchillas (“from earlier episodes”) drops between them. Chade: “The Chinchillas have returned.”
    • They’re cute and fluffy, but each has tiny knives strapped to its back, ready “in case this thing ever opens up like a kinder.”
    • Arbiter: “there’s one lead chinchilla in the back smoking a cigarette. That’s right, get him, boys!” He rides in a chariot inside the ball.
    • “Make sure you take a break, union rules. These are unionized chinchillas.” GM: “We’re unionized here at the Dread Fortress.”
    • Chade: “Oh, that’s why the kitchen’s not done yet.” Arbiter: “eight hours of break for every eight minutes of work… The Goblin Union is real strong.” GM: “It’s a hurt of chinchillas.”
  5. 0:44:47 Both save. The ball rolls back and forth like a rolling pin and keeps missing, because 203 chinchillas “have not practiced this very much.” A whistle blows and half of them go on lunch break.
  6. 0:45:20 — Mansplaining. Chade: “Honey, you have an ability called evasion.” GM: “Is he mansplaining to his wife?… for three points of damage.” Arbiter: “How does that make you feel when he tells you how to do things?” Kairen: “I thought it made me feel like he was taking care of me, but now that you mention it, it is kind of mansplaining.” She uses evasion. Chade: “do you know how many fireballs and storms you have dodged because I reminded you about your evasive traits? And yet you still put me on fire.”
  7. 0:46:31 The Acolytes award each champion one hero point.

The Box of Chaos — the trousers (0:46:54)

  1. The Arbiter stands in his chains and snaps. The Box of Chaos drops beside a broken stone statue. Pink and yellow fire spills out and shoots up in a column, with black shadow-like hands and yellow eyes poking over the top. Gerald waits. Sacrifice “literally anything” for a chance at a magic item.
  2. 0:47:36 Chade heads for the box. Kairen: “If it’s our wedding ring, I swear to God.” It isn’t. “Don’t you dare throw a dildo in there! That is my gift you got for me!” Chade: “I was told that they’re called special playtime fun things.” “Was it also advertised as a back massager?” Arbiter: “Only on Amazon.”
  3. 0:48:18 Kairen: give up the apron instead. Chade refuses. She gave him that apron when they had their first child, the first time she left home on an adventure, “Little Kaylee at home with me.” “I wear it every day.” Kairen: “Maybe you could give up your, uh, your trousers.”
  4. 0:49:06 Persuasion vs insight; she wins. Kairen: “it’s been a long time since I’ve seen just you and your underoos and… your nice apple butt… maybe it would help spice things up, especially since you put me on fire.” Chade realizes “she seems like she means it.” He’s “been feeling undesirable lately.”

Round 3

  1. 0:50:11 Kairen: “You won’t let me peg you, but if this is the closest I can get to that, here we go.” Arbiter: “you have to try everything once.” Nat 1. She gets so sweaty thinking about “that sweet, sweet ass” that her rapier slips from her hand and ends up dangling at the edge. Chade: “I see where you’re trying to put that. No, no. I still can’t… But I love that sweet, sweet ass.”
  2. 0:51:10 “Honey, could you grab that for me?” Chade is halfway out of his trousers, hopping on one foot. GM: “You’re really gonna give her back her weapon?” Chade: “She’s my wife, of course I am.” Kairen ignores the rapier and helps him get his pants off.
  3. 0:52:31 — The underoos. “Banana hammock-y in nature”: a thong split at the back, his bright green apple-like ass cheeks showing, and a very large smiling goblin face printed on the front. He strikes “the Instagram girl pose.” Ruling: −1 AC, but advantage on performance and persuasion “since she seems enthralled by it.” Kairen: “you may have a lower AC, but you can definitely hit it.” GM: “I feel like we’re preparing for Valentine’s Day already.”
  4. 0:54:11 Chade bundles his pants and runs to the box. Kairen takes an opportunity unarmed slap at his butt and misses (13), “even with my lowered AC.”
  5. 0:54:54 — Gerald. Gerald creeps out the side of the box at eye level with Chade’s junk. Chade: “What’s up, buddy? Do you mind bending down?” GM: “Speaking to the wrong head there.” Chade starts doing lunges in front of Gerald. Gerald, as best the garbled lines (0:55:24–0:55:51) show: “What the fuck is that? Why is she yelling?” “It’s my wife.” Chade: “I’m way out of my weight class… Punching way up here.” Gerald: “Why are your pants off?”
  6. 0:55:57 — The massager. Chade pulls out the anniversary gift: “rather large, mostly cylindrical, definitely purple, and somewhat tentacle-like,” about two feet long. GM: “It’s bigger than my screen right now.” Activation: “abracadabra alakazam, I need you to tickle these yams,” and it vibrates and twirls. GM: “Or are you inviting him to tickle your yams?” Gerald: “Because that would kind of go well with my collection, but it’s fine. Give me the pants.”
  7. 0:56:58 Gerald takes the sweaty pants and shuts the lid. The box rumbles, and the d100 comes up 92. “Some people like to sit on top of that box.”
  8. 0:57:38 A giant column of heatless fire shoots up. Gerald: “Sorry, I have to make an entrance. It’s kind of part of my job.” Chade: “You look great, by the way.”
    • A speaker-uncertain exchange (Gerald or Chade): “Thank you. I’ve been working out a little bit.” “Have I seen you in Cassandra’s spin class?”
    • Kairen: “WHO THE FUCK’S CASSANDRA?!” Chade: “SHE’S MY SPIN INSTRUCTOR AND SHE’S FANTASTIC! YOU LIKE THIS ASS? THANK HER!”
  9. 0:58:09 Gerald: “I don’t want to get in the middle of anything, but you guys seem kind of kinky, so here.” He throws out a red velvety rope of climbing: “Use it for whatever.”
  10. 0:58:40 Chade: “Hey, honey! Imma climb you like a tree.” Kairen asks if it’s the one they lost on their honeymoon.
    • That was a purple one: “that’s what we used when we conceived Kaylie.”
    • They lost it when they “had to tie up those giants the day after and had to leave it behind.” Chade: “I like the red, though.”
  11. 0:59:07 The GM blushes: “I need to go cool off a little bit.” She calls the 10-minute break, which is cut.

After the break — the Arbiter’s potato sack

  1. 0:59:38 The Arbiter’s chaos roll is a “measly six,” so the GM keeps Doug’s nat 20. Kairen: “honey, they’re starting to sound a little like us.” Chade: “Mr. Arbiter, it happens to everyone.” Kairen: “Just take off your pants.” Arbiter: “I’m not wearing any pants.”
  2. 1:00:06 He has “a Marilyn Monroe moment” as hot air bursts up. The Arbiter is wearing a potato-sack-like linen cloth, with his arms and legs shackled and chained, “looking pretty rough around the edges.”
  3. 1:00:25 Kairen rolls perception (22) to see up it. “With a 22, I’m gonna regret this in the canon later… You can’t see it.” GM: “maybe tucked it away.”
  4. 1:01:20 Kairen: “Grandmaster, I see why you might need some therapy. He’s an employee.” Arbiter: “We’re just friends.” Kairen: “It’s a situationship, huh? I’ve had plenty of those.” Chade: “What do you mean plenty?” Kairen: “Before you!… I’m not talking to you right now.”
  5. 1:01:45 Chade raises the tentacle massager to the Arbiter: “I can get you in contact with the lady that does the parties.” Arbiter: “Shouldn’t you be killing each other?” GM: “The Mayor Timmy of that one asteroid we landed on was much bigger.”

Round 4

  1. 1:02:19 Kairen fails her save against the fire again. Chade’s player reveals she could have used an action to put it out all along. GM: “I feel like you held off on telling her this.” “I didn’t read the spell.” Kairen: “I told you about evasion. You didn’t read my spell for me.” She pats herself out.
  2. 1:03:49 She stomps up and grabs his ass, a strength-vs-strength grapple. “You flex those cheeks and you are free from the grapple.” Chade: “Release me, woman!” Kairen: “Now, that’s the ass of the whole underworld.”
  3. 1:04:48 Chade: “No more setting you on fire. But I’m going to lay about with this big sword here.” “the old 1-2 multi-attack… Hit it from both ends.” Kairen: “I thought you were comfortable with that.” He misses (14). “I’m a bit out of practice.” Arbiter: “One in three men have performance anxiety.” Chade: “I don’t want to hear it from you. I just got out of the pool, guy.” Arbiter: “At least I can use mine.” Kairen: “We don’t know that.”
  4. 1:06:02 — Tied up. Chade uses the red velvet rope’s command words to “seductively run up my wife”: “Hocus pocus. Tie this woman up so I can focus!”
    • It makes “the harness thing” and knots itself. Kairen: “Did you make it extra tight around the boobs like I like?”
    • It works “like hold person,” and it’s eventually ruled full-body, about 20 feet of rope.
    • Chade: “So you had the chance to stab me and you didn’t do it. So I guess, do I win?” GM: “No. It’s not over.” Arbiter: “Not even close.” Chade: “She hasn’t even stabbed me one time.”
  5. 1:07:16 Kairen: “He’s a good house husband, but he’s not quite right. You’re not doing like at home teaching, right?” Chade: “we send them away to adventuring school for thousands of gold pieces and I get yelled at about it.”
  6. 1:08:02 Kairen enjoys “a little bit of pain. The fire was a bit much.” Chade apologizes for ruining the work she gets done at the hairdresser: “You look beautiful still.” Her hair has burned down to “the traditional Kairen cut. Slightly more on the back end.” Kairen: “those goblins like to grab hair when they fight.” Chade: “So do the children.”

The Arbiter enlarges (1:08:50)

  1. The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is bad again. Chade: “normally after the first time, you can go a little longer.” Another hot breeze blows the potato sack fully up, and the whole audience sees “the mini sausage that you’re rocking tonight.”
  2. 1:09:25 As a reaction, the Arbiter casts enlarge. Chade: “I mean, it does double in size. I told you it was cold.” Kairen: “So it’s two inches.” Arbiter: “Quadruple gets really girthy… It’s like a tuna can.” Chade: “Arbiter, that only lasts a minute.” “A minute’s all I’m going to need.” GM: “Oh, that sounds familiar… Enlarge is not the spell you want if you need to satisfy someone, unless it’s just yourself.”

Chaos event — the sausage worms (1:10:40)

  1. Kairen rolls two d20s and gets a 20. Kairen: “Just like the Arbiter’s.” GM: “Also small and wrinkled.” Five tiny sausage worms appear around the map: small fleshy orbs, wrinkly, each with one big bulging eye, guarding their spaces. They suck like leeches and drain health. “Not everyone enjoys this sucking motion.”
  2. 1:12:20 GM: “this is usually the chaotic event of small grandmas, but I thought we can’t bring grandmas into this match. There’d be too much shame.”

Round 5

  1. 1:12:31 Kairen, tied up, tries to kick Chade into the worms. The rope is ruled full-body (“Try kicking me now, nerd”), so she tries a headbutt at disadvantage. It fails, and she ends up leaning her head on his chest again. Chade: “Your hair will grow back.” “It looks awful.” “No, you look great.”
  2. 1:14:11 Kairen: “they kind of look like the Arbiter’s.” Chade: “Yeah. So purple.” Arbiter: “I can hear you.” Chade: “Should I just sling you over a shoulder and we call it a day?” Kairen hears “slink.” Chade: “I don’t think this is that kind of show.”
  3. 1:15:01 Kairen wiggles in the rope to entice him (performance 18 with expertise). Her clothes are burned enough that “you could see the tips of things.” Chade: “Honey, I think we need to go home.” “Grandmaster, how do we go home?” GM: “At least one more final hit, you know, give each other a good sending off.”
  4. 1:16:04 Kairen hops around and shakes her butt (performance 27). Her outfit is burned into Daisy Dukes, “and she adventures all day, so she’s got the firm ass.” Chade takes psychic damage plus five points of “blue ball damage” that will continue until the match ends. Arbiter: “Banana hammock’s getting a little tight.” Kairen: “The goblin face is getting a little bit bigger. Nose is growing. Pinocchio over there.”
  5. 1:17:50 Chade: “What happened to our love life? It took not 30 minutes of combat for you to just be all up in it again.” Kairen: “Thank you, Arbiter.” Chade: “Domestic violence is what it takes to get you in the mood.” Kairen: “No, no, rough housing.”
  6. 1:18:18 — The paddle. Chade swings the flat of the greatsword like a paddle, for half damage, with advantage against his bound wife. He adds Great Weapon Master and a third-level smite: “I’m going to max level smite that ass.” The table names it “the crit clap” (“Why does crit clap sound like an STD?”). It does 54, halved to 27, then rounded up to 28: “We like pain here.”
  7. 1:21:01 — Safe word. Chade: “You didn’t say pineapple, so I think, are we still good to go?” Kairen: “I thought it was mango.” Chade: “Okay, mango, are you good?” Kairen: “Mango, oh no, it’s great, keep them coming.” GM: “Pineapple, especially upside down, means something else.”
  8. 1:21:18 The second paddle swing is a glancing blow, “half of half,” with a second-level smite stacked on: 7. Chade: “you hopped away from that one. You got a little skittish.” Kairen: “You hit the same spot like a dozen times.” Chade: “You like the bruises. You told me.” Kairen tsks: “you’re out of practice.” The blow lands on the right cheek.

The Arbiter’s Margarets (1:22:44)

  1. The Arbiter’s roll is a 4, “enough.” “I’m fucking sick of this… Hey, all of you, shut the fuck up… I’m tired of you, and I’m tired of you.” He had been going to let them redecorate the kitchen, “but that’s out now. I’m gonna find a different contractor. I’m not okay with how this marriage is going right now.” He snaps his fingers. The statues around the map break and re-form into three statues in the likeness of Margaret, which march up behind them.
  2. 1:23:37 Chade: “Wait, how do you know what she looks like?” Arbiter: “We pulled you through a portal through all time and space. That’s your question?”
  3. 1:24:06 — The Margaret fight.
    • Kairen: “What is your relationship with Margaret again?” Chade: “These look hostile towards us.” Kairen: “Bitch, I’m hostile towards you right now.”
    • Chade: “She’s our neighbor. She bakes scones for me and the children because you’re gone for weeks on end… sometimes she watches the kids when I need to go to the store.”
    • Kairen: “Untie me right now because I’m about to unleash my fury on this bitch.” Chade speaks the release words: “Own it, moan it, release my wife this moment.”
    • Kairen: “You bruised my ass! You bring this bitch into our home!… visions of you enjoying her buttery, buttery scones.”
    • Chade: “I will heal your wounds and we will kill all the visages of Margaret. All right? Not the real one though. She’s a nice fucking lady and you just need to get your head out of the goddamn clouds on those adventures and take a moment and look at your home.”
  4. 1:25:37 Out of rage, Kairen stabs the nearest Margaret with sneak attack, since Chade is adjacent (“Well, suddenly I’m an ally”). “Hey, it’s bigger than the Arbiter.” The statue crumbles and gives Chade a dying look. Kairen: “I spit in the eyes.” The rocks burst out in radiant fire. Chade’s paladin aura gives her +2 on the save.
  5. 1:27:32 — Aftercare. Kairen demands that Chade rub her ass: “Aftercare is important, people.” He spends 40 points of Lay on Hands rubbing her ass. “Man is good with his hands.” Arbiter: “Very strong, very muscular.” He also casts Shield of Faith on his wife. He takes seven more blue-ball damage.
  6. 1:29:40 Gerald, still outside the box, is watching everything: “get in there. Really get the thumbs.” Chade: “I’ve never had anyone do lay on hands like that.” Gerald throws them a wooden paddle: “Maybe use this.” Chade: “We gotta handle the statues first, Gerald.”
  7. 1:30:21 Kairen takes the purple massager and stabs the second Margaret with it like a dagger, with sneak attack. It’s still activated “from the last time that he said stuff… whirling.” It sticks in the rock and vibrates so hard the whole statue shatters. More radiant fire follows. GM: “Quit exploding Margaret.” Chade: “Two Margarets down, one to go.”
  8. 1:31:48 — Margaret attacks. The last statue rolls in behind: “I brought my buttery scones for you.” Chade: “Why is she shaking her jubblies like that?” Kairen: “Why are you looking at her jubblies? They’re so big! Mine are right here!”
    • Margaret’s stone breasts are long, “reach to the ground… They swing.” She swings them into Kairen’s face.
    • Kairen asks to evade; it’s uncanny dodge she needs. She takes half: “not how I envisioned seeing Margaret again… That’s gonna leave a mark.”
  9. 1:33:49 GM: “This is obviously not the Margaret.” Arbiter: “I based it off his memories. I just looked into his brain.” The GM shuts up.
  10. 1:34:11 Kairen: “are you into the dangly?” Chade: “No, honey, she’s an 86-year-old woman. That’s just what happens when bodies age.” Kairen: “I know, you have a thing for older women.” Chade: “You’re an elf. Of course you’re older.” Followed by (speaker uncertain, probably Chade): “I will die 3,000 years before you do.”

Round 7 — the finish

  1. 1:34:52 Chade spends his hero point on Vow of Enmity against the last Margaret: “Get out of the way, Margaret.” His real blade (not the flat) hits for 25. The statue hangs on. His second swing misses as the rock puts up an arm.
  2. 1:36:13 — The thighs. Kairen: “I would like to use my hero point to jump up to where Margaret’s head is and I would like to crush her head between my thighs.” She makes a strength roll-off with advantage; the hero point lets her add the aura. It succeeds by one: “the sides of Margaret’s head cave in… her cheeks are crushed in.”
  3. 1:37:45 For a second squeeze she adds “a WWE move… throw myself back so it’s like a flip,” and uses Dex. Nat 20. “I just use my ab muscles to like flex and just throw her over with my legs still around her head. And it just midair crushes… and I land on my feet, nimbly.” All the rubble flies into the lava, so no save is needed.
  4. 1:38:35 Chade takes five more points of blue-ball damage. Arbiter: “Let me roll a strength check for those banana hammocks.” Chade: “Rips through the goblin in the hammock. We are gonna need to go home.” Kairen wraps her cloak around him: “that’s just for me, just for me, but Arbiter, you could learn a thing or two.” Arbiter: “It’s not that big. I’ve seen better.” Chade: “It’s like a captain’s war tent.”
  5. 1:39:21 GM: “Enough! Arbiter! Send them to their bedroom, please!” “With pleasure.” The Arbiter claps open a portal to the actual Smash Room of the Dread Fortress: tables, paddles, swings, chains, “and lava. There’s still lava.” “You gotta stay warm.”
  6. 1:39:48 Kairen grabs something (heard as “a pump”; unclear) and throws it to the Arbiter: “That’s on us. Thanks for fixing our marriage.” Chade: “You’re welcome, honey… I don’t want to wait anymore.” The Arbiter takes 13 points of psychological damage. “He’s gonna be seeing a doctor about this later.” Chade speaks the words to the rope and they go through.
  7. 1:40:21 GM: “Get out of here, you two weirdos.” The Acolytes cheer and throw condoms onto the floor, while “people are hiding their children’s eyes the entire time.” GM: “Wish you merriment and maybe an eighth child at this point.” Chade: “Eighth child!”
  8. 1:40:50 GM: “They’re going to have to get a few more dragons… to pay for the schooling and asparagus needed. Please make sure you sign up for their Kickstarter.” Chade: “it might just be an OnlyFans.” GM: “a two for one deal.” Kairen: “That’s how we do our therapy sessions.”
  9. 1:41:28 GM: “We are pulling the curtain… we’re pulling way out. Miles away. So welcome and goodnight to D20 Deathmatch!” No winner is declared.

Dried Blood (after-show)

  • Drew: “welcome back for another episode of Dried Blood. Or, uh, something’s dried… This very wet episode.” GM: “Can you hand each other a towel at the end of this?”
  • This was Stella’s first time in the arena. “I feel like that one song, Pussy is God, because I just destroyed an enemy with my thighs.”
  • Joel on Margaret (player-stated): “it’s canon. My neighbor… the nice old woman that brings by scones, because my wife is always gone on these adventures… someone gets jealous.”
  • Joel: “Second honeymoon, well on its way. Eighth child, just in the making.” Drew: “Maybe the first child conceived in the Dread Fortress, probably.” They suggest a plaque, or the Arbiter taking counseling classes and getting a certificate.
  • Drew: “The Arbiter is definitely psychologically damaged. He’s about to go get like a cyborg dick put on.” A riff follows on recasting enlarge with wingmen; Drew: “I’ll just cast Arms of Hadar instead.” A warlock “pact to make my wife happy” joke.
  • Joel’s second appearance. The first was “with a very good friend… very WWE over the top combat focused.” Joel and Stella are close friends (“partners outside of the game” / “my best friend”), so the raunchiness was comfortable for them. Drew: that’s why they like booking people who know each other.
  • Drew on the Arbiter reveal: “I rolled the D10 for it… it’s going to be canon after this… Now the Arbiter’s dick is one inch long.” Joel: “he’s a big dude… He’s like nine feet tall.” (Player remark, not an in-world statement.)
  • Drew: “anytime I’m rolling for the Arbiter, he cannot roll to save his life.” Bec: “Thank goodness for Doug the Pug… He always outrolls the Arbiter.” Drew: “It’s just become his whole shtick now.”
  • Bec asks the players for actual Yelp-review recordings for future commercials, “the Dread Fortress as a love fortress or as a marriage counseling location.” Possibly a “where are they now?” Stella will “play up the Kairen thing.”
  • Drew: Kairen is typically the villain, “but Arbiter’s been trying to overthrow the Grandmaster forever,” so he has issues with the place too. “Two villains.”
  • Chinchilla history (creator note):
    • Drew: the event was first used in “our first episode with Blizzbear and Mxiety.” Blizzbear tried to persuade the chinchillas and it went badly, so Drew role-played a lead chinchilla citing union rules: “Maybe after my break.”
    • It was originally a “hamster ball of death,” until someone asked for chinchillas.
    • Bec: “Chinchillas might become a small theme for this season.” Merch idea: a chinchilla shirt; Joel suggests “unionized assassins.”
  • Map ideas: a chinchillas’ collective birthday party, “they all have little tiny hats.”
  • Kitchen jokes:
    • Joel expects the kitchen done next week, with an “HGTV walkthrough.”
    • Drew: “We put in a backsplash made of human skulls. Don’t ask us where we got them from.”
    • “Free range… until we put them in cages.” Bec: “Grass fed. They’re all vegans.”
  • Words of wisdom:
    • Stella: communication is key; therapy is great, and there are free resources; “we do not condone domestic violence.”
    • Joel: have an established safe word; commit to the bit.
    • Bec: “mangoes the safe word… pineapples… is a code for swingers.”
  • Sign-off: “See you guys next week at the next D20 Deathmatch.”

Who and what appears

Characters

Chade (Chaedillion) Chadian (Joel). A very large, square-jawed, mustachioed half-orc.

  • Class and gear:
    • A paladin (inferred from searing smite, divine smite, Lay on Hands, aura, Shield of Faith and Vow of Enmity).
    • Full armor/chainmail and an enormous greatsword.
    • A pink apron, a gift from Kairen around the birth of their first child, which he wears every day.
  • Home life:
    • A stay-at-home husband caring for seven children at their hut.
    • Cooks tofu and cinnamon rolls, owns 3,000-gp knives, and does DIY.
    • Doesn’t eat meat, but cooked the family’s pet bunny for Kairen.
    • Goes to the gym “with the boys” and takes Cassandra’s spin class.
    • Friends with neighbor Margaret.
    • Used to adventure with Kairen.
  • This episode:
    • Bought a two-foot purple tentacle-like massager at a toy party as an anniversary gift.
    • Sacrificed his trousers to the Box of Chaos for a red velvet rope of climbing.
    • Wears a banana-hammock thong with a goblin face; it ripped.
    • Calls their safe word mango (after first saying pineapple).
    • Says Kairen, an elf, will outlive him by thousands of years.

Kairen / Kairen Alexis Rose Chadian (Stella). Chade’s wife; an elf rogue with a rapier, evasion, uncanny dodge, sneak attack and expertise in performance.

  • Adventurer and breadwinner: gone for weeks; recently raided a dragon’s hoard and brought home 1,000 gp.
  • Took Chade’s last name. Doesn’t know his middle name.
  • Anemic and iron-deficient; she’s supposed to eat spinach.
  • Loves lavender. Her hair was burned down to “the traditional Kairen cut.”
  • Crushed a Margaret statue’s head with her thighs.

Their family

  • Seven children:
    • One can’t walk; one has lice.
    • Some are showing magical abilities.
    • One practiced necromancy on an old family cat.
    • They attend an expensive private adventuring school.
  • Kaylee/Kaylie, the first child, was conceived on the honeymoon using a purple rope. They lost that rope the day after while tying up giants.
  • Margaret: the 86-year-old neighbor. She bakes blueberry/buttery scones, watches the kids and is “a nice fucking lady.”

The Arbiter (Drew).

  • Wears chains and shackles and a potato-sack linen cloth.
  • Openly says he tried to overthrow the Grandmaster with resurrected champions.
  • Is called “the manager”; says he placed the skulls in the arena.
  • Was exposed to the audience twice and cast enlarge in response.
  • Made Margaret statues from Chade’s memories (“I just looked into his brain”).
  • Cancelled the kitchen contractor.
  • Took 13 psychological damage.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Bec).

  • Is renovating the Dread Fortress kitchen with goblin labor. She sent an email memo about it.
  • Had Doug summon the champions and floated Doug replacing the Arbiter.
  • Was embarrassed and prudish about the innuendo and retreated to her throne.
  • Mentioned “Mayor Timmy of that one asteroid we landed on.”

Doug the Pug. He plays in the kitchen pool and summoned the champions by chasing his tail. He rolled the nat 20 chaos roll with his squeaky toy. He is undead and dislikes being called a zombie dog; he got huffy about his looks.

Gerald (Drew). He sits in the Box of Chaos with shadow hands and yellow eyes. He accepted the trousers, said the massager would “go well with my collection,” and gave the rope. Later he watched from outside the box and threw them a wooden paddle.

The chinchillas.

  • 203 chinchillas in a drilling plastic ball, each with tiny knives on its back.
  • Unionized, with a cigarette-smoking lead chinchilla in a chariot.
  • Half went on lunch break mid-attack.

The goblins of the Dread Fortress: renovation laborers with a strong Goblin Union.

The Margaret statues. Three, formed from the arena statues. They explode in radiant fire when destroyed, and attack with long swinging stone breasts.

The sausage worms. Five wrinkly, fleshy one-eyed leech-worms. They replace the usual “small grandmas” chaos event.

Places

  • The Dread Fortress kitchen: under renovation, with a pool of water in the middle, a sink overflowing into it, and a load-bearing wall demolished. “A place we’ve seen a person die once or twice.”
  • The arena “smash room”: a ruined lava room with a crumbling brick path 15 ft above the lava, 10-ft statues and skulls the Arbiter placed.
  • The actual Smash Room of the Dread Fortress: tables, paddles, swings, chains and lava.
  • The couple’s world: their hut, the mushroom market, the adventuring school, the gym and spin class.
  • “That one asteroid” with a Mayor Timmy (unexplained).

Items

  • The red velvet rope of climbing (from the Box of Chaos, d100 roll 92).
    • Bind command: “Hocus pocus. Tie this woman up so I can focus!”
    • Release command: “Own it, moan it, release my wife this moment.”
  • The purple tentacle-like massager: two feet long. Activated by “abracadabra alakazam, I need you to tickle these yams.” Used as a dagger to shatter a Margaret.
  • Chade’s pink apron; Chade’s trousers (now Gerald’s); the goblin-face banana hammock.
  • Gerald’s wooden paddle.
  • The 3,000-gp cooking knives; the rocks Kairen collected.
  • The lost purple honeymoon rope.

Lore statements

  • The Arbiter is held in chains after his failed overthrow with resurrected champions (stated by him).
  • The Dread Fortress has unionized goblin labor and chinchillas.
  • The Arbiter can read a champion’s memories to shape constructs.
  • Champions are pulled “through a portal through all time and space.”
  • Elves outlive half-orcs by thousands of years (Chade’s claim).

Quotes by character

Chade

  • 0:02:57 “Honey, when I said we should go to therapy, this is not exactly what I had in mind.”
  • 0:06:49 “Our seven children are not that much to deal with… honey love light of my life we have seven children.”
  • 0:18:58 “It’s Margaret, by the way. She’s wonderful… She makes great blueberry scones.”
  • 0:20:28 “I can’t get blood on this. It’s really nice. It was a gift.”
  • 0:22:07 “Her name is Kairen Alexis Rose Chadian because my name is Chade Chadian and she was kind enough to take my last name.”
  • 0:25:36 “Throwing stones from your glass house over there? Come on, get over here!”
  • 0:38:26 “Well, honey, you’re looking a little extra hot today.”
  • 0:39:05 “Do you know the last time I saw you in the nude?… It was a December 15th at 2.32 PM.”
  • 0:58:40 “Hey, honey! Imma climb you like a tree.”
  • 1:06:24 “Hocus pocus. Tie this woman up so I can focus!”
  • 1:25:18 “We will kill all the visages of Margaret. All right? Not the real one though.”
  • 1:34:22 “No, honey, she’s an 86-year-old woman. That’s just what happens when bodies age… You’re an elf. Of course you’re older.”

Kairen

  • 0:06:26 “Not that I mind, because he is definitely arm candy.”
  • 0:15:27 “So you’re the manager.”
  • 0:16:04 “And are they ethically sourced? Because that’s a huge talk of the community right now, and I want you to succeed.”
  • 0:19:17 “You’re eating some other woman’s scones?”
  • 0:23:01 “I don’t know. Maybe he should ask Margaret.”
  • 0:24:47 “It’s a rock… maybe about the size of your brain sometimes.”
  • 0:47:54 “Don’t you dare throw a dildo in there! That is my gift you got for me!”
  • 1:01:20 “Grandmaster, I see why you might need some therapy. He’s an employee.”
  • 1:04:39 “Now, that’s the ass of the whole underworld.”
  • 1:24:10 “Bitch, I’m hostile towards you right now.”
  • 1:27:32 “Aftercare is important, people.”
  • 1:39:48 “That’s on us. Thanks for fixing our marriage.”

The Arbiter

  • 0:02:40 “Doug summoned the champions?”
  • 0:09:44 “Objections rescinded. I think they’re going to kill each other.”
  • 0:15:16 “I tried to overthrow her. This wouldn’t have happened if I was in charge.”
  • 0:16:26 “They’re probably free range, if that makes a difference.”
  • 0:18:00 “I tried to overthrow the Grandmaster. I did that with resurrected champions that I had brought back to life.”
  • 0:29:39 “I think she meant nobody important’s blood being spilled.”
  • 0:29:54 “If you could just write that on Yelp… The last few people that we killed here really didn’t leave great reviews.”
  • 0:44:03 “There’s one lead chinchilla in the back smoking a cigarette. That’s right, get him, boys!”
  • 1:05:51 “Hey, listen, at least I can use mine.”
  • 1:10:05 “A minute’s all I’m going to need.”
  • 1:23:44 “We pulled you through a portal through all time and space. That’s your question?”
  • 1:33:54 “I based it off his memories. I just looked into his brain.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer

  • 0:00:59 “Obviously, we’re doing kitchen renovations right now.”
  • 0:01:38 “Who knows if you find a pairing good enough perhaps you could actually replace the arbiter.”
  • 0:05:07 “It’s not therapy, but it is an opportunity to work out your problems. Welcome to the Dread Fortress.”
  • 0:09:49 “You have needs and they are not listening to you. Make them listen.”
  • 0:11:47 “Remember, lava hot, don’t touch.”
  • 0:13:02 “Even if you break it, it’s still mine. Please don’t take my stuff home.”
  • 0:29:18 “These may be large to you, but they’re small to me.”
  • 0:44:23 “We’re unionized here at the Dread Fortress.”
  • 1:02:15 “The Mayor Timmy of that one asteroid we landed on was much bigger.”
  • 1:10:14 “Enlarge is not the spell you want if you need to satisfy someone, unless it’s just yourself.”
  • 1:39:21 “Enough! Arbiter! Send them to their bedroom, please!”
  • 1:40:43 “Wish you merriment and maybe an eighth child at this point.”

Gerald

  • 0:56:52 “Because that would kind of go well with my collection, but it’s fine. Give me the pants.”
  • 0:57:38 “Sorry, I have to make an entrance. It’s kind of part of my job.”
  • 0:58:09 “You guys seem kind of kinky, so here… this is a rope of climbing. Use it for whatever.”
  • 1:29:46 “Yeah, get in there. Really get the thumbs.”
  • 1:30:09 “Maybe use this.” (the wooden paddle)

Margaret statue (Bec)

  • 1:31:53 “I brought my buttery scones for you.”

Canon notes

  • No-death result: a shared victory, recorded on paper as a tie.
  • “Mayor Timmy of that one asteroid” is Timothy, the worm mayor Strako killed in the asteroid round of S1E7 Wild Magic. An ongoing plot line.

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